Remember That Even With The Ceasefire, As Violated As It Is, That That Does Not Mean That Anything Is

T Journey Journal Entry #4

Days since start: 12

Almost two weeks into T and I’ve gotten my first period. And lemme tell you this, HOLY FUCK. For the first time in my LIFE my period is manageable. Like I’m talking no cramps, no headaches, such a light flow I can use the smallest pads available, and I didn’t even realize it started bc for the first day there was no blood in my boxers or anything!! I’m staying on this shit for this and this alone what the hell-

Other than that and a little bit more of being an ✨oily boi✨, haven’t seen anything else. Actually, it has gotten more difficult to talk in my regular register, like I’ve had to drop my voice so it doesn’t hurt, so maybe that’s my voice starting to drop naturally? I don’t know, part of me feels like it’s too early to tell((:

Still no luck in finding a job but I’m a little less anxious about it now. Think it’s bc I went out to the club last night and like, interacted with people:)) I also might be hanging out with friends tomorrow so that’s cool:D

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A Reflective Poem on Mamá Filled with What I Wish I Could Say

TW: Grafic Topics

Growing up is so weird because what do you mean my mother is a bio essentialist.

Granted I should’ve seen that coming with the Wicca stuff and the “divine feminine” and the needing to know all my friend’s bio genders and blatant misogyny to other women but like, I’m trans. She named me Sean because it’s my dead uncle’s middle name. She helped me learn how to dress masculinely. Why is it now I’m getting told to “ditch the facial hair” and that I “shouldn’t start testosterone now” and I “should tone down the eyeliner”.

Mamá you filled my head with stories of you being goth in the 90s and showed me the metal cds you got then. Why can’t I do that? Why do you have to look and me and see nothing but a mess of emotions? Will it still be that way when my voice drops? When my facial hair grows in? When my name is changed? How “inate” are these traits you’ve put on me? And why do you keep them there? You don’t even know who I am and you act like you know everything. You don’t.

Growing up is weird bc what do you mean my mom is a narcissist?

Everyone said my dad was one, and they were right, because I ended up being one too. The all-importance, the thinking you can do no wrong, that masculine snark that everyone takes as confidence, I thought it was his, and it is his, it’s mine. It’s the one connection I still have with my dad, my window of understanding of who he is and was, and why he made those decisions at my age. Why I’m never going to be like him

But Mamá what you have is worse. Your narcissism says you can never be wrong. That I in my 19 years of life can never know as much as you do. But if I told you of the clubs and the drugs and the queers I love and the friendships that I hold dearest to my heart you’d never trust me ever again. The shame you carry with you is harder than any shoe thrown in a frightening joke. Mamá I know you lie about my dead uncle. And I know it’s not on purpose, he was absolutely like me. He partied so hard and loved so feverishly that you didn’t know the full extent until he died. He had to die for you to know him. I know he hid from you the way I hide from you, out of self preservation because your way is the all knowing, the divine, and god forbid you learn the nuance of life

Growing up is weird because what do you mean my mom is bisexual

She told me about it when I was 12 and came out to her. She was the first person to explain trans people to me. Maybe that’s why she hates me being trans, I don’t do it in her definition. I was too young, I was too feminine, and even now the heels and the skirts and the wigs and the endless eyeshadow pallets are a testament to how I’m not the “right kind” of trans. Does she know it’s not because I’m secretly going to “switch back” to being a girl. Does she know that I do drag. Does she know about my three drag dads. Does she know about the trans women I cry to when she says I don’t have my life together. Does she know why.

Mamá I will never tell you why. I will never tell you about being groomed and trafficked and drugged with a fake prescription and doing all the house work for a woman I was terrified of. You met that woman. I said she was my roommate. But even if you knew the truth you wouldn’t have helped me. You would’ve shamed me. That’s all you ever do, that’s all you’re ever filled with, and no matter what happens to me it’s all you have to offer now. The shame for my clothes for my hair for my body if you ever saw it for the parts of me you can’t see and never ever will

Growing up is strange

Because what do you mean my mom is abusive too

She was never supposed to be that

Mamá do you know that I want to die?

Rest in Power, Edward Crawford. 

since it’s a scary time to be trans: refuge restrooms is an app which maps gender-neutral/single-stall restrooms. it’s community-mapped, so it’s possible you might be the first person to log the restroom locations, but hopefully it’ll help some people.

please reblog this post if you’ve got trans followers. stay safe.

Its about to be real lucrative to be a snitch. Guard your information. And guard your friends information.

Reblog if it’s ok for people to give you $599.99

Keep your messaging simple:

“Trump fired everyone in charge of airplane safety, and a week later planes started crashing into each other.”

That’s it. That’s the messaging. Don’t get bogged down disputing Trump’s false claims. Just blame him, in short and repeatable sentences.

btw the palestinian children’s relief fund is currently running a fundraiser & is more than halfway to their goal of $10,000 !

here’s a link for anyone who is willing & able to donate, please share so it can reach more people, especially as the weather grows colder & these children are desperately lacking resources.

(at $5,314 / $10,000 as of December 1)