The Legend Of Sleepy Hollow -

Henley Monday - 

It's still ungodly cold in much of the northern United States, and now more than ever we need men in henleys to warm us right up. Enter the fourth man named Chris to be presented as the weekly Henley Monday: Chris Pratt. 

This is him last week at the Parks & Recreation PaleyFest panel. He....has gone through quite the transformation for his upcoming role in Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy. It's pretty special. I mean, come on THAT FACE. That ADORABLE man. His character on Parks has always been one of my favorites and now that he looks like this, I might just be in full blown love.

Keep it up, Chris Pratt! We love you!

Henely Monday - 

Welcome to the really extended week long ramp-up to Halloween we're getting this year. I'm not complaining one bit because any excuse to watch scary movies and eat so much candy I physically hurt is a good one. And many of you indulged in some fun-having too much last weekend and you really need this, a double dosage of henley.

And I found both these pictures and could not wait to share both at the same time. Because I love Tom Hiddleston and I love that THOR 2 is coming out in less than two weeks and I love that he is wearing a different leather jacket over a different henley in both of these pictures and I love that he looks so sad and forlorn about how he KNOWS how perfect he is. He knows. For better or worse, this guy knows how perfect he is.

And I love it.

The Bachelor - Episode 1 Recap

Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, WELL, WELL, WELL! As faithfully as the seasons change THE BACHELOR is back on TV screens across America, and for the fourth season, I am back to faithfully recap all the shenanigans and minimal romance for you. To those of you returning to me, welcome back! To first time readers, thanks for joining the noble ranks!

I can tell you in post that this premier episode had the highest ratings for The Bachelor in three years. That is thanks, in no small part, to the extensive publicity campaign ABC launched to promote Juan Pablo, going so far as to coin the buzzword “Juan-uary”. It is of course also due to the fact that Juan Pablo Galavis is sexy as all get out and a completely charming Latino-Americano.  But enough of the mechanics, let’s get started with Juan Pablo on his journey to love!

We kick right off with shots of Juan Pablo posing for photographs and jogging with his shirt off as he voices over how great his life is with his daughter, family, and job in Miami but the one thing he’s missing…is LOVE! JP has a beautiful four year old daughter named Camila whom he loves very much, but wants to find a mom for her and start makin’ babies.  “It’s all about destiny…you have to be in the same place at the same time and be of the same mind,” he says about finding love. Cheers to him improving his English.

And now for some sage advice on being El Bachelor, Juan Pablo invites none other than Sean Lowe over to his bachelor pad. After world’s cutest playtime with Camila, the dudes settle in to have some real talk about “the process”. Most notably, Juan Pablo is not too keen on calling it a “journey”, so he and Sean decide together to call it an “adventure”. Adventure is the new journey, y’all!

“What’s your kissing strategy?” Sean asks. Juan Pablo just makes an awkward little face and shrugs. Sean’s advice is to “feel it in the moment” which, sure, but more importantly he warns to not kiss someone in front of the other girls because he got in big trouble for that. Somehow I have a feeling this advice will not be followed to the letter?

We leave our two bro-dudes with a beautiful story of how Sean and Catherine have love that lasts in the real world because one time his dogs got sprayed by a skunk and at 2am, they scrubbed down the dogs in the backyard and all Sean could think was that Catherine is his forever person. OK. THAT’S. NICE. Their wedding is at the end of this month. Hooray Sean and Catherine!

Chris Harrison in his suit and tie is back out in front of that disease ridden, blue-lit mansion!!! I feel so safe here. Let’s stay awhile. Oh we have to meet some of the women first? Ok fine let’s get the crazy train off the rails.

Chelsie, a 24 year old science teacher from Columbus, Ohio, is up first. Chelsie says the main way her family would describe her is “very silly”, which is a great, great quality to highlight in yourself as an adult. Still, Chelsie is pretty cute and is trying to learn Spanish despite saying “ar-mor” instead of “amor” repeatedly.

Renee from Sarasota is paddle boarding into frame now! She’s 32 just like Juan Pablo and has an 8 year old son. She is calm, cool, and collected in her package. I like Renee. We are off to a good start.

Andi is a GANG PROSECUTOR IN ATLANTA, GEORGIA. She is INCREDIBLY beautiful and obviously, incredibly intelligent. I LIKE ANDI. NOBODY F*** WITH ANDI.

Next up we have Amy an incredibly terrifying joy monster who claims to be a message therapist. We see her heavily breathing while kneeling on the buttocks of what we can only hope is one of her clients. She could not be chewing the scenery more and ends the whole thing by falling over in orgasmic pleasure when she says the name “Juan Pablo”. She seems sane.

Nikki does actually seem sane and like a normal human. She’s a 26 year old pediatric nurse who is very pretty and well-spoken. She wants love that lasts forever, can you believe it? Still though, she’s sweet and pretty and a smart nurse.

Lauren H from Oklahoma is “25”, but really I think “35” might be a better guess. She is “incredibly blessed” in her life but her love life is no bueno. Lauren spins us the yarn of how a little over ONE YEAR ago, she MET a man and they got ENGAGED and SIX WEEKS LATER he CALLED HER AT WORK to break off the engagement. I can’t even fathom that timeline y’all. You cannot, cannot, cannot meet someone and get engaged to them and then be dumped by that person with enough time to heal to then go on the Bachelor to find love. Lauren H., you crazy.

Valerie is a 26 year old personal trainer from a farm town who says she’s incredibly competitive in addition to being very, very pretty. Her words, not mine. She also calls all the other girls as ugly as goats, but not to worry because ugly people need love too. She seems chill.

