Not Superman's Clone AU

I had a dream that the king and the queen of a small country had a daughter. They needed a son, a first-born son, so in secret, without telling anyone of their child’s gender, they travelled to the nearby woods that were rumoured to house a witch.

They made a deal with that witch. They wanted a son, and they got one. A son, one made out of clay and wood, flexible enough to grow but sturdy enough to withstand its destined path, enchanted to look like a human child. The witch asked for only one thing, and that was for their daughter.

They left the girl readily.

The witch raised her as her own, and called her Thyme. The princess grew up unknowing of her heritage, grew up calling the witch Mama, and the witch did her very best to earn that title.

She was taught magic, and how to forage in the woods, how to build sturdy wooden structures and how to make the most delicious stews. The girl had a good life, and the witch was pleased.

The girl grew into a woman, and learned more and more powerful magics, grew stronger from hauling wood and stones and animals to cook, grew smarter as the witch taught her more.

She learned to deal with the people in the villages nearby, learned how to brew remedies and medicines and how to treat illness and injury, and learned how to tell when someone was lying. 

Every time the pair went into town, the people would remark at just how similar Thyme was to her mother. 

(Thyme does not know who and what she is. She does not know that she was born a princess, that she was sold. She only knows that one night after her mother read her a story about princesses and dragons, her mother had asked her if she ever wanted to be a princess.)

((Thyme only knows that she very quickly answered no. She likes being a witch, thank you very much, she likes the power that comes with it and the way that she can look at things and know their true nature.))

The witch starts preparing the ritual early, starts collecting the necessities in the winter so they can be ready by the fall equinox. Her daughter helps, and does not ask what this is for, just knows that it is important.

The witch looks at Thyme, both their hands raised into the air over a complicated array of plants, tended carefully to grow into a circle, and says, sorry.

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ⓘ This user needs a long break from everything.

Had an interesting conversation about this IRL the other day, so...

*Onions excluding "green onions" AKA scallions and already cooked or chopped onions

If the batkids had a podcast

Redhood: I was a pretty easy child-

Nightwing: You were.

Redhood: Straight A's and everything. Like, I would be hanging out with Batman- (laugh) I would be- You know right?

Nightwing: Yeah.

Redhood: Just chilling. No patrol day. And he would be like "what do you want to do?" and I would be like- "Read! :D"

Nightwing *chuckles*: "Homework!"

Redhood: "Homework!". And then- And then I fucking died-

Red Robin: WHEZE.

Redhood: I fucking- Don't be a easy child.

Red Robin (chocking): Don't be a good kid.

Redhood: Don't be a good kid. Start- I don't know– Start throwing shit on fire or something.

Next post

story prompt: children of villains au

Jack and Maddie Fenton, after college and prior to having their first child, were highly-effective super villains. Mad scientists the likes of which Luthor could only dream of achieving.

They were so fucking frightening that this is what drove Vlad away. He wasn't biding his time, he was goddamn hiding from his ex-best friends so that they wouldn't dissect him.

Shit man, they'd nearly done it to him when he'd been fully human. If they found out he'd become part of their obsession?

So yeah Vlad went to ground.

No financial backing, no morals, only science. Everything was a science experiment, full stop.

Then they had a daughter, and like...huh. This. This wasn't an experiment. This was perfection? A mix of both Jack and Maddie, in one tiny perfect body. She was adorable.

And the government, knowing that if these crackpots were dangerous before, holy fuck they'd be unstoppable now cuz protective parent mode go, offers them a deal.

Stop attacking people, stop experimenting on people, stop being villains, make weapons for the government. Do this, and the government will set them up in a house, let them continue experiments that do not infringe on human rights, and the kid gets a full ride scholarship to whatever college she wants, however many times she wants to go.

The Fentons took it; shit man a free scholarship is nothing to laugh at, they'd been to college. That debt was the driving force to them turning to villainy in the first place.

By the time they had Danny they'd fully acclimatized to being strange, ghost-obsessed parents.

The accident happens, Jack and Maddie don't know, shit goes down, and the GIW find out before they do. Then Danny goes missing, after his last known location was being shot down by the GIW.

Now Jack and Maddie, their kids are perfect. Small, cute perfect little kids. Theirs and theirs alone. If one of them managed to become half of the thing they were obsessing over, then they would learn to live with that, because he was their son.

The GIW had hurt their son.

So they made sure Jazzy-pants was secure, protected, and safe; and then proceeded to get all of their old super-villain gear back, decimate the GIW, and commit multiple war crimes.

