“we Should Be Mad At The Duffers,” I Say Into The Microphone. The Crowd Boos.

Okay but Loki helping the reader with their self esteem is something I need

self-esteem was something you had always struggled with

it didn’t matter how many tricks you tried, how much time you spent convincing yourself that you were better than your mind was making you believe

you just couldn’t seem to get yourself to budge on the matter

and most of the times, you could deal with it

with self-deprecating humor and bad jokes

but sometimes things got to be a little much

and it would just weigh a little bit too heavily on you

and you’d get a little down about

just sort of keep to yourself, not want to talk to anyone

Loki knew it was something you struggled with

and was always willing to sit with you and talk you down

and just be there for you until you were feeling a little better

Loki would always, without fail, have a pep talk ready for you

after making sure you were bundled up nice and warm in a blanket

with your favorite warm drink

and your favorite snack

“I understand you’re feeling a little self-conscious right now, and really don’t want to have the focus on yourself, and that’s okay. That is completely alright. I’ll keep it short and sweet, and then we’ll watch dumb cat videos. The only catch is that you have to listen and not disagree, alright?”

and you look at them a little suspiciously, unsure what they’re going to say

but nod

mostly because you know Loki won’t let the matter just go away

and Loki nods, as well

“I think you’re a wonderful person. I think you’re funny, and smart, and so very, very brave. You don’t give yourself enough credit for everything you’ve been through, for everything that you’re willing to do. You’re strong. You’re an asset to this team, and everyone loves having you here. You are worth so much more than you believe, and if I have to tell you that every day, I will if it means you might start to believe it. I’ll leave it at that, for now, but just know that I love and care for you, a lot. We all do.”

and you’d already been on the verge of tears

and this certainly didn’t help matters

and you end up sniffling

and rubbing at your eyes with a fist

and when you speak, it’s in a quiet little voice

“Thanks, Loki… That really means a lot.”

and Loki can tell you just need a hug

so they go to sit next to you

and just wrap you up in a warm hug

“Anytime, Y/N.”

you never make it to the cat videos

but that’s okay

because you’re actually feeling okay and happy and warm

and that is far more important

Loki: Okay, yes. I may be morally corrupt.

Loki: But I’m also incredibly hot and I think that makes up for it honestly.

If you think overturning Roe vs Wade was a win today, from the bottom of my heart, go fuck yourself.

There's good fanfictions and then there's those fanfictions that take you by the hand and whisper words of gold in your ears and gently guide you through unexplored lands and they could say the wildest thing about your favorite character and you'd instantly trust them

Dream Of Me | tasm!p.p

summary: this is something I thought of writing for @agnesamarantheastwood after I saw a personal post about her suffering from insomnia. V, you are the sweetest person ever, I really hope this makes you feel somehow happy and so very hugged, you're also a part of what made me come back to writing in here, so this is also a thank you.

In which Peter comforts reader after waking up to a panic attack caused by a heavy insomnia episode coming from his girlfriend.

pairing: Peter Parker (tasm!) x reader

genre: fluffy, comfort

involves: crying, cuddling, disney, top tier boyfriend!peter, a clueless author trying her best to write about insomnia

word count: 1,9k

Peter and you were dating for four months now, and you got to tell him once or twice about your troubled sleep schedule. He knew how melatonin pills and other meds usually helped you sleep and that you never got to the point of running out from those, either carrying them in your purse for nights at his house or travels or keeping a tidy mini stock of them on your bathroom counter.

However, Peter failed to notice how, even with the pills still there –though the stock remained untouched–, you were not really functioning to the best of your capacity. You kept yawning and the bags you usually already had under your eyes were now a deeper color each day, but you didn't mind running out of concealer sooner as long as it kept you from having that conversation with a worried Peter.

The truth is; for the four months-time you were dating, your boyfriend never got to see when insomnia got the worse of you. Peter never met the really sleep-deprived y/n, and that encounter kinda scared you. You knew that it wouldn't take long for it to get harder and harder for you to sleep, –you even though this time it was taking too long for another crisis–, but gosh it felt so good how you weren't taking longer than usual to fall in a deep slumber, so you decided to just enjoy that.

You were scared that the minute Parker met with the harsher consequences of you not having proper sleep, the second he caught you unfocused, zoning out and forgetting so many things like you knew you ended up doing on your worst cases, he'd realize it could be maybe a little too much, and maybe he'd leave.

You had to give Peter some credit, he has been nothing but a sweetheart to you, but the tiniest possibility of overwhelming your boyfriend –who was already busy with his own problems that felt like the weight of the whole city– left you feeling like you were too much work to him and it was unfair.

So this thought just added up to your anxiety as you tossed and turned in bed a little after two in the morning trying to find a good position for your body to just rest and sinfully thinking nonstop about how much sleep-time you already lost and everything you'll have to do tomorrow as your eyelids were firmly shut. gosh, you had to wake up at six.

