To Be Loved Is To Be Changed

Crowley kissing Aziraphale in this moment of pain and betrayal is so telling as to how hurt he really is and how unsalvageable he thinks their relationship is. Because Crowley has always respected Aziraphale’s boundaries, always followed the pace Aziraphale set. Crowley has always slowed down for him. This time he didn’t.

Aziraphale is a victim of abuse

Oh boy let me talk about how clearly Aziraphale mirrors a victim of abuse. Warning for spoilers obviously.

Throughout season 1 and 2, we are shown clear examples of Aziraphale being ridiculed and abused by the Archangels. They tore down Aziraphale's confidence and made him believe he was "soft" and "useless". The things they said to Aziraphale sound a lot like the comments Nina received by her abusive partner Lindsay.

And, like Nina, he needs to realize how to heal from that trauma. Because unlike Nina, Aziraphale once again fell for abusive and manipulative tactics, namely Metatron's love bombing.

Metatron came and told him that this time, things will be different because Aziraphale will be the one in charge, subsequently validating Aziraphale's belief that the problem isn't Heaven and Hell as institutions, it's the people running those institutions that are the real issue. This is a very clever way to manipulate Aziraphale and it's also very realistic, as victim's of abuse often go back to their abuser. Why?

Abusers manipulate their victims into thinking that 1. they NEED to stay because they would be nothing without their abuser and 2. that this time it will be different and that they love them (see. Metatron offering that Aziraphale run Heaven and finally saying what Aziraphale's always wanted to hear: "You did the right thing"), also known as love bombing. It's what makes leaving a destructive relationship so hard, because deep down victims cling onto the hope that things will get better eventually.

Abusers also destroy their victim's other relationship, leaving them without a support network and no one to turn to once the abuse inevitably starts again. Metatron did just that, he KNEW Crowley would be upset, and as soon as he was able to he belittled Crowley ("He always wanted to do things his own way" and "He asked too many questions"), subtly discouraging Aziraphale from doing the same. By doing what he did he effectively cut off Aziraphale from the one person who could change his mind. It also means he has an easier time getting Aziraphale to do his bidding, because now, Aziraphale feels like he has nowhere to go to if he wants to leave Heaven.

Metatron, as an extension of Heaven, is the abuser, and Aziraphale is the victim. Crowley already knows Heaven and Hell are toxic, but Aziraphale hasn't realized that yet. I believe that season 3 (pray we get one), will focus heavily on how that abuse and manipulation will continue until Aziraphale learns to stand up for himself, and finally leave the relationship which has hurt him for so long.

sadboy

Hand, anyone?

I came to your ao3 site after watching OFMD because I knew you could 'fix' the ending. Will you do it again for go2? Please?

I'm afraid I won't be fixing it because I'm one of the rare batch who actually love it. I love Aziraphale white-knighting himself, making the sacrifice play to go back to a place he never wanted to return to, purely to try and protect the earth (and Crowley). Is it selfish of him? Yes. But is it also selfless of him, throwing himself on that grenade to try and fix the very thing that hurt them both? HELL YES.

And he didn't want to go back to Heaven. He absolutely didn't, not until he got the promise that he could save Crowley and keep him by his side and out of danger's path. But now, he's going there alone, to the place he hates, because he needs to try and keep terrible things from happening again.

You don't understand how devastating it was seeing the Doctor opening up to Donna just for her to not be real.

There was also an incredibly cool pair with the Who logo (the band, that is). Being a huge fan of them myself, I was gutted to find out that they were out of stock before I could get my hands on a pair. Someone was luckier (or more smart and quick to act)!

(photo from the 2012 Summer TCA TOUR, "The Spies of Warsaw" discussion panel)

David’s Colorful Converse Collection

Question:  Did you get to decide what you wore <on Doctor Who> David:  It was certainly kind of based on ideas that I’d had, yeah.  I was very keen to have some soft shoes.  I thought I’m in them for 9 months, I’ve got to do a lot of running up and down corridors, I don’t want a big pair of clumpy boots.                              – Totally Doctor Who

—-

He’d been wearing his favorite plimsolls all summer and suggested he wear those instead.  Louise’s only reservation about them was what would happen when it came to December and it was cold and snowing on location?  His feet would freeze and he’d regret his decision then.  David promised her he wouldn’t.  “We did use his own shoes for The Christmas Invasion and then I bought another five identical pairs.  I’ve got about nine now, but we used his own initially because they were already very broken down, very distressed, ripped and torn.  David liked the idea that the Doctor’s shoes were worn in.  He didn’t want him being this neat, perfect character.”                              – Louise Page in Doctor Who - The Inside Story

whatever the doctor and the master have going on is so much more complex than just “enemies-to-lovers” or even “friends-to-enemies-to-lovers” in the most deranged way possible. they’re friends, enemies, lovers, rivals, bitter exes, reluctant allies, arch-nemeses, and they’re constantly, rapidly oscillating between those things. usually they’re more than one of those things simultaneously. they’re lovers who regularly try to kill each other. they’re tentatively repairing their friendship but still can’t trust each other. they’re hatefucking. they’re searching in each other for a lost innocence they can never truly recover. they’re enemies with benefits. they’re each going scorched-earth to annihilate the other. they’re a disgrace to their species. they’re the last of their species. they both want to carve out the parts of themselves that resemble the other. they ran together through fields of red grass under the orange sky of their now-destroyed homeworld and made a pact to run away together to see every star in the universe. i just. do you understand.

