DAY 2: FAVOURITE ROLE

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Who do we want to comfort us?

This is something I’ve come to realize recently.

So we are aware that MaDD is a coping mechanism. A way to satisfy some sort of hole in our present life or to escape. I want to focus on the former here. That being, MaDD acting as a compensating mechanism. I am someone who has struggled with emotionally expressing myself as well with alot of feelings of invalidation. I think I’ve used MaDD to live out my emotions in scenarios where they feel justified. And like I’ve mentioned in previous posts I think MaDD provides me a place to spit out all those negative emotions without fear of consequences.

All of this is to say that I believe that I daydream to compensate for what I feel like I lack in my real life. And recently I’ve come to the realization that one of the things I feel I lack is comfort from those around me. At times I am struck with a strong desire to be comforted. And I think I’ve used my daydreams as a stand in for when I couldn’t reach out to those around me.

And then something changed.

It can be pretty difficult to be self aware of oneself when you experience maladaptive daydreaming. It can be hard at times to get to the root as to why your daydreams manifest the way they do. At least it has been for me. If I am to get to the root of things I really have to consciously take a step back and analyze my daydreams. Which I rarely do given that I’m nearly always submerged in them, hence the difficulty with self-awareness. 

A little awhile ago, after noticing this re-occurring desire for comfort I stood back and asked myself, “So who am I desiring comfort from in my real life”. My thoughts being that all my daydreams stretched back to the real world and that by noting what I wanted in my actual life I could satisfy these wants, and thus maybe dampen the daydreaming. 

But as I searched my mind as to who I desired comfort from in my life my mind came back nearly blank. In fact I found that when running through all the people in my life, my question wasn’t “Do I want comfort from this person?” but rather “If I had to choose who I wanted to get comfort from who would it be?”. I came up with one person. This is all to say that I suddenly realized that I didn’t want the people in my life to comfort me at all. I think originally I did, but somewhere along the road it changed. And I noted in numb surprise that I wanted comfort specifically from my paras. I wanted their attention and affection, not anyone’s else.

This may not seem like news to some of you. But for me it was. I assumed that the reason why I sought out comfort from my pars was because I couldn’t do that in my real life. And I do think this was the case initially. But in my effort to forge comfort I got so attached to the way my paras provided it that I stopped wishing to receive it from actual people. This is not good. And I have to say it was bit of sad realization. 

i may have to write a post about what “getting comfort” looks like in my paracosms. It’s misleading, making it sound like I daydream of back rubs and affirming words, but more often than not my daydreams are of my parame in the act of desperately seeking out comfort from their paras. Yes I may write more about that later.

But for now, this new realization was something I wanted to post. I think at times I start to believe that I’m not that attached or “into” my paracosms. That they’re just a fun little side distraction, but then I have these realizations and I am forced to face some bitter truths…

Modern Art

tasm!peter x fem!reader

summary: inspired by Reckless by Madison Beer and All Too Well. Angst because all of us have pain kink (yes I'm looking at you.) requested by @buckyjbarneswhore | masterlist

Peter had fallen in love with you even before asking you out. It wasn't much of a surprise, that boy was always a hopeless romantic.

He loved the way you laughed, loved how he made you laugh. He loved how you hummed the songs he never understood, your voice, your kindness, how you doodled nonsense on his papers, how you hugged Aunt May whenever you saw her — he loved anything and everything about you.

Then one day, he went to Oscorp. You knew he saw something there, but he wasn't keen on saying what it was.

That was the first secret he hid from you.

You thought you were imagining things. Sure, he didn't spend much time with you anymore, but he was busy. You told yourself he was busy even though the two of you had the same classes and the same workload.

You ignored the feeling at the back of your head, the one that told you to be careful.

————

"Hey, we're going to a party tonight. Wanna come?" Aimee asked, smiling wide. "Trick question. You have to."

"Then I guess I'll be there." You returned a smile, knowing you didn't need much persuasion anyway. You didn't have much work and anything's better than sitting around doing nothing.

"I need to do a beer count. Is Peter going to be there?" she asked, taking out the little pink notebook she carried around. You had gifted it to her on her birthday and she hasn't parted with it since.