You didn't even realize your body was shaking. Peter did though, –even if he was lucky to have already dozed off, he always noticed the breakdown of things, claiming that it was like he had an exclusive spidey-sense just for you.– Your boyfriend rolled up in the bed hugging you from behind, still lightly asleep, but that didn't help. Instead, you felt trapped and uneasy and you didn't know how to approach that in the absolute middle of the night.

You sighed, throat burning as you gulped, finally taking your phone out of under the pillow and putting it on the bedside desk, you had to try it one more time, you had to sleep.

You felt so absolutely conscious about everything around you and about your tucked body forming almost a ball of limbs under Peter's left arm, –which felt heavier than ever–. Peter cleared his throat as he opened his eyes, waking up alarmed by your troubled atmosphere. You were shaking.

"Hey..." His voice sounded raspy but firm. Peter took his hand away from your waist. "y/n, turn over, look at me... look at me," Peter cooed. As you turned over, he stared at your wide-eyed, distressed form and frowned just a little bit. "Hi," Peter said, you sniffled in response.

"It's okay, I'm here, look at me," He kept staring deep into your eyes, giving instructions so you would calm down "It's okay baby, I'm here now," Peter finally decided to touch you again, aiming his hand towards your shoulder, you hiccuped for air, still feeling that burning sensation on your throat. "Wow, you're sweating- breathe for me, okay? slowly... We need to slow this down, nice and soft."

Even if your boyfriend was the only one doing the talking, he didn't demand an immediate response from you as he noticed you slowly coming back to your senses and following his directions, eyes piercing through his as well, letting out long, shaky breaths. "Attagirl, you're doing amazing!", As your breathing pace came slowly back to normal, Peter's concealed fear was subsided, relief taking over. Of course, he has done it before, calming people down after rescuing some of them during building fires and other situations, he has never, though, calmed someone he deeply cared for during a situation he didn't know the reason. To see you cooling down meant to Peter that he was doing a good job, and, most importantly, that you'll be fine.

"Hold on to me, okay? Everything is okay, it's just me and you...," when you finally looked a bit more present, you were lying on top of him, holding onto him with both arms and an apologetic look on your face, "panic attack?" Peter finally asked, trying to understand what brought you to that previous state, you shook your head lightly, showing a thin smile, "I can't sleep." You stated simply but sighed deeply avoiding to stress over it again.

"Aww babe, I'm sorry; I just woke up and I felt something was wrong and then I heard your heart beating..."

"Sorry I woke you up, Pete." Guilt washed over a part of you, either you woke him up or he really did feel like something was going on and you disturbed his sleep.

Peter smiled reassuringly; "There's nothing to be sorry about, it's a good thing I'm here." You noticed how his features still looked sleepy, he ran a hand through your hair. "Keep breathing deep and slow. It's all good, beautiful, you're doing very good."

He chuckled under you, "You know, you should really consider keeping me around, I'm gonna have my uses..." He joked. When he woke up, feeling you shaking and listening to your loud heartbeat, his train of thought didn't fail to give him a lot of terrible-case scenarios and then some. He had yet to know if the lack of sleep you mentioned was caused by anything, or if he was experiencing the first time you had an insomnia case by his side. The possibility that his presence gave you anxiety made his heart feel small.

"Yeah? So I can use you?" You chuckled, giving a little twist to his joke. It was weird how cozy you felt right now even though your mind kept racing with different outcomes of Peter understanding the whole of your condition.

"Yeah you can use me anytime you want!" Peter's laugh probably would be considered too loud for the late hour as he blinked an eye at you. For a few moments, the both of you fell in silence, and the boy could still hear your rapid heartbeat. "Oh, wow! Your heart is still racing!" he whispered; as you frowned, he placed one of his hands over yours on top of your chest, waiting for a few seconds so you could feel the rhythm yourself. "See, that's crazy!" As you admired his surprise, Peter fell quiet for a short moment, before he could continue:

"Haering your heartbeat like this... feeling it, so fast... I don't like it, you know?" He rhetorically asked, chuckling a bit, "It makes me think like, I don't know like you're so fragile... I wanna take care of you" Peter concluded, preventing himself from rambling as he made his way to getting up, offering you some water. You stopped him by grabbing his arm, shaking your head slightly, "No, no, no I want you here."

"It's okay," He smiled, relaxing "I can stay, I'm not going anywhere- oh wait let me get a candle." Peter used of his already lifted torso and reached for your bedside table across from you. While he lit the candle with an electric lighter, you appreciated his caring aura, looking at his beautiful traces.

"You're staring." you smiled after hearing that, your boyfriend was back at your side, hugging you a bit. Deciding that you were silent for too long, you started to explain how you felt, trying your best to find the right words. "It just that, like, when it reaches a point when I'm really not sleeping, I get so out of it Pete, really, plus I could just black out anywhere sometimes because I'm so tired but my body won't accept proper sleep at the right time and-"

Peter sighed, using his tongue to wet his lips a little, "You know, when you're awake in the middle of the night, especially when going through a phase like that or when these things are on your mind, I wanna be awake too." You turned your head to look at him as if he had just said the craziest thing.

