“Please Stop Destroying What Is Left Of Your Heart By Constantly Thinking About Things That Have Broken

When Mike packs up his room to move out of Hawkins with Will at the end of ST, I want the one way sign to point out of the closet as a wink and a nod that yes, we did all of that on purpose and some of you got it, congratulations, we made this show for you.

Joy Sullivan, from Instructions for Traveling West: Poems; “Howl”

Something that I've been thinking about lately: the difference in how Theo talks about Pippa compared to how he talks about Boris in his adult years.

Theo talks about Pippa like she's perfect, or at least the perfect one for him. He's convinced that she is the one he is meant to be with, the only one who could understand him. But the way he talks about her doesn't come off as love, but as an obsession instead. I'm not saying that he doesn't have any genuine love/affection towards her, I'm sure he does, but he has definitely romanticized her existence to the point that the person he thinks he's in love with is completely different than the real one. He barely knows the real Pippa because getting to know her would mean that his fantasy would dissappear. So he ignores all those things that don't match his ideal version of Pippa and talks about her like she's perfect. Her imperfections, if he mentions any, are endearing. But, still; somehow most of the times where he tries to compliment her end up sounding weird (Unexpected glimpse of her white armpits). He can't say anything about her that isn't superficial because he doesn't see her as real person but as his walking fantasy.

Meanwhile, Theo seems to want to reminds us (and himself) everything bad about Boris. He is quick to point out his faults, even when he says something nice about him or expresses his feelings about him. And surely, Boris does have a lot of faults, but it's weird how often Theo talks about them unprovoked. Like he wants to make sure everything else he says about him doesn't sound too gay. He focuses on the negatives because he is afraid of his feelings. He isn't ready to admit that despite his faults (which were numerous and spectacular), he still loves him. He likes to point out all the ways that Boris is different than him, almost like he's trying to convince himself that they belong in different worlds, like they could never work out, despite it being quite obvious that the two of them aren't very different where it counts. Regardless of these habits of his, Boris is real to him. Perhaps the problem is that Boris presence is his life forces him to acknowledge his real self too. (A self one does not want, a heart one cannot help.)

In conclusion, despite Theo's best efforts to convince himself that he's totally straight and in love with Pippa, I think it's quite obvious to everyone with enough reading compensation skills that the one he loves is Boris. He can talk shit about him and put Pippa on a pedestal all he wants; but the truth can't be hidden. Donna Tarrt told me this personally btw, don't doubt me.

i wish i was a cishet guy so that i could start a podcast and go to the gym and allow that to fulfill me spiritually. but instead i have these visions

“the snow in the mountains was melting and bunny had been dead for several weeks before we came to understand the gravity of our situation” - Donna Tartt

it's your lucky day. nothing you had that left is coming back

the goldfinch left me permanently insane because why have I thought about it every day for the past 4 months

[S]ometimes, unexpectedly, grief pounded over me in waves that left me gasping; and when the waves washed back, I found myself looking out over a brackish wreck which was illuminated in a light so lucid, so heartsick and empty, that I could hardly remember that the world had ever been anything but dead.

Donna Tartt's The Goldfinch

me crying while listening to radiohead: oh my god theo decker coded

remember what’s really truly important in life : local bookstore