I Was Washing A Dish At Work And The Sauce Had A Very Interesting Consistency. I Made A Joke About It

Sometimes I lie in bed and imagine I’m dying so I feel slightly less horrible about how much of a mess my life is

Crazy date idea: we watch The Scooby Doo live action films and list all the signs that Velma and Daphne should have ended up together.

We can also do the same with Mystery Inc. if you’re feeling really flirty.

I hope that dying won't be like sneezing, falling asleep or having an orgasm, where you're almost halfway there for what feels like ages, and just when it's about to happen, you think "oh shit, this is it, here it comes" and then it fucking doesn't because you jinxed it.

Fuck yeah. Bugs and women.

I was bored in class

Nobody deserves to fall asleep at night wondering why they weren't enough.

Sometimes I really forget that I’m allowed to make little changes to help me enjoy life, thank you for this :)

collection of useful things tumblr has taught me:

even if you can't fall asleep, laying down with your eyes closed will still rest your body

you don't have to brush your teeth standing up

you don't have to do any chore standing up, from dishes to showering

you don't have to shower with the lights on

if you can't brush your teeth, flossing and a tongue scraper gets rid of plaque and bad breath

if you can't do that, mouthwash kills a lot of bacteria

eating "unhealthy" food is better than eating no food

you can make the same meal everyday for however long you still want it

some pills come in syrups or chewables if you can't swallow them

kids nutritional shakes can be a quick way to get fuel if you can't eat/don't have time

if walking hurts/exhausts you on a regular basis, canes and rollers are for you, no matter how young you are

we have free will—if doing something "out of the ordinary" makes life easier for you, do it

As someone who drinks 1-2 large glasses of milk a day, I think my biggest nightmare is gaining lactose intolerance.

I think having things explained to me this way piques my interest so much.

Why did my teachers not do this?

poorly explaining internet horror in a single sentence

Local58 - What if “The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask” was even more horrifying than it already is?

The Mandela Catalogue - Adam and Eve fucked around and found out

The Walten Files - Chuck E. Cheese on crack

Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared - Sesame Street but the street is in Detroit

The Monument Mythos - The Statue of Freedom is in a silly goofy mood

The Nixonverse - Richard Nixon: cha cha real smooth *teleports to an alternate timeline*

The Trinity Desk Project - Fantastic Four but worse

Mystery Flesh Pit National Park - There is no ethical consumption under capitalism

Possibly in Michigan - Gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss

they should invent a way to save your mother