A Revival

happy one year to challengers!!!!! the film that somehow I knew would change my life. the feeling of leaving the theater after the first watch was electric. got me into movies for the first time! I was never a big movie person before. also got me back into creative writing which I haven’t done since middle school. also got to meet some of the best, sweetest, funniest, people I have ever met! first fandom where I felt truly welcomed and i just love and appreciate you all so so so so much💗💗💗💗

tashi girl. comments and critiques welcome

The hotel bed creaks every time she moves, which is absolutely not helpful considering just how restless she is. She was sure she’d be better about this, she’d assured you as much, and here she is, tossing and turning. It wouldn’t be so bad if this was just a regular bout of sleeplessness, one where she could whip up some chamomile tea, pop one of those strawberry flavored melatonin gummies she keeps in her medicine cabinet, and find someone warm. Sometimes Lily, if she had to, since Lily worried for her mother like she was the parent. Usually, though, it was you. But tour isn’t allowing for that, and she’s cursing herself for having ever hopped the flight into Atlanta for this. It’s 3 in the morning and Tashi can’t sleep without someone to hold her. She feels pathetic. 

The duvet is making her skin feel like felt, dry and fuzzy against the cotton. She throws them off and they land with a thump in an unceremonious pile, covering the slippers she’d laid out for herself. She reaches over to try and pick it up, but it’s just a bit further than her fingers can stretch, though she feels the fabric graze her nails that tiniest bit. She rolls onto her back with a huff, staring up at the ceiling to distract herself. Her eyes sting with exhaustion, practically begging to be closed. She grabs her phone off the nightstand, momentarily blinded by the digital image of you, her, and Lily, pressed cheek to cheek in some rickety mall photo booth. She stares at it just a little bit longer. Her eyes burn. It’s 3:13 in the morning and Tashi needs to make a phone call before she loses her mind. 

“Tash? You ok?”

“Hey, I just- just wanted to talk to you, that’s all”

This is embarrassing. This is so far below her standards for herself, it’s ridiculous. Sure, it’d be fine if it was you, because you’ve got no reputation to uphold, self-imposed or otherwise. You could do just about anything and she’d be endeared by it, regardless of however put off she’d pretend to be. If she let you realize you had her wrapped around your pretty little finger, she’d lose any and all sense of power in the relationship, regardless of if it was real or not. She’d lost control in just about every other aspect of her life, she couldn’t bear to lose it here. It’s 3:35 in the morning and Tashi is gripping her phone so hard it hurts.

She can hear the smile on your face even if she can’t see it. She can picture it, though, clear as day. She’s got pictures of it just about everywhere so she’ll never forget it, even if she thinks she couldn’t if she tried. She remembers meeting you and thinking that there was no shot in hell for someone like you to go for someone like her. She wasn’t really that old, but with you, she felt it. You hadn’t had years of only being disappointed to make you jaded. She hopes you never do. She’ll shield you from it if she can. You were just too sweet for her, that was the problem. You walked around with that wide, shining smile on your face and she knew she’d hurt you just be reminding you of what life looked like beyond the age of 20. But you’d softened her up that slightest bit, despite it all, because she’s only human. She’d been the one to kiss you first. You smiled up at her afterwards and she knew she was done for. It’s 3:15 in the morning and Tashi is dead set on kissing you deeper than she ever has the next time she can. 

Tashi Duncan does not need. Sure, she feels, she wants, she yearns on occasion. But she doesn’t need anything outside of the basic human necessities of food, water, sleep. She listens to your voice ramble on about some show you’d been watching, one she hadn’t bothered to keep up with outside of your conversations about it, and she feels herself settle that slightest bit. She runs a hand through the roots of her hair, watches as it springs back into place in her peripheral. The tension in her muscles is melting away like it’d been nothing more than an inhalation of air, just something to be released as easily as it came. It’s 3:27 in the morning and Tashi is unaware of when you became a basic human necessity.

She listens to you with a smile, interjects with the occasional ‘mhm’, ‘yeah’, ‘that’s nice, baby’ that’s required of her. She’s hardly listening. You know that, too. But you could hear the stress of a long day floating off with each breath she took, each brief word turning slower, pitch deeper, more relaxed. If your job was just to talk to her until she fell asleep, you’re more than happy to do it. You’d carry her across the desert if she asked you to. She’d do just the same. 

“Hey, Tash? Tashi? You still listening?”

