Henry VIII - Blog Posts

Arthur: Well, I've been around for quite a while, so take your pick. Henry VIII, the Mona Lisa in Fontainebleau, various religious reformations... -Elizabeth the first, the Black Plague, the Spanish Armada attack, colonization of America, the civil war, the loss of the American colonies, Mozart, Beethoven, war, war, war, Queen Victoria... Alfred: Basically, Artie's old. Arthur: Hey! Alfred: But lemme tell you kids about the 1960's! Arthur: -_- Let's not...

LOL.

*in the Tudor court*

Henry VIII: what’s going on guys

Thomas Cromwell: Henry

Thomas Cromwell: This is an intervention

Thomas Cromwell: you NEED to stop chopping peoples heads off

Henry VIII: *chopping off boleyns head* what are you talking about?

Thomas Cromwell: Henry!

Henry VIII, getting ready to chop off Cromwell’s head: what?

Thomas Cromwell: HENRY!

i have exams coming up and yet i've been so engrossed in online quizzes like why are they so addictive? How did i go from which music album suits me best, to which henry viii wife i am?

you: henry viii

me, an intellectual: henry ii

I LOATHE how The Tudors (2007-2010) portrayed women. All women. The objectifiation and hypersexuality was disgusting, they were shown as overly emotional beings (not living souls) and every single one of them left room for vilanization while almost all men --evil or not--had their redemption arc and manipulated the audience emotionally to love all of them (even the rapists, the hypocrites; the greedy; the abusers).

Anyways, the actresses were beautiful, breath-takingly gorgeous actually. I love the six wives ⁎⋆๛✵ and I believe that Henry VIII has a special place in hell.

The "Lucky" One

In Tudor court, a king of might and dread,

Henry the Eighth, his power vast and grand,

His subjects trembled when he lost his head,

Each wife he wed, they met a gruesome end.

The whispers in the palace corridors,

Of plots and schemes that haunt each noble's mind,

Fear grips the heart, as danger still endures,

In the pursuit of power, none are kind.

The executions carried out with speed,

No mercy shown to those who dare defy,

The fear of wrath, a burden to concede,

In Henry's court, where truth and lies collide.

So let us heed the lessons of the past,

And pray that fear and tyranny won't last.

I’m supposed to write a paper on the Protestant Revolution and Catholic Counter-Reformation.  Somehow my notes turned into this.  It’s probably blasphemy and whatever the historical equivalent is.  I’m not sorry.

Life beyond Henry VIII

Christina of Denmark, most famous for sassily rebuffing Henry VIII’s proposal of marriage by saying she’d only marry him if she had TWO heads, lived as interesting a life as any of the Tudors.

Her father Christian II of Denmark was so hated in that country that history now calls him “Christian the Tyrant”. He was overthrown by his own uncle and exiled to the Netherlands, then ruled by his brother-in-law, the Holy Roman Emperor Charles V.  

Christina grew up an exiled princess without a kingdom, the daughter of a black mark on European royalty. 

She married young and was widowed soon after.

Her cousin was Philip II, who later married Mary Tudor...then Elisabeth de Valois (the French princess)...then his niece Anna of Austria...

Christina actually met Mary Tudor, who was jealous of Christina’s closeness to Philip, a closeness her own marriage to the Spanish prince and future king was lacking.

After refusing to marry Henry VIII, Christina married the Duke of Lorraine and had several children with him, including Charles III. Her husband died after four years of marriage, leaving Christina to fight with the other nobles over the regency for young Charles. Christina won the regency...and then lost it. But she wasn’t going to give up without a fight, not even when France invaded the duchy of Lorraine and demanded that Christina hand young Charles over to the French king, Henri II, to raise in France. 

She went to King Henri in person to beg him not to separate her from her son, but he wouldn’t relent and took her son anyway. Charles would later marry Henri’s daughter Claude in one of the few happy and loving marriages in the Valois family history. Charles and Claude later named one of their daughters after Christina.

Also, Henry VIII wasn’t the only person Christina turned down. She also turned down one of Mary Queen of Scot’s uncles, a member of the Guise clan. She blamed the Guise for Henri’s invasion of Lorraine. 

Funnily enough, Charles wasn’t the only member of his family to marry into the Valois family. Charles’s cousin Louise married Henri de Valois, known in history as King Henri III...aka, the possibly gay French king...(who history buffs on Tumblr should embrace as their bisexual goth problematic fave, just saying). 

According to writer Brantome, Christina also met Mary Queen of Scots after the young queen was widowed by her beloved, the young King Francis II. Mary’s uncle warned her ahead of time about Christina’s theatrical antics and her need to be the center of attention, behavior the Guise party found both annoying and amusing. I wonder what Christina would have thought of the Scottish queen, daughter of ANOTHER woman who turned down Henry VIII with a sick burn. 

Christina may not have attended her son Charles’ wedding to the Princess Claude, but she did attend the coronation of the new king of France, ten-year-old Charles IX...who could barely keep his large crown still on his little head. Brantome wrote that Christina showed up in her finest velvet gown with a carriage drawn by Turkish horses (her favorite type of horses). When she arrived in this pomp and splendor, even Catherine de Medici remarked: “There’s a proud woman!” 

Christina tried to offer every piece of advice to her son Charles while he was Duke of Lorraine, while her daughter-in-law Claude listened to her mother’s every advice on what to do with Lorraine. The poor couple probably never caught a break from two very nosy and very opinionated mothers and mothers-in-law. 

It’s a pity that Reign never mentioned Lorraine, or Christina, her son, and tons of other colorful personalities from France during the 1550s and 1560s. I feel like the writers would have had so much fun featuring a sassy smack down between Catherine de Medici and Christina of Denmark. 

Reign really failed to show how important the Guise family was to Mary. There’s a whole goldmine of storylines from history that the show sadly skipped over.

How would you even go about using that thing properly? It doesn’t look very practical. 

Of course Henry had one. Would you expect anything less at this point?

Henry VIII’s bizarre mace pistol,

A very bizarre weapon, this is a mace with three pistol barrels located in the mace head.  A matchlock firearm, it was discharged by touching a burning slow match to a touch hole.  Most interestingly one was owned by Henry VIII King of England, who would carry it while walking the streets of London at night.  He did this to check that his constables were doing their duty.  One night they were, and he was arrested and jailed for suspicious activities, as he was carrying a huge mace gun on him at the time.  When his identity was revealed, the constables feared they would be executed, after all Henry was known for having people executed.  However they were rewarded with a stipend of 23 pounds for their vigilance.

Henry VIII’s mace is currently a part of the Royal Armouries Collection

Ex Wives

Divorced💛

Beheaded💚

Died💀

Divorced❤

Beheaded💗

Survived💎