vanitas!!!
Guys, queers. Specifically my fellow queers.
I work at a library. We do this thing where, every so often, we weed the collection. It hurts to see books go, but it's necessary to make sure there's room in the library for new materials.
I have seen so much support for the library in text, and I've seen folks pass around those beautiful "queer your library" flyers. Keep doing that. That's great. Nothing wrong with that. But you HAVE to turn your words into action. We MUST remember to actually go to our local organizations and libraries and actually, with our own fucking hands, interact with these materials we want to see more of.
My branch is medium-sized for a library, maybe a little small. We don't have as many materials as I'd like, but we have fundamentals. Tell me why, even with all the verbal support I've gotten from my local community for the library as a resource for our LGBT+ community, every single trans biography and a good chunk of our vaguely queer theory books were on the list. This isn't a scheme to take the books off the shelves, it isn't another bigoted American governmental push. The only thing we look at when we weed is how long it's been since the last time the item was checked out.
Three years.
No one in my community interacted in any meaningful way with the few books on trans life and history we physically had on the shelves for three fucking years.
I promise you the materials you want and need are there, but this isn't a horde. This isn't a static safety net. You have to use them. You MUST use them or, in the future, maybe in three years, they *won't* be there anymore.
This isn't a vague post, there's no one person I'm hinting at or calling out. I'm not even talking directly to anyone who's directly in my line of sight. I just want everyone to hear this. Big library, small library, whatever. Doesn't matter. Please, we cannot be losing our shelf visibility like this.
please do something kind for yourself today. treat yourself as your oldest and dearest friend. speak gently to yourself, treat yourself to your favourite meal or activity. in a world that demands so much of you, at the very least you owe it to yourself to be kind.
update because even though the sadness and confusion are real, my perspective did in fact change haha
after a good phone call with a fellow ND friend I’ve returned to the conclusion that I’m probably just autistic (this is not new). I don’t feel like a woman because I often don’t feel like a human and a lot of things can make me dissociate from my body (and we both felt that)
Honestly I’m okay with this. Obviously dissociating is not fun but… Just understanding that being a queer/neurodivergent woman is its own thing. There’s other autistic who are nonbinary or trans and that’s also a thing. Idk. I’d just like everyone to feel valid. No one should have to prove their identity to others. And of course everyone has a different path with exploring their own identity. In some way I guess it’s funny that my path as a girl/woman is not so straightforward, despite it being the gender I was assigned at birth. Is it actually this complicated for most people, when they really sit down to examine it? hmm
praying my feelings on this don’t change dramatically… but if they do, well I suppose that’s life!
Dear Reader,
I'm glad that I got to experience life as a girl. I really am. It brings me to tears just thinking about it. Sure, there are drawbacks, but so many positives. I mean...
For example, it was nice to play with the other girls because they never treated me roughly. I could feel safe with them. And it's so lovely to wear dresses and skirts and cute accessories with no one thinking it's odd. It's nice to not feel so self-conscious about expressing my emotions. It's comforting to be able to connect and commiserate with others who have experienced girlhood and/or are living as a woman.
But... as I continue to see my therapist, I become more aware of how my anxiety manifests, how I often feel trapped or unseen by the world, for seemingly no reason that I can discern. The feeling of being trapped keeps returning. I'm scared of what it might mean. Maybe it's not related to my gender at all. But I'm still scared of it. And yet I hope to unravel it one day.
Today I went to shower and saw my body in the mirror, and maybe I'm just tired, but I felt so wrong. Another thing I'm not able to explain. And earlier when I spoke with my father, I hated every word that came out of my mouth, not because I thought what I was saying was dumb or irrelevant, but because suddenly, my voice didn't sound like mine.
By the way, I'm not a boy. In case you're asking that, I want to make it clear. To call myself a boy or a man just doesn't feel quite right. But I am always a person, and I don't mind calling myself a woman... sometimes.
I wish this was easy. But I have a feeling this is what the Death card that came up in a recent tarot reading (I know, I'm silly) meant for me. I interpreted it as needing to really grieve something in order to keep moving forward with my life. And I don't know, it all feels connected somehow.
Maybe this is simply part of my path to becoming a woman? I wonder.
For now I just need to cry. Like Chihiro from Spirited Away. I still remember the message I took from the ending of the film, that filled me with such sadness.
"I can never return to my childhood."
fandom nd ppl in general waaaaay overuse the word ‘twink’ for characters that term should definitely not apply to. johnny joestar is not one such case.
canopy
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