She’s been quiet too long now, face nuzzled into the thin pillow beneath her. It’s a little too cold without your skin on hers, but she can make do for now. She has a piece of you close, at least, and she can manage with just that much. She hears your laugh, your sigh, your little ‘I love you, baby. Sleep well.’ She doesn’t hear the harsh beep of an ended phone call. She’d usually roll her eyes at the sheer cliche of falling asleep on the phone, but they’ve already closed. And maybe, just maybe, she’s glad that you took the initiative so she didn’t have to ask for it. It’s 3:56 in the morning and Tashi is sure she’s going to marry you someday.

what is wrong with you

connor murphy perchance with a cheerleader reader who secretly has the same struggles and they bond over that if not them js getting high together and they confess

french exchange student reader with ATP maybe new kid in the academy or player against Tashi, wanting to get all close!!!

hiiii!!! i loved your requests so much. here’s the connor one first 🤭 umm also im sorry i kind of went overboard and felt angsty… don’t hate me

tw: depression, suicide

—

the thing about being a cheerleader is that people assume you’re always happy.

like glitter and pom-poms are a substitute for serotonin. like cartwheels and short skirts cancel out the quiet panic that curls into your ribs at 3am.

but you know better.

and so does he.

connor murphy sits like a shadow at the edge of the world (or at least the school parking lot), head down, eyes daring anyone to look at him too long. you don’t mean to sit next to him. it just happens. like gravity. or like bad decisions.

he looks over, slow and suspicious.

you offer a half-smile and a joint.

“world’s ending,” you say, as explanation.

he shrugs. “cool.“

you pass the joint back and forth like a secret. like a lifeline. smoke curls around you both, and the silence between you shifts from awkward to gentle.

“you don’t seem like the type, you know,” he says finally.

you raise an eyebrow.

“to sit on the ground with me. and do drugs. and not cry about it.”

you laugh. “give it time.”

when the stars come out, you’re still there. his head tilted back, yours resting against his shoulder in a way that feels accidentally on purpose. you tell him things. not the big things—just breadcrumbs. like how you hate pep rallies. how you once cried during halftime. how you wish you could just… not be this person.

he blinks. slow, languid. “same.”

and it’s stupid. and sweet. and kind of sad. and it’s the first time you feel understood in forever.

“hey,” you say softly, voice barely louder than the wind.

he turns to look at you, like the moon’s caught in his eyes.

“i think i’m gonna like you.”

a pause.

“yeah?”

“yeah.”

“okay. good. me too. but like… don’t tell anyone. i have a reputation to uphold. i’m pretty popular.”

you grin. “oh yeah?”

“oh yeah.”

the joint burns out. the night drips quietly on.

—

you start seeing him more. not on purpose, at first. just… by coincidence. or fate. or whatever cosmic joke put the angriest boy in school and the sparkliest girl in the same orbit.

at lunch, you start sitting near each other. not at the same table, not yet. just close enough for the air to feel familiar. for a certain electricity to linger.

he nods at you. you nod back.

it’s stupid. it means everything.

eventually, he lets you into his world. little pieces at a time.

like how his mom keeps pushing therapy schedules into his hands like they’re birthday gifts. how his dad barely speaks unless it’s disappointment wearing a polo.

how his little sister, zoe, plays four instruments, volunteers at a vet clinic, and still finds time to win at everything.

“they love her,” he says, exhaling smoke out the passenger window. “like, it’s easy. natural. with me, it’s like—i have to earn it. and even when i do… it’s not enough.”

you don’t say anything at first. you just reach over and squeeze his sleeve.

later, you say, “my mom makes me smile in photos even when i’ve just had a panic attack.”

and he looks at you like you’re the only real thing in the whole fucking world.

you hang out on rooftops. in empty stairwells. behind the bleachers, where the grass is too long and the world feels far away. you skip class sometimes. not together, but somehow you both end up in the same hallway, sprawled out on the floor like fallen angels.

one day, he mutters, “i’m supposed to be this freak. the scary one. i hear what they say. maybe they’re right.”

you tilt your head. “do you want to be?”

he hesitates. “not always. not really.”

“then don’t be. be whatever you want with me.”

he stares at you like he’s waiting for the punchline. it doesn’t come. just your hand brushing against his. just the ache of being seen.

he starts texting you. a lot.

everything felt perfect. a perfect friendship, a perfect maybe-more-than-friendship.

until it finally snaps.

you’re curled up together in the backseat of his car, parked under the old oak trees near the edge of town where the stars don’t have to compete with streetlights. the blunt burns slow between you, smoke curling like a lullaby.

he’s lying with his head in your lap, eyes half-lidded, mouth a soft line.

