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Knowing two autistics with such vastly different needs is a real mind trip.

One works full-time, can make small talk (although she really struggles), can shop and go out (she hates it though and needs lots of notice), talks "normal", interacts and understands people with only limited troubles.

Then, the other one has to use AAC at times, makes no facial expressions, and if they do talk it's monotone, can't hold a conversation without extreme exhaustion, has frequent shutdowns and loathes her difficulties. She stims and self-harms.

The fact that they're both me, is what people don't realise.

Don't assume autistic needs based on the brief mask they present you.

The blue amongst the mountains - Iceland

Having only recently realized as a 21 year old that I definitely have autism, I’m gonna make a list of all the things I thought were just me being weird or even that I thought everyone also did but were actually symptoms like omfg.

This is obviously a list of my own personal experiences and also kind of just for me to get it out there, but please feel free to reblog or reply with yours if you’re also coming to realization later in life!! 💞

1. AUDITORY PROCESSING DISORDER!! This was the tipping point for me realizing. I always thought I was just hard of hearing but nope!!! I can remember being 16 and trying to explain this to my old psychiatrist as everyone “sounding like they’re speaking simlish” which obviously fans of The Sims know is just gibberish, but she was interpreting it as me just knowing a whole other defined language 🤦🏻‍♀️ Which actually brings me to my next point…

2. Trying to explain things to people in a way that totally makes sense to me but barely anyone seems to understand what I’m trying to say. Like the words are wrong I guess, but they’re the only ones I can think of so I get seriously stumped. And then I try to correct myself but after two attempts and the person is still not getting it I just give up. Then there’s the even worse side of this where I’m just talking or making a joke but then my mom gets mad at me because I’m being “rude” but I don’t understand why. I’m not sure if I just wasn’t conveying my intentions properly or if I did actually say something rude and I just don’t know it. This fear has caused me to have really bad anxiety.

3. Asking someone a question but they don’t answer “the right way” so you just ask them again (and sometimes several more times). But not always right away and also you don’t always realize you’re asking again.

4. Thinking of how much mental and physical effort it takes to speak and becoming so extremely overwhelmed by it that you just remain silent, sometimes not by choice

5. In conversations with others and you’re spending the whole time formulating in your head what the “normal” response is rather than just naturally responding

6. ALWAYS GODDAMN BOUNCING MY LEG, tapping my foot, moving my arms, playing with my hair (a big one for movement and also touch stim), wiggling my toes (if I’m trying to be descreet), or just simply moving literally all of the time. I always thought I was just antsy but no. I cannot stop, I always have to be moving. People look at me weird.

7. Loud noises scaring me more than they should. The most prominent time I remember was getting so extremely scared to the point of tears every single time I’m at a parade and the fire trucks come by with ALL of their sirens on. Still to this very day. Even just hearing sirens close to me gives me anxiety it’s so loud

8. Total inability to retain focus on things. And actually I’ve known I have ADD for a few years but I didn’t think it was more than that.

9. If someone says something and the way they said it had a lovely cadence or it was just said funny or interestingly, I immedietly just repeat it in the same tone and pace without even thinking. It’s not even to make fun of someone, I just thought it sounded cool, but sometimes people get offended ://

Surrendering to Despair

I think people need to learn that managing tasks on our own is a task in itself

"Put it in a diary" thats a task

"Use this app!" thats a task

"Make a list" thats also a task

Its why we start great with it but then stop after a while

what it’s like to learn that you’re autistic as an adult.

“im a seed

and i’ve been sowed on to sand.

my whole life i’m raised as a crop seed, like my friends and family. so that’s what i believe i am.

but i can see them growing, and im still just a seed.

i just don’t fit in.

i wonder whats was wrong with me.

i start to think maybe i’m a bad seed, not meant to be successful.

When i turned 18 i was pulled into the ocean by the tide.

i’m panicking because i know i can’t survive out here alone. no one prepared me for this.

i get to the bottom of the ocean.

i realize this is reality. there’s nothing i can do about it. this is just adulthood.

i start to sprout.

the only way this is possible is if im actually a sea plant. but there’s no way. my parents would have told me.

but i never was a crop seed.

i’ve always been sea weed.

i start to grow.

and i realize there was never anything wrong with me.

so now i know who i am, and i can live the rest of my life. happily, a sea weed.”

i love you autistics who can't control their volume . i love you autistics who struggled with/never understood "inside voice" . i love you autistics that yell to communicate their wants and needs . i love you autistics that stim loudly . i love you autistics who make noise .

we are loved . we deserve to be heard and accommodated for .

realized something recently. I don’t have to shame and blame myself for my reactions to trauma / trauma responses. These are things I really don’t have much control over. I also don’t need to shame and blame others for provoking or triggering these responses / reactions to trauma that they don’t really understand. Honestly, the long and short of it is that trauma is SUPER confusing, and if I don’t understand my own issues the likelihood that someone else understands them is super low. While it’s not anybody’s FAULT that these reactions and responses exist and are getting triggered, it is MY RESPONSIBILITY to learn how to heal, both for myself and the people around me, so that we ALL experience less distress stemming from this trauma that we ultimately can’t really control.

To rephrase, like, when I start having a trauma response, how I behave is my responsibility, but how I’m thinking and how I’m feeling internally starts to become more and more out of control of “adult me.” It starts to be handled by “traumatized child me.” This situation is not my fault, nor is it the fault of the person who triggered the response. However, it poses difficulties for both of us, and it’s my responsibility to try to heal and allow adult me to stay in control and handle things, in order to lessen the difficulties for everyone.