"He's uh, busy." You were suddenly interested in the book in front of you.

"Oh man, you're dating Peter Parker?" One of your other friends, Mark, looked up from whatever he was reading.

"Yeah, why?"

"No reason. He's a chill dude. Saw him yesterday. He bought me coffee at Helsey's after I was drunk off my ass," Mark said, laughing. "Owes me skateboard lessons too."

"Wait, wait," you sat up straighter. "Helsey's cafe is near your house."

"Of course it is."

"Your house is nowhere near the public library."

"Okay...?"

"Peter said he was at the library," you said, sounding worried. "He said he had a personal project or something."

"Why would he lie?" Aimee asked, closing the pink notebook.

"C'mon guys, you're overthinking this," Mark interrupted swiftly. "In fact, I'm pretty sure his friend mentioned something about going to the library too!"

"His friend? He was with someone?" you asked, trying to sound casual.

"Yeah, Gwen Stacy."

————

"I'm thinking we should go to that little restaurant they opened up?" Peter asked, handing over the flowers he had hurriedly bought on his way over. "Sort of as an apology for my absence the whole week?"

"I'm not feeling good. I'd rather stay inside," you said, hoping you sounded normal. You put the flowers in an empty vase and threw the bag into the bed, then opened your laptop.

Peter frowned. He had off days too, when he wanted nothing more than to disconnect from the entire world for a while, but your demeanor said something was wrong.

You running through whatever you're looking for on the laptop and ignoring your boyfriend standing awkwardly near the door was the closest thing you had done to giving him the cold shoulder.

"Are you mad at me?" he asked, sitting down on your bed.

You laughed forcefully. "Don't be ridiculous, Peter. Why would I be mad at you?"

"I mean, if you are- that's totally justified. I know I wasn't the most attentive guy last week. I blame it on my project—"

"Speaking of," you interrupted cheerfully, slamming the laptop shut and turning to him. "What's this project about?"

He was taken back. "Uhm, arachnology."

"Arachnology?"

"Yes?"

"That sounds like a question."

"I mean, yes. Definitely," he said, nodding. "I'm researching on arachnology. Why the sudden interest?"

"I feel bad for not knowing what's going on in your life." You replied, waving it off.

You had hoped he was a better liar, just so you could comfort yourself that it was all okay like your rose-colored glasses made it out to be. Apparently not.

"I appreciate that." Peter held your gaze, both of you knowing there was something more. Something he wasn't saying.

"Are you doing the research with Gwen Stacy?" The question had slipped off your mouth before you could think about it. He seemed even more surprised.

"Why would I study spiders with Gwen?" he laughed, not meeting your eyes.

The way her name fell from his lips said he knew her, and the affection behind it said he was fond of her. You bit down your lips and told yourself that you were being crazy. Friends care for each other, and you needn't worry about that.

If there was something going on, Peter's not the type to hide it. Then again, you thought he wasn't the type to lie at all, but isn't that what he just did?

————

The story wrote itself from there. So now here you are, alone at your birthday party, having everyone around you but him. You were pretty sure he had forgotten about it altogether.

When everyone left for home, you went to your room and swallowed the resentment. It felt like a statement on his part. He used to write little notes for you during class, with small lines that made you smile even though they were sappy. He said he'll never hurt you, but here you are, close to tears on your own birthday.

There was a knock on the window.

You didn't need to turn to know it was him.

"Hey, I got us pizzas!" he said energetically, then noticed your red gown, the slumped shoulders, the irregular breaths. "Y/N...?"

You turned around, wiping the first tear that had shamelessly slid down your face. The last thing you wanted to do was look broken in front of the man who broke you.

He took in your makeup, or rather the smudged edges of it. You looked so utterly strong yet cautious, as if you had just built a brick wall over your emotions.

"Oh!" he connected the dots, leaving the pizza on the bedside. "Your birthday- holy shit, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry—"

"Where were you?" you asked calmly.

He blanked. What was he supposed to say now? That he was so consumed with a bogus research that he forgot his girlfriend's birthday? Or the truth? Both would hurt the same.

"Gwen Stacy," you said the name slowly. "Why did you tell me you don't know her?"

He took a deep breath in. "I didn't say that. I just didn't tell you she was just doing the research with me—"

"If that was the case, why did you lie?"

