Part 4 The Next Doctor

There should be a quick moment of Crowley and Aziraphale very close, alone, just finished kissing and Crowley has a smirk on his face and says something that Michael Sheen would be very proud of him for saying

genuinely something about the first four seasons of doctor who that I really love is the theme of everything having its time. it's explored in different ways - with 9 & the bad wolf arc, it's ultimately hopeful. there's death but then there's life, things end and then they begin, the universe moves forward; with 10, it's ultimately tragic, he obeys this simple law over and over again, bending until he breaks & can't anymore. the mortality of things, even things built to last forever, the endless hope for better, for kinder, for newer... it's real & raw & gets me every time

After reading so much angst and real honest-to-goodness psychological drama, I revel in the warm, light and touching stories like these. There's a Russian expression "my kind of plantain/works like a plantain", which means that some fic or headcanon is good for soothing pain and heartache. And this is exactly MY kind of plantain. I love it. Incredibly so.

The most romantic moment that Aziraphale could have imagined, it’s raining and they’re absolutely soaked, but he has his arms around Crowley’s shoulders and he’s kissing him and Crowley is kissing back and oh it’s like straight from a book!

And when they pull away just an inch and Aziraphale has a dreamy look on his face and he notices Crowley’s happy smirk and he sighs.

“Alright you can say it.”

“Vavoom!”

I do think people are forgetting, sometimes willingly, that Aziraphale is JUST as heartbroken over the rejection as Crowley

They did not walk out of there with Crowley destroyed and Aziraphale bummed but getting over it once he was in the elevator. Aziraphale went to Crowley all giddy and excited because he really thought this was finally it, this was finally their chance to be happy, and he sees it as Crowley taking that chance and stomping on it. H wasn’t lying when he said he needed Crowley, he DOES, and now he thinks Crowley chose his hate for heaven over his love for him just as Crowley thinks Aziraphale chose his devotion to god over his devotion to him

It wasn’t as simple as “Aziraphale rejected Crowley” they both think the other rejected them it was essentially the messiest mutual break up you’ve ever seen

They’re both completely heartbroken and do not see the part they played in their own heartbreak. Both thinking THE OTHER caused it. It’s such a mess. It’s SUCH a mess I cannot STAND these two

Today it's time for me to be heartbroken about Crowley and HIS version of events, because of course HIS version makes sense to him too.

The thing about Crowley is, he acts so nonchalant about everything.

Like, at first, he's simply just a demon. Sauntered vaguely downward and such, it's barely even really a thing, honestly -- it's just sort of his job title, y'know? Aziraphale's in one department, he's in another, that's just how it is. Like satanists, right?

But then the more the story progresses, the more we get the sense that there's something deeper than that. It becomes especially apparent with his plants, and how he puts the fear of God (then corrected by the narrator: the fear of Crowley) in them.

And these scenes, as many of you well know, have been theorized to be Crowley working through the circumstances of his fall. Projecting his emotions onto the plants, inflicting on them what was done to him. Processing what it was like to be on the other side of the curtain, maybe -- possibly try to figure out what could drive a creator to harm their own creations.

The details of the fall and what Crowley did, exactly, are unclear. The details of what Crowley knows about his own fall are unclear, because evidence could suggest that maybe he doesn't remember. But his perception seems to be that it didn't take much to be a demon.

What he does know, is that nothing lasts forever -- not even the grace of God.

But Aziraphale is different.

Aziraphale is an angel with very black-and-white ideas of what it means to be an angel, and what it means to be a demon.

But Crowley sees through it. From giving away the sword alone, he sees the cracks in Aziraphale's rigid thinking that allows the light to shine through. And he chips and he chips at that thinking -- he asks the kind of questions that probably made him fall in the first place -- until finally we get here.

God saw Crowley at his most innocent. God saw Crowley at his most joyful state of being. God saw him at his holiest.

God heard his questions, likely knowing that Crowley was expressing love in the way that he would want to receive it. Crowley says, "Well, if I was the one running it all, I would like it if someone asked questions. Fresh point of view."

