“I’m Hero. I’m The Reason Your Parents Are In Jail.”

Reblog if there's something wrong with you

ok enough is enough. whichever one of you virgins invented instagram starbucks recipes, die 1000 deaths. I had a customer come in today holding out their phone (full brightness) and looking all shy and Im immediately like 🙄 fine ok, what does the instagram user want me to make for them this time. well this time it's a cringe harry potter themed frappucino. excuse me??? "can you make this for me?" I said excuse me??? -- I mean *customer service voice* "yeah it looks like I have all the ingredients, haha sure!"

ok cringe instagram harry potter frappucino drinker. ok. die. "Ive never had this drink before" yeah I can tell due to the fact that it didnt exist until someone posted a #aesthetic photo of it to instagram 14 hours ago ok. ok,

but whatever, Im paid to put up with this shit. so I add the ingredients all up on my computer and congrats! ur harry potter cringe social media drink has $10 worth of syrup in it. are you happy??? is this what you wanted??? a $10 frappucino??? $10. for a drink. you doubled the price of this drink for ur off-brand "harry potter and the legend of the overpriced starbucks drink" drink. you doubled the price!!! is this how u imagined spending ur day? is this what u wanted to do when u woke up this morning? $10 for a 24oz drink?

and u know, you KNOW the influencer making this recipe doesn't even work at a starbucks cause when it was all said and done the drink looked like shit. my blender was straining against the weight of your sins (and syrups) and Im sweating, Im an animal, Im losing my mind and my blender is getting watered down frappucino syrups everywhere -- u put so much shit liquid in this blender it doesnt even fit in the cup btw. it's making a huge mess. but is it instagramable? no, its fucking ugly. #trending #foryoupage #cringe $10 harold potter drink for adult children,

so are you happy? is ur social media influencer bestie happy? I made ur stupid $10 drink for u. does it taste good? no? well I hope instagram shuts down tomorrow. I hope you read a different book. I hope I never get sober. there is no sign of land. I hope you die. I hope we both die.

reblog this if you’re jewish or your blog is a safe space for jewish people

in light of recent events as well as a new rise in creating nazi ocs I think this post is an important one to have on your blog if you stand behind your jewish followers or are jewish yourself.

argyle is the person you want on your team in an apocalypse

LOOK AT THIS LOOK AT THIS:

WOODWORKING skills

COOKING skills

TRACKING skills

FORAGING SKILLS??!

GUYS????? argyle needs to and will hopefully become an integral, ESSENTIAL member of the big kids gang. he knows so much and this is only addressing his survival skills

in THIS HOUSE, we love argyle!!!

me? letting an entire fic play out in my head from beginning to end and not writing a single thing down, thus forever sealing it in my brain as a self-indulgent relic that will never see the light of day?? 

it’s exactly as likely as you think

50 Reasons to Share a Bed

I am SO SOFT for this. Call me basic, but it's my favorite trope. I love it so much. I will take any excuse to write it. DO NOT ADD.

WARNINGS: Illness. Kidnapping mentions. Injuries. Death/dying mentions. Vague spice.

1) Because you’re sick. 

2) Because there’s only one bed, and it feels wrong to let you sleep on the floor. 

3) Because I have the thicker blanket out of the two of us. 

4) Because you won’t stop clinging to me on the couch. 

5) Because you have a broken leg, and I don’t want the guilt of leaving you here all by yourself. 

6) Because your health is deteriorating, and I don’t want to miss your final breaths. 

7) Because you’re crying as if I’m about to disappear. 

8) Because this is what we’ve done since we were kids, regardless of the adult implications now.

9) Because it’s so cold that I can see my breath, and tangling together is the best way to warm up. 

10) Because your house was broken into. 

11) Because you fear the dark, or what’s in the dark. 

12) Because you’re scared to lose me. 

13) Because your room is flooded. 

14) Because I would rather you sleep here than with someone else. 

15) Because you can’t afford a hotel room. 

16) Because I prefer your heartbeat as my sound-soother. 

17) Because I prefer your phone as my night light. 

18) Because I prefer your weight to my weighted blanket. 

