Should've Been Studying For My Test But NoOooo..

Can you please reblog if your blog is a safe place for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, asexual, aromantic, pansexual, non binary, demisexual or any other kind of queer or questioning people? Because mine is.

She looked at me like i had grown two heads. Her dress was absolutely drenched and I was sure if I stayed in the rain for a minute more I'd have to wake up tomorrow sneezing.

"My knees are kind of hurting now.." I said in between laughs, "an answer right about now would be nice." My worry only grew as I saw her face held no trace of amusement.

Did I mess up? Or did I... - Her eyes were back to being lifeless and emotionless.. Like they were whenever she'd talk about her father. No!

Suddenly, as if something in her snapped, she took off- running out of the park. She ran as fast as her feet could carry her, slipping a few times because of the rain. My heart broke seeing how frantic she was.. Running away as if she were prey.

To my horror she ran onto the streets.. Thank God its late night and the streets are empty.. This girl is going to be the death of me.

"Cara! Cara.. Wait, please!" I ran after her. If she thought she could just run away from me and my feelings and her emotions, she's wrong. "Cara stop... Please!" I can't let her run away.. from us!

"Cara?! STOP!" I screamed as loud and clear as my cracked voice would allow me...,"Please. " She stood deathly still - well as still as she could be while crying- a street light illuminating her sobbing figure.

"Was it something I said?"

No answer.

"Did I do something wrong?"

No answer.

"Why did you run?"

No answer.

I combed my fingers through my hair in frustration. "Cara at least talk to me, damn it!"

"I DON'T DESERVE IT, OKAY?! I don't deserve ANY of it! Not your time, not your effort, not you and definitely not your love."

A deathly silence ensued which put a wall of sorts between us. She stood rooted to her spot and i couldn't help but feel my heart twist and clench in pain.

I took a step forward only to have her step - no, flinch back-... Well, ouch.

"Cara, who told you so? Who was it? Who told you that you didn't dese-"

"He did. She did. They ALL did... Damon, I would've brushed it off if it were just him but...How can ALL of them be wrong?!"

I couldn't tell what hurt more at this point. The ankle I twisted while running after her, my heart that shattered one word at a time.. Or the fact that there were years of hurt and tears behind every smile she put up.

"Cara, I won't go about reciting a cheesy monologue now because.. Well, I don't want you to punch me. So no, I will not say you deserve the moon and the stars and blah blah blah.. What I will say is," I took a deep breath in, this is it!

"I can only give you what I have to give. It may not be what you want or deserve.. But it is definitely something that you need, I need... We need. So, Cara, right now I don't have the power to heal you.. But i promise you that you will heal, I will heal..That we will heal--together. I offer you my love and I damn well have enough love to last a lifetime and then some...... I mean sure, its not good enough for you to deserve but-," I looked down as I came to the close of my speech.

Before I could finish my sentence I felt someone jump onto me and smash their lips on mine. She wrapped her legs around my waist and tangled her fingers in my hair.

I'm going to take that as a sign that I did well. Woot woot! Did I really just say 'wppt woot'? I'm a grown man for heaven's sake. Jeez.

We broke apart, out of breath, and rest our foreheads against each other's.

"Don't you ever say you're not good enough for me."

She giggled a bit as she jumped off of me and I bit back a groan of frustration as she took her warmth with her. "Oh, and by the way?...

... Yes"

It took me a second to realise.. And when I did I'm pretty sure I made her want to reconsider her decision, given the way I was jumping and squealing. I vaguely remember lifting her and spinning her around as she laughed freely, before i slipped the ring on her finger.

We walked together, hand in hand, getting drenched in the rain. For the first time I was myself without a care in the world.. Not caring who saw or judged or envied. I had her hand in mine and that's all that mattered... Other than the fact that she also agreed to be mine.. Yea.. You get the point. Dammit I just HAD to be awkward and ruin a fuzzy romantic story.

The nightmare was even scarier because it was so similar to reality....

me..I’m the one who said it....   :)

ehehehehehehehe

There is no more division between thorns and roses,

But there is one between your heart and mine..

So fill the void with an unsheathed dagger

And let my heart bleed red and divine.

My chest has been a graveyard of resentments, unresolved traumas, and anomalies of burdens best not spoken of. Here near the wrought iron gates lay the bones of little deaths that no longer hurt, strategically placed at the entrance as to filter the horror of what’s ahead. They are the well-tended ones among the others, lined with oak trees and clean, morose-looking stone angels upon the sun-dappled grounds. The air smell like freshly cut grass at all times, and butterflies can be seen fluttering among the vivid rainbow of wildflowers.

