(cw Suicidal Thoughts)

cant stop thinking abt this bit from a psa about activated charcoal flushing your medications from your system

hmmmm want to write something about the way Julian's really tactile but also incredibly uncomfortable around touch. because I'm certain the Bashirs would have hated it if Jules was touch-averse and refused their hugs and so that would be another thing to fix on Adigeon. but while Adigeon changed lots of things it didn't make him less uncomfortable, just better at masking...

but then like with friends? with people who he likes and who have sent his trust? he discovers touch can actually be a comforting and good sensation so long as he feels like he can back away from it at any time and the other person will actually let him?

idk there's something incredibly manipulative and possessive about the way that Amsha is constantly reaching out for him and holding him in DBIP and in the aftermath of all that? I just see a Julian who is desperate for comfort from his friends but whose skin recoils at the thought of being touched for a good while after his parents have left the station and maybe he can't even quite put his finger on why. and he's just completely torn between wanting a hug but being entirely unable to accept one.

Them together DO U UNDERSTAHND

the lizard and the twink compel me. not just because of the chemistry and the drama and the banter

we have middle aged paranoid trauma queen. he's bitchy and mean and so so sad. he loves fashion and gardening and bombs. his father was reptile himmler. he was groomed to be a killer. he's sentimental and unable to be sincere. he tortured people until he couldn't stomach it anymore. he had a drug addiction that almost killed him. he's pathetic and a little creepy

we also have pretty boy himbo supergenius. he's kind and silly and so so angry. he loves tennis and playing dress-up and medical malpractice. he is dr. Frankenstein (on request only). he's idealistic and unable to live up to his own morals. he keeps dating his patients. he tortured a dying man with a mind probe. he was designed to be a legacy. he's horny and a little desperate

and you'd think they'd be an explosion of terror when they're together, but no. it implodes and fizzles out. they eat chocolates and discuss Shakespeare insincerely and probably cuddle. they just enjoy each other's company

they're still toxic and dysfunctional and a little off-putting to be around. they are everyone else's problem. they're dangerous tools to be wielded by others. but when they're together, they even each other out. and they just get to dysfunctionally function.

and I think that's beautiful

listen yes the memes and jokes about Holo Julian not needing a bed and just sleeping in it alone out of spite are very funny but Holo Julian saying he's going to sleep in the bed alone implies that him and Garak sleep together at night. Holo Julian doesnt need sleep and can just turn himself off but the implication is that he doesnt do that, the implication is that him and his husband share a bed and sleep together, not out of necessity but purely because they want to

Telling myself I won't go there

Oh, but I know that I won't care

Tryna wash away all the blood I've spilt

This lust is a burden that we both share

Two sinners can't atone from a lone prayer

Souls tied, intertwined by our pride and guilt

There's darkness in the distance

From the way that I've been livin'

But I know I can't resist it

Oh, I love it and I hate it at the same time

You and I drink the poison from the same vine

Oh, I love it and I hate it at the same time

Hidin' all of our sins from the daylight

From the daylight, runnin' from the daylight

From the daylight, runnin' from the daylight

Oh, I love it and I hate it at the same time

Tellin' myself it's the last time

Can you spare any mercy that you might find

If I'm down on my knees again?

Deep down, way down, Lord, I try

Try to follow your light, but it's night time

Please, don't leave me in the end

There's darkness in the distance

I'm beggin' for forgiveness (ooh)

But I know I might resist it, oh

Oh, I love it and I hate it at the same time

You and I drink the poison from the same vine

Oh, I love it and I hate it at the same time

Hidin' all of our sins from the daylight

From the daylight, runnin' from the daylight

From the daylight, runnin' from the daylight

Oh, I love it and I hate it at the same time

Oh, I love it and I hate it at the same time

You and I drink the poison from the same vine

Oh, I love it and I hate it at the same time

Hidin' all of our sins from the daylight

From the daylight, runnin' from the daylight

From the daylight, runnin' from the daylight

Oh, I love it and I hate it at the same time

The irony is that with Star Trek not directly talking about the genitals of aliens to stay family-friendly, they inadvertently left the door open to our imaginations

TNG | 5.05

I was at the LA Times Festival of Books this weekend, and was pleasantly surprised (okay, shocked) that I was invited to be photographed just like the fancy people (Amanda Gorman? Are you KIDDING ME? HOLY CRAP!). I did my best to feel comfortable, and I just love the picture they published.