Pang! Part Fourteen: Heart To Heart Previous | Next

Pang! Part Fourteen: heart to heart previous | next

Word Count: 669 CW: talks about mental illness/depression

The sky is surprisingly clear at this late hour, stars sparkling up above you and it reminds you of the ocean - the universe vast and deep, not unlike the abyss below the sea that remains unexplored, one of the few reasons you found yourself drawn to the ocean blues. You find your mind wandering to nowhere in particular when Chan slides up next to you, neither of you saying a word. It’s rather nice, a comforting silence falling between the two of you as you gaze up at the neverending sight of stars. 

It’s uncertain to you how long you’ve been sitting there like that but the slight breeze that comes every now and then causes you to curl up further into your hoodie in a search for some warmth. Still, you don’t complain or say anything, instead letting him decide when he’s ready to say something. 

Chan’s not dumb and he knows you’re giving him time, the space to gather the courage to let him know what’s on his mind, it’s moments like this where he really appreciates you - willing to sit with him on a nippy spring night in pure silence. Still, he doesn’t want to keep you out too late, so he speaks up. “I’m jealous of you,” Chan starts out and his words make you turn to him so fast you worry you might have given yourself whiplash from the sheer force. “I just think it’s admirable? How happy-go-lucky you can be even during stressful times. Like I don’t think I’ve ever seen you upset and I just wish I could be happy? I feel like I should be happy? But I feel like I’m not,” 

You’re staring at him in disbelief, blinking as your mind rattles in your brain and before you can stop yourself you’re laughing. Just a small giggle but it still has Chan looking at you like you’ve lost your mind.

“Sorry! Sorry! I’m not laughing at you! I swear! I just- It’s kinda funny to me? Is all,” This time he’s the one blinking over at you in confusion. “Ok sorry. Can I be honest?” He nods. “It’s all fake,” You pause. “Ok wait, that sounds bad, let me rephrase,” You ramble just slightly, suddenly feeling nervous as you wring your fingers together. “I- struggle a lot with depression. For a long time I felt like I was alone and isolated,  so when I started college here it was a chance to reinvent myself but I still struggled with making friends. I met Soonyoung during that big old club day when he tried to recruit me to the dance team, even though I have two left feet. Though I didn’t join the dance team, him and Sua pretty much adopted me that day. It’s just easier…to pretend to be ok and happy, even when i’m not. Especially when i’m not. But what I’m trying to say is everyone’s dealing with something, and some people hide it better. You’re not alone Chan and you never will be when you have such wonderful friends surrounding you. 

He’s silent as he takes in your words, the two of them staring at each other as a more awkward silence fills the spaces in between you. 

“Can I hug you?”

Well it’s certainly not what you were expecting him to say, and you’re sure he realizes just what you’re thinking as you look at him with wide eyes. 

“Sorry- I’m just. Not good with words like you are so,” You let out a small laugh before nodding your head, opening up your arms. And when Chan slides into your embrace, it feels like two puzzle pieces clicking together. You can’t explain it, it just feels. . .right and you hate that you feel this way. 

So you do what you do best, pushing down your feelings and squeezing the male softly, no more words need to be said between the two of you as you embrace under the night sky. Just two friends.