Now, at 25 Lacey is the proprietor of an elderly care facility especially those with special needs because that’s the example her family set for her by adopting eight other special needs kids. Are you kidding, Lacey? Are you kidding with the amount of goodness in your heart that you’re putting into the world? This show finds some crazies, but also some real Miss America contenders.

And finally we have Claire who is part Mexican, but is plagued by the death of her father still. “There was something wrong in his brain, and we found out he had brain cancer,” Claire nods to camera. Which…let’s just start by saying that is very sad and I am sorry for her loss but…this is a hilarious way to describe what brain cancer is. ANYHOW, he passed away, but not before making a DVD to Claire’s future husband that remains unwatched until she finds that right man. Ten bucks says that DVD comes out by week three.

Alright! Enough with the video packages! Let’s get those women out on a water soaked stone driveway in front of a mansion embarrassing themselves meeting Juan Pablo! Because of such popular demand, there will be 27 women starting off this season rather than the traditional 25. Cool, I guess?

Amy L., a local news reporter from Florida is out first.  She looks nice in a sparkly red dress. Next is Cassandra who is TWENTY ONE and a former NBA dancer. They share an awkward silence because HER BRAIN IS STILL FORMING BECAUSE SHE’S A CHILD. Christy from Chicago is wearing the white satin prom dress that all the girls in my high school wore to prom in 2006. JP says he is liking this first leemo. Now it’s Christine in a slamming green dress who brings a cute little bracelet for Camila. Ok, here comes Nikki that cute pediatric nurse who is wearing a tight, low cut, low back dress and she is working it. She does a cute bit with a stethoscope for Juan Pablo to hear how fast her heart is beating with excitement. I would say it goes well because when she walks away Juan Pablo bites his hand as if to say “AYAYAY! MUY CALIENTE!”

The next limo pulls up and Juan Pablo whimpers out “they’re screaming…”  Out comes Kat who does a little salsa step with him, and Juan remarks to an off screen producer that she smells really good. And Chantel one of our first women of color is up, who impresses our bachelor with a great pronunciation of his name after belittling him with how to pronounce Chantel. Victoria is Brazilian which is just unfair to the rest of us, but she’s wearing a sparkly yellow tarp for a dress so that levels out the playing field a little.

Oh Christ. We pan up from a pair of bare feet getting out of the limo as we meet Lucy. A 24 year old “Free Spirit” that Juan Pablo remarks is “so cute.” No. Not so cute, Juan Pablo. So horrible. So loathsome. She is wearing one of those stupid flower crowns. I hope she free spirits some water from a hose and gets hepatitis A or whichever one just gives you screaming diarrhea for a month.

I’m quickly assuaged by Danielle’s entrance. She is another woman of color wearing an incredible dress that makes her look like Athena Goddess of War. I will be calling her Athena. She’s a psychiatric nurse. Danielle can stay.

And then a thing happens that I’m not even sure I have the skills to describe to you. A girl struggles up the driveway on what I can only describe as a piano bicycle that she has clearly never ridden/played before. Juan Pablo runs to her aid! Then he runs back to wait for her when she assures him she’s “got it”! Then she pulls up on her piano bike and plays a song that’s a song with notes. She messes up because it’s a PIANO ON A BIKE. She’s a composer who says that she just wanted him to know that music is her passion “musica es mi vida”. KILL ME with all the terrible Spanish happening right out of the gate. She walks away and Juan runs after her into the mansion to learn that her name is Lauren.

Chelsie the cute science teacher gets out next and does a little bit about instead of “doing chemistry” they should make some chemistry of their own. She throws some test tubes in the bushes which is littering and not very environmentally friendly, miss science teacher.

Valerie that snippy personal trainer comes out wearing cowboy boots with her gown to show how down to earth she is. Why do women always do this? Wearing cowboy boots with a gown is ZERO indication of your chill level and very good indicator that everyone should hate you. Elise comes out and she’s a pretty blond but most important is that her hometown is Forty Fort, Pennsylvania. Ashley comes out with a gold star sticker for Juan Pablo because she’s a first grade teacher.

Then we hear some grunting and sighing as Claire struggles out of the limo wearing a lovely pink dress and A FAKE BABY BELLY. OH CLAIRE, YOU SEEMED SO ALMOST NORMAL AND NOW YOU’RE COMPLETELY OUT OF YOUR MIND. “HAHAHA I’M PREGNANT JK,” IS, IN MY EXPERIENCE, NOT A GREAT PICKUP LINE. Juan Pablo is trying to be so diplomatic but his internal panic is written on his handsome face. When she asks if he wants to feel she then reveals, “It’s so not real! It’s a little lumpy for a baby, right?!”………………………………………………………………….no.

Back on track we meet Ally, a nanny from Chicago who kicks the soccer ball around. Amy J. the crazy masseur comes out in a gold lamé dress that completely squashes her boobs. But JP seems into it because he whispers “Nos vemos a dentro” as she leaves which means “We’ll see each other inside”.

Renee the single mom comes out next! She’s a star and makes a great first impression. Lauren H. the heartbroken crazy comes out next, and she is a “mineral coordinator” which I know is a real job but sounds super, super fake. How does on coordinate minerals?

Maggie has the thickest little southern accent ever and brings him a fishing hook to show that he’s a good catch. We have Kelly who is preceded by her dog Molly getting out of the limo. Kelly has listed her occupation as “dog lover” which his NOT. A. THING. Lacey the old folks home owner brings him a fake prescription from cupid’s pharmacy. Which Albert and Ethel at the home told her that was a good idea?

