To The Detriment Of Daughters

😭 Jungkook as Hua Cheng from HOB such PERFECTION!

lessons in survival & innocence lost

I can turn it on be a good machine I can hold the weight of worlds if that's what you need I can do it- I'll get through it…

-human, christina perri

I knew GAP was smart. I knew the writers had an expert handle on the story they set out to tell, because they've been telling it exceptionally well.

I did not expect them to give us a scene that was almost brutal in how quietly and accurately it portrayed the lengths people will go to cope- to survive- living under abuse.

I wrote last week:

"when we first meet Sam, she just seems like a cold, aloof, ever-composed high achiever. the more we learn about her past, the clearer it becomes that this was by design, not by choice."

the writers had already given us enough to piece together why Sam is the way she is, but this scene really pulled back the curtain in heart-wrenching, crystal-clear fashion.

teenage Sam skips into the room, carefree & enjoying being with her sisters. she wistfully watches Nueng on the piano, playing with a borderline-terrifying smile on her face.

Nueng catches Sam smiling & asks:

Sam responds simply, innocently: because Nueng is, of course. if her sister is happy, so is she.

a quick note on Nueng's smile: Mind really going in with her facial expressions here felt so intentional. it's obvious to us that she's forcing it, but Sam in her youthful naivete has no idea. she still sees a smile for what it is, for what it should be: joyful, happy, and most importantly- honest.

it was such a smart move on the writer's part, adding to the weight of the moment that comes next.

Mind's expressions here are the definition of "a picture's worth a thousand words."

the smile fades away, replaced by a melancholy, world-weary expression. like she knows what she's about to do, and the effect that it'll have on Sam, but that it's for her own good.

right or wrong, cruel or kind- in her mind, it'll help Sam survive.

Song pipes in first, though: she knows why Nueng is smiling like that, and what it really means.

Nueng explains that it's a ruse: she's actually under a lot of stress, so she's tricking her own body by smiling.

Nueng’s explanation (understandably) isn't enough for Sam. she doesn't have any concept yet of faking emotions, let alone why anyone would do such a thing- so she questions Song about it, too.

Sam’s still processing Song’s response when Nueng walks up, placing a gentle hand on her head. the weariness is back as she tells Sam she can do this, too.

the look of wide-eyed, innocent worry on Sam’s face when she asks “how?” nearly broke my heart in two.

this is all new to Sam, but she trusts her sisters. this must be an important thing that she learn to do, right? and these behaviors have to be learned- either out of necessity or through loving, misguided instruction, like we're witnessing here.

it was like watching a slow-motion car crash: you know the impact is coming and it’s going to be awful, but you can’t look away.

I desperately wanted to shield Sam in this moment- to keep her from learning how to twist and contort herself into something she isn’t to survive the environment she was born into.

Sam parrots back Nueng’s advice at first before confusedly asking, “what if I’m happy? can I smile then?”

Nueng doesn’t hesitate: “if you smile, you lose.” and I’m on my knees, thoroughly gut-punched.

the final nail in the coffin: Nueng telling Sam that she wants her to do that.

Freen then gives us a masterclass in loss of innocence via expression alone. we can see Sam’s light diminishing right in front of our eyes, fading into the schooled, emotionally numb look we know so well for the first time.

it’s equal parts brilliant and unbearably awful.

I can fake a smile I can force a laugh I can dance and play the part if that's what you ask give you all I am…

this scene was one of the most powerful illustrations of the lengths victims will go to survive that I’ve ever seen in a show, Asian or otherwise.

there was zero expository dialogue here. witnessing Sam being brought into the warped, broken fold 'for her own good' was plenty.

it was paradise lost; it was the twilight of innocence; it was the continuation of the cycle. and it made Sam’s openly-expressive, incandescently emotional vows in the wedding scene all the more meaningful.

love, in the end, finally broke the wheel.

side note- not to nitpick but I'm gonna: I really wished they went with the actress who played young Sam for this scene rather than Freen. Sam clearly knew how to force an expression much earlier, so have Freen play this scene felt like a continuity error, even though she knocked it out of the park.

exhibit a ⬇️

What symptoms of depression actually look like

Increased irritability and/or anger when you don’t know why

Feeling numb or having muted emotions in response to upsetting or exciting situations

Lack of interest or passion, in general, for things you once loved

Inability to concentrate or stay focused

Change in sleep patterns, be it not getting enough sleep, having trouble falling asleep, or sleeping far too much and not feeling rested

Exhaustion overall, even for “no reason”

Missing deadlines for projects or assignments

Withdrawing from social activities

Feeling guilty for missing deadlines or withdrawing from social activities

Needing “the rest” because you’re so exhausted, but feeling worse because you stay in bed or on the couch most of the day

No motivation to actually get up and do basic tasks

Hating yourself for not responding to your friends or to important emails on time, but not being able to force yourself to do it

A passing desire to die or just not exist, but not being full-blown suicidal

Not an exhaustive list by any means. What other ways does depression manifest?

