— Jack Veasey, “loving”

no but really why does mike get blamed for every little thing it's not funny anymore. why is he inherently more culpable than the rest of them. why is he the one they always expect to know everything. why does he usually actually know everything or have the key to figuring it out. why is he personally responsible for any given disagreement even when 3+ people are involved and all acting out of line not just him. why is he the heart why is he the bad guy why why why

He’s on an adventure 🌧️🐱

oh to have a fraction of the swag the average background character in sleeping beauty does

Eddie is used to getting recognized in public, but it doesn’t mean he likes it.

And Gareth knows how much he doesn’t like it, so Eddie’s not really sure why his best friend has completely abandoned him like this. Well, maybe abandon is a little dramatic. He said he’d be right back, but that was half an hour ago, and there’s only so many times he can circle the park and dive into bushes anytime someone gets too close. Which is why Eddie left the park altogether and is now sitting at a bus station. No one would expect notorious Corroded Coffin frontman Eddie Munson to be at a bus station, right?

Except he’s not sure the hat and sunglasses and incongruous location are quite doing their job. A group of kids across the road have stopped and they’re all whispering amongst themselves as they look at him. Eddie really wishes he had something to conceal himself with, but his hand over his face would definitely look way too suspicious. He’s thinking he might just have to cut and run and take his chances back in the park bushes.

That is, until the most beautiful man he’s ever seen in his life sits in the seat next to him, unfurling a giant map that easily shields both of them. Eddie’s fucking savior.

“Hey, you wouldn’t happen to know how to get to Japantown, would you?” the guy asks.

As it happens, Eddie does know how to get to Japantown. He hasn’t actually ridden the bus in years, but he still remembers the route. “Yeah,” he says, pointing it out on the map. “You just get on line five headed east and ride it like nine or ten stops until you get to McAllister and Fillmore. From there you just have to walk a few blocks to get into the area.”

The guy looks at him with big eyes, brown and a little droopy. “McAllister and Fillmore,” he repeats, like he’s trying to memorize it. He has pretty pink lips, glistening a little like he’s wearing lipgloss. 

Fuck, he’s adorable. And looks a bit prone to getting lost. And Eddie’s still kind of mad at Gareth for leaving him high and dry out here. So as the bus pulls up to the stop, Eddie figures what the hell?

“I’m actually headed that way,” Eddie says, standing. “I can show you.”

The guy’s whole face brightens and fuck, he really is gorgeous. “You don’t mind?”

“Not at all, big boy.”

The bus is blessedly empty other than one shriveled up lady sitting towards the front with her groceries and a teenager in the middle with giant headphones and their nose in a book. Eddie heads to the back with the guy, who now has a faint blush dusting his nose and cheeks.

“I’m Steve, by the way,” he says as he sits in the seat next to Eddie. “What’s your name?”

So that confirms that Steve doesn’t know who he is. It didn’t seem like he did from how he was reacting, but it’s a bit of relief to know for sure. “Eddie,” he says, bumping his shoulder into Steve’s. “Nice to meet you.”

Steve gives him a smile that’s about as radiant as the sun as he nudges Eddie’s shoulder back. “You too.”

“So what do you have going on in Japantown?” Eddie asks.

“I’m headed to a baby shower for some friends who live near there,” he says, “Well, it’s not a real baby shower.”

“No?”

“‘Cause it’s not a real baby. That is, it’s not a human baby.”

Eddie lifts his eyebrows. “I think you lost me.”

Steve twists in his seat and starts gesturing with his hands. “Well, it all started when they found out that one of their cats wasn’t actually spayed and had gotten knocked up by a stray,” he says, “And Robin was like, ‘Hey, more cats, that’s a good thing,’ and Nancy was like, ‘No, our neighbors already think we’re crazy cat ladies.’”

“Uh huh.”

“So they compromised and decided they would keep one kitten and give the rest away,” Steve says, “So it’s less of a come give us presents for our baby shower and more of a please take our babies away shower. You know?”

“Oh yeah, one of those,” Eddie says, and Steve laughs. 

“Hey, are you in the market for a kitten?” he asks. “Cause if you are, I totally know where you can get one.”

It’s Eddie’s turn to laugh. “Honestly?” he says, “I’ve got nothing else going on. Why the hell not?”

Steve gives him another one of those radiant smiles and Eddie can’t help but hope he gets more than a kitten by the end of this.