Alexis gets out of the limo speaking Spanish at a third grade level. Kylie is a redheaded interior designer in a heinous bubble gum pink pageant dress. Sharleen is stoic but beautiful and she’s an opera singer from Canada who lives in Germany. She makes quite the impression on Juan Pablo. “Sin-gers, I like sin-gers,” he says.

Last but CERTAINLY not least is my top horse in the running ANDI THE FEDERAL PROSECUTOR. She doesn’t do anything crazy but they have good chemistry on first meeting. Go, Andi.

After the quick explanation of the First Impression Rose, Juan Pablo is off to the races inside the house! He is a little overwhelmed by all the beautiful women. “It feels like you are a meat that they gonna eat you,” he says. But don’t worry, he knows what to do. He brings out a little music to have a dance party! And there’s a photo booth! How wacky! He’s just SO wacky and low-key! It’s like a wedding!

Juan Pablo is a people person and he starts right away taking women away to meet them and have one on one time. He is the epitome of charm and diplomacy with these women. While talking to Renee though, he does have a big red lipstick mark on one cheek. Oopsies.

Lucy is a psychopath who should be stopped by any means necessary. She climbs all over him right away and stares into his eyes as she says, “Do you get nervous when I get close to you? Don’t be nervous. Be sure.” Which is a thing that normal people and not psychopathic mass murderers say to people upon first meeting them. She points out that she’s not wearing shoes just like a “real hippie”. I’m pretty sure it’s also just like a “real hippie” to be wearing a $1000 gown on a reality dating show but I’m not a “real hippie” like Lucy. Even though Juan Pablo is clearly freaked out by her he’s still the essence of diplomacy by saying, “It’s a little crazy, but it’s the first night so a lot of crazy is going on.”

Smash cut to Amy J. the masseur frolicking Juan Pablo out to a massage table that’s been so graciously set up by the producers on the driveway. Bless them. She is slowly undressing him and talking about essential oils and even though she is creepy, creepy, creeping up and down his body with her hands, he is like “Ok. Yes. Thank you. No no. This is fine. I’m not uncomfortable” even though his eyes scream for mercy.

He continues schmoozing with all the ladies as they collectively lose their shit when Chris Harrison places the First Impression Rose on the table. Everybody wants their time with him, most of all Lauren H. She is already crying because she feels like she can’t get time with Juan Pablo, and she needs love more than anyone else in that room. Lauren H. just needs to take a deep breath and a sip of some brown liquor. She is breathlessly weeping to camera. The first grade teacher ends up pulling her away to calm her down like she would with one of her six year olds.

When Lauren H. finally gets her time with Juan you can tell she’s been crying. She leads the conversation with her broken engagement story, and he’s being so kind to her. That being said, he and I both know that Juan Pablo is not Lauren’s therapist and maybe Lauren should get a therapist.

Sharleen is being stiff and keeps calling Juan Pablo “sir” even though JP is super into her. He says, “We would say in Spanish she has “mundo”, she has “world”. She’s very elegant.” He walks away for a second, and she says, “He’s a good package, but you know, I guess I thought I would feel more of this insta-chemistry than I did.” And then he comes back with the first impression rose! OH GOD. Has anyone ever rejected the first impression rose? Will she? He calls her elegant again “I like the way you are.” And after a long, long pause she finally says, “Sure! Yes. Thank you, sir.” Because Sharleen is elegant and confused about her feelings. I think she should give him a chance because JUAN PABLO.

Other girls are sad and jealous, but the first impression rose is out, and it can’t be taken back. The only thing left is the first official rose ceremony.

He calls out: Claire, Nikki, Renee, Andi, Alli, Chantel, Lauren S, Kelly (and Molly her dog), Cassandra, Danielle, Chelsie. Then he calls out Kat’s name and Kylie smiles and comes sauntering forward as he hurriedly whispers “Kat! Kat!” and we can see a very special part of Kylie’s soul shrivel up and die before our very eyes. “Can you take both of us?” she jokes. But it’s too late. If it had been Kylie too, he would have just rolled with it. But now she’s going to throw up and die.

Back to the roses though: Victoria, Christy, Lucy (who TWIRLS away from him. DIE, LUCY.), Elise, and the final rose goes to Amy L.

That leaves Kylie, Amy J, Ashley, Alexis, Christine, Lacey, Maggie, Valerie, and Lauren H. all eliminated.

“People don’t always feel you the way you feel them,” Amy J cries to camera which I laugh about for approximately three hours because she’s a MASSEUR AND LITERALLY FELT TOO MUCH OF JUAN PABLO. And the other women are sad too.

But no matter! Next week the real fun begins with dates and drama and dresses! I’ll see you next Wednesday for the recap, and until then follow me over on twitter @Chasspod. (All photos care of abc.com; gif care of Yahoo Entertainment)

Henley Monday -A Day Late and a Dollar Short

It's finally happened. After months of consistently bringing you Henley Monday on Monday, I forgot to post yesterday. I could make an excuse about this or that, but seriously I just plain forgot until about ten minutes ago which makes me pretty awful.

But look! Look you guys. Look at Drake. Look at how chic his ensemble is. He has his henley layered, buttoned up, and even accessorized. He knows his Christmas so that heart wants to spread love this season, and he's obviously throwing up a peace sign to bring peace and good will to all. Good will even to those bloggers who forget their weekly duties sometimes.

Peace. Love. Henleys. Merry Christmas, y'all.

The Bachelorette - The Finale Recap

   It is finally here. The moment we have been eagerly awaiting for almost three months. Emily Maynard’s final decision and the start of the rest of her life of happiness! When we began our journey back in May, I had no prior knowledge of Ms. Maynard, and was fully prepared to be rooting against her and disliking her entirely. But, over the course of her jouner (ding-ding-ding! Bachelore trademark word!), she has completely won me over. All I want is for her and Ricki to have a happy life and complete family and so many freaking babies.