Pardon the terrible quality, but this, right here, when Sam says, "I'm sorry that I wasn't there to protect you.", it is so, so, so chilling. It makes absolutely clear without being descriptive how terrible Sam's grandmother is, and how much she dominated and mistreated Sam her whole life.

We see that with her estranged sister, one of the first things Sam says to Neung (who she hasn't seen or talked to in years!) is an accusation filled with all her old hurt and anger that Neung abandoned her and Song with their grandmother, who got worse after she left.

Which is terrible because we already know that the Honorable Grandmother got even worse than that again after Song died!

The trauma her grandmother has been responsible for in Sam's life has always been palpable, but it was made especially so in this episode, in this scene, and in this line.

"I'm sorry that I wasn't there to protect you."

From the moment Mon tells her, "Today Lady Grandmother came to your place," Sam immediately knows what happened. We see her heart break, but we also see her fight back her devastation so she can pull Mon closer to her and comfort her. We see how angry she is at herself and horrified that she let Mon face the Honorable Grandmother alone, and we see that as soon as Sam can speak, all she can say is, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

Because Sam is sorry; sorry that she allowed her grandmother to inflict violence and trauma on Mon, because that is what her grandmother does.

...

Sam is very, very clear.

The Honorable Grandmother needs to be protected from.

Like Sam never was after her sisters were gone.

People will tell you that emotional abuse isn’t real and what you’re dealing with isn’t that big a deal and you’re just exaggerating, but let me tell you something.

If you’ve ever been wary of everyone you know, even people you trust, because you’re expecting them to get angry with you over literally anything, make fun of you, or start making threats, something’s wrong.

If you’ve ever had to plan things in anticipation of a potential tantrum that you fear will be taken out on you, something’s wrong.

If you succumb to someone’s demands because you’re never sure if their threats are empty or legit and you just want to play it on the safe side, something’s wrong.

If you find yourself jumping at smaller noises in anticipation that they’re a warning sign for a tantrum, something’s wrong.

If you hide things - especially things that make you happy - because you’re so afraid that they’ll make fun of you for liking them, scold you for liking something they don’t, take them away, destroy them, or that they’ll defile them and ruin that love you have for them, something’s wrong.

If you find yourself being silent in the face of mild disagreements or thinly-veiled insults, rather than standing up for yourself because you just don’t want to start an argument and make things worse, something’s wrong.

If that very lack of standing up for yourself eventually leads to you never offering your opinion in any sort of discussion out of fear of ridicule or being scolded because that’s what you’re so used to, something’s wrong.

If you end up spending a lot of your time in your room keeping to yourself and keeping any trip outside of your room to an absolute minimum because you don’t want to risk putting one toe out of line and setting off a tantrum, yet you’re also aware that hiding out will also cause an issue and you’re probably just minimizing the risk instead of erasing it entirely, something’s wrong.

If you ever habitually glance outside the window to keep watch for your supposed abuser’s car to return from their work, errand or trip, and then heading to your room or other hiding place to keep out of their way, erasing any obvious signs that you’ve been out and about in the rest of your living space, something’s wrong.

If one of your greatest fantasies involves not a dream career or winning the lottery but instead an escape plan succeeding, something’s wrong.

If you could basically summarize your life as living in constant, subtle fear, Something. Is. Wrong.

Emotional abuse is very, very real, and it has lasting consequences that can affect people’s relationships, their jobs, and their lives all-around.

Don’t you dare tell me it isn’t real.

RAMADAN KAREEM TO ALL MY DEAR MUSLIM FOLLOWERS!

✨✨EXECUTIVE DYSFUNCTION✨✨

(or at least, how I experience it)

when your brain is a car that won’t start, it’s pretty annoying.