"I don't want you to be alone when you're in a moment like this... Come here, wait." It was as if he just thought of something really fast; Peter got up from bed, throwing his blanket a little, and you were onto doing the same when he quickly grabbed you bridal style, cooing something like "Come here my baby", he carried you two through the small hallway that divided the rooms on his suit, it felt messy as you kept the fluffy cover on your hands, and you giggled, asking him "What are you doing?" in a low tone.

As he got to the living room, Peter placed you on the couch and turned to the tv, looking for the remote. You sat comfortably with the blanket over you and legs tucked close to your upper body. Peter had put on Disney+, he knew a little about your comfort movies and tales, stuff that felt like small talk as you shared them on your first dates, but that he actually did remember.

"You know, If you don't sleep through this one we can put on Sleeping Beauty," Peter gave you a side smile while going to sit beside you, remote in hand and the old animation story of Robin Hood loading on the TV screen. "Ironically I know it's one of your faves." Peter continued as he made himself comfortable.

As the Rooster started to sing the Whistle Stop, barely a minute into the movie, your boyfriend started scratching your neck, feeling content when you hummed. "You remember the first time you told me you suffered from insomnia..? We were, like, two months in and you were having a little trouble to sleep?" You put your head on his shoulder, "I told you I'm okay with that. 100%, beautiful. I'm lucky to be with you regardless," His hand now caressed the place in between your ear and the nape of your neck and you closed your eyes, both enjoying the sensation of his touch, the song, and the feeling of relief that washed over you knowing that Peter would stick around, through heaven or high water.

"I love every itty bit of you", he hushed, you smiled, slowly turning your head to look at him again, "everything?"

"Yeah, even your toes, even your weird big one." Peter provoked, taking a loud cackle from you as he failed on shushing through his giggles. "Oh, no... that was bad." He could sense your smile through your voice as you moved your head back to his shoulder, scootching a bit so you were cuddling.

"I'm always at your service, m'kay? Babe, I love you." You felt completely relaxed as Peter murmured, eyes finally closing again as you now drifted off, finally, to the sound of your boyfriend's breathing and a comfort movie.

change

a/n: yes. i did not know what to call this. sorry. also sorry for the slow-fast-slow-slow-really fast thing ? its how I felt, reading it. but tbh I didn't proof read as much. so plot holes, gigantic plot holes.

pairing: loki x f!reader; enemies to lovers.

request:

word count: 5936

warnings: um i think theres like hints of suicide mentions. death. oh also depression metions. lmk if you find anything else

a/a/n: my 2nd request! anon didnt give me a pronoun preference, so i did a f!reader. hope i did you justice with the story, anon.

oh another a/n bc i cant stop talking: i had to write the beginning about 3 times. I like slow development, and a one shot with enemies to lovers AND a kiss seemed rlly hard to write, but nevertheless. also omg the amount of research I did for this.

taglist: @theaudacitytowrite @gaitwae lmk if u want to be added!

//

2 months. That’s how long y/n had been holed up in the Avenger’s towers. Sure, she appreciated the amenities and the other various provisions, but she had to leave. She was sick and tired of “playing a part to help”. That’s what the doctor—Baron Strucker—told her before she was ruthlessly experimented on, and that’s what SHIELD told her when she was rescued. Of course, at one point in her life, she had thought of doing something for the world, but now? All she wanted now was some peace. She simply wanted to resign into the flow of life and its rigorous cycles of life and death, go wherever fate led her. Oh, what she would do for a little cabin in the woods—she would go berry picking every day with a little golden dog that she would love more than life. She would enjoy the solace, her mind thrumming with happiness as she took in the simplest worldly pleasures. But instead, she was stuck here, “training” so she could “save the world”. She wished she could simply tuck her abilities away, pretend they never existed.

‘You have the ability to manipulate binding energy,’ they had said to her. Apparently, she could alter the structural—sometimes molecular constitution of any object or substance in her vicinity. Her younger self would cherish her powers, but right now, y/n would do anything to live a normal life. Just when she thought her life couldn’t be worse, she was ordered to train with a said god to enhance her deranged abilities. Loki—the God of Lies and Mischief—also possessed a set of powers, rather on similar lines as hers. Except, he could manipulate his surroundings and create new things to suit his needs, while y/n’s abilities were all about destruction. She could tear anything—anything apart, regardless of how tight its atomic constituent was. It certainly scared her, the fact that she had still not managed to get her powers to work at her will, but almost everyone assured her that she would soon. Except Loki. He told her that she would never be able to wield her abilities to their full extent, that she would never be a hero. Surprisingly, she agreed. She was too unstable to control them, she had felt it. Every time she tried summoning her powers, nothing would happen. Not even when she stretched her arms out and everything. But oh, when she got mad, boom! Everything around her would literally explode! She had seen the look in people’s eyes when she caused something like that. Monster, they would say. No matter how unintentional it was, she still had those memories ingrained in her mind; after all, they visited her every night in her nightmares.