So let’s kick off! Finally we begin an episode with ZERO montages from the season before. But…we do start with Chris Harrison opening his arms to welcome us to a live studio audience which will watch alongside the rest of America. “The studio audience here is on the edge of their seats!” and the crowd goes WILD! After the Final Rose will also be live because we need to the minute updates on the lives of these three (four counting Ricki) people.

        We are still in Curacao, but now Ricki is here! And the Maynard girls are staying in a regular MANSE with a huge pool with a bridge over it and a private beach. Sheesh. They have all the luck. Emily is really worried about this choice she has to make. She needs “an exceptional man, who will be a great husband and a great dad” truth lady. Truth.

To help her make this decision, we meet Emily’s family who are staying in another manse on the island. Jef is first up to meet the family and he brings flowers for the mom and sister-in-law.

Emily’s mom, dad, brother, and future sister-in-law all sit down for what will be a very intense luncheon. They have good energy even though I’m sure everyone is super nervous and uncomfortable. Mom-Susie pulls Jef aside for a heart-to-heart, and they have just a really sweet and nice conversation. Jef is honest as always with Susie’s hard hitting questions about his intentions and readiness to be a dad.

     HOLY CRAP, GUYS! WE SEE THEM ACTUALLY EATING FOOD. Brother-Ernie has a half eaten Sammie in his hand, Jef is chewing, everything is ok! They have nutrition! Praise the harvest gods of Curacao!

The producers want us to believe that Ernie is going to be all mean and protective of his sister, but he’s a Maynard, so he’s protective in a kind and gentlemanly way. He and Jef chat about true love and if Jef really has a special enough connection (ding-ding-ding!) with her. Jef says “She had love, like, ripped from her. She knows what it feels like, and when she feels it again, she’ll know…And I’ve never been so in love with a girl.” Which…Jef. Oh, Jef. So sweet and beautiful. Ernie and Jef bro-hug it out.

                Now it’s time for Jef and Dad-David to discuss the exact same thing as with every other family member. So we’ll skip that, but Jef asks for his blessing to ask Emily’s hand in marriage. He gives it readily! Thanks, Daddy-David.

Jef feels that the day could not have gone better, but the final step will be for him to meet Ricki. But will she let him?!

After an unneeded interlude from Chrarrison where he says, “First things first, let’s find out!” which doesn’t entirely make sense. I mean, it does, but also, I don’t think it’s exactly accurate? Whatever, it’s Arie-time!

     Arie, in his never ending attempts to make me literally drool over him, wears yet another henley. They all sit down, and it’s soooooooo awkward. He tries to bond with her dad and brother about fishing, and fails. And he goes, “When I’m nervous, I talk a lot!” and he talked…a lot, at least that’s what the producers are having us believe.

I did notice that he didn’t bring flowers or any kind of gift, until he brings out the gift. He bought a box in a Curacao tourist joint and put every rose that Emily’s ever given him into the box. That is so heartfelt and thoughtful and sweet. It’s like he put his heart in a box like Davy Jones only less tragic and literal and kelp-y. “Each of them symbolize this journey [ding-ding-ding!] and adventure,” he says. Mom-Susie is smitten that he would give away something so precious to him.

Mom-susie and Arie have a lovely chat where Arie says, “I just want her to believe in us because I do.” SWOON, GUYS, SWOON. And I think Mom-Susie might be confusing her role in this because she says “I’m blown away. I really thought this would be easy today because of my feelings for Jef…but I just love them both.” Cool it, Mom-Susie. These men are not for you and your feelings.

         Next in succession is Ernie with his discerning eye who kind of accuses Arie of being slick. But Arie geeks out over his love from Emily and the smile broadens on Ernie’s face because love makes you dorky and even a sexy-ass racecar driver gets dorky in love. Ernie, too, is confused about what he should tell Emily as to her choice.

Now Daddy-David and Arie talk, and it’s all rainbows. We can kind of hear the live-studio-audience laughing where there is a dramatic pause after Arie asks for her hand in marriage. This is unnecessary. If there’s one thing the Bachelorette sorely does not need, it’s a laugh-track.

I am not a huge fan of the maxi-dress Emily is wearing today. It appears to be Missoni, but I’m not sure. The top is kind of strange and unflattering and the colors are garish in a not nice way. Anyways, when she sits down with the family to discuss their decision, they can’t give a straight answer. They both seem like real nice “fellas” and she is so ticked that they can’t tell her with whom they have a stronger connection (ding-ding-ding!).

     Mom-susie gives her good advice about needing to fit the guy into Emily and Ricki’s life rather than fit Ricki in Emily and Man’s life. She tells Emily to wait on any kind of engagement until they can figure out what life is really like together.  Emily is confused and sad but mostly confused.

This is the final date with Jef! We see Emily and Ricki being so cute to start it off, they eat breakfast and feed toast crusts to the birds. And then we skip right to Emily and Jef alone on a secluded beach. This date seems so natural and real. There is nothing special going on, so the conversation is just like that between two regular people in love.

     Jef really wants to meet Ricki. He is trying to be gentle about saying, “I freaking NEED to meet this kid!” by skirting that he loves kids and wants a family and that Emily is everything he’s ever wanted. Emily is understandably hesitant because she still carries a guilty conscience that she introduced Brad to Ricki and then it didn’t work out.

Jef tries to show her his perspective, and after a long pause, Emily decides that Jef shall meet Ricki! This is HUGE. HUGE, Y’ALL. I also can’t wait because the cuteness factor is gonna be through the roof.