Don't get me wrong, but Spies Of Warsaw was THE handsomest DT ever looked (before the 60th specials, that is). And un-fucking-believably dashing, too. And a healthy dose of whump never hurts (as opposed to clumsy puns). Rewatch is due.

This DT edit is my Roman empire

Aziraphale and Crowley don't communicate and it stems from their first meeting.

Let me explain.

Before the Beginning, Crowley is at his most honest and his most vulnerable. He tells Aziraphale so excitedly all about stars and how long it's hoping to take for them to form.

Aziraphale is also bluntly honest (a trait he never really loses but does learn to temper) in telling him about the 6K year timeframe.

Crowley then mentions creating a suggestion box and Aziraphale frets over him, concerned already, and we all know how much trouble Crowley got in for asking a few questions.

This sets the tone for everything after.

Crowley stops being honest - "I'm a demon. I lied." - which also means Crowley has been disparaging his own demonhood at least since Aziraphale looked at him askance on a wall and said, "You're a demon. That's what you do."

Aziraphale stops trusting him, but he never stops being polite. Crowley doesn't attack him, so he doesn't attack either. Not at the Ark, and not with Job's goats. Aziraphale is still vaguely seeing the angel he saw in the stars.

Crowley even gives him the permit so he can doublecheck that everything's above board, so to speak. Then we've got Crowley lying straight to Aziraphale's face about killing Job's children because Crowley still sees the angel in the stars who told him the world and his nebulae were going to prematurely end.

The angel who let kids die in the Flood.

Yes, the angel who shielded him on the wall and gave away a flaming sword, so there's some comfort that he won't instantly get smote - "smitten" 😇 - but still the angel who staunchly toes the party line.

After all's said and done and Aziraphale cries about being fallen - cries over being just what Crowley is, even after seeing Crowley circumvent Hell's rules - Crowley tells him he won't tell anyone.

Crowley is good at not telling anyone things, but so is Aziraphale.

Season 1, we get this. Crowley doesn't tell Aziraphale about the hellhound until the last minute. Aziraphale doesn't tell Crowley about finding Agnes's book. Aziraphale doesn't tell Crowley he's meeting with Nazis, and Crowley certainly never tells Aziraphale how he knows them. 

Season 2, we get more. 

Things Aziraphale doesn't tell Crowley:

• Deringer in a carved out book and gun license

• Drivers license he's had for 90 years - as long as Crowley's had the Bentley

• Why his French is so bad (not until he's asked a direct question)

• He knows Crowley likes to rescue him

Things Crowley doesn't tell Aziraphale:

• Beelzebub dragged him to Hell and made him an offer

• He'd never shot a gun before

I'm sure there are more things I'm forgetting, but those are some of the big ones.

More evidence of their continued lack of communication after the Apocanot is the apology dance. (Although I love it and do need to see Aziraphale do it too.)

Crowley is not wrong, and Aziraphale is not right. They are both both. But that never gets discussed, which is why Crowley never has to talk about being brought to Hell. He never talks about Aziraphale being threatened by Extreme Sanctions.

Aziraphale doesn't know why Crowley comes back, but he very likely assumes it's because Crowley wants to do the right thing after all. Aziraphale is still thinking about the angel Crowley was (season 1, "You were an angel once") and sees every single instance of good as PROOF that Crowley could/should/wants to be an angel again.

Additionally, some of the things they do say don't get heard. Aziraphale likes to tell someone he's doing good now that he's no longer reporting to Heaven. Crowley teases him for it twice, back to back. Tone of voice and "doing good again, angel?" after Maggie says something about the rent.

Aziraphale craves being told he's doing the right thing. Aziraphale has been pushed into a place where he won't get that from the place he always has because Heaven is out of reach. If he'd communicated this to Crowley, who is doing everything he can as always to keep him safe, that Crowley would keep teasing him? That Crowley wouldn't gesture to someone in need and say, "Right. Have fun, angel." Anthony J'acts-of-service Crowley would absolutely let Aziraphale have all the bouncy fun miracles in the world without shame. 

Also, when they discuss how to make Nina and Maggie fall in love. Crowley's idea - canopy, rainstorm, vavoom - is absolutely informed by his own experiences, but he doesn't leave it at that. He says he "saw in a Richard Curtis film." He won't let that uncomfortable truth live in reality, pushing it off to humans and film. The realm of fiction, as Aziraphale immediately latches onto.

They don't talk about themselves. They don't talk about being an US. They said their side without getting into the nitty gritty of what that means to the point where neither knows where the line is.

Aziraphale says our car and when Crowley refuses because my car, Aziraphale also says they both get use out of the bookshop. Our car, our bookshop. It's a melding that Aziraphale assumes is perfectly natural, but Crowley hasn't seen it that way. They haven't talked about it.

And when they finally do, Aziraphale is running on the assumption that because Crowley does good and was happiest as an angel, looking over a colourful nebulae - so happy with it, he didn't want to lose it and ended up Falling for it - of course Crowley would want to go back. Of course Crowley would want to be in charge (second in command) since it means doing what they do on a larger scale.

Crowley, however, is still keen to keep going as they have been. Alcoholic breakfast at the Ritz, fixing up the bookshop like nothing happened, getting Muriel away so it can just be the two of them. Crowley is ready for the status quo. Although he does have new knowledge that the car and the bookshop are theirs, he and Aziraphale still carried the plants back to the Bentley.

They are still not talking.

And when they do, it's too little and it's too late. And they never ask each other why.

Next season, they need to learn how to ask why. And I have faith they will.