“Get away from me!” the woman yelled with her child limp in her arms, tears streaming down her face. Her lip wobbled as she tried to contain what was left of her sanity.

“I’m only trying to help- “ y/n stammered, her hands shaking. What had she done?

“He is dead, because of you. You are done trying to help. Get away from me, you monster!” the woman yelled, shoving at her—and that’s when all of y/n’s bodily functions stopped, her heart running cold. She was a monster.

She sighed loudly. Every other day, she would wake up breathing so heavily, FRIDAY would ask her if she needed a doctor. Her skin would be coated with sweat; it would drip down her chin when she sat up. Her heart would beat so hard against her ribs, almost as if it would tear off and run away screaming. But not for long, she would promise herself. No one would get hurt at her expense. She needed the perfect plan to escape the Avengers—she was smart enough to know that if she was caught, she wouldn’t be given the same liberty she had now. There would always be eyes on her, and she would never be able to leave. They’d probably put a camera in her room, even perhaps put a transmitter in her skin, and that was something she was wholly against.

“Knock-knock, time for training!” Steve’s cheery voice rang outside y/n’s door.

Mustering the best happy voice possible, she called back, “Be right there!” Sighing, she shifted out of her sheets and headed for the shower. She had a long day before she could commit to her planning.

Loki warmed up in the empty room. Or he tried to. He was mostly just flipping his dagger in his hand, his chest jittering in nervousness, but his face always the cold neutral mask. He was supposed to train y/n every day, and it was getting on his last nerve. Sure, the Midgardian was very much gifted, but he was much worried for her. Not to mention the things he seemed to be… feeling for her. He told himself it was only because she was a lot like him. She simply needed a mentor. So why couldn’t he be what she needed? He could see how hard she struggled to control the energy within her, he could see how she was in need of desperate help. Yet, he was harsher with her than he was with the other heroes, never missing an opportunity to wound her verbally. She needed to stay away from him, and since Rogers wouldn’t honor his wishes about not wanting to be y/n’s instructor, the only way for him to make sure he wouldn’t have to spend any longer with her was to have her despise him so much, that she asked Steve to stop her training with him. She was a new addition to the group, so most obviously the soldier would make sure that she got whatever she needed like the honorable, benevolent captain he was. But what surprised him was how y/n seemed to agree with every insult he shot at her. He would call her worthless, and she wouldn’t even blink an eye at him. He would tell her that she was insignificant, that she was simply dead weight to the Avengers, and she would simply gesture at him to continue with the training and hurry back to the sanctity of the room the moment they were done for the day. Most obviously, he could see that she was planning something, but what?

y/n channeled another wave of white energy through her fingers towards him, screaming. But all her effort couldn’t even shake the god from his stance. She inhaled again, charging at him. Combat, he had said to her. Today, she was working on implementing the energy around her in combat, and she was not doing well. She threw a weakly made fist at him, him easily dodging. She turned around, stretching her leg in the air, a kick aimed for the face. He gripped her calf as she laid one hand on his chest. Just when he thought it was over, she channeled a small burst of energy at him, causing him to stumble back, pulling her with him. She fell against him onto the floor, her face inches away from his. She stared into his green, green eyes—they were like little droplets of rainwater. Not entirely blue, but not exactly colorless either. Just pale, almost transparent, with the littlest specks of green and gray. It looked like the sky, just before it would begin to snow. Shivers ran up her spine, she could feel the chill of the crisp color. It reminded her of a gentle breeze before an obvious storm. Subconsciously, she leaned towards him, before Loki pushed her off of him, bringing her back to her senses. His heart thundered in his chest. She had almost kissed him, and he would have let her. He had to end this. Now.

“And what in Midgard was that?” Loki’s steely voice came a few seconds later. Y/n said nothing. She simply lay on the floor, staring at the ceiling. She wasn’t one to explain her internal torment, especially not to someone who seemed to hate her so much. She shut her eyes, regretting letting her guard down. He looked at her with no expression on his face, except a slight scorn adorning his lips—she thought it was because of how sweaty she looked with her clothes drenched and her lungs screaming for oxygen. Oh, what she would do if she had known otherwise.

“I asked you a question.” His voice came again, baritone as ever. Y/n ran that voice over in her head. That sweet, euphonious voice that coated his words like icing on a cake. But the angelic voice he had just never suited the tone in which he spoke with her. She wondered how he would sound when he spoke to a lover. She thought of sweet whispers of secret love, his cool, calm voice, and shuddered. Perhaps in another life, she would have done something for the attraction she felt towards him. Perhaps if she were a different person, someone stronger, smarter, someone without as many problems, she would honor the urge she felt in her mind every time her eyes landed on him. It angered her how HYDRA had stolen her life from her in just a short amount of time, her last moments of leading a normal, content life snatched away from her like taking candy from a baby.

Loki watched her as she struggled to channel her energy towards the target. She was distracted, and it was not because of their “moment” earlier. Every time she readied herself to harness the energy around her, a wisp of a look would pass her eyes and she would falter. He wondered what caused that.