    To make Ricki the most comfortable, they go to the house they’ve been staying in. They peer through the slatted doors at her playing in the pool. “That’s her!” Emily whispers to Jef’s lighted face. Then they meet and I temporarily loose feeling in my brain because Ricki is all giggling and showing Jef the tricks she can do in the pool. They bond instantly and she wants Jef to play in the pool too. He straps on a pair of matching pink goggles to Ricki’s, and they frolic about in the pool and my brain is dead because he’s so good with kids!

    Jef is so taken with her and loved every second of the fun they had. They feed the iguanas and play with hermit crabs and Ricki shows him all her stuffed animals. I can’t even handle it. Club can’t even handle me right now. Emily, Jef, and I are all in agreement that the day could not have gone better and was a really good decision.

     Now it’s “dinner” time, and I don’t think we’ll be so lucky as to catch them ingesting actual comestibles again. Emily tells Jef the best thing he could ever want to hear that Ricki asked if Jef could come back tomorrow to play. SO CUTE. They are all giggling while kissing and just talking.  

Jef presents her with a book about Curacao which at first blush is kind of lame, but then they open it and Jef has drawn stick figures of them all over the book. She laughs with delight. They are comfortable and easy together. He utters the famed phrase, “I just want to hold her hand until I’m 110.” The best.

Thunder cracks and lightning streaks the sky as Jef says the hardest good-bye of his life to Emily. It’s got to be hard to be so in love with someone, and not sure if you can really be with that person.

Now we’re back in the studio and Chrarrison desperately fills time by asking random audience members what makes Jef special and what they think about Emily being a single mom. Boring. Dumb. Come on! Get to the good-stuff!

   Back at the manse, we hear a knock on the door. Emily is wearing the outfit from the previews where she is having a breakdown. What’s going on!? She has a sense of peace about what she needs to do. She needs the fatherly advice of the sagacious Chris Harrison. They discuss bits and pieces about the guys and Ricki until finally she comes right out and says that Jef is her guy. She’s made up her mind that he is “everything she’s been looking for.” That is so sweet and great, but poor Arie. Oh, no. Poor, poor Arie. But Jef! She’s picking the Elvin King!

Chrarrison is genuinely happy for her, but levels with her about what to do about Arie. She knows she can’t sit through the entire date with Arie without crying and being a wreck. Emily doesn’t know how to even start the conversation that for as much as she loves Arie, she fell in love with someone a little bit more. The best piece of advice is for her to be as honest with Arie as she was with Chrarrison. Let’s hope she can follow through so as to spare some of the hurt and heartbreak.

She’s a wreck and pretty much can’t stop crying. I don’t blame her because she has to rip this guy’s heart in two.

Then we break to unsuspecting Arie at a botanical garden who learns how to make a love potion. He’s so excited and having fun and I just want to protect him. The fact that they’re making a love potion is so cruel. Oh,  the dramatic irony!

Emily is still crying as she approaches Arie at the gardens. By a miracle, she manages to pull it together enough that he can’t tell she’s been weeping all morning. The tone of voice and way she’s treating him is how she treats and talks to Ricki. She is in default mom-mode of trying to care for him. And then they sit down and she loses it. He’s being so good and comforting to her and asking what’s wrong.

     And then he realizes. You see the light behind his eyes die as he figures out that she’s dumping him. He doesn’t understand. How could he? He is the saddest panda in the whole world. She thought it was gonna be them all the way to the end. He is holding back the tears and she is openly weeping. This is rough. This is rough stuff. She barely manages to get out that she just has “more confidence in Jef” and that she meant all the things she ever said to Arie, but it’s hard.

He kisses her on the cheek and goes. “Good luck. I don’t know what else to say,” he manages. And it’s fine that he’s a little angry, but hugs her so hard that we can hear his heart beat on his body mic. It’s racing. That’s sad. His heart is racing because it’s breaking apart. He can barely get into the car with all the equipment, and leave Emily a sobbing mess. This is hard to watch, y’all.

The mood in the studio is somber, everyone’s face is drawn, and one woman wipes away a faux tear. Chris brings us back though as we talk with some former cast members. It’s Ashley and J.P.! They are so cute and in love! Ashley is so lovely and adorable, and J.P. is the epitome of man and charm. We talk to Deanna who commends Emily for sparing Arie the embarrassment of the engagement and not introducing him to Ricki. Then we talk to Bachelor family favorite Michael Stagliano! He has the same nice things to say that it’s really hard to be dumped on TV and that Arie will be just fine. Then the lady herself, Ashley Spivey, comes up in a SKIN TIGHT slamming dress. Sheesh, girl. She is happy for Emily.

     Now it’s all happiness and love back in Curacao. Emily is getting ready for her big day with Ricki who is wearing her super freaking cool fanny pack. Jef meets with resident creepy ring maker, Neil Lane, to pick out his engagement ring. He picks a good one, too. Jef can’t wait to be the best dad and best husband ever, even though he doesn’t know he’s the only guy left!

Emily’s dress is an earthen red clay color, all gossamer and wispy on the bottom, and heavily beaded up top. Very Amazon warrior-esque. I didn’t think I’d like it from the hanger, but she looks beautiful in it, and it moves like a dream. The only thing less than perfect is that I think her little podium of love might be set up right where she dumped Sean and had that sad conversation with him. Maybe not, but still, yeesh.

     The music is swelling, they are so excited! Jef WILL propose! Emily doesn’t know if she’ll say yes! And then he’s there. Jef, in his gorgeously, perfectly tailored navy blue suit with a tiny tie and POCKET SQUARE, is left by Chris Harrison at the gates to love. His smile is wide and his hair is high as he takes a moment to compose himself before approaching Emily.

