Day 4/271 Days Until Finishing My A-level Resit

I finally got my hands on the harry potter x kinder joy!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I've been trying to find them but they were sold out everywhere so I gave up...

Until my bestfriend called and told me she found it in a shop nearby AND.I.FUCKING.BOLTED.

Ik it's just a bit of momentary joy and I'll have to get back to studying chemistry in minutes cuz it's exam week BUT boi do i feel happy!!!!

My bsf is more sensible and responsible so she bought only two and got Hermione and draco pin

And cuz I'm insane and bought like 14 of them I have an extra pair of the big three ,so I'm giving a ron and harry figurine to her 🤎

I didn't get hedwig so I'm a bit disappointed (cuz another friend of mine teased me about it uh -_-)

BUT totally worth it.yipeeeeee

Goddess of Rot

I am going to eat grapes at midnight, if this doesn't magically fixes my entire life then what's the point???

I need to find my way back

Closure.

[looking back at a diary entry]

It's 31st May , 2024 , 6 am in the morning

I didn't sleep at all I stayed up doing random things, but all of it ended with me praying

well , for someone as pathetic as i

there could me many things to pray for ;

a better life , health , my parents to (finally) love me , good grades , any improvement of any sort infact

But at the end of a day and the start of another

I find myself praying for him

for how I wish I could hug him goodbye

how I wish I could meet him for one last time

how I wish I could look into his eyes one last time

how I wish I could hear him laugh one last time

How I wish I could see him smile one last time

and oh how I wish to just lay my eyes on him one last time

to just rest my eyes on him and memorize every little detail

the way his almond eyes are a little widespread

the way his nose scrunches as a reflex everytime he's in sun

the his smile is slightly titled towards left

the way his lips just stay in the same position when he laughs

the way his eyes catch the first hint of emotion that eventually creeps across his face

the way he raises his eyebrows subconsciously

the way he touches his nose everytime he is thinking

the way he shifts his head to one side whenever he stands

the way his teeth are bent forwards at a 10° angle

he is a beautiful boy

I probably don't even remember what he looks like exactly

I would just love to admire him one last time

I was not sure whether i should use past or present tense when I talk of his face

I am sure he changed

He probably looks prettier now

only to make me hate myself more

I often wonder if he is completely oblivious to my feelings

is he completely unaware of how much I want to hug him

not to feel anything but just a warm embrace

by him

by the first boy I fell in love with when I was just a kid

the first boy whose name I wrote at the back of my diary to find "flames" of lol

Embracing him would be like embracing my entire childhood

my ages through puberty

my acne phase

my bob-hair-tomboy-anjali phase

my boyband phase

my bangs phase

my theater phase

my artist phase

my jee phase

through it all he was there

not physically but somewhere in my heart

Just there

like an asshole really

somewhere he shouldn't be

but just with his legs on the table with shoes still on , a ciggerate in one hand and my diary in other

he owns it

he knows the command he has over me even if he isn't there

is that what romanticizing someone out of bounds feels like?

someone who isn't yours, was never yours ,will never be yours

but you know that the world is a game of gamble

and even a chance as small as a spec of sand is still a chance

and you hold onto that chance so dearly that everything you think about is consumed by that tiny possibility against the innumerable odds

yet you fight the world and it's rules just to think of yourself as his and his as yours

irrationally , erratically, irresistibly

I fantasize sometimes that maybe if i hugged him good bye

maybe then he would take his shoes off the table and leave

maybe that hug could do what almost 10 years of life couldn't

I fantasize sometimes that maybe if i had a huge fight with him and told him to get out

maybe then he would flip me off and leave

maybe that fight could do what almost 10 years of life couldn't

but that hug and that fight are the spec of sand

against the odds that I might never see him in this lifetime

and if I do I am sure that I would turn into that little girl again who understood what being vulnerable meant at an alarmingly young age

