IF I DON’T FEEL THE OBSESSION, THE FUCKING HUNGER AND DESIRE I DON’T WANT IT. I WANT LOVE WITH TEETH.

main jise pyar ka andaz samajh baiTha hun // wo tabassum wo takallum teri aadat hi na ho

ساحر لدھیانوی

I haven't made a soulful connection in a long time

Forgotten what it feels like

Illustrations by Bill Mayer

Cold boy winter type shit

Mehfil session 01

Hi. I think I’ll miss him forever. I think he’ll still be on my mind in 10 years. I wish I never experienced him. I cannot seem to pursue another person because it’s unfair. I think I’ll miss him forever and death will be at my door and I’d wonder if he’s alive or not? (My thoughts are currently in darkness and for some reason I felt you might know how that feels. Thanks for the safe space.)

I can relate to you. I was also in a similar situation.

Years went by but I was still there, the memories were fresh. Not a day went by where I didnt think about her. Sometimes I'd even smell her perfume randomly and it would throw me off and I would plummet into the darkness.

What I found beneficial was to analyse my feelings, what did I "miss" exactly. I missed my life at that time, It was a great period of my life. I had the girl that I wanted, the flash car, mates at my place every day, nothing but pure panga/shenanigans. But it came to an end. All those things went wrong or just ended. Lost the girl, sold the car, moved back home, lost the friends.. What im saying is that period of my life I loved, she was apart of that. But if that was now it just wouldn't of worked anyway.

I realised I felt guilt more than I actually missed her. The guilt crippled me.

I did wonder too, I wonder what she's up to, I wonder who's on the phone to her keeping her up at night..

But man it's all pointless, they're most likely not thinking about you. Its a hard pill to swallow. But it's probably true. You just gotta swallow that pill and run it.

It's a good shout to get yourself out there again, make the new connections, even as friends, just get out. You might start prioritising a new person in your mind and that haunting feeling of your past might leave you.

Honestly I don't know if this is good advice but it works for me. I'm cold, cutthroat. My advice usually is too..