Thirteen; 2003

PLEASE

thinking about the “need a achilles to my Patroclus” and realizing I met my achilles, All I can think about is my home girl..let’s call her tree.. Every time she looked at me it felt like she was looking into my soul, holding it in her hands and whispering how everything’s gonna be okay. She made me feel like a person, brought me back when i spiraled, cleaned me up when i relapsed. Moving away felt like leaving apart of my soul behind with her. Maybe we wouldn’t work out as a couple but she was my everything. She was my weird, silly situationship/homoerotic friendship from 7th grade, I KNOW.. 7th grade “your too young to be in love” blah blab blah. Then why does my heart beat to the syllables of her name when i think of her. Why is her name carved into my heart.

on another note, i don’t think she likes me anymore, on her birthday in October i texted her happy birthday and she didn’t respond until i texted her about my birthday IN AUGUST OF THIS YEAR. but yknow im not hurt, okay i am but lets pretend im not, but yknow i know she saw it, i saw the read receipt, hopefully she saw it and just forgot. I always loved to see her eyes light up when i reminded her about sleepovers, was it casual? yes? no? all of the above. Yeah, we kissed but it wasnt US it was our made up characters; Kyle and Jake the frat boys discovering their feelings for eatchother and having to keep it a secret from the other guys in the house. I was Kyle, i wore my hat backwards, sagged my khaki shorts and lived in sandals. Jake did the same but he was also smart, or maybe that was just tree, gosh she was so smart, she was extremely well read, incredible at writing, a skilled mathematician and she could play the guitar.i would give anything to be by her side on the bus taping trash into our sketchbooks, and laughing about kyle and Jake, while one of the songs she was learning played from her voice memos. I liked how she always had corded earbuds, gave me a reason to be close to her, I remember sitting on her balcony, cigarettes after sex playing from my shitty iPhone speaker as we smoked a cigarette we stole from her mom. Our other friends were inside fast asleep on the extra mattress, Tree let me sleep in her twin bed with her, the town was quiet, the moon was lush and everything was perfect.

5 years of reading AND THEY STILL HAVEN’T KISSED

me when the fic i clicked on that was tagged "slow burn" is burning slowly

when the fun event is over so now i have to be said till the next fun event happens

when i go in a room and forget what i needed i become a point and click protagonist. [water bottle?] that’s not helpful right now. [socks?] i don’t know what to do with that. [charger?] that’s not helpful right now. [scissors?] i can’t do anything with that. [water bottle?] that’s not helpful right now. [lone paperclip?] that’s not helpful right now. [water bottle?]