I wish I could just lie in his arms and cry

cry about how much I miss him

about how much I wish he was mine

about how much I hate him

about how difficult it has been to hate him

and about how I would go to the moon and back just to see him break into a titled smile

I was literally ready to fight anything and anyone to protect him

and I did

until i realised that he doesn't want my protection

until I realise how foolish it was to go to battles for someone who doesn't even want you to

; not because they care about you getting hurt

but because they wouldn't care at all even if you died

maybe he was blind and didn't see me

Or maybe he saw me and used my help and just left like that

I truly don't know which one is worse

I hate how much space he consumes of my thoughts

I hate how everything reminds me of him

his song pops up in my recommendations

everytime I open my eyes I see his favourite colour

when I open my phone and there are messages from him

when I open my phone and there are no messages from him

i hate how much I love him

when I don't cross his mind at all

[please read the previous poems for context ly]

Letters from juliet (IV)

I woke up today and realised

that it isn't about your name not being there on my lips

it's not about the roses not smelling like you

or the coffee not reminding me of us

or me not being afraid of thunder anymore

It's the fact that I wish it wasn't this way

I , deeply, desperately, delusionally wish for -

my lips to be stained by your name

not just roses but every single flower to remind me of you

me to be scared of every thunderstorm

and that is because

a part of me

a stupid godamn part of me

wishes that you'll be there to comfort me

maybe I'm still holding onto that part of me

a poet Ahmad Faraz once said

"ranjish hī sahī dil hī dukhāne ke liye aa

aa phir se mujhe chhoḌ ke jaane ke liye aa"

Just the thought of you coming back generates more happiness than the inherent pain of you walking away

which you will

you always do

with so much ease

it makes me question humanity

Maybe you didn't like me

but just for humanity,

I expected you to turn around

but you didn't

Or maybe you did and I didn't catch you

(Even though I haven't looked away since the first time I saw you)

how is it so easy for you?

how is it so hard for me?

did you ever have tears in your eyes for me?

No

No you didn't

I did

Way too many times

I am drowing in them right now

I don't know why I have them

Maybe I am sad that you have left

maybe I am sad that I didn't leave with you

Maybe I am sad that you left with someone else

Maybe I am worried that this "someone" won't love you as much as I did

Maybe I am worried that this "someone" does love you as much as I did

Maybe I am angry that I made a fool of myself

That I wasted my time on you

maybe that's all you were

a waste of time and energy

maybe that's how I want to remember it

But the stupid part of me won't let that happen

I want to remember you as my first love

As the first person I shared a part of myself with

The first person who made me feel stupid

The person who made me a hopeless romantic

And then left me hopelessly

and now I want to turn into you

I want to pretend to care

I want to pretend to like someone

I don't want to be a hopeless romantic anymore

So that just the way I fixed you

Someone fixes me

I am sure many people want to

Many people are stupid like me

Yk the worst thing about habits?

they take 21 days to form

But won't even go away in 21 years

(I can't confirm it I'm still 16)

"Marne ke baad bhi meri aankhen khuli rhi

Aadat pari thi inhe intezaar ki"

~habits

maybe it's not even the "habit"

maybe it's just the aftertaste of it

maybe the aftertaste is like a scar

which heals over time but still leaves an imprint

"i looked down on my body

only to find myself drowned in those footprints

a sign of visitors"

I have to come to terms with it

That I am here and will always be

But you have walked away

far away

I have to let these scars heal

I have to

I can't let them stay open

they'll catch an infection

maybe I want them to

because that stupid part of me

hopelessly hopes that'll you'll come to treat it

that you'll kiss it better

you won't

someone will

someone will walk in to treat all the wounds they didn't create

someone will walk in to heal something they didn't break

"i saw the tides gently wipe away some of these footprints while leaving the most

only to make space for more visitors to come

the visitors leave , their footprints stay

until another visitor walks over them"

Name/place/other things

(she/her) 🩷🌷 studyblr / writerblr / desiblr

hiii!! I'm pari - (puh-ree) this is actually the pet name that my family and or close friends call me by so I thought that'll make this account a bit more personal (it means fairy/angel 🧚)

Age : 18!!!!