Everyday, after giving that area loving looks, I start by placing flowers upon the tombs of those I should’ve and shouldn’t have said, of those I couldn’t, and those I no longer have the chance to. They do almost no damage. Not a single tear shed for them but somehow they are hardest to let go. Even after many the pretenses of healing I always find myself coming back and surprisingly knowing which tomb to go to, parallel to what’s eating away my brains at the given moment.

Buried a little further, in sodden soils and balding grass, are the manifold agonies hardly ever silenced. These are the shadows that follow me everywhere― etching themselves onto my skin, digging deep with their claws, infiltrating my purpling veins, rusting the way I see the world. They are the screams and wails that scraped my throat. Here lay the sins I haven’t forgiven myself from, perhaps I couldn’t, for ten, twenty, thirty more years―not until the lips that utters the apology learns to not tremble terribly to speak of forgiveness.

Beyond the grotesquely gnarled trees are the yawning ravened skies, beneath them the little deaths that don’t feel little at all. I do not grieve them for I fear them. The mere mention of their existence is enough to steal a couple of peaceful beats from my heart. I do not go there often but it is beyond my control when I do. The walks are always done in a trance, my senses suspended apart from being aware of the enveloping darkness and the whispering mist. Then, before the rotting area of fissured tombstones, stone crosses, and moss-covered gargoyles upon the wide stretch of withered grass, littered with bones and damp fallen branches; I will feel again. This is the part where my knees give up. The entities that diminish reason will torment my head again. For some reasons I have not yet been given the strength to mother the words to account the torture. I will emerge days later― drenched, shivering, and detached from reality.

Until now I can’t say I know these leaves-strewn grounds too well. I still discover headstones for little deaths I did not know I had, some too old that I couldn’t make out the inscriptions, some long forgotten I do not know what remains are underneath.

And just when I thought I’ll never be too broken than I am now, the gentle daybreak revealed acres of soil for more burials.

— autumn artemis, The Graveyard Breathes

11|19|2020

photo from: pinterest

He had found her. He had finally found her. They had taken-no, ripped-her away from him, but now he'd found her.

He didn't remember anymore the exact time or date she was taken. He didn't need to as he had found her.

But had he truly found HER?

He wasn't so sure as he took in her stance- back slightly hunched and hands in front of her, eyes flickering from one gaurd to the other as if trying to decipher who would pounce first.

He walked closer and glared at the guards as they backed away. He wanted to gather her in his arms.. He wanted to see her face light up as she recognised him.

But when she saw him, her expression didn't change. Her eyes didn't fill with recognition nor did her stance relax at the slightest.

She's afraid of me? She is...

She is.

With each step forward she stepped back till she couldn't anymore.

She looked around at a chance of an escape.

She couldn't go back- no. She'd rather have these men kill her than keep her alive and tempt her with death. She doesn't remember much of what they did.. And for that she's thankful as whatever little she remembers, she wishes to forget. Because there's nothing more frightening that seeing glimpses of water and the feeling of arms flailing as water sloshes and slaps your face and muffled laughter and then...-

-waking up in the dark alley. There's nothing more scary than seeing glimpses of death and surviving without knowing what you did to survive.

The man in front of her had soft eyes and had his hand outstretched. He seemed trustworthy... And warm. She could do with a but of warmth right now. She trusts him.. Why? Maybe he looks an awful lot like the hazy blur she remembers. She takes his hand and steps into his embrace.

She is engulfed by him. His arms wraps around her, his scent soothes her and his warmth invites her to drown in him. She is completely engulfed. He whispers with a ghost of a smile, "I got you. Nobody's ever going to hurt you now my chicken nugget."

Chicken nugget? Why does that sound so familiar to her?

Her hand fishes through her dress on its own accord, frantically searching.. Chicken nugget..she feels the cold hard surface of a metal. What was it doing in her dress? - chicken- before she knows what her body is doing her hand has slammed the knife into his back. - nugget. She drags the knife down his back, along his spine, rips it out and plunges it into his back again.

Chicken nugget- a mere whisper in her mind as her hazy vision clears and she sees him.

The gaurds have sprung into action, hooking her arms behind her at a odd angle, and shoving her onto the ground.

But she doesn't seem to care. Memories came crashing down on her. She had killed him and they had struck through her. Triggering her to stab when she heard the 2 words: chicken nugget.

She couldn't even cry. She couldn't even scream.

They had used a symbol of their love to all but destroy it.

Rapturous Obsession

I can’t get you

Out of my mind.

You barge through every boundary

That I ever defined.

You occupy every room vacant

In every corner of my senses

In broad daylight there are illusions..

Could you not generate these pretenses?

You blur my sight

With crystal clear delusions

My reality does fumble

When you strengthen your visions.

Pleasantly you present

Your devilishly sweet smile

Then you linger and wander in my thoughts

For more than ‘a while.’