19) Because you were kidnapped, and I won’t let anyone else get to you again. 

20) Because I don’t trust anyone else to take care of you like I can. 

21) Because you feel most protected with me. 

22) Because what’s the difference between snuggling and hugging? (A lot.) 

23) Because you’re visiting and need a place to stay. 

24) Because we’re too caught up in the past to remember that we broke up. 

25) Because we drank too much last night. 

26) Because you fell asleep on my shoulder, and I carried you to bed. 

27) Because my bed is the most comfortable. 

28) Because you keep the nightmares away. 

29) Because we’ve just married and we’re taking things slowly. 

30) Because this is an arranged marriage. 

31) Because I have nowhere else to go.

32) Because we don’t trust each other, we have no option than to keep one another close. 

33) Because I’m dying, and I don’t want to leave any regrets. 

34) Because I’ve been kicked out, and you’re the only safe place to go. 

35) Because you’ve let me crash so many times before. 

36) Because I love the way you wrap around me. 

39) Because the little hums you make against my ear to send me to sleep send warmth down my body. 

40) Because your fingertips over my muscles send me to sleep. 

41) Because your cat sleeps on my chest. (I’m not here for you… of course.) 

42) Because it’s between you and the outdoors. 

43) Because we’re making a mistake. 

44) Because your breakfast is my favorite thing. 

45) Because we’re best friends. 

46) Because this is the first time I’ve ever seen you cry. 

47) Because everyone else left you. 

48) Because I’ll always be the one to patch you up. 

49) Because there’s nowhere else I’d rather be. 

50) Because I love you.

prompts to shake things up

I didn't know you wore glasses and I'm thinking normal and platonic thoughts about you right now I swear

I'm going to take over the world and no one can stop me not even y- okay well if you ask nicely I guess

you say childish like it's a bad thing but I see you eyeing that life size Pokémon plush don't kid yourself 

be honest are you crying about the commercial with the kitten in it

this marriage was supposed to be a scam but, but listen,

soooo *twirling hair and fluttering eyelashes* why does everyone think you're a freak

I know I'm your doctor and the horns growing in overnight was kind of a surprise but why do you want them removed those are sick as hell

babe. my love. song in my heart. are you purring 

okay so if you want me to rescue you from up there you have to try to come with me--okay I guess I'm picking you up

I have never been this sick before I'm sorry did I, haha this is so weird, but did I confess my love for you? f- four times? yeah? haha oh

every time you taste my cooking you just say it's amazing does it need more salt or not I swan to John

oh it's nothing it's just. you sing when you're happy and the place has been so quiet for so long, and I heard you- nevermind,

you frost cookies like you're neither left or right handed but a third other hand that you don't actually possess and I can't stand it (affectionate)

I don't think you understand how much your good morning texts legitimately keep me from rotting in bed all day 

you must be pretty down if me juggling your oranges doesn't even get a laugh out of you :( should I light them on fire? 

no I see the super powers yeah I just, I'm not sure you got them from your medication, yeah, and would you say that's a negative side effect or

you bought me a SWORD? OH MAN IM GONNA BE SO DANGEROUS 

ooh what's this potion do? coffee? that's a funny name. what happens if I press this button? humans are so fascinating this is the best I hope I never go home

you've been blinking SOS in Morse code at me for ten minutes honey this award ceremony is supposed to be honoring you 

when we kiss I feel like I'm floating, like literally gravity stopped working on me please don't let go?? also another kiss wouldn't hurt just saying 

so it was YOU who took a full bite out of that stick of butter!! please. please. why??

let's go on vacation somewhere cheesy and act like we're a couple wouldn't that be sooooo funny haha

okay so sleeping it off didn't work. let me consult my list. hypnotism, no. meditation, certainly not. well something has to work because I simply cannot be in love with them

I'm a spy. i can do unspeakable crimes under the morally bankrupt cover of night but I'm not sure I can pretend to look at real estate as a couple with you 

my love is your arm stuck in the claw machine. you were going to steal that prize for me?? oh my gosh. let me rescue you and also show you how to actually do this

hell is hot but women are hotter