Grade : - 12th+ / gap year

preparing for : jee mains and adv + fashion school + cbse boards improvement

My subjects are :

Physics

Chemistry

Maths

English

Physical education

hobbies 🌷: dancing, painting/sketching, reading/writing poetries , reading books, watching movies

____________________________________________

movies- I'm a self proclaimed cinephile, I'm a big bollywood munchie. I've actually grown up on bolly films and I think watching movies has kept me sane

favourite/comfort movies 🩷

yeh jawani hai deewani (prolly watched this 27271 times).

dil dhadakne do (criminally underrated)

taare zameen par (childhood trauma)

gangs of wasseypur (I'm from bihar so..).

jane bhi do yaaron (way ahead of it's time).

kal hona ho (srk fangirlism)

tamasha (relatable af)

_____________________________________________

music- I do listen to music quite a lot , my taste? everything except for the ones I dislike lol ,and i think because I learnt dancing ever since I was a child I tend to lean towards pop beats but I also listen to slow music quite a bit

favourite songs (at the moment) 🩷

Merry Christmas, Please Don't Call by bleachers

Pop Muzik by M,Robin Scott

Diet Pepsi by Addison Rae

I bet on losing dogs by mitski

Juno by Sabrina Carpenter

Femininominon & HOT TO GO! by Chappell Roan

Baawre by Shankar Mahadevan.

Believe by Cher

Ophelia by The Lumineers

G.O.A.T by Diljit Dosanjh

_____________________________________________

books/novels - I haven't read anything new in the past two years other than my academic books , but I'm interested in literature a lot and I'll read any good literary piece no matter the genre

favourite books 🩷:

The kite runner by Khaled Hosseini

Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

And the mountains echoed by Khaled Hosseini

Normal People by Salley Rooney

A thousand splendid suns by Khaled Hosseini

Under the oak tree by Suji Kim

____________________________________________

Why Tumblr?

I have had this account for a while but I only used it for reading smut 😶‍🌫️ lmao and now I want to use it to bring some decorum in my life.

I think writing a blog about my day is a good way to keep myself in check. I'll be treating this blog like my journal.

My lifestyle has been very messed up from the last two years , so along with studying, I'm also gonna focus on getting my shit together in general. this account would revolve around the same , but I also yap a lot so I'm gonna talk about some random musings as well :3 :)) ;)

Last one standing

Unique ; is it the new normal?

I was 4 when I first heard the adjective

I was 10 when I heard it being used for me

I was joyous and blushed timidly in glee

I thought of myself as distinctive as the snow that falls on December 1st

I thought of myself as the honey dew that quenches the oak's thirst

i thought of myself as sole as the titanic beneath the sea

I thought of myself as second to noone ; there's only and only me

But as I grew up

I stepped down

I lurched around

I stumbled upon an abundance

Of personalities that strike resemblance

to me , and me to others

"Was it all just a farce?"

Was I not as unparalleled as the striking beauty of marble under moon?

was I not as novel as the trooping of hues paraded across june?

was I not as isolated in this world as i thought I would be?

I wanted to be second to noone; the world to have only and only me

But as I walk through my life I find a piece of myself in everyone I see

some beautiful some horrific

and some beautifully horrific

some prude , some so kind

some weak and some with a sharp mind

some eccentric, some basic

some with witts and some ritz

some ambitious, some unsure

and some who couldn't take it anymore

but one piece that I'd find in them all

t'was their wish to be the last one to fall

that one piece encapsulating everything-myself

a bit of me that made them me

a bit of me that made me myself

no matter who's in the right and who's wrong

no matter whose weapon is feeble and whose strong

no matter who started first

no matter who said more

I'll always have the last laugh

I'll always reach the shore

so I am second to noone

there will only and only be me

because I'll be the last one standing

no matter what the scene

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