Every Other Friday, Joyce Brings Home A Roll Of Film From Melvald’s.

Every other Friday, Joyce brings home a roll of film from Melvald’s.

She’s done it since Jonathan was eight. Fridays are her payday, and, before Lonny can spend away all their money on whatever he’s trying to drown himself in that week, Joyce buys groceries, a pack of cigarettes for herself, and a roll of film for Jonathan.

He goes through the stuff like fire in a forest, and even though it’s expensive, she never complains about the cost. He’s quiet, her firstborn, quiet in a way that isn’t quite natural for boys his age. He’s quiet, and he looks at the world with suspicion and fear. He’s already learned to be wary, to have caution at any kindness, and if Joyce lets herself think about it too much, she ends up crying. 

So she doesn’t think about it. She doesn’t think about how she should shove Lonny out the door. She doesn’t think about how much better it would be for her children if their father was gone, even if it would be scarier for her. Joyce just buys more film, because the only time Jonathan isn’t on guard is when he’s behind a camera, and he deserves a few moments of peace in the week. 

It’s the least she can do for continuing to trap them in a terrible situation. 

But Joyce stopped giving him film when they came to California. She stopped because Jonathan doesn’t carry his camera anymore. She isn’t even sure he unpacked it. His fingers still move like he’s looking for it, and she can see him lining up shots in his head. But no camera ever emerges, and Jonathan stops having moments where he’s relaxed. 

Joyce doesn’t want to worry, because Jonathan seems to be relaxed all the time. He’s always walking around with an easy sway to his shoulders, and a funny, but sweet, best friend at his side. That’s good, isn't it? Isn’t this why she moved them away? 

But something about it feels wrong. Something feels like he’s still hiding, but in a new way. She wants to ask why. Why is he acting so strangely? Why would he stop? Why doesn’t he want to go to NYU anymore? 

Why is Jonathan giving up on his dreams?

But Joyce can’t find the words, so she doesn’t ask. It’s already so hard, and if he’s okay, then it’s okay. Even if something inside tells her it really really isn't. 

But she continues to buy a new roll every other Friday, carefully stacking them on the shelf in her closet for when her son finds himself again.