🍂 Info 🍂

Heart- Break again finds a Way

In Strom, I tend to play defensive rather than going with the flow, enjoying the beauty of destruction. I constantly shove my face too deep inside the sand, so that I can ignore my feelings until they lose their voice by screaming. I fell in love with a boy, at the age of twenty-four, you would think I would be mature enough to handle a silly crush, however, that's not how the mind works when you get to know that silly crush also likes you back. Well, crush is a powerful word, it was more like a stupid joke rather than crush. We both fell in love but I fell harder, I used to wait for his text and calls when he is not even ready for something long-term, not like I was thinking of long-term. But unfortunately, it's me who crashed harder. The anxiety inside my mind forced me to analyze every and each word, every action, which turned me into a big ugly green-eyed monster that may be and hopefully, I am not. He drunk-texted me the L-word which again made me hopeful and again made me sad thinking he would run the moment the clarity will hit him the next morning. And he did the same thing, I imagined he would. But at the same time, I get to realize one thing, someday I will find someone who will not be afraid to join in my weirdness and won't say he is confused. I deserve someone who won't hesitate to take my hand and also came to the conclusion, someday he is also gonna find someone who will have the patience to wait for him, let him go at his slow pace. Alas, and fortunately that person is not me.

There was happiness because of you and there will be happiness after you.

There's something about midnights, when you think you'll find yourself once again.

Midnights track list :

Track 8: Vigilant Shit

Track 13: Mastermind

man. the secret history has become so synonymous with dark academia that when u look through the tag its just knit sweaters and latte art. like please show me a text post about how fucking unhinged richard was for staying in a room with a Literal hole in the wall during the dead of winter and almost dying of hypothermia.

"Sometimes being offered tenderness feels like the very proof you've been ruined"

source: Pinterest

you coulda been gettin' down to this sick beat!

Love never hurts, only people do☘

Waiting Until 35 Years Old

T/N:

Author: 南康白起--Nan Kang Bai Qi (1980-2008）

“Waiting Until Thirty Five Years Old” was written in 2006 after Nan Kang broke up with his boyfriend of seven years, expressing his desire to wait for him until thirty-five years old.

Two years later, at twenty-eight years old, Nan Kang jumped into Hunan province’s Xiangjiang river.

1.

A while ago at the furniture shop, a brown sofa caught my eye. Spacious. Comfortable. One could probably stick half a person's body inside. The price was four thousand something, and I said to husband: "I'll buy it and give it to you, it'll be a wedding gift." He looked at me, surprised, and said: "Nonsense." Then he went on to inspect a small table, a face full of interest.

Even I could see through such an obvious attempt at concealment. It's really unnecessary. But aside from this, he probably didn't have anything else to do, or anything else to say. I watched his figure from behind, and let out a weak smile.

Actually, he doesn't know. I wasn't angry, and neither was I purposely saying upsetting words. I really just wanted to buy some things to gift to him.

2.

Arrived at the terminal and got off the bus. It was already dusk. We slowly walked back on foot.

I tilted my head to look at his profile. The gold of the setting sun was smeared on his face, softening his silhouette. You can clearly see the soft fuzz on the sides of his nose. Husband's hair is plentiful. Aside from his neck and chin stubble, even his cheeks and the area above his Adam's apple has fuzz. I always tried to persuade him to shave those two spots. He wasn't willing, afraid that after shaving, the hair will grow back stiff, and his entire lower face will be shadowed, like he was wearing a half-mask.

Returned home. The suitcase was opened in the living room. He continued packing, and I pretended to not see. Which belongings were his, and which were mine, after all this time he could still tell them apart.

3.

Husband laid facing up on the bed, and I laid on his body. I nudged upwards, placing my face against his.

He seemed to enjoy it, and rubbed his face against mine.

For me, an embrace was more significant than sex. Sex can rise from passion, but embracing came from whole-hearted trust and love, defenselessly presenting oneself.

Skin meeting skin, ear rubbing against hair, those two phrases were written well.

4.

From 1999 to 2006, throughout 7 years, loving this person, almost as if they became a part of your body, naturally existing. Sometimes you can't even feel it, but when the time comes to cut it off, you're unwilling, pained, wanting to cry.

Husband asked me if I will ever love another person. This really was a heavy topic, so I instead turned it into a joke. "Probably," I said. "Who knows, one day I'll suddenly fall in love akin to a lighting strike, setting dry wood on fire, spreading out a thousand miles."

