In The Pilot Jackie Teases Shauna Abt Her “catholic Phase” And To That Shauna Responds That She Liked

Just saw Heretic and it is so right about the inherent horror in questioning your beliefs, in the dawning realization that the people you trusted were lying to you (sometimes, intentionally), and that the quest for truth can feel like a slow descent into the pit.

cannibalized by my own jealousy

Envy consumes like a starving fire, Devouring all that's in its ire, Ripping apart what's not its own, Gnashing teeth, breaking bone.

Claws reach out to grab and shred, Leaving nothing but crimson red, Territorial in its gruesome feast, Not a scrap left for even the beast.

Digesting every ounce of worth, Leaving only an empty dearth, Jealousy spares no part or limb, Tearing apart even the strongest vim.

A monster within, hungry and vile, Feasting on envy, keeping it on trial, Until it has destroyed all in its path, Leaving just a carcass, in aftermath.

Journal Page #3

My dream life

I saw her sitting on the shoreline by the sea collecting small shards of light that sparkled in infinity, tiny twinkles that flickered in my eyes, and set the sweet night sky a light.

Her gown looked like a thin veil of fog with little fireflies floating about shrinking and growing while glowing then blinking out. Her hair was adorned with a fresh multi-colored crown of flowers intertwined with thin shifting vines that seem to be alive.

A cousin to the creatures a buzzing, childlike being with transparent wing fluttering, while thin limbs orchestrated the music mother nature layered, sounds of clicking critters, and rhythmic raindrops, with winds whooshing through the leaves and I could just barely see the silhouette of other fair folk and their family moving in unity, obscured by the beauty of mother nature’s natural graces.

Twas a night of strange delights, and I was drunk with awe from what I saw, until with a panicked thrill I witnessed the night succumbing to the burning sun’s unrelenting hunger as it devoured the eve’s softness and replaced it with heated harshness.

All that was mythic and mystical left and in its stead the mundane came to claim my befuddled mortal brain.

-2023

Art Museum

In halls of wonder, vast and bright,

Where colors swirl and dance in light,

Where walls stretch high and ceilings soar,

And stories whisper through each door.

Each brush stroke whispers of a tale,

As if the canvas begins to exhale,

A hint of passion, a shred of pain,

The artist's soul within each frame.

From abstract splashes to portraits grand,

The beauty of the world at hand,

In every brush stroke, every hue,

A story painted just for you.

With every step, with every breath,

A masterpiece in every depth,

A world of wonder, there to see,

In each exhibited symphony.

So come and wander, lose yourself,

In halls of magic, in halls of health,

For the joy of art is always here,

In every image, every cheer.

she has little moon earrings- i have star clips in my hair. she goes to the local community college and plans on transferring to the major university- im in a sorority and my life is intertwined in the large school's greek life. she's a local- im seven hours away. she grew up on vast expanses of land, caring for life and surrounded by her family's love- i grew up in a cluttered house that sucked the soul out of anyone who dares to enter and every time I go home i lose a little part of myself. she listens- i talk. she calls be pretty and for once, i believe it. she smiles and i laugh in her tiny car and we stare at each other in the lamp light of a small parking lot after missing our desert reservations. she walks me to my car and we both ask if we could kiss each other, our laughter ringing in the air next to the papa john's we had to bathroom break in because we asked at the same time. she hesitates so i pull her in and it isn't rushed or desperate, it's just gentle and full of potential for something beautiful and she cradles my face and my hands are on her hips and we're next to my beat up car. she tastes like the chocolate milkshake from earlier that night and i can only assume i taste of the cigarette i smoked earlier on that she called "hot". she is a middle child and im the eldest and we still talk and she didn't ghost me and oh, I think something beautiful can come out of this.

If I am being truly honest with myself,

When I think realistically about my future, 

I know in my heart I will be alone. 

It’s not that love isn't something I yearn for.

I do. I really do. 

There is this fire in my heart that wants to be put out.

But I know it will always burn.

It’s not that I am incapable of loving. 

At least I hope not. 

It’s just that I can’t really see why anyone would want to deal with loing me.

From what I know, 

Which isn't much, 

Is that love is supposed to be through thick and thin. 

Love is supposed to be filled with little moments,

Like thinking of them while you fall asleep,

Like getting to know every little thing about them.

Love is supposed to be like coming home in their arms. 

And while I feel like I could feel all of those things for someone else, 

I know nobody would feel it for me. 

Who would want to?

They want to love someone interesting. 

Someone happy. 

Someone smart. 

Someone real. 

I’m none of those things. 

No matter how hard I try. 

I hope one day I will get the hang of it. 

Being lovable. 

But I suppose for now, all that is, is a silly, childish dream.  

*

j. sullivan

Mist

Fog rolls out of my heart

I know it is making you cold 

you shouldn’t stay

I have made you hard

I have made you cold

You shouldn't have to suffer because i do 

You don't deserve it

The mist that spills from my nose and mouth is poison

It probably will kill you

Don’t try to stay

I won’t be able to live if you go first

Is that wrong to think about?

I guess i’m guilty of that as well

Its my fault

I should have known

I should have known

I should have

I feel like a whore. 

Used and disgusting. 

Why did I say yes?

I thought it would make me feel better about myself. 

It didn’t.

Why didn’t it?

Why?

I've betrayed God.

And for what?

Some girl I barely know?

(I've known her my whole life.)

She doesn't love me.

I don’t love myself.