Begin Again - Blog Posts

There are endings, and there are endings. 

-

It was snowing, I think, that last day. Snowing the way it hadn’t yet, that year. 

The thing with snow:

It wipes away everything you’ve left behind, 

Buries it, 

like a pirate burying hoarded gold. 

We lay down our half-finished hopes, the midnight musings we’d  incanted into streetlight-lit hollowness. 

Hello! we cried. We are here. We are

Here, 

Like footprints in the mud and the branches of a fallen tree jutting up from the ground, we are

Here. 

There was moonlight, stealing away our

whispers 

like the wind borrows secrets, 

like a faerie steals a child. 

-

Count down from five, love. 

The snow is falling, and the stars are bright, and

the moon is listening. 

Count down from five—

promise me you’ll remember this is not the

ending it seems to be. 

-

—this is what it means to begin (y.c.)

Leonard Cohen, Beautiful Losers

• You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start over where you are and change the ending •

C.S.Lewis

One of my favourite movie of all time!

Begin Again (2013), dir. John Carney

Our Love Has More Power

When your emails

Got replaced with college’s attempting to get in my league

You were my first home run

You got me in the sweet spot at the right time

Classroom peeking

Our love has more power over us than the authorities do

No police can keep us safe

No jailers will ever get a piece of our lonely hearts

Should I begin this over again?

I wouldn’t mind someone who was big and cozy

You are boney and nosey

Should I go through?

When you jokingly say

That sitting next to you in the cafe is my favorite part of the day

Should I continue?

Watching my future heart die

I'm not sure I'm ready to let it retry

Or should I stay open and ready,

For my knight in shining armor?

The one who will charm her

Should I start this all over?

Just for another taste of happiness that’s so sweet

Knowing the end will hurt more than it does now; Raw endings are not something I want to meet

I couldn’t be normal for you

It’s not allowed with me

But someday we will escape

And we shall be the idiots that we didn’t get to be

I'm not afraid to lose myself

I know you will always find me

Let’s add insult to injury to all the authorities of our life

They deserve it

I wrote this 5 years ago, and don't remember it. I am confident enough today to share during the anniversary of my NDE:

Last year, my relationship with reality and time changed when I had a near death experience. There is no handbook to help navigate and ease me into the transition, and however tactful the spiritual leaders who guide or have guided me try to be, there is raw truth that surrounds the perceptions i encounter. There is a particular undeniable element to the visions, much like intuition but a stronger knowing backed up by irrefutable sensory evidence.

Then there's knowing higher beings.

The compassion and love surrounding me from the angels and my guides protects me from most ramifications of exposure. No words can express the gratitude for my salvation.. and yet the nature of what I have experienced has been quite maddening.

And madness came when. I felt the heavy weighted cloak of sadness upon my soul. I realized the damage that had been done under my unknowing subservience to malevolent forces.

I am healing. I am regaining control of my consciousness. I am practicing discipline and acceptance that there is. No. Easy. Way. Through. This.

No shrink or shaman or act of man will be able to heal the wounds that linger. I am at God's mercy alone, may my heart and mind be guarded steadfastly.