“Get up, mortal. I do not have all day.”

y/n was done. She couldn’t do anything more for the day. The boy’s face engulfed her mind, the cries of his mother filling her ears. What was she thinking? She did not deserve love. Not after what she did. She was only trying to help.

“Now!” Loki ordered, his foot slightly kicking hers in an attempt to bring her back from wherever her mind had drifted. He saw how her eyes became glassy-- as if she was indulging in an old memory. Almost as if it pained her to witness the same repeatedly. He tried calming his feral heart. He wondered when his mind had given up on all reasoning, letting him feel the wrath of his little pumping organ.

Now, her anger was directed towards him. Who was he to tell her what to do? She didn’t have to follow anyone’s orders, much less his. She was the only one who trained day and night, and at what expense? Loki’s amusement? No thanks.

“No.” she deadpanned; her eyes still focused on the ceiling.

“I beg your pardon?” he sputtered at her incredulous response.

Meeting his eyes with her still glassy ones, she repeated. “I said no.”

Loki stared at her for a moment. The Midgardian had just defied his direct order. She surely was something else. He studied her eyes, how the e/c irises seemed almost devoid of any life. His heart yearned to comfort her, betraying his quiet mind with its stranger intentions.

Shaking his head, he said again, “I will have to report you, then.”

“Go ahead.” Anyone was smart enough to know that was the last thing Loki would do. He wasn’t one to approach the Captain, especially not for such insolent matters. What was y/n playing at?

“Do you really take me for a fool? When I ask you to get up, you do as I say. Or did you forget I am your instructor?” he said, his voice edging with a warning. Y/n was now getting on his last nerve.

She stared at him, her eyes never leaving his. She wasn’t going to do it. No one orders her around; she was now a free individual. Isn’t that what SHIELD told her when she was rescued? She could do as she liked, unlike how it was when she was being… experimented on.

“I’m not doing it. I told you I was done for the day. I am going to leave,” she said, getting up from her place on the floor. Loki watched her, still bewildered. He had thought a lot of things about her, but he never thought she would be so bold. Who was she? How would she have been, if she wasn’t made to endure the torture that she had? Would she be happy, smile that brilliant smile? Would her eyes radiate the joy that he had seen only in her older pictures? When she was wild and full of life, when she was free?

He whipped his hand around, green strands of seidr erupting from his fingertips, and y/n was back in front of him again, instead of at the door. He wouldn’t let this happen again. This was the end of his time with y/n. He had to get a grip over his foolish heart.

“Hey!” she yelled, her hands clenching. She could feel the anger surge deep in her. Could he not let her be? She wanted to be alone after the embarrassment she had caused herself. Oh, how she regretted it.

Loki couldn’t help the little smirk on his face. He watched as she took a deep breath and glared at him before turning to leave again. He snapped his fingers, and there she was again, in front of him, ugly anger simmering in the pit of her stomach.

“You are no match for me, and you never will be. So you might as well treat me with some respect,” he spat, his heart stuttering for a moment in response to his harshness. But he might as well do it. He couldn’t train with her, not if he was going to have confused “feelings” festering in his heart. He had to make sure she went to Steve asking for a change of training instructors, it was for the best.

Breathing again, y/n tried to keep the anger down. She knew what happened the last time she had felt such anger. Monster.

“Let me go,” she spat, her eyes sharp.

“Worthless. That’s what you are,” he teased, his heart still thumping hard against his ribcage. It seemed to tell him, don’t do it! don’t! But when had he ever listened to his heart? Especially when it was being so unreasonable?

“We already established that. Let me leave,” she said, her breathing shallow. “Please,” she added a second later. She had to regain control of the energy festering in her core. No, no, no, her conscious chanted.

“You can’t be an Avenger with just powers, y/l/n. You need skill.” He said, his voice laced with venom his heart didn’t intend for.

y/n studied his eyes, wondering where he was going with this. Surely, he couldn’t know of her countless mess-ups…

Finish it! His mind yelled at him.

“You couldn’t even save him,” he whispered, never leaving her eyes. Of course. Of course, he had read her file. Why wouldn’t he have? Her killing someone was no news in a tower full of heroes. After all, accidents were what made the best of them. He watched as her eyes widened and her lip quivered, before her irises narrowed into slits, and gritted her teeth. And that was when all hell broke loose.

“You have no idea what I’ve been through.” She whispered, her voice colder than ice. A shiver ran up his spine. A moment ago, she was so close to breaking apart, but now she looked like a statue set in stone, her teeth baring out, snarling at him.

“As a matter of fact, I do,” Crack, went his heart. He sighed internally as he braced himself.

“It’s pathetic. You are pathetic.” He managed to breathe out before he was thrown back into the walls, the steel around him suddenly shattering, exploding everywhere. He summoned his daggers in a flash, only to land his eyes on a now levitating y/n, her body suspended in mid-air as she glared at him with completely white eyes, glowing like the morning light. Her hands were now fists at her sides, sheer power radiating around them. Wisps of white strands of energy looped around her figure, making her look almost ethereal. Her hair floated around her as if they were disturbed by a slight breeze. Electric. That was what she was.

y/n didn’t know what happened. One moment she was in pieces, her heart about to shatter at his accusation, and the next moment she was suspended in air, feeling such power in her bones, as if she could do anything.

