Femme Fatale Guide: Realistic Tips & Tricks To Become "That Girl"

Femme Fatale Guide: How To Learn To Love Yourself & Heal From Toxic People

Allow yourself to feel all your emotions and thoughts, authentically and without self-criticism or judgment: Acknowledge that you're grieving. Accept that you need to mourn your loss. Even if it is better to move on in life without these people, it is healthy and completely valid to grieve the relationships you had with these people – regardless of whether they were one-sided, deluded, or otherwise toxic. Allow yourself to cry, be angry, lie in bed, etc. Hit a pillow, sleep in all day on a weekend, or wear a set of pajamas for a WFH day. Give yourself permission to engage in self-soothing behaviors without any type of self-harm or self-sabotage.

Rest, relax, and pamper yourself in your leisure time: Spend time taking it easy – reading, watching TV, doing a face mask or another indulgent skin treatment, using a body massager, cooking dinner in a silk robe and slippers, lighting a candle, cozying up in a blanket, etc. Allow yourself to feel at peace. Create a sanctuary in your space.

Take time for introspection and self-discovery: Being in any type of relationship with toxic people is draining and can cause you to feel as though you've lost a part of yourself by trying to make the relationship succeed. Now, it's time to reclaim yourself after you've courageously cut out these toxic people from your life. Consider and honor your deepest desires, values, interests, hobbies, lifestyle, goals, aesthetic, food, sexual, entertainment preferences, etc. Go on a self-discovery journey to figure out who you really are, what you believe, and who you will work to become as you enter this new, exciting chapter of your life.

Journal, read, eat healthily, work out, drink plenty of water, and sleep: Go back to the basic healthy habits. Try to journal for at least 5-10 minutes a day (using a 5-minute journal, morning pages [writing 3 pages of stream-of-conscious thoughts first thing in the morning], journal or shadow work prompts), make 2-3 whole food, plant-based meals with carbs, veggies, fruits, proteins, and healthy fats, find some ways to incorporate movement into your day – 30-minute walk or yoga session is enough if that's all you can manage consistently, have your body weight in ounces of water daily, and sleep for around 7-8 hours a night. Do some inner child healing by taking care of your core needs.

Indulge in all of your favorites: There's a lot of fun you can have when you have total freedom regarding your daily activities and choices. Give yourself permission to enjoy this solitude. Wear your favorite outfits every day (occasion-appropriate options, of course), including pajamas, loungewear, lingerie, and accessories. Make your favorite meals and snacks throughout the week (incorporating some healthy options in there to feel your best – I love a good oatmeal bowl, frozen grapes, baked Japanese sweet potato, or a hummus and vegetable plate). Watch your favorite TV shows or movies. Indulge in a glass of wine you love or reread a favorite book. Create a masterful playlist. Plan a day of your favorite activities (a long walk, getting a coffee, indulging in a spa day, going to a farmer's market, going to a yoga class, etc.) Treat yourself like your own best friend.

Get comfortable doing things alone: Honestly, no one cares or is paying attention to if you're doing activities alone or with someone else. If someone shows too much interest in your solitude, they're probably projecting their own insecurities regarding their perceived social ridicule. Take yourself shopping, to the nail salon, out for a meal, to the movies, etc. alone. Personally, I love doing most of these things alone anyways. Running errands alone gives you some space to clear your mind and think freely.

Define what an ideal social life and/or relationship looks like for you: Once you've become comfortable with yourself and living life on your own terms, it's time to embrace your desire for human connection and socialization. Consider the types of people you want in your life – their values, personalities, interests, goals, favorite activities, relational boundaries, etc., and where/when/how often you want to interact with them.

Create an action plan: Reconnect with the people in your life who continue to show up for you and have been a light through these toxic relationships and their lasting effects over the months or years. Decide on the places, groups, and ways you'll reach out/try to meet these people. Figure out how to expand your network, and make new connections. Don't be afraid to put yourself out there. You won't vibe with everyone you meet, but it is worthwhile to engage in small talk with several strangers if even one of these new faces, later on, becomes a good friend or acquaintance. A varied social circle is a great way to enrich your life.

