The Secret Lives Of Colour / The Secret Lives Of Color, By Kassia St Clair, Hodder & Stoughton, London,

I'm learning to Accept Things...

So recently my best friend has been going through some things. But because of these things he isolates himself, he keeps telling everyone he's okay when we can clearly see he isn't. I'll admit that over the past year we started growing apart. We both just kinda started hanging out with different crowds, but I wanted to try and keep the friendship. I never wanted to lose him. But the fact that he's going through all that's happening to him is hurting him and he's keeping it all locked away inside his head... I feel like it's changing him and I don't like the person he's becoming. I want to hold on to who I remember him being so badly. But I don't see that person anymore. So here is what I'm starting to accept. I accept that he's pushing me away, even though I want to hold on. I accept that the person I see every day is no longer my best friend. I accept that I don't know who he is anymore. I accept that he needs time to deal with everything. I accept that I need to wait for him to decide if he still wants this friendship or not. I accept that maybe I'm not important to him anymore...

Sorry for the long paragraph. This is just something I need to get off my chest...

Yup. This is me in a nutshell

i’ve been having a rough day for about 5 years now

Advanced English Adjectives

Garrulous - excessively talkative

Sententious - given to moralizing in a pompous or affected manner

Pertinacious - holding firmly to an opinion or a course of action

Propitious - giving or indicating a good chance of succeess, favorable

Captious - (of a person) tending to find fault or raise petty objections

Exiguous - very small in size or amount

Contumacious - (especially of a defendant’s behavior) stubbornly or willfully disobedient to authority

Perspicacious - having a ready insight into an understanding of things.

Scurrilous - making or spreading scandalous claims about someone with intention of damaging their reputation

Sumptuous - splendid and expensive-looking

Pervicacious - very obstinate or stubborn

Temerarious - reckless, rash

Sagacious - having or showing keen mental discernment and good judgement

Magnanimous - generous or forgiving, especially to a rival or less powerful person

We are like two bubbles. We exsist in the same universe. Sometimes our paths are pretty close. But when it all bursts, we won't even know the other exsists...

Learning More About Myself

Sometimes the hardest thing to accept is that someone can mean the whole world to you, but you will never be that important to that person.

So, I am a Cancer, an aquatic star sign. We are known for being caring, to the extent of motherly. My emotions are also heightened. When I feel things, I feel them to the extreme. I also get attached to people really easily and crushes don't really feel like crushes, they feel like a messed up form of love. Unfortunately I also feel things like hate, anger, disappointment and depression to the extremes. That's why, if someone is important to me, I try to put them at the top of my list. I will do almost anything for them.

This is what makes things difficult. I will put people first in my life, do anything to help them and avoid fighting with them, but when I was younger, sometimes this wouldn't work, and I would get angry and sometimes, thankfully not a lot of times, this would turn into a small fit of violence. I say small because it would be a storm out with a slamming door or one punch, or a slap and then it's done.

I kind of feel like this turned into calamitous relationships as I grew up. I would have friends that would end up leaving me or kicking me out of their groups in high school because I was either too shy or too loud. My relationship with my family was worsening as I started to fall into a depressive state. Things with friends in school started to feel so uncertain all the time and to make it worse, I had had my heart broken for the first time by some douchebag I knew and had a crush on in primary school. He knew this and in high school took advantage of it. He told me he wanted to be my boyfriend, but we only ever had an online relationship. (I went to an all girls high school) So I never considered it my first real relationship or him as my first real boyfriend. We "broke up" because he hated that he never saw me. About a month or so later he wanted to try again, but the very next day told me his ex-girlfriend wanted him back and dumped me.

This started a long journey of depression, self harm and an extensive search for affection from the male species. I guess that search started a long time ago though. I mean, I spoke a lot about how my dad kind of isolated himself from me and stuff...

So you can say I kind of have parent issues. I never really had a mom. I mean I only knew her for about nine years of my life. She was rock for those nine years. After she passed on, my sister tried to be the mother figure in my life. When my dad isolated himself from us, my brother was there to fill the gap. My brother and sister are also a lot older than me. 11 years and 7 years respectively. This helped the process as they were old enough to take me to doctors and fill out the paperwork or sign my homework books and write me sick notes. They would drive me wherever I needed to go and buy me whatever I needed. They were pretty much my parents for most of my childhood and teenage life. Without them I have no idea where I would be right now.

It was hard, I didn't have a mom. I had a dad who who gave up on being my dad and then a brother and a sister who tried their best to fill the gap... But I think things were also harder because I didn't really know how to talk to people about things. I still don't know how to talk to people about things. Even though I trust tons of people, I constantly feel like if I tell them things, they'll give up on me or judge me. It's too hard and it feels too risky.

There are things about myself that I am certain about:

1. I find it very hard to tell people anything.

2. I hate relying on other people and asking for favours (Unless they are my family), sometimes I'm even to shy to ask someone for directions in a mall...

3. I get attached to people really easily. This also means I am hurt by people easily.

4. I struggle to understand my place in people's lives. When someone is really important to me, I make sure they are happy. But then I also assume that I am important to them and expect to be treated as I treat them. Obviously other people won't... Also, just because they are important to me does not meaan I am important to them.

5. I feel things really deeply.

“You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.”

— Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

Missing Someone

You know that feeling? It's like a deep ache in your chest and every time you think of someone, it's there. That's how I feel. I feel like I want to make everything better. But for selfish reasons. I want to fix everything so that I can have that person back in my life. When I think about it. I know that it's not possible and that's what hurts the most...

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