“I am not pathetic.” She said, her voice sweet as honey. She scrunched her eyebrows. That was not what she sounded like. It was almost as if the energy around her caused the sound to resonate, her voice reverberating against itself, causing multiple tones. Either way, it was all so beautiful, even Loki was mesmerized for a second.

y/n looked down at her hands, the white energy swimming between her fingertips, ready to strike. Monster, she remembered. This is what had happened before the boy had died. Before she had killed him. She simply reached out to him, and she had somehow sucked the energy out of him. She hadn’t told anyone how she felt at that moment. She felt power. True, raw power, almost as if the boy’s energy had transferred into her. It destroyed her how she could feel such ecstasy at the price of one’s life. It disgusted her. He’s right. You are worthless. A monster. You deserve to rot.

She fell to her knees, all that power quickly dissipating with a metallic thrum, leaving a smell of electricity in the air, like something had been singed. She held her hands to her heart, wishing she could rip it out. Could she, perchance? With tears streaming down her face, she met a fascinated Loki’s eyes. It was almost as if he was excited. Like HYDRA was, when they first witnessed their superweapon in action. She scrunched her eyebrows, her voice laced with venom, “I hate you.” Pushing herself up, she ran. She didn’t know where she wanted to go, she simply ran. Hands pumping beside her, her legs weeping under the stress of the running. She didn’t stop. She couldn’t. After all, she didn’t deserve it. She let the pain seep into her muscles, her tendons screaming at the lack of aeration. She sobbed again; the ball of pain still lodged in her throat. She turned back to the Avenger’s tower. She was leaving tonight.

----

She shoved some clothes in a duffel, her carefully curated plan of many months forgotten. It had been too long, too long of spending a comfortable time in the tower, getting everything she needed. She didn’t deserve any of it, not after what she had done.

Sniffing, she wiped at the tears on her cheeks haphazardly. She put on a plain black shirt with grey jeans and combat boots and walked out of her room. She would run far, far away where she could hurt no one and keep her abilities tucked away for good. She made her way to the kitchen, deciding to sneak through the back doors of the cafeteria. The cameras wouldn’t be operative in those sectors, she would be able to make it out of the compound rather easily. Pushing the door open, she made sure not to make any noise. Just because the cameras weren’t functioning, she couldn’t afford to be calm. She had to be faster in getting out. Hugging the wall, she shifted her way into the kitchen, her eyes scanning for any heroes nearby. She could hear Thor’s snores coming from a nearby room. She turned towards the center table, and her heart leaped as she instinctively ducked. Loki. Of all days, the insomniac had chosen this day to stay up and read late in the night. He hummed a little tune as he prepared his tea. Little did y/n know that one of the reasons he couldn’t sleep that night was because of her. He simply couldn’t get over how he had hurt her. His heart convulsed whenever he saw the image of her tear-streaked face, her eyes focused on the energy radiating off her hands like she had seen something terrible. A monster. He wished he had picked something else to drive her mad over. He turned around to fetch himself his favorite honey and lemon tea bag, his eyes catching some quick movement. A little more assessment revealed to him that it was none other than y/n. He stayed calm, minding his own business. Why was she here? Maybe she needed a midnight snack? He had sometimes heard her screaming in her room, possibly from nightmares, did she have another one now? But why was she hiding from him?

y/n shifted behind the wall again. She was certain he had seen her, the little shift in his demeanor—the sudden stiffness of his body being on alert gave his neutral face away. She stepped away from the wall. She would have to fight her way through. Loki had seen her at her peak, and not to mention how he too once wanted nothing to do with the Avengers, so perhaps he would be more thoughtful and simply let her go.

“Hello, y/n,” Loki said, without looking up from his cup. Perhaps this was a confrontation? y/n had never once lost her cool in front of him, not even when he degraded her with the vilest of insults. Maybe she wanted him to apologize? Stop thinking, he chided at himself. She hasn’t even said anything yet.

He finally glanced at her, only to freeze. She looked like she was up and ready to go, hair away from her face, comfortable clothes, and… a bag. Not any bag. A duffel bag. Her eyes were puffy, her nose red—like she had been crying. She never cried. This only meant one thing. She was running away.

“What are you doing?” he asked, his voice soft, his mind cautious of her movements. If she was planning on sneaking away, he was an obstacle she had come across at the last minute. A hurdle she would have to cross.

y/n stared at him for a moment. Would he let her go? “Leaving.” She said, her voice as soft as his. Maybe a display of some emotion would help her.