Eddie posting to Tiktok: So, I just got home and Steve’s not here which is fine but it is where I left him. So, I send him a text asking where he’s at and-

*Eddie makes his background a screenshot of their text conversation. Eddie texted ‘where are you?’ and Steve responded with that gif of Spike saying ‘out for a walk, bitch’*

Eddie: who taught this man about gifs? Do you have any idea how fucking funny this is going to be?

Literally when I start thinking about how White Collar tried to make their main character a pretty playboy womanizer and at the same time gave their other main character a healthy loving affectionate marriage and the two things combined to make an unignorably poly throuple because Neal can't not flirt with El and Peter and El are obviously in love and Peter and Neal literally joke about being a couple several times and yet there's no jealousy anywhere just three people in love I lose it. "I made a perfectly straight FBI procedural" you've made a poly love story actually congrats that's an upgrade <3

insane plotlines for qaf us if it started in 2020 instead of 2000

he/they emmett (this one isnt insane i just needed to include it i stole this one from emily but it has not left my mind since i heard it)

brian gets cancelled on local pittsburgh twitter for strictly enforcing rainbow capitalism in every company he works with

ted gets really into nfts instead of crystal meth

wait even funnier instead of the website ted defintely starts an onlyfans

michael gets mad that everyone assumes he’s an ally and infringing on gay spaces because he just carries absolutely no vibes

justin has a thinly veiled self-insert comic on webtoon after he and brian hook up iand that gets picked up for a movie deal nstead of rage

daphne would be a kpop stan 

debbie almost goes broke from buying gay slogan shirts on etsy. decides to start a side hustle selling her own.

lindsey definitely gets into fights with other mommy bloggers

ben wrote the song of achilles in this universe mostly because i think that would be extremely funny

appreciation post for kaz’s best one-liners

because he’s the chandler of the crows

about jesper spelling ‘forgive me’ on dirix’s chest in bullet holes: “Compromise”, Kaz said. “I’m sorry does the trick and uses fewer bullets.”

“If you fail, all the world will suffer for it.” - “Oh, it’s worse than that, Van Eck. If I fail, I don’t get paid.”

“I had a question,”, said Kaz. “About your mother and whether the rumours are true.” (he says that to a guard in hellgate 💀)

when he tells wylan to watch jesper so he doesn’t go gambling: “I don’t need a nursemaid”, Jesper snapped. “More like a chaperone, but if you want him to wash your nappies and tuck you in at night, that’s your business.” (captain of the wesper ship from day one)

Kaz replied with a time-saving gesture that relied heavily on his middle finger and disappeared belowdecks. (i know, technically not a line, but still great)

“I’ll just hire Matthias’ ghost to kick your ghost’s ass.” (iconic 👏🏻)

when jesper doesn’t know what to do with the backless book: “Hold it up so we don’t have to look at your ugly face.”

“What is he doing?” asked Matthias. “Performing an ancient Zemeni ritual,” Kaz said. “Really?” - “No.”

“How do we cross? I don’t see anything.” - “Because you are not worthy.” - “I’m also not nearsighted. There’s nothing there.” followed by: “This is only one part of Hringkälla.” - “Yes, I know, then a tree tells you the secret handshake.”

“You can explain why our illustrious Shu scientist looks like one of Wylan’s school pals along the way.”

about van eck’s replacement for the ruby (that HE STOLE): “Nice pin,” Kaz said with a glance at the ruby stuck to Van Eck’s tie, “Not as nice as the other one, though.”

“Let’s go.” - “Me?” - “No, the idiot behind you.”

“How is-” - “Nina is fine. Jesper is fine. Everyone is fine except for me because I’m stuck with a gang of hand-wringing nursemaids. Keep a watch.” (actually it’s because of inej, but sure, kaz)

while petting a dog: “Now why can’t people be this easily trained?”

“I helped as well,” added Kuwei, looking sulky. “He did help,” Wylan said. “We’ll make him a plaque,” said Kaz.

“I need to do this. I’ve never been to my mother’s grave. I’m not leaving Kerch without saying goodbye.” - “Trust me, you care more than she does.” (i mean he’s right but jesus christ 💀)

“Pick up the pace,” Kaz said, eyeing his watch. “If I spill a single drop of this, it will burn straight through the floor onto my father’s dinner guests.” - “Take your time.”

when he breaks that dreg member’s leg: “My leg! My leg!” - “I recommend a cane.” (he’s a bad bitch and he knows it. 10/10)

Jellen Radmakker had fallen to the stage and was bellowing, “I’ve been shot!” He had not been shot.

when zoya tries to reanimate kuwei: “I really hope she gets this right,” murmured Nina. “Not as much as Kuwei does,” said Kaz.

in conclusion: kaz is actually funny as hell

I always wonder whether Batfam fans really get just how fucking rich the Waynes are. Like of course we shy away from thinking about the fact that we're talking Musk and Bezos money, and focus on how Bruce funds the freaking Watchtower and has what is functionally a high-tech military base and lab and the world's most expensive vehicles. But this is the one time you don't have to factor in the implications of wealth-hoarding, so there's nothing preventing y'all from understanding exactly how much money we're talking about here.