Oops, y’all, I’m crying. Because Emily can tell him that the whole journey (ding-ding-ding!) was worth it because it brought her to him, her soul-mate. She can finally say that she loves him! So, so much! And she gets to tell him he’s the only one who met Ricki and the only one there today. It’s the best thing he’s ever heard.

     Then he takes her hands and starts being his eloquent self in telling her how much he loves her.  And that “it’s so rare that you find the person you’re meant to be with.” And I’m crying more. And he says, “I think God puts the right people in our lives, when the time is just right. And I feel like that with us.” And the tears are flowing. “I promise that if you let me into your life, and Ricki’s life, that you will never feel lonely again,” he earnestly professes. So earnest. Earnest Jef.

So he gets down on one knee, and shows the cameras the Neil Lane ring box, and asks Emily to marry him. After a pregnant pause, she smiles and says, “yes!” OUR GIRL DID IT! SHE’S ENGAGED TO THE LOVE OF HER LIFE! I’M SO HAPPY FOR HER AND HIM AND RICKI.

    And then to break my happiness they montage their relationship to “Glory of Love” by Peter Cetera because why the eff not to Peter Cetera the epitome of relevance? It’s so lame that I think it might be self-aware at how cheesy it is. Especially at the part when the lyrics are “like a knight in shining armor” and it shows Jef in his kilt shooting a bow and arrow. I’m laughing away my tears now because it’s so dumb happy.

The final image is of Ricki holding Emily’s hand and Emily holding Jef’s hand as they walk away toward their life of happiness together. What a perfectly sweet way to end this journey (DING-DING-DING!!!).

   That brings us to the end of the official episodes of this dramatic season of the Bachelorette. Thank you so much for coming along and reading all the antics of these crazy, wonderful people with me. I really feel confident in our connection, y’all, so I know when the next lucky Bachelor (please God let it be Sean or Arie) comes along, you’ll be right here with me.

Peace and love, Journeyers, peace and love.

Female Empowerment Friday - 

It's been a long week for most of us, and I would say you've more than earned a little dance party. So click play and let the moves just flow out of you. You are a beautiful woman who gets to call all the shots in your own love life and make men promise they won't fall in love with you, because you're that irresistible. That's right.

Have a great weekend, ladies! I'll just be over here chair dancing like a madwoman!

Henley Monday -

I'm pressed for time today folks, so let me cut to the chase: this is a picture of Jensen Ackles looking really nice and really thoughtful in a grey henley and holding a beer. What is troubling you buddy? I don't know and I don't care because it makes you look good! But obvs I hope it all gets sorted out. KISSES!

Beyonce Monday -

No explanation necessary. This is Beyonce's world and we are all just incredibly #blessed to be living in it. Bow down to the Queen Bey.

And remember this Monday, and all your other days: You have as any hours in each day as Beyonce.

Now go get it.

Female Empowerment Friday -

Today’s song is from Emeli Sande, one of my absolute favorite new female artists. She is straight up amazing. This song is one of my favorites to blast while I’m getting ready to go out because it makes me feel unstoppable and so affirmed! So do the same! Close your eyes and do a little dancing and let yourself feel full of life and wonder and fearlessness!

Her entire debut album “Our Version of Events” is fantastic as well. I highly recommend that for further listening throughout the day and your life in general.

The Bachelor Recap - Episode 1

               In the immortal words of Dr. Alan Grant in Jurassic Park III, “My God…we’re back.” And so we are! Back to another season of extravagant dates, multiple Katie’s and Ashley’s, drama, romance, and of course, a journey to find true love. Sean Lowe has recovered from his heartbreak over Emily Maynard to find God’s match for him. I wish him the best of luck and that the make-up artists would for THE LOVE OF GOD shade his eyebrows in a little.

If you will so kindly recall dear readers, last go round we started these recaps after episode three of last season of the Bachelorette, so this is the first time I’ve recapped the introductions episode and boy is this exciting. Let’s jump right in!

At minute 1:12 – We get a girl who says the catchphrase of reality TV: “I didn’t come here to make best friends.” YUP. YES. SAYING THESE WORDS DEFINITELY MEANS NOT ONLY WILL YOU GO FAR, YOU WILL WIN AND NOT BE HATED BY ALL OF AMERICA. FOR SURE.

Sean talks about how crazy this all is and how he can’t believe he’s here blah blah blah I can’t hear him because it’s voiced over a montage of him exercising and I’m distracted by a) his muscles b)his splotchy redness that he gets on his arms [I’m concerned] c) is he a ginger or is he blond??? Oh no, I’m broken from my reverie by the sad Emily montage. Good thing he dodged that bullet because now he’s here! For our entertainment! Yaaaaaay!

Just in case he didn’t hammer home the point enough last season, Sean is obsessed with his family and the idea of starting his own family. He more than anything wants a house full of “love and laughter”. This guy. Alright. We get it. You are great and family oriented.

He ends his monologue with “I want to protect my woman. I want to love my woman. I want to honor her. I want to love her with everything I have, and I want to be the best man I can be for her.” Which is sweet, but also maybe let’s cut down on referring to your soul mate as “your woman” ok, Texas?

Pointlessly, Arie shows up to Sean’s bachelor pad just chat like dudes over a beer about such producer suggested topics like being dumped by the same girl, breaking up with other girls, and kissing. A weird, weird moment happens where Arie gives his kissing tips, and while I find them to be accurate and good tips, it is just a weird moment that passes. After teaching the 29-year-old grown man Sean how to properly kiss, Arie leaves. Great.

