“Why Did This Post Comfort Me?” Because It’s Comforting. Next.

One thing that might be helpful as an aid is a heated body pillow. They're about $100, but it can help to simulate hugging. The combination of that and a weighted blanket works particularly well. Cheaper option would be a heating pad & a regular pillow, you might already have those laying around. It won't be quite as nice, but it could still help.

Combining visualization (within a headspace situation) with hugging someone who is co-con can also work well. And combining all of these things can work *very* well.

How do I hug my headmates and have them actually feel it? They're cool and deserve hugs :]

Hello! I relate to this a lot,

Now I'm not familiar with stuff in headspace or an inner world as we don't really have one. However! I often will hug the body/ourselves, with the To Be Hugged in front or co-con with me, and that works. In fact, all physical affection we want to show to one another and feel it is through the body .. it's actually really comforting ^♡^

There are likely other ways, and this may not work for everyplural, but this is what we do! I hope they get their hugs <3

SEBIAN LEX

@junoisded

Love-Me, Love-Me-Nots Daisy : A Guide on Navigating In-Sys Relationships

Romantic relationship, situationship, friendship, kinship, partnership.. There's way too much to list in just one sentence!

Here's a random fact for this topic; People say first impression is reliable to know of the other person, and surprisingly they're only 51% accurate when it's about judging wether a person is extroverted. But will you be able to judge better when it comes to your own alters as you technically live in the same headspace?

All that aside, this post will address inner relationships as a whole. Use this chance to see this topic outside of the romantic stereotype that we always see! (X-mas Activity included)

FAST PASS: Not available--this is an important occasion, read the full post!

What's a "relationship" with no romance, then?

according to this quote,

"a continuing and often committed association between two or more people, as in a family, friendship, marriage, partnership, or other interpersonal link in which the participants have some degree of influence on each other’s thoughts, feelings, and actions." - Merriam Webster

Basically, it means there's atleast two people committing with the connection they have formed with each other to qualify as a relationship, no matter the form.

When it comes to systems, it is up to themselves to see alters as separate people, or as different versions of itself,, the idea still can be applied here: as rebuilding the connection you lost/dissociated with your yet-to-be-integrated personalities/facets.

Being a system is a relationship already?!

Well--yeah!

But let me explain a bit here.

As a complex living being, our brain is made to adapt through tasks that requires multifaceted thinking. This would mean you would incorporate both logical and emotional thoughts, curious and cautious perspectives, and any behavioral or social habits or patterns you have learnt which all condenses into one singular conclusion or action that seems to be the best for a current situation--which is also dependent on how your thought processes work.

That is the basic depiction of integrated thinking to agree on a solution, but for systems--this is fragmented, leaving short-sighted solutions based on each facets, which bypasses the "filter" to integrate multiple ideas as one. Now, creating many different solutions or outcomes you could take, which is equal to the amount of alters actively participating on the discussion.

I... guess you're still confused, which is why i prepared this visual representation:

This should explain everything i had described beforehand. Now im not sure if the quality is the best..

So yes, as a complex being, you had already own different views which take skills to talk it out into one unified resolution.

Especially, if your different views you have can influence what actions, feelings, or reaction you get. That's your own emotional and mental dynamic when it comes to navigating your own map of thoughts. A literal relationship with the self..!

Eg. "I love this food! But i can't eat too much or else i'll feel sick" When you have a passion of food driven by emotional resonance, you still have a logical side that completes the thought to exact a reasoning without over-eating.

A.. Self Relationship..?

It's not a cringe thing at all. Trust. No cap.

There's literally a concept named self-care, which focuses on maintaining your health, emotional wellness, and enrichment in your life. Another term accepted widely by society is a self-date where you treat yourself similarly like a partner, focuses on practicing self love--this one would talk about how do you approach your different views (or alters, for systems), as a form of self regulation and processing.

To put this within context, you're a system, and, that means there are multiple parts of yourselves (or people) that are separated through dissociative barriers. This means you are disconnected with the majority of your multifaceted nature,, which also means you do not have a good relationship with yourself.

Simply put, this is where you learn to meet your needs again. As described from the hierarchy of needs by Maslow.

--

From a more general view, a negative relationship with yourself looks like:

A sense of distrust with your gut feelings

Unable to accept certain feelings or traits of your own

Self-blame/hate

Ignoring/neglecting your emotional and mental health

Unsure of your likes, dislikes, or favorite things

Not allowing yourself to be authentic (masking)

Operates in shame and focusing on failures

Not feeling you have worth or deserving of good things

Internal suppressing (notable for alter dynamics in systems)

System things that branch out from a negative relationship with yourself additionally appears as:

Fighting for front with different parts

Oftentimes arguing, playing down other's opinion

Feeling uncomfortable around headmates

Crippling sense of loneliness/disconnection amidst your alters

Things like shame, guilt, negative opinions of others, or poor treatment often shapes an unhealthy relationship with yourself.

The reason behind this is when your external environment is an enemy (eg. instead of supporting, you're being blamed) to you and your integrity, you may consciously or unconsciously pick up behaviors where you must abandon yourself to appease others and survive better, which means you have been taught to be an enemy of your own in order to live. Absolutely not nice.

