Me Giving My Pet Chihuahua Two Kisses: Chimuahmuah

can you imagine how freaky shark mermaids would be like unlike sharks, shark mermaids would have actual arms/hands and could rely on touching things with their hands to see if they’re prey rather than having to bite like sharks do. like youre just swimming in the ocean and suddenly you feel a strong grip on your leg, you freak the FUCK out because uh what????? the fuck??? youre swimming alone in the ocean??

a head pops out of the water, dorsal fin pointed from its back and it just points at you and says in a low whisper: “i thought you were a seal. please dont swim alone like this, im sorry i scared you i just wanted to see what you are” and then disappears back into the depth. what the fuck.

saw my friend reblog a post about hating driving and listen. i understand you. however i love driving because i am locked in a metal box for three and a half hours on the regular where i can do nothing but focus on not dying and listening to music i love as loud as i want while i pass through gorgeous mountains in weather that could destroy me like an errant fruitfly. it enriches my warrior monkey brain to go fast at speeds no man was meant to go and try as hard as possible to fight against the constant threat of dying in the concrete arena. does this sound relaxing? perhaps not to the regular man. but a man i am not.

looks like this friend gets everything BUT bbc

i have a friend who has kinda bad eczema on their right hand but their left hand is fine and thats because acidity makes eczema worse and that includes vaginal acidity and my friend is both a lesbian and a slut so they finger a lot of people and that fucks up the hand they use (their right hand). Anyways do you think BBC sherlock would deduce that by looking at my friend’s hands

the five stages of grief your honour

I was looking for something in my email inbox, going back a few pages, and I came across an email a friend sent me in May asking if she could come visit me this summer and I was seized with blind panic, !!!!! oh my god I procrastinated on this email and never ended up replying to her and now the summer is almost over and it’s much too late to plan anything and she didn’t dare to reach out again and probably never will now I’ve lost this friend forever and then I fearfully clicked on the email and realised I had actually replied to her. In a timely manner. And she actually did come to visit last month and I had no trouble remembering everything we did during her visit. I love starting my morning with a spike of worry so intense it’s like my brain gives itself a stress-lobotomy, erasing entire series of events. A reverse near-death experience where instead of seeing your past life flash before your eyes, you remember not a single potentially-reassuring past decision but you see your tragic future flash before your eyes, ruined by this one mistake you made

Smh all women do is lie

- chad

a girl will be named isabel and then she isnt even a bell

One of the most important things I have learned today..