Draco: When You Said You Did Magic In Bed, This Isn't What I Was Expe-

[on a date]

me: so, enemies to lovers or friends to lovers?

my date: actually, I prefer established relationships-

me, shoving breadsticks into my purse: I think we’re done here

Erwin: Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

Levi: No, my boyfriend caught me.

Quentin: wow the stars are beautiful tonight

Eliot: yeah they are

Quentin: you know who else is beautiful though?

Eliot: *blushes* who

Quentin: Fillory.

Harry *age 5*: Dad, I can’t feel my leg

James *stares into space*: It’s because your leg is dead

Harry *on the verge of tears*: What?

James: Nah kidding

Harry: Oh

James: Actually I’m not, your leg is really dead and I’m afraid I’ll have to cut it off for good

Harry *already crying*: Mom!!!!

Bucky was insulting him, you know, flirting.

(Based on a scene from Brooklyn 9-9)

richie: [comes home and eddie is waiting for him in the living room]

richie: am i in trouble?

eddie: take a guess

richie: no ??

eddie: take another guess

Draco: what do you call it when someone tries to kill you?

Harry: tuesday.

*phone rings on dec 25th*

Steve: *sleepily* hello?

Billy: Happy chrimmus!

Steve: Billy? what the fuck -

Billy: Is chrismun!

Steve: It's 2am

Billy: Merry crisis!

Steve: I'm so tired

Billy: Merry chrysler!

Steve: please stop