Husband was amused into laughing. "I know the type you like. Mature. Steady." In short, someone who will always stand in front of me like Optimus Prime.

In the past, a classmate had said: "In the future, you have to find someone who can keep you under control." Probably because I'm really too childlike sometimes. After getting to know my roommates, I would often pull pranks and stir up trouble with them. Thank goodness no one really minded, and they would only helplessly laugh.

"Not just that. If it's someone I really like, then I can't do anything about it. Else, if someone wants to chase me, mature and steady aren't enough. Also need to be handsome. And have money."

5.

I've thought about this before. I don't know what kind of person I'll end up liking in the future. But after thinking back and forth, I always end up thinking of husband. Only his face will pop up in my head, and I absolutely can't fathom a second person. If not him, then no one else. Sometimes it really makes me feel hopeless.

Thinking of his wedding gift, my favorite phrase: "May the days be peaceful, and this life steady," I can stick that on the gift for him. After all, I can't use it for myself.

6.

Oftentimes, I want to tell him. "If one day you can't anymore, you can come and find me, I'll be waiting." Plant the seed in his heart, let him feel guilty, let him think of me at all times.

Let him know that he always has a road back, so that he won't endure any grievances.

Wait until the opportunity comes, and this seed will sprout, and I will reap the harvest.

But I also really want to tell him, "Since you've decided to get married, then you don't need to think about the past. Focus on living your life." Conform to the majority's way of life, things will be much easier, and it'll be another type of blessing.

What's more, there's another woman involved in all this. Thinking about it, she's the most innocent party.

I waver back and forth between these two ideas, unable to decide.

7.

In the end, I still selfishly sent him a text. "I'll wait for you until thirty-five years old. If you haven't returned by then, I'll look for someone else."

I'm not innocent, but neither am I guilty.

I merely just like a person.

"Dying and living, meeting and parting, I once pledged to you, grasping onto your hand, I'd grow old with you." Such a tragic poem. Life and death and separation are all too important and all out of our control. Compared to the forces of the outside world, us humans are so small, so small! Yet we insist on saying: "I will forever be with you, never parting throughout my entire lifetime." As if we had any control. - Eileen Chang

8.

It’s half a month before his wedding, and a week since he's moved out. We haven't seen each other since then, and he hasn't replied to my text. I don't know how he felt after reading it.

Coming to this point, I don't blame anyone. Because I've long been aware. I've long clung to the thought that "Even one more day is earned." These few years of happiness and bliss were all stolen, and it's time to return them.

I don't want to point fingers and say that this society isn't fair, what's the use of that?

I've always been a timid person, without the determination and courage to fight, always hiding in the corner, trying to not attract attention.

8.

He's the department's deputy manager, after all. When he moved out, a lot of people came to help out. Subordinates. The moving company. I sat on the living room sofa, watching. Amidst the coming and leaving crowd, someone asked me to lend a hand. I pretended to not hear, trying my best to control myself, but my expression nonetheless took a turn for the worse.

Those subordinates probably thought our relationship wasn't good. After making a few jokes and seeing I didn't reply and only returned a perfunctory smile, they no longer bothered me.

In TV shows and movies, when it came to goodbyes, the background extras would always disappear, leaving behind only the two main characters.

But when it came to the end, and everything had already been moved out, he had to follow them to the new house, and the subordinates were noisily asking him to treat them to a meal. In the end, us two never had a chance to talk.

10.

I sat on the sofa, attentively listening to the ruckus downstairs. I heard his voice, the sound of a car engine starting. I stood up and leaned forward on the balcony, looking down. The cars were slowly driving away.

I watched his car drive onto the road, watched as it was blocked from my view by a building, and watched until I could not see it anymore.

I cleaned up the papers and various garbage he left behind, found some laundry to soak in the wash basin, and once again wiped all the glass.

I needed to find something to do.

11.

He always resisted his own sexuality. Sometimes I thought, if there wasn't me, he would definitely end up liking some girl.

He never once said that he liked me. Even though we lived together, even though we often made love. He's never said this sentence, as if once he said it, he would personally confirm his identity.

I've never said it to him either, only written it once or twice in letters. "I love you," this sentence, was hard to say out loud.

12.

Sleep quality has fallen to the bottom this week.

I obviously was very tired. Yet after I lied down, I'd sink into a half-awake, half-asleep dizzying state. Sometimes I'd hear a loud noise, or I'd think of him, think of the past, and my entire person would become alert. I'd uncontrollably think about this and that, not able to fall back asleep, staying awake until the sun rises.