The government, thinking that they've gone back for no reason, freaks and calls the Justice League. The Justice League who had never had to fight the Fentons, as they'd retired just before the League formation. The older heroes that had fought them are either dead or in retirement.

They know Superman's weakness, they know how to deal with Flash, they can even handle Wonder Woman. Whatever hero the Justice League throws at them, they know exactly what to do.

They are Batman levels of insanely prepared, but with the insanity to be just unpredictable enough that Batman can't tell his friends how to work around the Fenton's plans.

Meanwhile, Jack and Maddie have managed to find out that their baby boy is not being held by the GIW. In fact, it looks like he's gone to ground, smart boy that he is.

They track him to his last known location.

Gotham.

In Gotham, Jason snaps at the street kid he'd taken in to hold the fuck still, since stitches were hard. Danny tries, but stitches feel weird and he's ticklish.

In Wayne Manor, Jazz stares down Bruce Wayne; conclusive evidence in front of her to prove he is Batman. She demands he finds her brother before her parents tear the world apart.

In the Bat Cave, Sam stares down Damian, and Tucker gets stared down by Alfred. They just wanted to find their friend, and what better way than a tracker on the BatMobile?

Maomao said squatters rights

A Wild Battinson (Social Media AU)

MASTERLIST

Part 1 — Temporary Baby Acquisition

Part 2 — HE POUT ????

Part 3 — The Babygirl Agenda: Origins

Part 4 — Stuck in a Bookstore

Part 5 — Dior Bruce Wayne Supremacy

Part 6 — Please Sleep

Part 7 — GALA UNDER ATTACK

Part 8 — Stuck in an Elevator

Part 9 — Bruce Wayne is scared of bats?!

Part 10 — Lex Comes to Town

Part 11 — HIT THE DECK

Part 12 — Career Day in Gotham

Part 13 — Bruce Wayne is GAY????

Part 14 — The 30th Annual Wayne Business Convention

Part 15 — Monday: Puppies!!

Part 16 — Tuesday: Protecc Him

Part 17 — Wednesday: Crafts

Part 18 — Thursday: KIDNAPPED

Part 19 — Friday: The Seminar

Part 20 — Gotham's True Cryptid

Part 21 — Temporary Baby Acquisition II

Part 22 — Valentine's Day <3

Part 23 — "I'm used to it"

Part 24 — Weird Bruce Wayne Pics

Part 25 — Permanent Baby Acquisition

Part 26 — Richard "Dick" Grayson

Part 27 — Who's Batman?

Part 28 — A Baby!!!!

Part 29 — Magical Girl Bruce

Part 30 — A Kid on the Roof

Part 31 — Grounded

Part 32 — Bruce Wayne doesn't blink?!

Part 33 — Gotham Bingo Cards

Part 34 — A Secret Third Thing

Part 35 — Q&A with Bruce Wayne

Part 36 — Bat-Themed Bandaids

Updates Once a Week :)

this is a reminder that

additional leshycar

I need Damian roasting the fam like that John Mulaney quote about middle schoolers insulting you in an accurate way

Damian: The American Hackney is a critically endangered horse breed with only about 200 remaining in the world. I consider myself privileged to be in the company of one right now.

Stephanie, to herself: I can't hit a kid, I can't hit a kid, I can't—

———————

Damian: Your glasses look like the headlights of Superman's pickup truck.

Barbara: Get back to patrol.

———————

Damian: You astound me.

Tim: How so?

Damian: You have far exceeded your life expectancy given your absolutely atrocious self-care habits.

———————

Damian: Father, you cook like someone who's never seen food in his life.

———————

Damian: Grayson, I need your help with a history project.

Dick: Sure, what's it on?

Damian: The Paleolithic Era. Tell me everything you remember about your childhood.

———————

Duke: You say a lotta out-of-pocket things.

Damian: What, like the fact that the Signal-cycle sounds like a washing machine setting?

———————

Damian: Todd, I didn't know you were a Hollywood background character.

Jason: Really? Where?

Damian: *plays The Walking Dead*

———————

Damian: Cain—

Cassandra: Nope.

Damian: But—

Cassandra: I said no.

Damian: Fine.

Cassandra:

Damian:

Cassandra:

Damian: Your ballet shoes look like beans.

———————

Damian: Kyle, may I see your engagement ring?

Selina: Sure.

Selina: *shows him a big diamond*

Damian: *squints*

———————

Damian: *opens his mouth*

Alfred: Don't even try.

Damian: Understood, have a nice day.

———————

Damian, to his reflection: I never realized my hair looks like a shower brush.