Now, let’s meet some crazies!

We get an in depth look at a selection of women which can mean any number of things. Some will be front runners, some might be villains, some might be crazies who go home the first night.

First up is Desiree, a lovely Southern belle who is a bridal consultant dreaming of the day she finds the man who will enable her to find the white dress of her dreams.

Next up is Tierra. That’s right. Her name is Tierra. Is this show self-aware enough to know what they’re doing to me by having a serious contestant named TIERRA? Apparently, because she starts off by showing us her depth. “Some people who live without love and be fine with their whole life [sic all of that mess], but I’m the opposite.” Oh really? Really, Tierra? So some people (sociopaths) can live without love and be fine (devoid of measurable human emotion), but you are the opposite (sane/ capable of empathy)? Oh, GOT IT. You are STAND OUT, among these women now. Blown away.

She literally squeals when they tell her that the Bachelor is Sean. She tells her heinous little Yorkshire terrier to get excited. I die a little.

Robyn is next, a lovely African American business woman from Houston who is learning Spanish “the romantic, sexy language” because that’s measurable. She’s fine, and I appreciate the show at least trying to be less Caucasian-specific.

Dianna is a 31-year-old hair-stylist from Utah who tells us she’s 30. She is the mother of two girls who “mean the world to her.” She is pretty and her girls are sweet. She’s a divorcee and is looking to find soul mate number two.

Here comes Sarah, an advertiser from LA who was born with one arm! She is just beautiful and very positive about life. She doesn’t feel it defines her, and is excited to find a love who can just be a partner.

Holler to Michigan! Ashley is a hairdresser from Macomb, Michigan who has a cat and NO idea why she’s still single! Then she tells us her dream man is Christian Grey from “50 Shades of Grey”, and we get some insight as to why that might be. She’s obsessed and weird about it. “Spank me!” she says to the book. Oh God.

Lesley M. lives and works in Washington DC and is “a huge advocate for the environment” whatever that exactly means nowadays in politics (at first I typed this as “hug advocate” which actually sounds like a great job that I could get behind). She is blond and pretty and looks like any pretty sorority girl you might have known and generally liked in college. She is originally from Arkansas and claims to be a “modern Southern belle”.

Kristy is a Ford model who boxes. “Girls will be jealous of me. No question,” she states. Despite being super proud of being a Ford model in New York, she wants to be known as the Wisconsin, Midwestern girl. Fine. Let’s see you put away some brats, and then we’ll talk.

Ashlee is a professional organizer who loves her perfectly organized life! Oh Em Gee! She’s sweet but holy crap seems a little neurotic. However, just as my jury is about to come in about her, she flips it around telling a truly touching story of being adopted at age six by a pastor’s family after going through six foster homes in one year. She tells us that she remembers them promising that they will tell her they love her every day, and I tear up just a smidge because, come on.

Without further adieu, it’s time for the parade of ladies to meet Sean!

Ashlee the organizer is up first. She’s wearing a nice red dress. She’s sweet.

Jackie a cosmetics consultant comes next! She puts on some red lipstick and “puts her mark on him” with a kiss on the cheek. He says “thank you very much!” and is like “Cool. What do I do now?” inside.

Selma! Selma is a beautiful, raven haired real estate developer who wipes the kiss off Sean’s cheek. I already like her. Something about her just seems beautiful, fun, and good-natured. Please don’t prove me wrong, Selms.

Leslie H. a poker dealer comes up next. She keeps telling Sean that he is handsome and a hunk and forgets to tell him her name! She’s cute but bland.

Daniella a “commercial casting associate” (that’s a thing?) comes out and teaches Sean a secret handshake that he obviously fumbles over because he’s never done it before and then they just leave it. Her hair is a hot mess.

I may have spoken too soon on the hot-mess-hair train because out next walks Kelly, a “CRUISE SHIP ENTERTAINER” with heinous extensions. She’s from Nashville and therefore finds it appropriate to sing a ridiculous song to Sean. It includes the words “love to have you home to try my mama’s sweet tea” so I’ll just let you dream up what the rest of the hellish nightmare might be like.

Katie a 27-year-old yoga instructor comes out and centers his chakras for some good chi. she is barefoot and clearly a hippie.

Ashley Shades of Grey comes out in a slinky black sequin number! “So have you read any good books lately?” she probes. “I have actually!” Sean eagerly retorts, probably expecting some intellectually stimulating conversation. She tells him she read “50 Shades of Grey” as she pulls a grey silk tie out of the bust of her dress. His face is priceless.

“I’m guessing I know the symbolism behind this?” he asks.

“Yup,” she says, “Crazy!”

“Yyuh-essss,” he croaks out. Yes, Ashley. Yes. Crazy. You are crazy. Let’s TONE IT DOWN with the bondage talk at first introductions, kay?

We meet Taryn, Catherine, Robyn who tries to do two back-flips and falls on the second one, Lacey, Paige from the Bachelor Pad whose occupation reads “Jumbotron Operator” and I cannot believe that’s a thing. All their introductions are succinct and fine and nice.

Tierra emerges and is a little ball of orange light. I hate her already, perhaps unfairly but her name is TIERRA. She tells Sean, “I wanted to show you that I have a heart on my finger, and it’s open. And I hope that you’ll be the guy to complete it.” Then he tells her to wait right there for one moment.

What’s going on? What does this mean? Her smug face is hiding her inner panic and confusion. Sean finds the honorable Chris Harrison to find out if he can bend the rules.

When he comes back out to Tierra, he gives her a rose. Right off the bat, he likes Tierra enough to give her a rose and keep her around. Sean is a rebel. A real rose rebel. Surely this will not bode well with Tierra’s favor with the other women.