Loki waited for a beat. “Why?” he questioned.

y/n felt her anger simmer again. Why was she always being interviewed, all her actions always questioned? It was like she was back at HYDRA, always being told what to do, never being able to do what she wanted without begging for permission. Nothing was different from HYDRA and the Avengers headquarters, except for the fact that the Avengers provided some twisted sort of so-called freedom. She was going to be made to hurt people if her energy was continued to be harnessed. But she wouldn’t allow that. Not again.

“Because.” She wondered what to say. She could have threatened him, but that would only make him warier of her. But with being calm, if all goes down, she would still have an advantage over him, and might just be able to make a narrow escape.

“Because…” Loki said, motioning at her to continue. It irritated him how he could still have feelings festering for her when she could annoy him easily by simply wasting words.

Y/n sighed through her nose. Perhaps she would have to threaten him. “As much as I loved our training,” she scoffed, “I believe it's time for me to leave. I do not belong here.”

What was she saying? Of course, she belonged here, it was him who didn’t belong. She was so powerful, and no matter how much she tried to deny it, she had a kind heart. He had seen how she smiled at little moments subconsciously—he was there when she had petted a little stray puppy, assuming that no one was looking. But he watched. He watched as she smiled sadly, her eyes betraying her strong poise. She giggled lightly as the pup tried to lick her face, her hands reaching out to scratch its fur. He smiled, his heart wishing her life had a better story to live.

“I’m afraid I don’t take your meaning,” he breathed, his eyes never leaving hers. He noticed how they flickered down to the ground for a moment, before returning to connect with his, a new fire lighting them up.

You’re a monster! Get away! y/n could hear the woman screaming at her. She would fight Loki and leave, or she would die trying to get past him. Either was fine, as long as she would never, ever have to use her cursed abilities again.

“Because I want to. And you cannot stop me,” she whispered, her voice hinting at the tiniest of a threat. Please, she wanted to add.

“I’m afraid I cannot do so.” He whispered sternly, setting his cup down. He had caught the threat in her voice. He only wanted her to be away from him, but he seemed to have taken it too far. She was going to leave, and his heart wouldn’t let that happen. How would she fend for herself? She wasn’t even stable. What if another accident took place, and this time she was in the center of it? she could barely deal with the death of the little boy, how would she deal with herself if her abilities had gotten the best of her again? It would destroy her, entirely, and his stubborn heart wouldn’t let that happen to her, not when he knew he could have done something to prevent it.

y/n’s heart thumped loudly. Would she be able to fight her way past Loki? Her energy was stronger, but his seidr was quicker. Sneakier. “Suit yourself,” she whispered back, before taking a step towards him. Her eyes began to glow white, a brilliant light that could magic anyone, as her hands summoned power. Ringlets of white swam around her like wisps of smoke. One last time, she told herself. One last time, and she wouldn’t ever have to use her abilities again. Not that she was any good anyway. Loki breathed through his nose, trying to calm his speeding heart. He could never get over how beautiful her form was.

“Move,” she said, her voice echoing, ricocheting against itself. Beauty. Beauty that a monster like her didn’t deserve. It couldn’t hurt to try for a last compromise before forcing her way out.

Loki huffed. He didn’t realize y/n would put use of her gifts. It mildly surprised him, that she would summon her energy to get past him. Countless times where she could have used her abilities for little things like he did, she never did. That hesitation he usually saw in her eyes, that quiver in her lips, the slight shaking of her fingers—he could see none of them. It was as if that one barricade that usually disabled her from ensuring basic jurisdiction over her abilities now fuelled her desire to escape. He summoned his seidr, green fibers of satin-like seidr erupting from his fingertips. He wouldn’t hurt her. Never.

y/n clenched her hands into fists, feeling the energy fighting to leave her. She was simply a mediator; she couldn’t create energy. She simply took the energy from one place and deposited it in another. Shutting her eyes, she felt it swirl in her gut, hissing and crackling like electricity. One last time. Never again. Breathing out slowly, she kept her hands outstretched and opened her palms, letting the energy leave her through her fingertips. It felt like hours, this little action of hers, but little did she know this took a mere few nanoseconds.

One moment Loki had summoned his seidr, the green filaments tickling the insides of his fingertips; and the next, he was thrown across the kitchen, his vision blurring. How had she suddenly acquired the capability of harnessing such energy? He squeezed his eyes shut before opening them. Where were the rest of the Avengers? Surely, they would have heard the commotion by now? Wanda and Pietro were y/n’s only friends, they would definitely be able to calm her, so where were they? He held his hands to his chest, his mind still dazed from the impact. He laughed internally. How long had it been since he had taken a hit so hard? He scanned the room, noticing the shimmer of her power around it. She had created some sort of force field that kept all activity of her abilities inside it, like a containment—preventing an accidental explosion. Clever. Perhaps the field contained sound too, which was probably why the others weren’t alerted.

y/n wanted to scream. Just one little energy blast. That was all it took her to veritably destroy a god. She had brought a god down to his knees in just a few seconds, and power still surged within her bones. She truly was a monster. She shut her eyes, slowly letting the energy dissipate from her body. Sure, the force field would have prevented a mishap, but she wouldn’t have it. This was the last time she would use her “gift”, and she would control it entirely, not the other way round. She met Loki’s eye’s once more, his green pale eyes—and wished things would have been different for the umpteenth time. Little did she know, he wished for the same thing.

