„but You Survived“ But I Didn’t Want To Lol. I Wasn’t Supposed To. I Hate That I Did. I’m Angry

I could have a knife in my back and the first thing I'd do is make sure you're okay

REBLOG IF YOURE LOCKING IN FOR 2025

i fuckin love sitting. if a task that’s traditionally done standing can also be done sitting? my ass is on the ground. my legs are cris-crossed. my knees are apple-sauced. my shoulders are hunched. my posture is a shrimp-like abomination. i love it. i love sitting. i love every single fucking filthy thing about it.

my first cross stitch

There’s really not much to this post, I just wanted to share the finished piece of the cross stitch I started. This is gonna get turned into a quilt pillow for my aunts birthday in March, I really hope she likes it. She’s obsessed with the beach and if she could would spend every day there- as I kid I used to think she was a mermaid in disguise lol-

I ended up not doing the little knot details because I couldn’t get it and was becoming a little bit frustrated, but I plan to try again at this on a future project

I thought that I was better

I genuinely thought that I was getting better, that I was moving on from my past. That I wasn’t the same 83 pound ball of depression and suicidal thoughts. But now I can realize that recovery isn’t a liner line, it’s a wave that has high highs and low lows. Some days it’s be a high, while others are a low. I may be depressed and doing things I shouldn’t do, but I’m not starving myself and I’m not cutting myself. And for me that’s a win. Yes I’m hurting in other ways, but I’m not bleeding and I’m not skin n bones anymore. I have scars that show I lived and I’m 105.8 pounds now. Technically I’m still in the bmi underweight category but not by much. I’m at a happy weight. And while yes sometimes I forget to eat, and others I say that I don’t deserve to. That’s all a part of my recovery, it might not be how others recover as each and every person handles things differently. All forms of moving forward- yes even the ups and downs- are a valid form of healing and progress. It shows that you are strong and kicking whatever it is that you are facing in the butt.

Sorry that this was so long, I’m on day three of not sleeping and needed to get this out. Good night or good morning, I hope you all have a lovely time. -3rat

text could never portray the scream i wish i could let out

that felt amazing to do, it hurt a little bit since I destroyed my safe space that I could rant to. But I have friends that are worried for me- my therapist is too- and I don’t want to actively be recording my downfall.

next up, my likes :(

update

I will be deleting all forms of ed and Ana shit on my account today, it’s time to commit to recovery. Even if that means getting rid of my save space

update found out that it wasn’t just breaking my fast that fucked up my stomach, but also the norovirus so that was a great experience.

I’m doing better now, however my sister accidentally caught it from me so now she’s sick. I took a little bit of a break from posting so that I could recover as all I could do was drink water, sleep, drink more water, vomit, drink even more water then sleep for 10 hours and sleep be exhausted when I get up.

I will say it was nice to sleep so much as I have reallllly bad insomnia and rarely get to sleep more than 2-3 hours. Most of the time I might be able to get 3 hours of sleep but it’s with periods of wakefulness. I feel like every 10 minutes of sleep I get I can’t sleep for 20-30 minutes, I’ve been off of melatonin for a while now just to give my body a break from it as in high school I was taking waay more then the recommended amount for someone of my height and weight.

Yall I broke my fast/ diet restriction and I regret it soo much. Not just because of my weight loss goals, but mainly because everything that I had( which wasn’t much) fucked with my stomach so badly

Things I'm good at :

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• feeling like a burden and bed rotting

Messaging people for the first time is so hard. What am I supposed to say? Like, "You seem really odd and your blog intrigues me. Do you want to have philosophical conversations or perhaps talk about fictional characters?" What! Whatever. I will just follow you back and stare at your blog with my big beautiful brown eyes.