Falling Through Dreams.

i love you autistics that are picky eaters. i love you autistics that dont eat vegetables. i love you autistics that dont eat foods because of the color or texture. i love you autistics who have to take vitamins because their safe/same foods dont provide enough nutrients. i love you autistics who have to look at the menu ahead of time before they go somewhere to make sure there is safe/same foods.

I never know when to look away

what it’s like to learn that you’re autistic as an adult.

“im a seed

and i’ve been sowed on to sand.

my whole life i’m raised as a crop seed, like my friends and family. so that’s what i believe i am.

but i can see them growing, and im still just a seed.

i just don’t fit in.

i wonder whats was wrong with me.

i start to think maybe i’m a bad seed, not meant to be successful.

When i turned 18 i was pulled into the ocean by the tide.

i’m panicking because i know i can’t survive out here alone. no one prepared me for this.

i get to the bottom of the ocean.

i realize this is reality. there’s nothing i can do about it. this is just adulthood.

i start to sprout.

the only way this is possible is if im actually a sea plant. but there’s no way. my parents would have told me.

but i never was a crop seed.

i’ve always been sea weed.

i start to grow.

and i realize there was never anything wrong with me.

so now i know who i am, and i can live the rest of my life. happily, a sea weed.”

A. Presence of obsessions, compulsions, or both: Obsessions are defined by (1) and (2):

Recurrent and persistent thoughts, urges, or images that are experienced, at some time during the disturbance, as intrusive and unwanted, and that in most individuals cause marked anxiety or distress.

The individual attempts to ignore or suppress such thoughts, urges, or images, or to neutralize them with some other thought or action (i.e., by performing a compulsion). Compulsions are defined by (1) and (2):

Repetitive behaviors (e.g., hand washing, ordering, checking) or mental acts (e.g., praying, counting, repeating words silently) that the individual feels driven to per- form in response to an obsession or according to rules that must be applied rigidly.

The behaviors or mental acts are aimed at preventing or reducing anxiety or dis- tress, or preventing some dreaded event or situation; however, these behaviors or mental acts are not connected in a realistic way with what they are designed to neu- tralize or prevent, or are clearly excessive. Note: Young children may not be able to articulate the aims of these behaviors or mental acts.

You don’t need to go into a spiral every time you have your intrusive thoughts. You don’t need to spend time feeling guilty and bad about them to be a good person.

Honestly, it got easier to ignore my intrusive thought when I reacted neutrally to them. When I’d get one and go “oh, you’re an intrusive thought”. It allowed me to roll my eyes at it and move on.

Where spending time feeling bad about them because I thought I needed to feel bad about them to still be a good person just got me stuck in them. It left the thoughts happening for longer and more intensely for me. It was also more distressing to me.

You don’t need to feel guilt for your intrusive thoughts. It’s okay to just move on and carry on with your life. They don’t define you.

giving into your compulsions does not make you a bad person or irredeemable. it does not mean that it was right about you. this is an illness. you can start again

realized something recently. I don’t have to shame and blame myself for my reactions to trauma / trauma responses. These are things I really don’t have much control over. I also don’t need to shame and blame others for provoking or triggering these responses / reactions to trauma that they don’t really understand. Honestly, the long and short of it is that trauma is SUPER confusing, and if I don’t understand my own issues the likelihood that someone else understands them is super low. While it’s not anybody’s FAULT that these reactions and responses exist and are getting triggered, it is MY RESPONSIBILITY to learn how to heal, both for myself and the people around me, so that we ALL experience less distress stemming from this trauma that we ultimately can’t really control.

To rephrase, like, when I start having a trauma response, how I behave is my responsibility, but how I’m thinking and how I’m feeling internally starts to become more and more out of control of “adult me.” It starts to be handled by “traumatized child me.” This situation is not my fault, nor is it the fault of the person who triggered the response. However, it poses difficulties for both of us, and it’s my responsibility to try to heal and allow adult me to stay in control and handle things, in order to lessen the difficulties for everyone.