I tried a few times to get up in the middle of the night to read a book or scroll through the Internet. Not even half an hour later, I'd feel fatigued and get back into bed. Yet I still was unable to fall asleep.

In university, I already had this sort of nocturnal lifestyle. Roommates would call me a night owl.

I tried sleeping pills, but I really disliked the feeling of waking up after medicine-induced sleep.

After graduation, this problem had gradually resolved itself, but now it's once again relapsed.

13.

I heard this story a long time ago. A widow would scatter a hundred copper coins every night. And she would search for them one by one. The corners, the bottom of the bed, after finding them all, it would basically be morning. One can understand that her actions were due to loneliness, but even though it's understandable, there's no way to sympathize.

Today I once again thought of this story, and I sympathized.

14.

Nowadays I'm pretty much in this situation. Can't sleep at night, blank out after waking up, not feeling particularly sad, just at a loss as to how to pass time. Aside from loneliness, he left nothing behind. Thinking about the future, and how I would perhaps live like this for many more years, it was frightening. So I was scared, perhaps I couldn't persevere until thirty-five years old.

15.

When we were in school, first year of university, we lived in the same dorm room. It was right when the two of us were at a frustrating ambiguity.

One night in my sleep I suddenly yelled out his name twice. Then I woke up, and heard him respond with a dazed "Hm?" from his bed.

Knowing that he was there, in that moment, I suddenly felt at ease. I turned around, and continued sleeping.

16.

When my older sister gave birth to my nephew, it was through C-section. I wasn't there, my parents and brother-in-law were, and they sent her into the delivery ward.

Afterwards she told me: "At that time I had to know that your brother-in-law was there to feel at ease. Even though I knew that him being there didn't affect anything, it wasn't like he was a doctor. But I still needed to take a look at him, to not be so afraid.

This must be the significance of a husband and wife to one another! With the status of a husband and wife, regardless of whether or not they loved each other, they were different from everyone else.

And so I heard a lot of stories like these. Where regardless of how badly the husband treated his wife, she still wouldn't divorce him. Because sometimes at night when you wake up, just knowing that there was someone by your side, a living and breathing human, regardless of how useless and bad of a person, compared to strangers and friends, he was still your closest person. Sometimes, just him being there was sincerely a type of comfort.

17.

And so I was scared. Family, children, they were all restraints. If one day, he really decides to never leave her, really decides to just go on like this, what should I do?

18.

Yesterday I received an email from him, saying that he misses me, likes me, and doesn't want me to blame him. Honestly speaking, with his lack of writing skills, it was probably the best thing he's written his entire life.

Over and over again, I kept looking at it, all sorts of feelings welling up in my heart. Saying these types of things only after everything's been decided.

I briefly told my friend about the email, and said to her arduously, "Look at this person. He says that he likes me, but he still makes me feel so difficult."

19.

I don't blame him, really. It's just that, the regrets and feelings are countless.

We've never seriously discussed the future. A lot of things didn't have to be said clearly. I knew what kind of person he was, knew that he would definitely marry in the future. There was a beginning but would never be an ending, this has been decided from the start.

He was a worldly person, and he would never let himself go against the norm. If the outside world's perception didn't exist, perhaps the two of us could live on quietly like this. But there would always be rumors and hearsay. The higher his position, the more attention he'd receive.

20.

Recently he's probably worrying over wedding invitations, about whether or not to send me one. Every time I think about it, I can't help but laugh, thinking about his distressed and silly appearance.

Some friends from university are coming from other cities to attend the wedding. If they don't see me there, they'd definitely ask. After all, everyone knows that we continued living together after graduation.

In the end, I decided to not go. He's marrying someone else, he can't expect me to happily say "Congratulations, may you live a long and happy life." It's too cruel of an expectation.

21.

Before I was ten, my house was next to my grandparents', so they basically watched me grow up.

Then my grandpa and them moved away to live with my uncle. Once when he was talking about my sisters and I, he said: "I can't say much about those little girls, but that son of hers, has his ideas straight.

To have my ideas straight just means that I had very strong opinions and didn't listen to what others said. I don't know how I ended up with this evaluation.

My mother also agreed. She said I would keep walking down any road I chose, not willing to stop until I hit a wall.

Especially since I'm older now, she manages me even less. Just that sometimes she'd urge me to hurry and find a girlfriend, saying that if a man didn't have a woman to take care of him, his life would be much shorter. Her attitude is still pretty mild. It's always been the case that regardless of what she said, I would not refute. But after she finishes speaking, I would still do whatever I chose to do, only being agreeable on the surface.

I tried to sound her out a few times, saying that I didn't like anybody, that I can't even take care of myself, how can I marry someone else, that I'll just spend the rest of my days by myself.

She's very worried.

But in the end, living by yourself is still easier to accept than being homosexual. In my isolated and backwards hometown, they probably haven't even heard of two guys being together, or maybe they completely refuse to believe that such a thing exists in this world.

22.

Recently I've been pondering whether or not I should leave this city. I stayed here because of him. Now that he's left, I also should leave. Staying here would only constantly remind me that, not far from here, there's a wife by his side, and perhaps a child as well in the near future.

Maybe I should go to Beijing. It's a change of environment, and it's closer to home.

But then what in the future? Maybe I would eventually purposely block out all news and messages about him.

I wish for his happiness more than anyone else in this world. However, knowing that I'm not a part of that happiness, nevertheless hurts.

23.

The "Six Records of a Floating Life" blog post I wrote in the past was once again pushed to the top. Comparing it to now, I could only softly let out a sigh.

It was so blissful back then. The sky was so blue, the trees were so green, looking at anything felt like I was singing. I said that I was afraid to dream of a 'forever,' but that was only an act.

I remembered he once said "A lifetime stretches left and right, I'd better find someone who's pleasing to the eye."

I can still hear those words in my ear, but I've already plummeted from the sky to the ground.

24.

The good news is, the classmates from the far away north arrived after two nights on the train. Their mentor had granted them a two-week vacation.

I mentioned before in "Six Records", that within all these classmates, there was this one person who knew the situation. Because of this, at graduation, I even wrote him a half-grateful half-joking piece -- "To owe an intimate friend," skillfully writing half a page of emotional words, letting everyone have a good laugh.

A few of the classmates who's here for graduate school or work found out that he arrived, and planned a reunion to get drunk as a welcome reception.

He firmly replied: "Who said that I was here to attend the wedding?"

25.

In the past, we always joked that he was more upright than an ascetic monk. In all four years of college, he'd fall asleep and wake up on time. We never saw him go to the movies, or buy snacks, or skip classes.

He remained a respectful distance from everyone, even to the point of strolling and shopping alone. So in our fourth year, when he asked me to go with him to Ding Wang Tai (place in Changsha, China) to look for books, I was flattered by the sudden favor.

He said that he hasn't been back in a long time, so he pulled me to be a strong man. This wedding, neither of us were going.

To be honest, I felt a sigh of relief within my heart. It's hard to explain if I don't attend, but if I went, it'd be the same as sending myself to die by a thousand cuts. People say that once pain reaches an extreme, the wound would heal quicker, but I couldn't promise myself that I could hold on.

Hearing that husband was getting married, rushing from the distant northeast to come accompany me, seizing this entire matter and pulling me out from it. Because of all this, I'm grateful from the bottom of my heart.

Everyone else thinks that he has some conflicts with husband. They keep asking around, trying to mediate, phoning husband and telling him to come over, trying to get him to apologize.

He didn't pay any attention to this, taking me around the city for two days, revisiting old places.

26.

Recently, my sleep still hasn't been good. My eyes are dry and painful. Eye drops aren't helpful no matter how much I used.

After strolling around yesterday, I felt really tired, and rested my eyes on the sofa.

He sat at the table across from me, and asked how I was feeling.

It was the first time we've straightforwardly talked about this matter. Even though he knew about it before, he wouldn't ask us about any details, and I also didn't tell him. He was one hundred percent heterosexual, and he would feel awkward. I was also afraid that talking about it would make him ill at ease or even annoyed.

But aside from him, I didn't have another person to talk to. Hearing the pity in his voice, I suddenly bursted into tears. I've been repressing and enduring, trying to pretend that it wasn't anything. Being always dejected, I've already gotten used to it. I already couldn't loudly cry out to my heart's content, only endlessly letting out tears, choking and struggling to breathe, replying: "It hurts."

27.

He couldn't say anything. The matter between two people, regardless of how good of a friend one was, there was very little room to interfere.

Talking about the future, I mentioned that I would wait for him until I was thirty-five years old. He was extremely opposed to it, saying that it was unrealistic.

28.

Feelings had always been unrealistic. Liking a person wasn't because he was good and handsome, and wasn't because he had money. Besides, he wasn't handsome, and didn't have money. I knew more than anyone else all of husband's flaws. He procrastinated, always waiting until matters were in front of his eyes before taking action. He was stupid, never capable of properly learning English. His personality was also a little greasy.

But nevertheless, I like him. Don't know from when or from where, and there were no other conditions.

"Nan Kang, Nan Kang, hurry and grow up." Someone said in the post replies.

I can grow up. I can be like many others, finding a suitable person to settle down with. Even if I don't particularly like them, once we live together for long, we will eventually cultivate some genuine feelings. Or I can easily decide to break up, and continue to search anew.

Or I can just be practical. Embrace and kiss in the night, parting ways once morning comes.

Of course, I can. I'm just afraid. Nothing can overcome this. Because it's not him. After waking up, the emptiness and loneliness would only increase.

Therefore a lot of times, it's not because I'm willing to wait, but because I can't not wait -- because I know that for the rest of my life, I will never meet a second man who can make me like him so much.

29

People often say that time is all-powerful, that it will eventually wear down everything to naught. Whether it be joy or tragedy, all will eventually pass.

I can only slowly walk forward. Many years later, I'll think back to the matters of today. Perhaps at that time, there will already be someone else in my heart.

Or perhaps I'll still be waiting. Waiting but not remembering why I'm persisting.

Or perhaps, he would have returned to my side.

30.

You see the crowds coming and going on the streets, each and every person making haste, casting an indifferent gaze upon meeting. No one can see the story of someone else, and no one can see if a certain person lives in their heart.

T/N: I translated this out of personal interest because this piece really left a lasting impression on me. My Chinese isn’t the greatest, and some of the idioms I could only try my best to understand. Thank you for reading.

N/U Link: https://www.novelupdates.com/series/waiting-until-35-years-old/

Update: I have finished translating the "Six Records of a Floating Life" by Nan Kang. Link of the first 1-10 chapters here

I posted 60 times in 2021

28 posts created (47%)

32 posts reblogged (53%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 1.1 posts.

I added 62 tags in 2021

#book quotes - 8 posts

#studyblr - 8 posts

#university study - 7 posts

#aesthetic - 7 posts

#student - 7 posts

#books & libraries - 6 posts

#taylor swift - 6 posts

#spotify - 5 posts

#studying tips - 4 posts

#studystudystudy - 4 posts

Longest Tag: 61 characters

#i'mreadingtheonlineversionthat'swhyitookapicturefrompinterest

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

Study tips for growing

Try pomodoro method if you have concentration problem or cannot study for longer hours. This will break your work into small doable portions.

Highlighter is an important part if you are reading research papers, I personally prefer pink highlighter in my PDFs.

Creating a to-do list but put only 3 things to do everyday. I use in built to- do app in my laptop, there's some great apps out for mobile phones.

If you want your notes to look to aesthetic then make it as original as possible, don't run for aesthetics, run for content.

This are some of the tips I came up with on my own that works wonderful for me. Hope this will help you too :)

https://www.instagram.com/reel/COUaZBHADxk/?igshid=1li1mgwm96wpe

9 notes • Posted 2021-05-01 06:14:02 GMT

#4

"sunshine all the time makes a desert" -a recent read

13 notes • Posted 2021-06-18 17:02:45 GMT

#3

"If it's all in my head tell me now

Tell me I've got it wrong somehow

I know my love should be celebrated "- Taylor Swift

14 notes • Posted 2021-03-22 20:17:39 GMT

#2

"Name one hero who was happy"-

Heroes are warriors whose hands are painted red with the blood of thousand of innocent people. Maybe that's why they turned mad. Maybe that's why they never got a happy ending.

29 notes • Posted 2021-04-05 05:45:35 GMT

#1

A recent read, just sharing it. It's good.

95 notes • Posted 2021-05-03 06:18:06 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

Jon will want me, even if no one else does. - Arya, ASoS

Jonrya twitter trend

ORIGINAL ART: "Veil" by (@ _k0tterl_)

It's NaLu gift exchange ✨🔥

Thanks to @allaboutnalu for hosting the event! This gift is for a long-time mutual of mine (I somehow got them by chance) @hollie-artz! Hope you like it! Thanks for being my mutual ever since I was sorta awful at art, you were a true trooper 😔