Take small steps, then strides: Be gentle on yourself throughout this entire process. It is perfectly okay to take one day at a time during the grieving process. Everyone's healing journey will look different and evolve at a different pace. Don't let these toxic people remain in your heart, mind, and spirit. Remember that you deserve love, kindness, happiness, success, peace, and patience.

Start living life instead of watching it pass by.

Remember your manners but know your boundaries.

Make a conscious effort to better yourself every day.

Remember to stay hydrated and try to eat real food.

Limit your intake of alcohol, sugar, and caffeine.

Remember to sleep. You need to get your hours in.

Never stay idle, remember to move your body often.

Avoid bad influences and don’t obsess over nonsense.

Care for yourself as you would care for a loved one.

Work hard and remember to save some of your money.

Know that life is meant for socializing and studying.

If you’ve fallen behind, do your best to get caught up.

Always pursue more but stop when you feel content.

As a girl or woman, raise yourself to be an intellectual. Raise yourself to be a reader, a traveller, a curious explorer. Raise girls who are independent livers and thinkers, who are critical of standard narratives and status quos and societal and religious dogma. Girls and women will never benefit from being naïve, stuck in one place, unaware, ignorant, out of options, close minded etc besides deriving from these states a false sense of safety, but the patriarchy reaps massive profits from afflicting these conditions.

Sorry to break it to you but you literally have to face your fears and slaughter them. Otherwise you will live a small life that you do not want. You literally have to view your biggest fears and attack them head on. You have to fall into the abyss to find your way out. The easy path does not exist. There is no get out of jail free card. You have to allow yourself to die a spiritual death over and over again in order to reinvent yourself into the person you are actually supposed to be. And you have to be painfully honest with yourself and the people around you. It’s horrible but it’s truly the only way.

drop the scarcity mindset that there’s not enough. there is more than enough. the earth is abundant and your opportunities are limitless. time isn’t running out. it’s never too late to do what you love. there’s always room for you. prosperity is always available for you—in all places, at all times. no matter how much time you take off to rest and recharge. abundance will always be there available for you.

Cleopatra, 1863 by Thomas Francis Dicksee (English, 1819–1895)

the it girl’s spring cleaning

phone reset

delete old contacts and messages

go through social media following

delete unused apps

go through photos

set a new wallpaper

add widgets for reminders, weather, battery, etc.

delete old songs and add new ones

environmental reset

clean your bedroom (vacuum, dust, put clothes away, etc.)

sort through and donate old clothes

organize your makeup, skincare, etc.

wash or change your bedsheets

rearrange your bedroom

open your windows and curtains to let fresh air in

get outdoors

clean your home with fresh scented products (lemon, lavender, etc.)

physical reset

try a new workout routine

get some new outfits

do a face mask

exfoliate and shave

oil your hair or do a hair mask

try a new hair color, cut, or style

do your nails or get your nails done

get some fresh makeup and try a new makeup routine

do a lip mask and scrub

mental reset

start journaling or try some new prompts

do a refreshing meditation

try a new yoga practice or workout

read instead of scrolling

put a time limit on your phone usage

reset your sleep schedule

I really can’t with these ‘femininity guide’ posts that want to have women behaving like they just time-travelled from 1955. Getting in touch with your divine feminine is fundamentally about authenticity, not performance. Marilyn Monroe, Rihanna, Meghan Markle, Monica Bellucci, Dita Von Teese, Saweetie, and Amal Clooney are markedly different types of women but they are all rightfully considered feminine. 