Oh god. Can i ever break from this habit?

Ofcourse you can, but oftentimes your system are not in terms with some or most alters at the first place. It is normal to have a difficult or a conflicted dynamic within your other selves, and, you totally can shift this negative relationship with your own parts into a healthier and cooperative one!

It's better to take it nice and slow--i'll briefly show the steps on how to start demolishing this tensioned dynamic:

Inspire yourself with the idea of how working together would help in tackling difficult days.

Be aware of your negative thoughts or reactions when interacting with your parts, make sure that you don't act out on it. Also take this as a sign to un-learn some sabotaging or passive aggressive behaviors!

Help bringing awareness to the collective of their reactive behaviors, and reflect what can be done to increase better communication without conflict involved.

Parts often listen to their own egos--not caring about other alters and doing impulsive things while fronting. Bring clarity to how their actions impact the collective, and even themselves at the future. This would help foster more teamwork.

After some degree of awareness and cooperation has been established, do small acts of kindness for each other to strengthen the bond. This is also a good time to give roles and jobs, ensuring trust and that your back is covered.

The rest of this phase is up to you and how your natural dynamic and system works, good luck!

Waddya think of in-sys romance then..

We've briefed ourselves on what relationship constitutes as, and what does it mean generally to systems. Which means, In-sys partners and their romantic relationship is a valid (plural form) of fostering self love, akin to self-dates.

A good cooperation with your alters means a good relationship and terms with any alters you have--wether they have a purpose or not in your system. When it comes to internal romance situations, it focuses as a specific integration that your alters are going through. This will create a fusion between two or more headmates due to the dissociative barriers between them broke down.

It takes a long way to start loving yourself after years of internal disputes and conflict which perpetuates the high dissociation with each other, don't feel ashamed of it!

Are romantic relationships mandatory?

No they are not, but they are one of the most intimate, personal forms of self bonding. You still can heal and bond through cooperation and camaraderie, and everyone's styles are different, so let's not judge 'em.

Of course, romantic relationships within your system offers some pros that a normal comrade-dynamic cannot replicate:

Deeper understanding of your alters emotionally

Getting your love-needs met when you never received any proper care

Often faster to start integrating than a typical relationship

Another way to work around negative sense of worth and habits

Definitely, with some cons too:

Some alters are not compatible together, which creates friction

Unresolved habits or beliefs that blocks them from truly embracing love and care

Often frowned upon to have in-sys partners by communities, that prevents them from fully immersing in it

It brings up uncomfortable or painful truths or unresolved trauma, then to be faced and healed from

Not an extensive list, but you now got the idea. Use this list to prepare or broaden your knowledge on what romantic relationships look like!

Lastly. Did you also know that you can have parental dynamics in your system? it is similar to the romantic one, yet now driven with a different kind of love, just like a caretaker with their child parts. They are also important to heal, and feel safer after having trauma from younger times.

Takeaway & Together Activities

At the end of the day, no matter how many daisies you've plucked, a flower can't tell what's the answer to your internal relationships--romantically or not, for your system.

How do you see system dynamics differently now? There are many lessons packed in one posts that you could bring home. I definitely think that internal relationships are rarely discussed, so i gave it my all to create this entire topic, consisting of different system dynamics!

Lastly, internal relationships don’t need to be limited to serious work--they can also be fostered through shared joy and celebration! With Christmas approaching, here’s the five-day activity plan to build your bond together as i promised previously:

DAY 1

Reflect on how far you've all come. The year is coming to an end, what are the proudest moments or milestones of your system journey this year?

DAY 2

The day after reflection, what gratitude do you have for your alters? It's best to let them know you truly appreciate their work and efforts to keep things afloat before new years--let them know you feel supported by them, and willing to support them back!

DAY 3

Discuss how you would spend the whole day with others/your partner. Do you like outings? Watching movies? Or do you have multiple recommendations to do? Even if you are limited to night time only, go for it! You deserve a day to do the things you want.

DAY 4

There's one day left before the famous holiday, Take a moment to ponder on what you could get for others--if there's no money, consider a homemade gift like a memorial art, or letters,, make sure to keep them a secret before the day.

DAY 5

Don't forget to give each other's presents if you have prepared from the day before. Any consumables are also allowed to be bought on this day. Merry Christmas everyone!

On a personal note. This post took two weeks- augh-

- c

“Headmates need to be miserable all the time 24/7!!!” actually headmates need delicious homemade Mac-n-cheese

🧟‍♂️ for the ask game!

It's me. Even when I mask, I've been told a couple times that I come off as too intimidating but especially if I'm not masking or if I'm triggered in a certain way. Assuming I'm not triggered, I see it more as assertiveness than aggression, but if I don't tone it down a lot, it can be jarring for people who are used to a different vibe.

I'm definitely not viewed that way within my system. None of my systemmates are scared of me anymore. They know I'm not going to do anything that would harm us. For a while now, I've also been functioning as a caretaker for our body and for anyone in my system who needs emotional support. So I think most of them see me as a source of safety, not fear. Took time to get there though.