God knew all of this, and then cast him out anyway. Unforgivable, that's what he is. Not to be forgiven, ever. Not to be loved -- not by God.

Then here comes along this angel (who he may or may not remember). This angel knows he's a demon, and talks to him anyway. This angel knows he's a demon, and listens to what he has to say. This angel knows he's a demon, and still looks him in the eye, sees the good in him, and forcefully tells him that HE still sees the good in him, even when God refuses to.

Aziraphale sees everything in Crowley that God could not, and that is something Crowley thought was lost forever.

So it only makes sense that when Aziraphale first burst in with his words all aflutter at the idea that they were going to go back to Heaven and change everything, Crowley felt this was something they couldn't do. Because he understands better than anyone, Heaven has the power to change the angel, the angel does not have the power to change Heaven.

It makes sense that Crowley gave him a chance. Crowley didn't exactly erupt with rage at Aziraphale. Yes, he was loudly against the idea and very disappointed, but then he goes, "Oh. Oh God. Right. Okay. I didn't get a chance to say what I was going to say, I better say it now."

He still thinks there's a chance. He's still giving Aziraphale a chance to back out.

He gives Aziraphale multiple chances. And every time Aziraphale will not back down. Every time, he thinks he hears the same message. The one he's always heard, the one he should know by now but somehow still hopes it isn't true.

Nothing lasts forever.

Not the universal star machine.

Not the grace of God.

Not the bookshop.

Not my acceptance of who you are.

Not us.

He doesn't hear the way Aziraphale remembers his joy and wants him to be happy. He doesn't hear how Aziraphale wants him and needs him and begs for him to be on his side. He doesn't hear the hope and the desire to be safe and together and in control -- forever.

He doesn't hear the way Aziraphale is lying to himself because we all know damn well he would live in a state of comfortable happiness if he could.

Instead, he hears this.

He hears that he is in need of forgiveness. He hears that he has done something to warrant it.

Only, he is unforgivable. Nothing lasts forever, but maybe that part does. Out of everything that never lasted, the one that did is that he is unforgivable the way that he is.

"Don't bother," he says.

Don't bother, because he doesn't hear Aziraphale, he hears God.

Don't bother, because maybe God was right.

Guys. Let's talk about the Eccles cakes. Shall we?

When Crowley orders six shots of espresso, Aziraphale considerately asks for something that "calms people down". Nina then suggests him to get Eccles cakes.

Now the word, "Eccles" originally means "The church". It foreshadowed the season finale where Aziraphale asks Crowley to join heaven. It is a callback to Crowley being the (sauntered-vaguely-downwards) fallen angel. Crowley was given a choice to join heaven again. To eat the Eccles cake. But he doesn't. He doesn't want to be calmed down and hushed. He has found his voice, his own side. He knows the truth about Heaven and Hell and God.

The Eccles cake is also called the "squashed fly cake' because the inside is filled with black currants. This could be a metaphor for hell. How Crowley was also asked back to hell and he said no.

Aziraphale ordering Eccles cakes shows the inner struggle that he is facing. He cares for Crowley. He wants to be there for him. But at the same time, he believes whole heartedly in heaven. He still thinks of God's plan as ineffable. As indubitable. He believes that Crowley and he will be happier in Heaven. He fails to see that even if heaven seems to be the side of "truth and light", on the inside it's all squashed flies. It's just as bad as hell. That when heaven ends life on earth it will be just as dead as hell ended it.

The thing is. What happened to Crowley and Aziraphale at the end of ep6 is what happens when people aren't free. And Aziraphale and Crowley are not, as demonstrated by the events of s2, free. They do not have autonomy. Crowley can be taken to hell in a swarm of flies at a Duke's whim. Aziraphale can be "erased" from existence with a book.

They do not own themselves.

All other freedoms are forfeit if you do not own yourself.

So no, I don't think "give me coffee or give me death" necessarily means anything other than:

A choice between anything and death is not actually a choice.