If only you weren’t a dream

And were truly near me.

If only you weren’t a fantasy

And were my blissful reality.

Another thunderclap rang out and woke me up once again. Just as I was about to drift off to sleep the thunder would jolt me into consciousness. They kept getting louder, though, as if it was getting annoyed of how quickly I could sleep.

But I had to stay awake tonight. I just had to.

3.26 am huh.

He should be here any minute now.

I looked out to the city. Little specks of light here and there.

Some would go to sleep and some were just waking up.. Street lights and headlights lit up a bit of the streets.

Light made most look around them in awe.. But somehow it made me wonder what or who thrived in the shadows.

I sat near the warmth of the fireplace, not caring about the dying fire.. - I didn't mind the dark so much you see. The orange hue reflected off the polished wood floor and shadows crawled on the walls.

3.44am....he should've managed to crawl up the first flight of stairs at least.

I brought out the first aid kit and kept it on the coffee table. Its just a matter of time. after setting everything up, I sauntered over to the kitchen. If I'm gonna stay up.. Might as well have some coffee.

I pulled out a mug and put on some soft music. The only problem was that I was supposed to feel awake but the chilly weather and soothing music only lulled me further to sleep.

Being sleepy didn't do much good but it was as if my limbs knew what they were doing. I absentmindedly drifted around the kitchen and somehow my mug was now filled with piping hot coffee... Dammit.. I must've got carried away.. There was enough left over to fill another cup. Oh well looks like I'm gonna be having tw-

The door slammed open and in stepped a 5'11ft tall towering man with his balance faltering and eyes red.

Well... I guess I'm awake now.

"why?... Why won't you just give me a chance? Us... A chance?"

Yep. He was drunk. He doesn't just go around slurring those words everyday.

"Iri-"

"No Roxy. I'm tired of you explaining the same shit again and again. You aren't fooling anybody.. But yourself."

A few steps closer and i saw the bruise on his jaw and his slightly busted lip. Why can't he just drunk cry or drunk laugh like other people?

".. And it's useless because I know you do."

Shit I zoned out.

He stepped ahead and put his palms on either side of my face, leaned down to meet my eyes and said with a smirk, "Well at least your eyes don't lie."

Damn him and damn that smirk.. That stupid smi-

And now his head was on my shoulder.

And I think he's sleeping. Great. How do I haul him to the couch now?

He just had to be a giant and pass out on my shoulder.

"You love me Roxy.. I know you do."

I sighed. I did.. But he doesn't need to know that... Does he? I'm no good at this love thing.

"Iris..I don't. Can't you just drop it already?"

His arms went around my waist and he whispered ever so slightly, "Oh dear.....I think you lie."

And the next moment his lips were on mine and my fingers were tangled in his hair. I could taste the alcohol on him and the way his lip throbbed from the fight but I could care less.

Because if he was drunk and hurt.. Then so was I.

He pulled back a little and I cursed myself for ever needing air when clearly the only thing I needed from the beginning was him.

"I hate to say this but... I told you so."

That's when the trance i was in shattered and i scurried back.

"Iris. We need to stop. That was a mistake. I don't love you.. Hell I don't even care ab-"

"Oh really? Is that why there's a first aid kit on the coffee table?"

A step ahead.

"Is that why you're up at 3 in the morning? Because you know it's a Friday and im going to come home dunk and beaten?"

Another step forward and now he was a breathe away from my face.

"Is that why there are two mugs on the kitchen counter? I'm guessing the mug on the left is my black coffee with 1 teaspoon sugar."

And that's when a little voice in my head said 'fuck it' and as soon as we landed on the couch in a tangled mess.. That changed to 'fuck yes.'

And that's the story of how I ended up wide awake throughout the night without any coffee.

Would you dare?

If you had no face

Would you still glance at the mirror

In hopes of seeing your feautures

Albeit in a blur?

If you had no eyes

Would you brave looking at the sun

To all but hope

That the blazing fireball can have your blindness undone?

If you had no hair

Would you be bold enough to weild a comb

To hope to know

How It bares its teeth to strands of gold brown and chrome?

If you had no heart

Would you dare to love with your being

Only to hope

To feel at least a little.. At least something?

Room of Memories

In that corner of the room

Behind the curtains of that room

Lives a small part of me

Lives a younger me.

The infant that I once was

The infant that became me

Resides in this room

As memories of sorrow and glee.

Every tear that stained

Every smile that was made

Resides in this room

Where i joyfully played.

I remember only

Two spent days

One where I left for greed

And one where the child in me stays.

The instant I left

The comforts of this room

The adult in me selfishly rejoiced

While my younger self drowned in doom.

The day i returned

Was a day of discovery

Of not the new

But the old, joyous younger me.