Hi!! We’ve recently discovered we’re a system, and your posts have been immensely helpful.

Currently, we’re trying to improve intra-system communication and get to know each other better. Do you have any ideas for activities that might help with that/activities we could do together? Thank you! :)

Hi! I think a little tip is to treat this as making new friends/getting to know your friends, because often that's just what it is! Obviously there are differences, but still. And communication is different for everyplural, sometimes systems need to really focus and meditate to talk, other times they just need to be doing something to call one another to front or have something to focus on. It's important to figure out what works for y'all :]

So what we personally really enjoy doing is things like board games, card games don't really work for us but if we're co-con/front board games are really fun, and often require enough communication to strengthen it but not too much that they're unplayable without it. Plus they usually work for our younger headmates who sometimes feel left out from our older ones

So some fun activities could be, that I could think of hehe:

Just asking questions : including truth or dare and such, 20 questions, you can even look up ( or buy if something physical would help ) questions for groups, etc. A great way to talk and get to know one another

board/cardgames : as I said, these can be really fun and are 'compatible' with a lot of systems, especially board games were good for us early on

making picrews of yourselves : if you're unaware, picrew.me is a site people can make character creators on that others can then use. This can help not only with communication but we find it helps differentiating ourselves, it's also fun to just make characters up together!

^ a game we play is one person makes a character, and then we all get to make up a backstory and such for it. Picrew isn't even necessarily needed for this

arts and crafts/creating in general can be really fun plus you get something out of it. Anything and everything art wise can be a really fun group project, even just all of you doodling something personal on a sketchbook can be fun and is a great way to get to know one another

exquisite corpse/consequences : not a game we can always play, but when we have played it's been really fun so it gets an honorary mention ( look it up if needed, I didn't even know the name and we'd always called it various things like "paper fold game" or "the nonsense character" lmao )

story/option games : now these for us always result in arguing(/affectionate) on what choice to pick, but games like these are also really enjoyable for us and require a lot of communication to do

^ puzzle (games) also

what do you individually like doing? Why not try out each others interests or hobbies! if you don't have any or aren't sure, find some together and see what you enjoy!

and that's just a few activities/games to both get to know each other and in consequence have communication ingrained in them, and personally the best way we've improved our communication is just talking and talking!

Other systems are highly encouraged to add onto this! this is just what we could think of, and have personally tried

Good luck getting to know each other!! ^_^

Also no idea what this is but it was included in the original placeholder draft and.. I've grown fond of it..

‎

Hey, mildly specific positivity post, but...

Throwing some positivity towards systems whose pre-syscovery experience was having a "mean voice" or a cruel "voice of reason" who told you horrible things or parroted what others had told you prior. ...That voice turning out later to be an alter who you now had to learn to work with to stay functional, especially after the traumatic period passed and their role waned in necessity. Positivity to those who used to have multiple of these voices/sides.

So positivity to the alters who were that voice of hostility and then evolved. Positivity to the ones who still act like that. Positivity to the ones trying to get better. Positivity to the ones who aren't trying because they aren't ready or aren't safe yet.

Positivity to the alters who had to bear the brunt of that behavior and have rebuilt that relationship. Positivity to the ones that bore the brunt of that behavior and haven't repaired that relationship. Positivity to the ones trying to make it better and friendlier. Positivity to the ones who can't fix it yet but want to. Positivity to the ones who don't want to make it amiable.

We were maybe a third grader when we could hear an unrelenting, methodical voice that told us we were worthless. It talked to us like a second person, and that voice eventually became Chatter B. We'd taken note of it in a moment of clarity once on how odd it was to hear a voice talk to me so harshly, but not 'as' me. I called her Reason. She was the first.

She's since changed shape and form, even changed name a couple times, seemingly fused with others, fractured again, and became the now meshy orbit of around ~10 we see her as today. But I love ya, [name Redacted], you were an asshole but you kept us alive. Props for that. I'm glad we can move on now that shit's over <3

thinking about you. bad thoughts only

My system is traumagenic. I'm pretty fucking sure. But I hesitate to say that I have a dissociative disorder. Even though I have been seeing a trauma specialist for almost five years now, my system is open with him about our experiences as far as we are comfortable, he acknowledges us individually, he has helped us work together, and he's told us that if we ever do want to see someone who specializes in dissociative disorders (which he is not, he "just" specializes in PTSD) that he would be happy to refer us.

Our decision with regards to my system is that "it is what it is." I don't have a formal diagnosis and I don't want one. The PTSD diagnosis has been enough to get treated. There's a lot of medicolegal bullshit that can happen from having something so severe in your medical record. Unless my system gets to a point where we feel that even more specialized care is something we need, we don't see any medical reason to pursue that. Frankly this is the first therapist that my system has had overall good rapport with and I don't want to switch. Neither does my host.

I also don't see the existence of my system as something that is disordered by necessity. Our collective trauma is the injury that we need to heal from, not our multiplicity. When I think about what I want for my system, I don't see a future where we disappear or become someone else. I see a future where we are all safe and happy.