If the vintage, old Hollywood vibe is authentic to you, then by all means, please embrace it. But if that is just not who you are, you will end up performing for the rest of your life. The unifying factor that makes all the aforementioned women attractive is their confidence. They carry themselves with an air of grace and self-assuredness that is irresistible and undeniably feminine. Obviously take care of your appearance, move with grace, and practice etiquette, but don’t put on a costume. You won’t be able to keep up the act forever, and people will eventually see right through it.

Here are my personal tips for cultivating divine feminine energy:

Practice following your intuition. Our patriarchal society places a huge premium on logic but it is very healthy and necessary to honor your emotions. Check in with yourself to gauge how you’re feeling in different situations. This makes it easier to set healthy boundaries and choose what is right for you.

Connect more deeply with your body. For me, this looks like yoga, breath work, and dry brushing. Practice listening to your body and honor what it tells you.

Practice self-inquiry. Interrogate your assumptions. Ask yourself why you have certain reactions to things. Engage with your shadow self, don’t run away from it. 

Cultivate openness, compassion, love, and gentleness towards the world and yourself.

Explore your sensuality. Make it a point to appreciate and celebrate beauty in your life. Surround yourself with aesthetically pleasing things and enjoy sensual pleasures. 

Explore your sexuality. Female sexuality is often policed which leads to sexual hang ups that need to be overcome. Interrogate and heal hypersexuality as well as hyposexuality. Get to know yourself intimately. I took burlesque and pole dancing classes to learn how to tap into the more sexual part of me.

Create ritual and sacred space. My nighttime routine is very important to me. I do my skincare, haircare, and bodycare, pray, and just get in touch with myself. Carve out some time in your day to do the same, whatever it looks like for you.

To put it simply, getting in touch with your femininity should be a spiritual practice. I’m happy to elaborate if anyone has questions.

What to plan at the beginning of each month

- Mani / Pedi

- Hair trim every two months

- A facial

- Date night by yourself or with your s/o

- A day spent completely by yourself

- Deep clean room

- Write down important events for the month in a calendar

- Spa day

- One breakfast / lunch / dinner with friends

- Pick a day to learn something new

- A day / weekend spent outdoors (hiking, camping, kayaking, grounding)

- Deep condition hair with mask

- Give yourself a new routine

- Throw away things (or people) that no longer serve you

- Plan your month goals in a journal

Crafting a Personality and Capitalising on it

How do we craft a personality that is socially charming yet true to our roots?

How do we mingle and meet new people without feeling awkward or shy about it?

How do we not lose ourselves while following all these blah blah etiquette rules?

Welcome to part 2 of my Chic Girl Mentality series. 🤍

Today, we will focus on crafting a personality that is still you but better.

First, let’s talk about people in social settings. You’ll meet people who are confident, secure and socially charming. You’ll meet quiet people who may be equally socially charming or just very shy and conscious. You’ll meet the braggers and the doe-eyed followers. There’s a lot of different types of people in the world and knowing how to gracefully navigate most of them is nothing but a learned art.

People, regardless of their bank balance, are insecure of what they do not have yet. This can be looks, money, experience, lifestyle, and so on. How do we capitalise on this without exploiting or manipulating anyone?

By knowing how to tell a story.

That doesn’t mean that you need to become a public speaker or politician, it just means that you need to be able to craft intriguing stories about yourself, using your own life and experiences, to “sell” an interesting version of you socially. We’re all interesting people but only a few of us know how to say that we’re interesting without saying that we’re interesting.

Experience 

People, even those with money, will always be more attracted to those who have experiences, especially, unique ones. Whether it’s travelling to exotic locations or trying new culinary destinations, or wearing unknown designers, knowing obscure artists or writers, or being at the top of your industry… experience is the most important thing to cultivate first.  You already have experience. If you went to school, high school, college, joined clubs, your first job, any travelling, etc - these are all experiences.

Make a list of 5 of the most interesting experiences you think you have.

Hobbies and interests 

Have a couple of lowkey hobbies that you feel enthusiastic about. Whether it’s doing some charity work on Sundays, or cooking, or pottery, whatever it is, keeping a hobby is healthy. 