Loki’s chest felt heavy, like he carried a huge anchor on his back. What had he done? He couldn’t lose her—he had to fix his mess. He teleported himself in front of her, blocking the exit. He wasn’t strong enough to stop her, but he knew what to do this time.

y/n gasped. She walked right into Loki, he had teleported himself in front of her and she had reacted too slowly. His hands help her by her shoulders, warmth radiating off of his palms. She could feel it through the thick material of her t-shirt.

“y/n,” he breathed. “You are making a mistake.”

Ignoring her thrashing heart, she managed to whisper, sarcasm edging into her voice. “Really?”

He shook her lightly. He wished he could take it all back. It was all his fault. He had destroyed what little resolve she had in her. He could see it in her e/c eyes. The lifelessness, the withering of her very soul.

“I was wrong. You are more than worthy. You did not deserve what HYDRA and Strucker did to you,” he said, his eyes searching hers. He wished he could tell her everything he felt, speaking in a language could never truly express what one felt in their heart.

y/n scoffed. Oh, how she wanted to believe him. “You are only saying these things to stop me from leaving. But here’s the thing. I have made my decision,” she said, her voice sullen, giving her away. Monster, monster, monster, you do not deserve to live, her mind chanted.

“I am not a hero,” she concluded, the lump in her throat choking her. “I have killed people. I am a monster.” And at that moment, it was as if a huge weight had released her, but her heart felt like it was hanging by a thread. Her revelation had caused her a short-termed relief, but by confessing her darkest secret, she had acknowledged its truth, and somehow it made everything worse.

“y/n,” Loki said again. Was he too late? Was she gone forever? “I may be the God of Lies, but right now, this very moment, I need you to trust me.” Leaning in towards her, he continued, his voice soft, like how y/n had imagined once too many times. “You are not a monster. When you know what you’ve done, when you regret your actions, you prove that you aren’t a monster. You prove to the world that you are as human as one could possibly be, you prove to yourself that you are deserving of forgiveness. It may take more time, even years, but you will learn to forgive yourself, you will learn to accept yourself as who you are. I am well aware that my previous actions have done nothing to help you, and I must admit that was awfully foolish and hasty on my part—courtesy of the little secret feelings I have recently begun to harbor for you,” he paused, running his tongue across his lower lip. He had just confessed his little secret. y/n looked at him with teary eyes, and at that moment he could see all the pain she felt, he could feel everything she felt. “I see you; I see myself in you—and you must believe me when I tell you that though you may never move on, you will grow from this. After all, is that not what truly matters?”

y/n wished he was lying to her. Sadly, he wasn’t—and she knew it. She wished she could see herself in a different light, a kinder one, and a little speck of hope blossomed in the darkest parts of her heart. Maybe, just maybe, she could grow. One day perhaps, her mind wouldn’t call her a monster, and she would have forgiven herself. Maybe she could let herself be happy. Ultimately, is that not what anyone wanted? To just be truly happy? To be able to live their life to the fullest, without any regrets, without their guilt consuming them every second of every day? To live a wholesome life, and to die a happy death?

Loki sensed the shift in the atmosphere, how she had loosened up slightly, her heart registering his words. He felt his heart lift up in newfound hope. He ran his thumb over her forehead, pushing back the little strands of hair before settling on her jaw; just like he had imagined doing countless times. The air suddenly smelled of promises, and a glimmer of sweet happiness. It was almost infective.

“Do you really mean it?” y/n asked him, her voice filled with hope, her heart beating like it suddenly had a reason to do so. Like it had discovered life again. That life was worth living.

Loki smiled, a little quirk of his lips, a little crinkle in the corner of his eyes. He glanced at her lips before closing the little distance between them. y/n relished the new surge she felt in her veins, like a thousand flowers blooming in a field. A few moments ago, she hated the feeling of power in her fibers, the dry swell of it simply causing her to hate on her existence; but now? Now she felt a new kind of swell, a relief. A relief, that could only be felt when there was hope. A brief sanguineness that could be achieved only when one believed in themselves. Suddenly, she looked forward to the future.

“Undoubtedly, my dear. I apologize with all my heart for the distress I have caused you these few days. I assure you that nothing will disrupt this little utopia that we have managed to find, ever again," he promised, his heart singing. He could work this out for her, and for himself. She deserved as much, and he was capable of giving her everything she need, and he would do so gladly. And she was kissing him again, his lips against hers, soft as feathers, as light as an angel’s caress. And she knew then. She knew she would forgive herself. After all, you only live one life.

maladaptive daydreaming DISORDER. It is a DISORDER. It is not all fun and games and genuinely fucks with our lives. I wish people would stop acting like it doesn’t and wishing that they had it.

Little ways to have a more Magikal Day 🌿🌞🪐

credit: @CraftingWitch on Instagram !

posted 06/19/2022