“When a child’s primary caregiver delivers both praise and brutality, it is a virtual coin toss as to which will attach itself to the child’s identity. Terribly unhealthy families damage children in many ways, but one of the saddest is the destruction of the child’s belief that he has purpose and value. Without that belief, it is difficult to succeed, difficult to take risks. Perhaps more to the point, it may seem foolish to take risks, “knowing,” as such people do, that they are not up to the task.The way circus elephants are trained demonstrates this dynamic well: When young, they are attached by heavy chains to large stakes driven into the ground. They pull and yank and strain and struggle, but the chain is too strong, the stake too rooted. One day they give up, having learned that they cannot pull free, and from that day forward they can be “chained” with a slender rope. When this enormous animal feels any resistance, though it has the strength to pull the whole circus tent over, it stops trying. Because it believes it cannot, it cannot.“You’ll never amount to anything”; “You can’t sing”; “You’re not smart enough”; “Without money, you’re nothing”; “Who’d want you?”; “You’re just a loser”; “You should have more realistic goals”; “You’re the reason our marriage broke up”; “Without you kids I’d have had a chance”; “You’re worthless”–this opera is being sung in homes all over America right now, the stakes driven into the ground, the heavy chains attached, the children reaching the point they believe they cannot pull free. And at that point, they cannot.”
— Gavin de Becker, The Gift of Fear
👁️ ✨
Pardon the terrible quality, but this, right here, when Sam says, "I'm sorry that I wasn't there to protect you.", it is so, so, so chilling. It makes absolutely clear without being descriptive how terrible Sam's grandmother is, and how much she dominated and mistreated Sam her whole life.
We see that with her estranged sister, one of the first things Sam says to Neung (who she hasn't seen or talked to in years!) is an accusation filled with all her old hurt and anger that Neung abandoned her and Song with their grandmother, who got worse after she left.
Which is terrible because we already know that the Honorable Grandmother got even worse than that again after Song died!
The trauma her grandmother has been responsible for in Sam's life has always been palpable, but it was made especially so in this episode, in this scene, and in this line.
"I'm sorry that I wasn't there to protect you."
From the moment Mon tells her, "Today Lady Grandmother came to your place," Sam immediately knows what happened. We see her heart break, but we also see her fight back her devastation so she can pull Mon closer to her and comfort her. We see how angry she is at herself and horrified that she let Mon face the Honorable Grandmother alone, and we see that as soon as Sam can speak, all she can say is, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
Because Sam is sorry; sorry that she allowed her grandmother to inflict violence and trauma on Mon, because that is what her grandmother does.
...
Sam is very, very clear.
The Honorable Grandmother needs to be protected from.
Like Sam never was after her sisters were gone.
Villa No. 12 in Iporanga, São Paulo
breaking the cycle of generational abuse takes time.
the truth of that cannot be overstated. for a child, it warps and reshapes everything: their understanding of themselves, what their place is in the world and how they engage with it.
when we first meet Sam, she just seems like a cold, aloof, ever-composed high achiever. the more we learn about her past, the clearer it becomes that this was by design, not by choice.
Sam learned from a young age that love and acceptance were contingent upon her compliance. it was transactional- to be earned by meeting her grandmother's expectations, never freely given with no conditions. she took the one thing a child needs the most and dangled it like a prize over Sam’s head, making her work for it.
and if Sam needed any further motivation not to stray from path she was placed on, all she had to do was look to her sisters- both of their lives a tragic example of the consequences of disobeying. imagine how afraid she had to be, and for so, so long. it's heartbreaking.
then Mon came along- letting light and so much love in with her.
with that in mind, next week's preview wasn't a big shock to me. painful, yes- but mainly because it rings so terribly true. the roots of abuse run deep and are long-reaching- often much further than we expect.
I can count on one hand the amount of times I've actually liked high-tension or conflict in a finale. it usually feels like a cheap emotional ploy- lazy writing in an attempt to keep the audience coming back. in my opinion, that's absolutely not what we're seeing here.
the end still remains to be seen, but I have no doubt Sam will finally, permanently end the cycle. it's just that a little more work, a little more struggle, unfortunately- has to happen first.
a toxic foundation laid over a lifetime has finally been cracked, fractured. thanks to love, the biggest work is done. for me, next week doesn't seem like a step back at all.
it's just the last breaking of the wheel.
a note on Nueng, my beloved: sometimes, tough love is incredibly necessary, especially when you're so far gone in a situation that you can't see it for what it is. I was thrilled Nueng was there to provide an equally-strong opposing voice to their grandmother's authority. the one point I strongly disagreed with her on is calling Sam "soft" for continuing to bend to her grandmother's will.
Sam's reluctance to leave even when it's killing her has everything to do with a lifetime of conditioning and love for her grandmother (which she doesn't deserve)- she's not weak; she's a victim. she did find her strength when she walked away, and I fully believe she's going to realize just how strong, capable and worthy of love she is by the end.
As a parent, you don’t get privacy until you are on your own. My house, my rules, my money, my decision.
Don’t like it?
Too bad.
I am the parent here. I’m not your friend. I’m your father.
2022 Faves ♥ It’s fun to look back and see all the seasons represented. Which one is your favorite?
😭 Jungkook as Hua Cheng from HOB such PERFECTION!
Increased irritability and/or anger when you don’t know why
Feeling numb or having muted emotions in response to upsetting or exciting situations
Lack of interest or passion, in general, for things you once loved
Inability to concentrate or stay focused
Change in sleep patterns, be it not getting enough sleep, having trouble falling asleep, or sleeping far too much and not feeling rested
Exhaustion overall, even for “no reason”
Missing deadlines for projects or assignments
Withdrawing from social activities
Feeling guilty for missing deadlines or withdrawing from social activities
Needing “the rest” because you’re so exhausted, but feeling worse because you stay in bed or on the couch most of the day
No motivation to actually get up and do basic tasks
Hating yourself for not responding to your friends or to important emails on time, but not being able to force yourself to do it
A passing desire to die or just not exist, but not being full-blown suicidal
Not an exhaustive list by any means. What other ways does depression manifest?
If you have irritability/rage/sensory overload issues like I do, I HIGHLY recommend the netflix show Moving Art when you need something soothing to block out the world.
The only sound to it is an orchestra (so if you watch on mute you’re not missing anything), and it’s literally just high quality footage of beautiful, remote places on the planet. Definitely one of my new favorites, and it’s nice to have a quick option to calm down right at my fingertips.