As Someone Who Drinks 1-2 Large Glasses Of Milk A Day, I Think My Biggest Nightmare Is Gaining Lactose

I hope that dying won't be like sneezing, falling asleep or having an orgasm, where you're almost halfway there for what feels like ages, and just when it's about to happen, you think "oh shit, this is it, here it comes" and then it fucking doesn't because you jinxed it.

they should invent a way to save your mother

The fact I want to bring a spray bottle of water wherever I go so I can turn up mysteriously damp to all my side quests is actually insane. (I might just do it).

do it scared. do it vaguely uncomfortable. do it mysteriously damp

Fuck yeah. Bugs and women.

I was bored in class

Crazy date idea: we watch The Scooby Doo live action films and list all the signs that Velma and Daphne should have ended up together.

We can also do the same with Mystery Inc. if you’re feeling really flirty.

Reliving the memory of a typical British childhood dinner

I think having things explained to me this way piques my interest so much.

Why did my teachers not do this?

poorly explaining internet horror in a single sentence

Local58 - What if “The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask” was even more horrifying than it already is?

The Mandela Catalogue - Adam and Eve fucked around and found out

The Walten Files - Chuck E. Cheese on crack

Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared - Sesame Street but the street is in Detroit

The Monument Mythos - The Statue of Freedom is in a silly goofy mood

The Nixonverse - Richard Nixon: cha cha real smooth *teleports to an alternate timeline*

The Trinity Desk Project - Fantastic Four but worse

Mystery Flesh Pit National Park - There is no ethical consumption under capitalism

Possibly in Michigan - Gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss

Sometimes I lie in bed and imagine I’m dying so I feel slightly less horrible about how much of a mess my life is

Nobody deserves to fall asleep at night wondering why they weren't enough.