"I thought you wouldn't understand! If I told you I had something super important to research with another girl, especially my childhood crush, don't tell me you wouldn't have gotten jealous!"

"Fuck you, Parker," your voice rose louder. "You know I'm not that type of overprotective partner. You know you could have just told me. But you didn't. Why?"

"There's a lot of compli—"

"Why?" The word ricocheted off the walls, making Peter almost take a step back.

"Did you cheat on me?" you whispered, biting down your lips so you wouldn't yell again.

"No," he shook his head far too quickly. Yet he looked guilty. You quickly connected the dots.

"Are you in love with her anyway?"

Peter's face fell. "I didn't plan to."

Tears freely started to fall now, but you didn't care. You took a deep breath in.

"You could have told me that from the start."

"I love her now but I loved you first," he said defensively. "I did. But then I was spending more time with Gwen and somewhere along the way, it just happened. I never wanted to hurt you, but would you really blame me for loving someone?"

"You're honestly asking me that?" you asked, your voice shaking. "All I did was love someone and where did that get me?"

"You don't understand—"

"What the fuck don't I understand?"

"I'm Spiderman!" He interrupted, raising his hands in surrender. He began rambling even without seeing your reaction. "Gwen works at Oscorp. She helped me. I knew you wouldn't have approved if I told you I was fighting for my life everyday. Not like she does."

You understood why he was saying that. Peter Parker was in his core, nothing if not kind. He didn't want to deal with how he hurt someone, so he threw a half-assed excuse at your face, hoping you'd agree and let him go. He didn't need your pain on his conscience so he resorted to wallowing through excuses.

Steady breaths, that's what he used to say when you were having a bad day. Steady breaths and a steady mind. Can't be all bad, right? I'm here. And I'm not going anywhere.

Despite everything, you smiled. Steady breaths it is.

"I knew you were Spiderman, I knew it from the start," you said, almost amused.

He blinked, surprised yet again. Maybe he was more stupid than he gave himself credit for. After all, you were his girlfriend. If there was someone in the world who could figure it out, who else would it be if not you?

"You wouldn't have loved me anymore," he finished his ranting, desperately hopeless. "No matter what you say now, you wouldn't have!"

"I would have loved you any way you wanted me to."

He opened his mouth to say something, closed it again, realizing he had just run out of excuses. Nothing to give, nothing that you'll ever trust again.

"I'm sorry," he said, genuinely meaning it. "I'm so fucking sorry that I hurt you. You are a good person and—"

"Get out."

"Let me just-"

"Get the hell out!" you pointed to the window.

He didn't want to cause any more of a mess, so he did as you asked, though hesitant as ever.

And as he climbed that window down one last time, you looked at the vase in the corner, the one which had the flowers he bought for you; all of them completely wilted now.

————————

second and final part here!

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andrew!peter: @angelcritterz @greekktragedyy @rophelia @littleredjason @geek-and-proud @arabellelancastersstuff @peachyplumsss @riibuns @lemonjane16 @ionlyeverwantedtobeyourequal @lokismidnight @blooo0ooop @plutoneu @livewittykid @melody-ed @dracoismydramaqueen @clean-and-claire @londonbrandcandy @jenoslov @luvwanda

And my heart went oops-

…

Do you like reading because it's fun or do you like reading because you're a burned out kid who used to always have the top grades in the class and now you read because you realize that the only people who will truly understand you are those who are made up of literal ink on paper and you believe that you are unloveable and have never been in an actual relationship so the only way that you could feel love is through another person's eyes and you have an obsession with fictional men not only because they are hot but because they will love you despite every flaw and they will treat you the way that no one else would and all you want to do every day is wake up to your comfort character kissing your forehead and telling you that they love you and that it's ok and that you are only human and you deserve love despite your worst traits?

everyone around me is in love! and i have the loneliness of a 12 year old girl

Dating Loki Odinson Would Include:

masterlist

he constantly talks about his mother because he trusts you with his feelings

he’s definitely the type of boyfriend to get super jealous

someone will look at you for too long and he can’t control is jealousy and possessiveness

you mean the world to him so you wouldn’t really fight a lot but if you did they were huge and sometimes would get out of control

but you make up with angry sex so it’s all good

he wants to give you everything he didn’t have because he knows what it feels like to have nothing

like if you want a throne he’ll give you one, all you have to do is ask

his love language is 100% touch but soft touches i.e. hand holding, cheek strokes, playing with your hair etc.