The next barrage of women brings Amanda who forces them to have a weird awkward pause that is actually awkward, Keriann who drove over 2,000 miles for him, Desiree our bridal stylist in a gorgeous red dress who has Sean throw pennies into the fountain with her, and Sarah our one-armed friend who claims she always envisioned falling in love on a TV show with 24 other women, Brooke a community organizer who purrs at him like Eartha Kitt, Diana forgets her name in her haste, and finally Lesley M. who runs a football play with Sean just to catch a view of his tight behind. I like you game, girl.

Kristy the Ford model leads with the fact that she’s the best from the Midwest, and again, I must challenge her to any kind of casserole or brat eating contest. Ashley, a model from….Denver? Denver has models now, I guess. Arrives. She is slinky. Lauren’s family owns an Italian restaurant and threatens Sean’s life! Ha ha!

Oh my god. Oh no. Lindsay just got here. Lindsay is wearing a full wedding dress and veil and goes right in for a kiss on the lips that Sean desperately tries to get on his cheek. “I’ve got balls!” she quips. “I hope not,” he manages.

And that’s our 25. But wait! What’s this?! There is one more person arriving. One more woman from the Bachelor family who will vie for Sean’s attention.

It’s Kacie B.!!! Kacie B. from Ben’s season last winter who made it far, but ultimately dodged a horrible bullet. She’s back to try and win Sean’s love after developing a crush on him between seasons. I loved Kacie and really hope that this works out for her. Sean and Kacie as a couple make sense, and I hope he really gives this a shot.

The girls are suspicious of her, but not outwardly super hostile. She’s in for some drama most likely, but if she’s the Kacie we know, she’s got the guts to get through it.

Desiree is upset saying that she had her chance with Ben, so what makes her think it’ll work with Sean? Well, Des, for starters, they are two completely different men, so perhaps that might be the root of her presumptions.

Sean wants everyone to feel at ease. To break the tension, they all let out a big scream. The cocktail party of doom begins with all the women fighting for one man’s attention.

Sean talks to Kacie first, and he gallantly offers his jacket to ward off the cold. He’s shocked and surprised to see her, but she’s confident and is trying to make him see her as more than just a friend. He and I agree that it’ll take some getting used to, but we all hope it’s worth it if there’s something there. So glad we’re all on the same page, team.

As the party goes on, Sean is handing out roses left and right, throwing the women into an absolute tizzy. Every time they see a new woman walk by with a rose, they question what is going on and try to parse out the meaning behind it all. Cattiness ensues of course, as they all try to get a rose.

Eventually some bright woman figures out that he’s just giving out roses as he feels a strong connection with any woman. This seems like a good idea to me, so he has fewer names to remember at the big rose ceremony and it helps relieve some of the anxiety for the women.

Lindsay in the wedding dress is concerned that Sean may not have understood her joke and wacky sense of humor in this whole ordeal and makes a quiet plea to the gods to be “more sober” as she tries to get to know Sean.

Her pleas, it seems, go unanswered as she asks Sean to dance and tries to demand a kiss from him. He is being gracious and laughing the whole way through. They have a truly weird conversation about being traditional and her really being a good girl. He graciously shirks her off and escapes with his life.

Back to Ashley Shades of Grey being the captain of the hot mess train. She starts “sexy dancing” all over the house which just equates to her shaking her booty and making duck face.

Kacie aptly observes, “She just needs a lot of water. Water, people!” I have missed her wry wit.

Ashley is insane. And will not let go of the “Fifty Shades of Grey” thing. Sean makes a joke about a rape whistle which is actually pretty funny. She tells Sean they are going to get married. He is terrified. He has never been more scared in his life. But somehow manages to still be super charming. For being simple, he sure knows his way through an awkward conversation.

There is already a woman who can’t handle “the process”, as they refer to a “TELEVISION COMPETITION FOR LOVE” on this show. She is a weepy mess and just keeps crying because she doesn’t understand how to compete for a man.

Sarah also feels self-conscious about fighting for Sean’s attention. She’s worried what he might assume about her having one arm. Totally unrelated to her completely valid sentiment, is that they shoot her from some bizarrely terrible angle such that her face looks bloated and fat. It is not bloated and fat in the least bit. This girl is tiny, but the angle they have on her makes her look like a big old fat neck. It’s weird.

They end up talking and she addressed the elephant in the room. Sean likes her! They hit it off, and I enjoy her. I would enjoy her even if she was a real big old fat neck and not a pretend one.

I’ve noticed that the girls have all busted out their finest cross and icthus jewelry so Sean is sure to know they deeply share his faith in God. I’m weirded out by this flaunting of religion as a turn-on or a good “strategy”.

At the start of the rose ceremony, twelve women already have roses. So there are only seven roses remaining. Wait…seven? SEVEN?! That is insane. Normally they cut right to 15 people but 19?! Oh we are gonna drag this crap out, aren’t we ABC?

So to save confusion, I’ll just tell you who’s going home, as you have no idea who anyone is yet:  Italian Lauren, Lace laden Lacey, 2000 miles Kariann, Bachelor Pad Paige, Kelly the Cruise Ship Entertainer, Ashley the Denver model, and Ashley Shades of Grey.

Yes, that means Kacie B is safe, yes that means Wedding Dress is safe, and yes, Fifty Shades of Cray is going back to Michigan where she will hopefully stay and not spread her madness outside the realms of the Mitten state.

Tune in next week for more madness as Sean departs full throttle on his quest to find love! Drama, emotions, cat fights, shots of Sean’s chiseled physique, and ugly cocktail dresses all await!  See you on the other side, journeyers.