“do you ever feel,” he says, “like you were made for sadness?”

you comb your fingers through his hair. “maybe. but then you happened. and now i think i was made for you.”

he looks up at you, eyes glassy but focused. his lips twitch into something that’s almost a smile.

you expect a joke. a typical connor deflection. something sarcastic to break the tense moment.

instead, he says, “i love you.”

quiet. like it’s the first true thing he’s ever said.

your heart stutters. the world stills.

you whisper, “i love you too.”

and for a moment—just a moment—it feels like everything might be okay. like the universe hit pause on the bad parts and gave you this night, this breath, this boy who sees you like no one else does.

he kisses you, and it’s slow, deep. his lips taste like weed and that raspberry slurpee he’s always got and something saltier—regret, maybe, or all the things he can’t say out loud.

his hand moves to your cheek, unsure, like he’s checking if you’re real.

you are. you lean into him like gravity’s made of need.

your fingers curl in the fabric of his hoodie, pulling him closer—not desperate, just aching.

the kiss deepens a little. not fast. just fuller. like an exhale you’ve both been holding since the first time you looked at each other and didn’t look away.

you fall asleep with your head on his chest, dreaming of maybe.

—

friday, no text.

saturday, nothing.

you send a stupid tiktok. no reply.

you try calling. voicemail.

you tell yourself he’s just spiraling. that he does this sometimes.

but not like this. never this quiet.

by monday, he’s not in school. you wait by your locker. you wait in the usual hallway. you check the parking lot.

his car isn’t there.

your texts pile up.

you start asking people. zoe doesn’t answer her phone. neither does his mom.

your chest feels like it’s collapsing in on itself.

you hear whispers in the hallways. an ambulance? a body found?

no.

he could be fine. he could be in the hospital. he could be anywhere. he could be—

you call again. straight to voicemail.

you leave one more message.

voice shaking.

tears falling.

“connor. please. i love you. you said you loved me too. you promised.”

—

eventually it’s confirmed, a monotone, grim announcement over the intercom.

a hushed assembly.

teachers blinking back tears they never showed him in life. posters about mental health taped crooked on hallway walls. a vigil with candles that don’t stop anything from hurting.

no one knows he kissed you like he was saying goodbye. no one knows you held him the night before. no one knows he said he loved you with the stars watching.

and now he’s gone, and you can’t say any of it without sounding insane.

you’re back in uniform the next week.

lip gloss. ponytail. fake smile stretched like skin too thin.

people pat your shoulder. say vague, hollow things like

“wasn’t he that angry kid?”

or

“i didn’t know you even talked to him.”

and you nod. and you smile.

and inside, something is rotting.

you go through the motions like a ghost trapped in the wrong body.

pep rallies feel like static. he was the only one who knew you hated them.

your bedroom walls are too quiet.

his last voicemail is still saved on your phone,

but you can’t listen to it anymore

because his voice feels like a knife now.

you try to tell your mom you’re sad. she tells you to take a bath.

you try to tell your friends you feel like you’re drowning. they say, “we miss him too,” but their voices don’t crack the same way yours does.

that’s because they don’t know. they don’t know you loved him. they don’t know he loved you.

they don’t know that when he died, he took something from you you’ll never get back.

and now you’re stuck.

stuck in this glitter-drenched version of yourself that doesn’t fit anymore.

stuck cheering for teams you don’t care about.

stuck pretending your heart didn’t break in the backseat of his car.

stuck waiting for a text that will never come.

you still walk past that same hallway you always met in. you still glance toward the parking lot.

still half-expect to see him there, hood up, eyes tired, mouth already half-smirking at something only you would understand.

but he’s not. and the worst part?

no one noticed he was your whole world.

and now you’re expected to keep spinning.

taglist of my connor friends

@matchpointfaist @ellaynaonsaturn @elliotlovesmacncheese @newrochellechallenger2019

Hello beautiful women in my phone

i expect mine to be described like this every time without fail or its a hate crime. we do not need more hate crimes in trump's america

his evil sad wet bisexual eyes

Zendaya for On: Zone Dreamers

Need mike to do one of those whats in my bag videos

😭😭 literally. get him on vogue’s in the bag NOW

three celebrities that aren't dead:

michael jackson

talia asheepinfrance

someone else probably

Wish I could tell them that everybodys got a thing

challengers x sing

innocence sharpened to a blade — the quiet cruelty of being underestimated — a whisper that rewrites the room

elegance born from exhaustion — the quiet choreography of self-sacrifice — strength mistaken for serenity

fury knotted behind the ribs — longing that forgets how to ask — devotion that tastes like blood

thank you @asheepinfrance @diyasgarden @blastzachilles!

Can't Be That Bad

aka patrick gets a taste of his own medicine

an: based on a convo with @artstennisracket we had a while back. this is kinda short and silly but i felt like getting something small out while i try and source my energy into another bigger thing ill write tomorrow or sunday.

