Wow, It’s Friday! Have A Great Weekend. 

Ctenophore

Isn’t it kind of bananas that for most of human history we’ve been completely oblivious to how utterly environmentally tumultuous the planet has historically been? Before the advent of paleontology, conventional wisdom posited that the earth has more or less looked the same for as long as its been around, but soon enough naturalists like Georges Cuvier came along and said, “well it actually turns out that most of the organisms that have ever existed are actually no longer with us,” thereby introducing the entire concept of extinction to the human race?? Do you realize how coconuts that must have sounded back then?

Not only that, but the more we delved into paleontology the more it became apparent that the Earth has spent so much of its existence (about a billion years) being completely unsuitable and even hostile to life as we know it. A significant stretch of the cosmic timeline classifies our planet as being an oxygen-poor wasteland constantly pounded by asteroids and brimming with active super volcanoes. Even after life on Earth started to stretch out its stubby little amphibious legs we’ve had like five mass extinctions events almost completely fuck it all up (including one known as the Permian extinction which killed off no less than 70% of the planet’s land-based life and 96% of its sea critters). Can you recognize how rare and unlikely it is that out of all the downright catastrophic times any of us could have existed as unfortunate little trilobites or dimetrodons we actually get to exist as humans beings who can learn about this stuff with the help of a scientific discipline that effectively allows us to peer back into the reaches of the past?? Anyway, here’s wonderwall 

ammonite life assemblage at Lyme Regis

Crow, landing by me like one of those kinetic bombardment tungsten rods: I am ancient. I am all-seeing. I sat on the shoulders of gods, made friends with the wolf and picked clean the eyes of your brothers. I am the ever-shifting trickster and the croak at the back of Death's throat. I am darkness a-wing and night in the day.

Me: Baby! Your lunch is there, go mad.

Crow: ...

Me: ...

Crow: Ooh, raisins!

RECORD BREAKERS

Life on earth, as magnificent and versatile as it is, is seemingly tame compared to the weird and wonderful creatures that once existed. All categories of life have reached unimaginable sizes, here are just a selection of prehistoric record breakers!

MEGALODON The biggest shark known to have existed, ruling over the oceans as recently as up to a million years ago. A length of almost 20 metres and weighing in at an estimated 48 tonnes, Megalodon could deliver a crucifying bite of up to 110,000N. It is no surprise that the Megalodon was dubbed the “whale killing shark”.

MEGATHERIUM Our early ancestors would have been quite familiar with Megatherium as they existed up to 8000 years ago, they were in fact the largest sloths to have existed. Sloths have a reputation as being lazy, slow and docile, but Megatherium was a 6 metre long, 4 tonne monster with a killer instinct and knife-like claws. Megatherium’s discovery came before that of the dinosaurs. Skeletons of these prehistoric beasts were a delight to the Victorian public and paved the way for the science of palaeontology.

ARCHELON Literally meaning “large turtle”, Archelon certainly was just that. Existing during the cretaceous, the time of the dinosaurs, Archelon could reach 4.5 metres long and may have lived to over 100 years old. Archelon could not compete with other cretaceous beings in speed and agility, but its blade-like beak was able to slice through flesh and crush though the toughest ammonite shells. Unfortunately Archelon appears to have been a popular snack for other marine dwellers, skeletons are frequently missing flippers or heads and covered in slashes.

TITANOBOA When the dinosaurs reign ended, a new era saw the rise of new super-predators, one was Titanoboa, the largest snake ever with a body up to 13 metres long, standing a metre off the ground and weighing up to 2500 pounds. Titanoboa was 30% longer than even todays largest species. Scientists believe this humongous snake hunted like its modern relatives, the boa constrictors, by winding around prey and suffocating them.

IRISH ELK Owner of the largest antlers of any animal, up to 3 metres wide, the Irish Elk gets its name from its frequent discoveries in Irish peat bogs. Existing up to 10,000 years ago, these would have been a common sight in grasslands for our ancestors. Many fossils indicate the animals died of starvation which is why the antlers are thought to have been part of elaborate mating contests between males, often resulting in one being fatally injured and unable to feed itself.

DEINOTHERIUM A distant relative of the elephants and mammoths, Deinotherium was more sinister, its name translates to “terrible beast”, they would have most likely caused trouble for our ancient ancestors around 1.5 million years ago. Deinotherium is actually considered to be the second largest land mammal of all time, behind Paraceratherium and is iconic in appearance due to its sharp, downward facing tusks.

ARCTODUS Known as the short faced bear, they were the biggest bears on record and one of the largest mammal carnivores to have existed. Whilst their skull was short, they were packed with piercing teeth that could deliver a bone crushing bite. Existing up to 11,000 years ago, out ancestors would have stayed well clear of this 900 kilogram predator, with slender limbs and knife-like claws, Arctodus was deadly.

SARCOSUCHUS One of the most infamous fossil discoveries in history, Sarcosuchus was the largest crocodile to walk the Earth up to 112 million years ago, this was a crocodile capable of killing dinosaurs. Sarcosuchus was twice as long as a saltwater crocodile, that’s 11-12 metres long and could reach over 8 tonnes. Its jaw was packed full of 66 teeth either side of its jaw and would have clamped down on prey that wandered too near.

ARGENTINOSAURUS One of the largest lifeforms that has ever stood on the Earth, Argentinosaurus could grow up to 30 metres long with its hind limbs standing 4.5 metres off the ground. They existed between 97-94 million years ago and at adulthood would have been virtually indestructible to predators. Its weight is estimated at a staggering 80-100 tonnes. There hasn’t been another land mammal on the same scale as Argentinosaurus since and it’s unlikely there ever will be.

SPINOSAURUS The largest discovered therapod ever, a group that includes Allosaurus and Tryrannosaurus. Spinosaurus remained an enigma to scientists for decades, the only discovered specimen was sadly destroyed during World War 2 and was not rediscovered until the 21st century. Spinosaurus is thought to have reached up to 16 metres long and weighed in around 12 tonnes, that is almost double the weight of a T-rex!

Helicoprion: What if, like, teeth,

Mesosaurus: Yeah?

Helicoprion: but WHEEL

Mesosaurus: No don't -

Helicoprion:

(Image by ДиБгд)

Bioluminescent Plankton

Scientists have only recently discovered that this type of plankton glows when they are moved because of stress - ironic when you consider how relaxing the sight of the shimmering waves are in the dark night. Bioluminescence is used as a defence mechanism to draw predators towards the creature trying to eat the plankton. The tiny flashes of light also disorientate and surprise the predator.

These tiny organisms produce light using a chemical called luciferin. The process of creating a bioluminescent light, which is simply light produced within a living creature, differs between organisms. Some need a particular food or another creature for the effect to happen. But this type of plankton, called dinoflagellates, produce luciferin on their own. The light the tiny plankton emit is called ‘cold light’, meaning less than 20% of the light generates heat.

Huge areas of the ocean can become populated by glowing plankton but the effect is especially common in warm-water lagoons that have narrow openings to the sea. This causes the plankton to gather and become trapped, causing the water to turn orange.

Image credit: Will Ho, Kin Cheung, Landscapes Maldives & eyegami

Source: Kuoni

Dunkleosteus, motherfuckers.

there are a lot of ai tropes. i chose the six that i love most, and i've turned them into a quiz.

ten questions, six results. no pop culture.