What Does Shame Feel Like?

Someone said that being depressed is your avatar telling you that it is tired of the character that you want it to play. And in my experience this was true. ☘️🏵️

Deep down I knew that the path I was heading on was no longer for me yet I kept on pushing. Why?

Because that was the path that society deemed acceptable, that was the path that felt safe & comfortable (until it was no longer comfortable), because that was the path that made the most logical sense and because that was the path where no one would judge me for doing the "wrong" thing. ❌

But the more I kept on pushing, the more I felt into this hole of emptiness. Until I came to the realisation that something was wrong and something had to change. 🙍‍♀️

As I was going through that phase of depression, I wasn't exactly sure as to what I was doing wrong but I just knew I had to stop and take a break from everything. 🔔🔔

Looking back in retrospect, I can see how I was trying so hard to hide parts of myself to fit in with others and that came at a painful cost. The sooner you remove the mask, the more relieved you'll feel. You may end up fighting with your family or losing people you knew as your closest friends but in the long run, you get to show up as who you are rather than who you think you should be. 🥳🤗🌸

I've made peace with that....

- I've made peace with the fact that people have different perceptions of life and that their projections have nothing to do with me but their own personal struggles.

- I've made peace with the fact that one will not always be compatible with other people because how we do things is just different and you can not please everyone nor are you here to do so.

- I've made peace with the fact that one will not always stay permanent in other people's lives, so while you're still present make it your mission to have the best of memories to look back to.

- I've made peace with the fact that home for some is us is not a place or person but more like a state of flow that we experience when we get in touch with our creative selves.

- I've made peace with the fact that society will always have its own standards that people are supposed to live up to buy whether you follow those standards or not - that does not define your worth.

- I've made peace with the fact that our favourite things or people will always change because that shows we are growing and each level of growth requires us to leave a part of us behind.

- I've made peace with the fact that everyone experiences different seasons of life and that one should stop comparing their winter to someone's summer because our journeys are different and that's a beautiful thing.

- I've made peace with the fact that the dark moments of life aren't there to torment us but are there to teach us something that will enable our growth as human beings.

- I've made peace with all that.

The best thing that works for me when feeling anxious and airy is first grounding myself.

This could be taking a walk barefoot on the Earth, jumping up and down(if I have the energy).

Sometimes it's just sitting outside being present with whatever is outside. That looks like listening to the birds, sitting on the grass, cloud gazing, bird watching or people watching.

Doing something that simple just makes me feel at home within myself.

After I have done that and I feel grounded that's when I start questioning my thoughts as to whether they are true or not and whether it is within my control or not. And lastly I choose to let go and melt into the present moment. Because in that moment I am choosing to trust God in that moment and in turn it's easier to then trust myself. It's easier said than done but it helps ✅

Part 2 of lessons I've learnt in the past year.

Last lesson: Opening my heart and forgiving others.

I had been revisiting my intentions on who I want to be. One of those intentions was to be a more loving person, not just to my family and friends but to people who have wronged me as well.

And so I am choosing to be a more loving through by opening my heart and forgiving others. An example of how I approached this was as follows:

So I had not been getting along with this particular person and so in every situation and interaction with them, I would just decide to be closed of in order to "protect myself".

Since I had decide to be more loving, I chose to forgive them. I chose to approach them different. So in each interaction with them, I decided to be more open and understanding towards them. I would go into these interactions with no assumptions, expectations or feelings of resentment but with the heart to listen and fully understand that person.

And doing so has done wonders for me. This person was also willing to be understanding towards me . Of course, we're not the best of friends but there is now a lightness to our interactions and I think that's beautiful. Sometimes you just have to be the first person to forgive and you never know how that transforms your relationships.

People are not against you, they are for themselves.

Sometimes we feel like certain people always think or want the worst for us and we couldn't be more wrong. Every person you know or have come across has a different version of you in their head and based on that, it makes perfect sense that they are going to project onto you the things they assume about you. The same way you project onto people the illusion you have of them in your head.

So the point is don't take it personally. Deep down people don't even know you unless they have actually taken the time to really get to know you and those aren't a lot of people.

The best thing you can do is be true to yourself - be true to your values, your interests, dreams and the kind of person you want to be. Because you cannot please both others and yourself. One side is bound to get betrayed and that's okay.

So let go of trying to make other people understand because they might not even be interested in understanding you. They are still fixated on the version of you they curated in their heads. And they are probably not ready to understand you. Maybe one day they will but in the meantime focus on the vision that is you!

Something I heard this week:

It is not the thing we want that's going to bring us happiness. After we get the thing and we are no longer wanting- that's what brings us happiness. "The No Longer Wanting of it."

So once you no longer want something you are content and in that contentness there is happiness. 🌻

It's not you against the world, it's you against your mind.

Why? Because your entire world lives in your mind. Your thoughts and ideas may come from the world but your perception comes from you. So all those people you say you like or dislike are based on your perception of them. And the things about perception is that it can always change. Meaning you can either choose to be the victim or choose to be responsible of what happens around you. And bit by bit, by changing your perception, you are changing your world.

So learn to befriend your mind. Be curious about those thoughts and judgements you project on people and situations. Is that really how they are or that's how you are choosing to see them?

It's frustrating isn't it?

To have worked so hard and to only produce nothing.

To have to work so hard each day and only realise that what you've been working on hasn't been producing fruit

To see others achieving so much and you have nothing to show for it.

But you have to realise it was never about you and them.

It's always been you and you.

Maybe this phase is not about producing a certain outcome, maybe it's about just experimenting in order to get feedback.

Maybe this phase is only meant to last a year or two. So that you can see if what you've been pursuing was what you wanted or not.

Sometimes it's not about the outcome. It's about proving to yourself that you can do hard things. That you can be persistent and that you can be disciplined.

So how about just focusing on the joy of it. The parts of it you enjoy so much.

Like when you're eating your favourite meal. You don't only eat to satiate yourself but you also eat to enjoy it. To get that peak experience of savouring all the flavours and textures.

It's okay to start again because this time you are starting from experience. there is nothing wrong with starting over in order to build stronger foundations.