#sickandtired! Of Hallucinations

Things my cluster b folks understand that others (probably) don’t

Unable to love someone and be mad at them at the same time. Anger automatically equals hate. I’m angry at you, I hate you. I’m not mad anymore, I’m done hating you.

Several months of psychologically damaging social isolation followed by one shallow, purely transactional friendship you’ll purposely torch into flames at the first sign of a reason.

All the hindsight in the world and almost no foresight.

When someone insults you so now your whole identity is ruined and you have to discard that one in favor of building another

Being so irritable for no reason. You just start getting angry at strangers for existing in your vicinity, and your personal space gets multiplied by ♾️ Now everyone feels way too close even when they’re nowhere near you.

Being totally convinced others are using you based solely upon how many things you didn’t want to do but agreed to anyway because you forgot you have feelings and needs

Raise the bar so high that you don’t have friends, get so lonely that you just straight up get rid of the bar and have no standards, get hurt, raise your standards exceptionally high to prevent yourself from letting anyone near you again. But now you’re lonely… so you get rid of the bar-

Moving on from everything really fast. Emotions last seconds, minutes, a couple hours. Even largely complex, traumatic emotions like grief and mortal fear. It’s Tuesday, the end of all that’s alive, and then it’s still Tuesday.

Always craving some specific form of emotional void-fill. You don’t know what you need, but you do know it’s never anything you obtain. “I’m so goddamn thirsty, but all this water I’m surrounded by has no effect no matter how much I drink.”

Every want and need has to be a dilemma for some reason. Because being on the same page with yourself is just illegal for us. Love me, hate me, want me, and leave me alone. Yes, all at once. You physically can’t? Well, shit. Screw everything, then.

bpd culture is obsessively thinking about things that upset you even when you try not to

.

they hate me cause im a female man

"noo I can't do that, people are going to think I'm self centred and annoying :(" I say while being the most self centred and annoying person to ever

what? nothing’s wrong with me. i mean, sure i fantasize about murdering anyone who has any kind of negative interaction with me ever, but like, i’m fine.

"i didn't like it" and "I think it wasn't well written" are different. i can personally dislike things that are not bad and i am being so brave about it

The solo lines during the hotel rebuild in Finale are actually so fucking impactful though.

Niffty: "to build a hotel" - Niffty is the person brought in to maintain what was there; now she's actively working to build something new for all of them. She's not looking at the rubble and seeing a mess that needs to be cleaned up. She's looking at it and seeing something to create with her friends.

Angel Dust: "start with foundation" - Angel was the hotel's first patron; he was really the foundation of it all. Angel's progress is what's been keeping Charlie's dream steady this whole time. Watching him grow has been reassuring her that she's doing something right.

Lucifer: "remedial creation" - Lucifer, who lost faith in humanity after seeing what they did with free will, is remembering the hope he had for them back in Eden because his daughter taught him the potential he saw so long ago.

Charlie: "make the best of what's in ruins" - She's acknowledging that where she saw destruction and failure right after the battle, there's still hope. She's looking at everything that's happened, the successes and failures, and using it to build something better based on her experiences instead of giving up, starting over, or just picking up where she left off.

Vaggie: "new coat of paint" - Paint isn't just decoration. It's the first thing people tend to notice, because it's color. The right or wrong color can make a huge difference in people's opinions. Structure is good practically, but a bright appearance is what draws people in, NOT what's on the inside of the building. As far as making this hotel, Charlie's dream, come true, that ability to draw people in is incredibly important; and Vaggie's been trying her hardest to make that dream come true from the very start. And, just like Charlie, she's acknowledging that a little change is necessary to make this better by learning from what went right and wrong before.

Husk: "new lights across the marquee" - Husk was the least enthusiastic about all this in the beginning. He was only there because Alastor forced him to be. Now that he's seen the hotel actually helping people (Angel being the prime example), he sees it as a place that can give hope and light.

And as a bonus, because it's me so of course I have to...

Charlie + Vaggie: "we're gonna do this, you and me" - Charlie and Vaggie are the ones who started it all. Charlie had a dream and Vaggie was the only one who believed in her. In the beginning, it was just them against all odds; and it's still the two of them swearing to stay by each other no matter what. This line specifically is so incredibly emotional in its depth, and I adore it.

This song went so hard with its rebuild lines AND the Chaggie one, and I just think that's amazing.

Honestly? I don't think I had a "home planet". I think somehow I was a nomad, travelling on asteroids and small planets to explore the stars.