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You lay on your side, curling in on yourself tighter, tighter, tighter still till there was no closer you could get to your own insides without popping. Knees to chest, chin to knees, arms wrapped around your bare legs like the ribbon atop a gift, holding things in place until the long-awaited relief of getting the product you want. The ache was dull, deep beneath your skin, festering like a wound, and it was sharp at the same time. Sharp, thudding, pulsating, echoing. Reverberating off the walls of your abdomen until it hits each piece of flesh within you, a muscular soreness that spreads where it shouldn’t. Even the expansion of your lungs with much needed oxygen seemed to hurt, the sharp feeling widening, pulling, growing taller with your chest, then shorter with exhale. It made your voice come out funny, shaky, like a sickly child. Patrick looked down at you from his place standing, which he so aggravatingly gets the continuous capacity to do, at the dresser, naked from the waist down. Why he would ever dress himself shirt first is beyond you, but if he ever changed his routine, you’d think the world was freezing over. The words come out muffled behind the cotton of the white tee he’s pulling over his head, but they’re there all the same.

“Seriously, babe. It can’t be that bad.”

And your body which once felt like it was heated by an internal coal furnace has suddenly frozen over. You must be glaring, not even with intention, because he briefly raises his hands to his shoulders as if to call for mercy. That smug little boy of an adult man can’t even bother to verbally apologize, but then again, you can’t verbally respond. You’re still heaving for air like you’d run a marathon. 

“Like, I’m sure it sucks, yeah, but… can’t you just, like, tough it out? Trust me, I’ve been hit in the stomach with a tennis ball, like, more times than I can count, so I think we’re both even, anyway.”

He’s putting on his pants now, boxers having been slipped on somewhere distant, hazy and blurred through your simmering anger. If looks could kill, the sheepish smile he sends you while buttoning his jeans up tells you that he’d have died a painful death about a minute ago. He makes up for it, momentarily, by striding to your side of the bed, leaning over to press a kiss to your damp hairline, your eyes sliding shut like he’d connected his lips to yours. It’s salty and gross. You know it’s gross, you know he thinks it’s gross, but he doesn’t mention it. 

“Left you some meds on the nightstand, kay? I’ll be back later.”

It’s a little ‘I love you’ without the heavy weight of actually saying it. He’s got a little stubble on his cheeks, he last shaved three days ago. You know this because he does. It’s one of very few things that Patrick is consistent about. Call it vain, but he likes to keep his appearances up as best he can. If the world is going to see him panting and sweaty most of the time, he better have a clean face doing it, even if flushed red from exhaustion. He left the room before you had the chance to meet his gaze without any annoyance, and you sigh, slowly straighten out each bend and curve of your bed until you’re on your back. He’s an idiot. It is that bad, and no tennis ball to the gut, eye, or crotch is ever going to change the fact that your entire body is beating like each cell was a little heart all its own. You’d seen so much red that the room now looks like it’s made up of mottled shades of gray. He’s an idiot. But, then again, he doesn’t have to be.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Jesus fucking Christ!”

He hisses through his teeth, eyes screwed shut like he’s bracing himself for impact, more accurately, like he’d already been hit. Badly. He’s certainly behaving as if that were the case. The dial in your hand reads an embarrassingly small number: 5. A 5 out of the possible 10 levels, and he’s practically writhing around against the plush cushions of your couch. You almost feel bad about it, almost, considering you’re only standing over him, watching with sinister glee, because of those painkillers he so kindly supplied. However, your friend had lent you the actual cramp simulator, and only one of those things is actively teaching Patrick he’s a dumbass. You’ll have to Venmo your friend something letter, just for an accurate measurement of gratitude.

“Aw, come on, P. Man up!”

He’s gripping his stomach like he wants to pull it off and suddenly things are less fun, your thumb twitching over the dial, until he looks back up at you and tries to steel himself. Emphasis on ‘tries’, because all he really does is grimace. You turn the dial to 8. 

“Fucking- Just turn it off, please!”

“Why? Can’t be that bad.”

He raises a hand to give you quite possibly the most pathetic middle finger you’ve ever seen, all wobbly and brief, like one of an elementary schooler believing themselves to be rebellious. His entire body is twitching, like it no longer knows what to do with itself from the sheer amount of sensory input. The overflow of pain signals. A civil war in his body, and one that you’re controlling. He looks like he might cry if he’d let himself do so without believing it to be embarrassing, which he won’t. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to, though. You slide the dial back to 0. 

“ ‘M sorry.”

You grin, kneeling between his bent legs to pull the adhesive pads from his stomach, feigning ignorance. 

“What was that?”

“I said I’m sorry, you evil-”

He cuts himself off, shakes his head. Meh. Not worth it. If that’s what he felt like upon waking up, he’d be evil, too. You’re well within your right. You place a kiss to his knee, which bounces in place. Still on high alert, even when there’s nothing to be scared of anymore. Besides pissing you off, maybe. You left him water and Advil on the coffee table beforehand, just in case. A small ‘I love you’ without verbally saying it. ‘I love you, even if you’re so, so painfully dumb.’ Patrick Zweig was an idiot. It can be that bad. He knows this because you do.