There should be something to you that an acquaintance can remark about: “CSB? Oh yes, I’ve heard that she’s a great dancer.” 

Vulnerabilities 

Certain vulnerabilities must never, ever be shared. It will 100% be used either as gossip or blackmail. 

However, coming across as someone with no weaknesses is rather untrustworthy- it makes the other person feel that you’re clearly hiding something. 

Make a list of vulnerabilities that are small and you don’t mind sharing. These should be vulnerabilities that will never ruin your reputation in any form but can be used as a form of bonding with empathy. 

And make a list of hard core vulnerabilities you know you should never share with anyone. Keep it memorised rather than written down. 

Experience + Hobbies or Interests + Safe Vulnerabilities = Personality

Storytelling 

Now that you have some experience, hobbies, interests, and your “safe” vulnerabilities sorted even if it’s limited - what will make it stand out is the art of storytelling. Some storytellers can make even the most mundane experiences sound magical - it’s all in the words and delivery. There’s a reason why every Holy Book is a story, packed with lessons and morals - it’s impactful, easy to remember and recall and relatable. Craft your experiences into stories. Use those 5 experiences that you noted down and start writing them down as stories.

Take up an online storytelling class or watch videos. Start honing this skill by writing and reading good literature. 

Refine your 5 experiences further. Run it through chatGPT, say them out loud and most importantly- start testing them out on people. See what makes them chuckle and what doesn’t; what makes them empathise and what doesn’t.

A famous comedian whose name I can’t remember does the same thing. He creates his set. He goes to a small pub and tries it out on the audience there. And the first set is always the first. The audience may not laugh at his jokes, they might boo him or sometimes, he might get a laugh out of them. But every time, he goes home and refines his set further. Once his set is fully refined, and he accomplishes his goal of the audience peeling with laughter at every joke, that’s when he goes on national TV / on tour etc etc.

The most important thing is to craft your stories of your experiences in a way that it delivers the value you want the person to remember about you.

For instance, if I want to be seen as creative and innovative, I won’t tell the person in front of me, “oh, I’m soo innovative and creative!”

Rather I will weave that into a story. “When I was 24, at my first job in the advertising space, we were losing clients left and right. And one weekend, I was on a trek on the mountains - it’s one of my hobbies - this idea hit me, and I suddenly knew exactly how to get our clients back. My team was hesitant about my idea, and we got a lot of pushback, but we went ahead. The night before my launch I was so nervous, I got hardly sleep. And you won’t believe it, but the idea worked! The response was fantastic.”

Let the other person come to the conclusion of you being innovative and creative. Human beings love to deduce things and jump to conclusions and provided you set the context the right way, you should be able to project the version of you that is the best part of you.

Vocabulary 

A sign of a good education- even if you don’t have it - is a diverse vocabulary. I’ve always had a little more respect and awe for those who are articulate, can speak smoothly and speak confidently. I’ve noticed that my American friends, for instance, tend to talk fast with lots of filler words, and sentences tend to end with a pitch up instead of down, which to me indicates hesitation or indecision. Speaking slower, ending your sentences with pitch going down to indicate a full stop rather than up makes you seem like a refined speaker even if your subject is utterly stupid. 

Body language and mannerisms, social interaction 

Watch old classic Hollywood movies to really understand this - especially romantic ones. Choose ones with a femme fatale or siren-like female lead, and watch how she enraptures the male lead or the audience around her. 

A combination of fantastic storytelling and body language will take you places beyond your dreams. Some of the biggest frauds, scammers, politicians, criminals are also some of the best storytellers. Humans are attracted to stories, we pick up body language intuitively, we can sense when someone is nervous or isn’t. Unfortunately the world isn’t a kind place and will not necessarily help you out of your shyness- in fact, that might just make you the best target for exploitation. 

Storytelling + Vocabulary + Body Language = Your Best Personality