I think what really happened to Crowley and Aziraphale, and why they couldn't be together anymore, is that there was no choice for either of them to make that would have kept them together. Because choosing to tell heaven and hell to f*ck off so they can stay together is the secret third option that neither of them brings up in the final fifteen because guess what? They know they aren't free. They know.

[GO2 SPOILERS]

No bc I’ve been On That GO2 Brainrot, and I don’t know if all of you are comprehending the importance of that kiss. Like???? We know that angels and demons have an initial distaste for human things—they do stuff their own way, and anything that’s viewed as superfluous isn’t done (such as eating). We know that Aziraphale takes time to learn to enjoy human things, but he ends up loving them So Much (as seen when he eats that? Boar?? idk).

Before the kiss, I always assumed that, while Aziraphale and Crowley evidently loved each other deeply, they were just not the type of people to engage in physical affection most of the time, as they aren’t human. But when I think back to all the moments where Aziraphale and Crowley are seen falling in love with human things, it actually makes so much sense that Crowley would kiss Azira. Because that kiss is a goodbye, an expression of anger on their part, but it is also a desperate request—it is a symbol of everything that puts distance between aziracrow and Heaven and Hell, the humanness they have gained and their love for the world. Crowley engages in something so superfluous, so human, and it feels so right to me that they do. Azira is swept away by it, and I think at first he is resistant to it—as he was at first to all things human—but I think he also learned to like it, because why wouldn’t he? why wouldn’t he love such a human expression of love? I think Azira followed the Metatron DESPITE the fact that he loved that kiss.

That kiss is a symbol of everything Azira and Crowley are, of what they could be—of levels of humanness they haven’t reached yet. I only hope Azira realises that he values that sweet possibility, of being with Crowley in every conceivable way, enough to give up on Heaven. Because as important as that kiss was, Aziraphale still left Crowley. We’ll see.

to be loved is to be changed

thinking about time lords and their fucked up little society again and i just realized how devastating the revelation of the drums in the end of time is in relation to the master's character.

because of all the renegade time lords in the universe, i think it's the master who most exemplifies the philosophical outlook that the time lords have towards the rest of the universe. they're stuffy observers, administrators, yes - but this position is one they've decided for themselves because of this concept of supremacy over other life forms. imposed and upheld this idea that other species that lack a time sense are less-than, primitive. and the master buys into this hard.

and i mean... compared to the doctor, the master is good at being a time lord. he buys into these supremacist concepts, this idea that every other species (and especially humans) is practically a meaningless ant in the grand scheme of the universe. takes it to the extreme, yes, but its the same underlying principle. he's a good student (despite whatever chibnall might think) - that one time lord from terror of the autons (identity forever a mystery) (its brax) even says "he did receive a higher degree of cosmic science than you." the master could play their game if he wanted to. he's remarkably comfortable with being on gallifrey/the idea of gallifrey(in eot/tlotl) than the doctor ever is. where the doctor avoids the subject of the lord presidency like the plague, the master is like "well if you kill the president you ARE the president! and then you have all of gallifrey!" and when the doctor destroys gallifrey (nominally), the master tries to rebuild it in the sound of drums/last of the time lords. tries to emulate their society. honor them in his little fucked up way. he brings them back from the time war!

and what does he get for it? how did the time lords treat him in response?

they decide to implant the sound of drums in his head, stretching back until he's a child. puts this insufferable noise, this splitting headache, in his head for his entire life. all so that they may live while he dies. because he is diseased, because of them. he has swallowed the pill, bought their propaganda, he has followed the rules, he tried to rebuild them he tried. and in response he is chewed up and spit out like trash so that rassilon's god complex can survive while the universe crumbles.

how crushing must that be to someone? to have your whole worldview - that you are better, you are chosen, you are special - come crumbling down in a few short moments? to see the revered founder-god of the civilization you have so desperately tried to revive look at you and say "you are diseased," even though he was the one to poison you in the first place?

and as his heart is torn to pieces... when rassilon says "no more," and charges his gauntlet, the master - who has spent countless lives fighting death with his bare hands - does not move.

part of me thinks he does not want to.