For instance, there doesn't seem to be any concept of how palatial Wayne Manor is, simply going by the outer facades of it that appear in the comics and movies. Or how decadent the lifestyles that accompany that kind of ancestral home. Alfred couldn't run that place on his own even if he had super powers, which is why even the movies occasionally show a rotating probably-temporary staff in the background. The house probably has like 3 hundred-foot pools. Their garden is a protected heritage park.

The Waynes are 10x richer than Crazy Rich Asians. They buy and wear the jewelry worth hundreds of millions that belonged to royalty. They own private islands. The art in the house alone is worth more than the GDP of a small country. They went to school with like every US President since Teddy Roosevelt and still think the Rockefellers are new money. They're personal friends with Beyonce and can get her to perform at private parties. They can rent out an entire three-star Michelin restaurant and fly out to one for every date. They have top-line penthouse apartments in every major city in the world. They can buy a luxury sportscar instead of hiring a vehicle anywhere they visit and then just toss the keys to the nearest person on their way out (Arab royalty is known for this appearently. There's been some very lucky parking valets in the UAE iirc).

Bruce is as rich as Ra's Al Ghul, regularly make social calls to heads of state and his family has a history of being king-makers. Every one of Bruce's children, from Dick to Jason to Cass, is poised to inherit one of the largest and most powerful fortunes in the world. That means every time Bruce adopts an orphan off god-knows-where, the entire global elite is thrown into consternation and horror. Even Tim is barely acceptable to these people because he doesn't have the pedigree. I don't follow the reboot comics so Idk if Duke is adopted, but it would be so fucking funny if he was because they'd react a lot like the British establishment did to Meghan Markle (except the family and WE would have Duke's back completely). As for Damian, the fact that he's not white would get him snubbed if everyone who's anyone didn't 100% know who Ra's Al Ghul is. And they're fucking terrified because, for maximum hilarity, they probably figure that Bruce doesn't.

I just find it incredibly fucking funny when I'm reading fics that the writers can only imagine Bruce and the kids's civilian privileges extend only to "big house", "a lot of cars" and "Gotham famous". Lol. Lmao even.

Okay so other than Lucas, none of Steve’s friends care about sports, and even for Lucas, it’s more about actually playing

But one day one or a few of them figure that maybe it’s about time they do Steve’s thing instead of Their thing

And they watch a game on the TV and they just don’t get it. They try to figure out what the commentators are talking about but suddenly it feels like there is so much context missing, even though Steve’s already explained most of the rules - so they ask Steve

And Steve, well, by this point he’s already absorbed in the game so he isn’t thinking about if they’ll care or be bored or think he’s weird, so he just starts rambling

He starts talking about all of the history and culture and politics of the sport. He talks about how certain teams have this rivalry that originates from political issues that have made the fans of the two teams obsessed with getting one over on the other. He talks about team members trading (and they didn’t even know people could switch teams like that, weren’t they supposed to play for their hometown???). And he talks about the racist dynamics that sometimes manifest and the demonstrations that sometimes take place. 

And they realise that maybe they’ve been making a lot of assumptions about something they don’t understand. And also that Steve is a fucking nerd.

Maybe it’s with Robin, and even if she still doesn’t care, they regularly watch sports together just like they regularly watch Robin’s artsy weird films

Maybe it’s with the Dustin, or all the kids, and they don’t really make a habit of it, but they respect his interest and hang out during games sometimes

Maybe it’s Eddie, and while Steve is distractedly rambling about all the information, he’s subtly writing notes, adapting some of this drama to his campaigns, maybe even introducing a gladiatorial fighting competition as a political tool between kingdoms

Maybe it’s Max, and she isn’t nearly as interested as Steve is, but she gets into it, like, yelling at the screen because what was that player thinking and it’s fun to vent her anger into something harmless and boding with Steve

Just… his friends appreciating that sports aren’t one dimensional hobbies for mouthbreathers