Emptyspaxes - Bisho

Pile I   -  Friedel Anderson , 2013.

German,  b. 1954  -  

Oil on canvas , 80 x 65 cm

Neurotypicals take drugs to experience everyday shit for neurodivergent people like “Bro I was so high I had to turn my tv down to taste my pizza” yeah that’s a Tuesday night for me

So, are you "chronically late" neurodivergent OR "overcompensates for the fact that I have no concept of time by being ridiculously early" neurodivergent?

Birth Certificates are just receipts for human beings.

Confessions of a burnt out disabled human:

I’ve been disabled since one random day when I was two years old. That’s when the fates decided, El would have paralysis and brain issues.

I didn’t know I was different until I was 5 years old and figured out that I looked different compared to everyone else. I had two friends throughout elementary school who didn’t give a shit that I was different. But everyone else cared. From fellow classmates that bullied me, to teachers that compared me to my older brother… and not in a good way.

I got my IEP revoked because my kindergarten grades were good, only to get it reinstated in second grade because the admins started to realize their vital mistake when my math grade started slipping.

In middle school, my math teacher convinced my tutor I was faking my math processing issues. The tutor stopped meeting with me, even after my parents’ protest. I got a C in math at the end of that year, when I was getting high Bs and low As while I was meeting with my tutor. My middle school admins gave me the wrong English standardized test and they decided to rectify it on the math standardized test day. They made up for it with a measly Starbucks Frappuccino.

I was purposefully put in a dance class meant for 8-11 year olds when I was a sophomore. I was the oldest one there. I came home crying every night, but I was too loyal to quit. A year later I auditioned for my city’s little production of the Cinderella ballet. At the time, I had 10 years of experience. They gave me, a 16 year old, a role with 35-50 year olds. I signed up to audition for my church’s youth band when I was a junior in high school. The band managers swore up and down to me that they’d reach out to me to set up an audition. They never did (hindsight, I’m glad they never did. But my point still stands). No one takes me seriously.

I graduated from high school with a 4.29 gpa (dual credit). My high school didn’t acknowledge this as legitimate and wouldn’t consider me an honor grad because my unweighted GPA was 3.29. I needed a 3.3 unweighted. My high school purposefully kept my ACT scores in a vault for two weeks before sending them off, getting me and my family in hot water with ACT because they thought we were cheating. I got a 14 on the math… so… hah, no cheating. I got into college on a technicality because of COVID restrictions. I feel like a fraud. I constantly have to tell myself I deserve to be there. I constantly panic when professors ask me, “Kayla, what do you want to do with your life? When are you graduating?” Finding work as a disabled person is incredibly difficult. Do they really think I know? I’m just hoping I’ll figure out how to get by.

I started trying to date in the summer of 2021. And do you know what I have to show for it? Abandonment trauma and a fuckton of content for depressing disabled gay poetry. I’m losing hope. I shouldn’t have to disclose my disability. I shouldn’t have to worry what people might think. I want that picture perfect happy ending. I deserve it as much as my able bodied counterparts. I don’t want to be a bitter spinster. But, yet, so many people see being disabled as an immediate no. So hell only knows if love is in the cards for me.

It’s hard having disability pride. Its hard to be proud of what makes you stand out in ways you didn’t choose. I’m tired. I’m burnt out. I’m exhausted.

The last day of Pompeii by Karl Bryullov

Me: I don't know which of these things is my favorite.

Also me: You can call both of them your favorite.

Me: No, whichever is my favorite defines me. And A has always been my favorite. B is more of a recent favorite.

Also me: ... why can't both be your favorite?

Me: BECAUSE MY FAVORITE DEFINES ME.

do not separate them…..