he has trust issues...shocker...but once he lets you in he tells you everything because he trusts you so much

will definitely gossip with you, especially if it’s about thor...i mean who are we kidding

FOREHEAD KISSES

NECK KISSES

he needs to be reassured a lot, so expect days were he’s pouty and comes back to his normal self when you smother him with love

would always try to prank or scare you with his illusions but you always see right through them, making him believe that you’re truly his soulmate

will cry on your shoulder after frigga’s death

loki would protect you with everything he has, even if that means with his life

he would literally make fun of you after trying on his helmet and looking like an idiot

you would definitely have a sarcastic-type of relationship where you poke fun at each other constantly and people around you are confused if you’re serious or not

but god forbid someone else makes fun of you...they might as well flee asgard or new york depending on where you’re currently staying

you are always his number one priority

late night walks

stargazing

staying up late and talking about everything and everyone

being disappointed in him when he ordered the attack on new york

and he realised he messed up big time

he was so disappointed in himself for hurting you and took out the hurt on himself

you would constantly be surrounded by words like, ‘why are you dating him?’ ; ‘he’s evil.’ ; ‘how can you love someone like him?’

he loves sleeping next to you

he just feels so safe

What's really in that witch's cauldron?

Folk names for herbs

Ass' Ear- Comfrey

Bat's Wing- Holly Leaves

Beard Of Monk- Chicory

Bear's Foot- Lady's Mantle

Bird's Eye- Germander or Speedwell

Blind Eyes- Poppy

Blood From a Head- Lupine

Blood Of Ares- Purslane

Blood Of Hestia- Chamomile

Bloody Fingers- Foxglove

Calf's Snout- Snapdragon

Cat's Foot- Ground Ivy

Crow's Foot- Wood Anemone

Devil's Ear- Jack In The Pulpit

Devil's Plaything- Yarrow

Dew Of the Sea- Rosemary

Dog's Mouth- Snapdragon

Dragon's Teeth- Vervain

Elf Leaf- Lavender

Englishman's Foot- Common Plantain

Fairy Eggs- Nutmeg

Flower Of Death- Vinca

Goose Tongue- Lemon Balm

Graveyard Dust- Mullein

Hawk's Heart- Wormwood

Juno's Tears- Vervain

Jupiter's Beard- Sempervivums

Lion's Foot- Lady's Mantle

Little Faces- Viola

Man's Bile- Turnip Sap

Mortification Root- Rose of Sharyn

Nose Of Turtle- Turtlehead, Chelone

Nosebleed- Yarrow

Our Lady's Tears- Lily Of The Valley

Old Man's Flannel- Mullein

Ram's Head- Valerian

Scale Of Dragon- Tarragon

Semen Of Ares- White Clover

Semen Of Hermes- Dill

Serpent's Tongue- Dog's Tooth Violet

Sparrow's Tongue- Knotweed

Tree Of Doom- Elder

Unicorn Root- Boneset

Weasel Snout- Yellow Archangel

Wool Of Bat- Moss

Body Parts as Plants:

Eye- Blossom or Seed

Heart- Bud or Seed

Beak, Bill or Nose- Seed, Bud or Bloom

Tongue or Teeth- Petal or Leaf

Head- Blossom

Tail- Stem

Hair- Dried Herbs or Stringy Parts Of Herbs

Privates, Genitals Or Semen- Seeds Or Sap

Blood- Sap

Guts- Roots or Stalk

Paw, Foot, Leg, Wing or Toe- Leaves

Animals as Plants:

Toad- Sage

Cat- Catmint

Dog- Grasses, Specifically Couchgrass

Frog- Cinquefoil

Eagle- Wild Garlic

Blue Jay- Laurel

Hawk- Hawkweed

Lamb-Wild Lettuce

Nightengale- Hops

Rat- Valerian

Weasel- Rue

Woodpecker- Peony

I borrowed this from: