With More And More Ao3 Authors Restricting Their Works To The Archive (due To AI Scraping), They're Going

Aromanticism and Otome Games

I am an aromantic who loves otome games. It may seem incredibly contradictory, especially since a common perception of otome is that it's solely wish-fulfillment games for people to insert themselves into a story where they date attractive men. There's definitely nothing wrong with playing them in that way, and many people get a lot of enjoyment out of them, but that isn't the only way to play an otome game. In fact, many otome game players prefer not to self-insert at all and I’m one of them!

My personal experience being aromantic means I do not feel romantic attraction to anyone, and I do not desire or need a romantic relationship to feel fulfilled in life. I’m perfectly happy with my platonic bonds and my perpetual singleness! That’s how I experience it, but there are many different ways to be aromantic, and there’s no one universal experience that defines how all aromantic people live their lives. Some are repulsed by romance and its overbearing presence in nearly all forms of media, and others are comfortable seeing other people experience romance despite not experiencing it themselves (though these, of course, are not the only two groups). I personally lean more towards the latter category. I love romance stories! 

For me, playing an otome game is like watching a romance movie where I get to decide who the heroine ends up with. It's like a shipper's dream! I don’t self-insert because I am not comfortable putting myself in romantic situations, but by observing a fictional couple, I can explore the romantic plots and experiences that pique my curiosity. And let me tell you, I love a good romance plot. Especially one with drama.

A comparison I like to make when people don’t seem to get it is that I also really, really love murder mysteries and tragedies, but I do NOT want to actually experience them myself. What I want for a character and what I want for myself are two completely separate things, so there’s really no contradiction! 

In fact, playing otome games was a big part of my aromantic journey in the first place. I never had crushes as a kid that weren’t forced or peer pressured. When people talk about the characters in their childhood shows that they had crushes on, I can never relate. To me, there were only interesting characters and stories. I’ve never really wanted anything more than that. 

So when my second-ever relationship ended and I was wondering whether I really felt romantic attraction at all, I decided to try otome games. 

I chose Collar x Malice as my first game because, as I mentioned earlier, I am a huge fan of mysteries and tragedies, and the premise intrigued me. Then, throughout my exploration of various otome games (and as I quickly became hooked on them) I tried some games with less developed heroines, specifically made for self-inserting, and found that I couldn’t handle them. Separating myself from the heroine helped me enjoy the games more as I realized that I didn’t actually want to be in these romantic situations myself, but only wanted to enjoy the story.

So what was the point of this whole post? I guess just to share my own personal experiences as an aromantic otome-lover and address the contradiction. Otome games aren’t necessarily mainstream-popular, but they certainly have their dedicated fans, and I’ve really enjoyed the interactions I’ve had so far with these fandom spaces. 

Sure, the primary focus of the games may be pretty boys who you can date, but otome games can also be so much more than that! It’s a genre I’m glad I decided to try. 

I’m happy to be an aro along for the ride to read some good stories, puzzle out the right route choices, and look at some aesthetically pleasing character designs along the way! :)

i find it so interesting how people act like "critically examining a piece of media" is the opposite of "enjoying that piece of media." rip to you but i actually find it really enjoyable and compelling to dissect and think through the art i engage with

nights at the hushed honeybee 🐝

i swear i keep meaning to finish Hamefura pirates, but honestly i may end up having to skip Keith's route and move on to the others. I'm just kinda stuck with it. It's a nice story, and I do like Keith as a character, but as much as I want to play all the routes and give them each a fair shot, I just don't really want to see Keith & Katarina's relationship progress romantically. The siscon thing just isn't my vibe, and I just haven't felt like playing the game any further for his route. My completionist brain is very upset about this, so I may end up playing it eventually, just so I can have complete thoughts about the game...

okay. which of you motherfuckers taught my vile little homunculus how to put on eyeliner

Kazui's untold shame in Cat

AKA "the time I wanted to analyse the cop car scene and ended up analysing the entire song"

'Shame' is something Kazui knows all too well. It follows his every move, dictates his every thought, possesses him stronger than any other emotion, and Cat does a perfect job of conveying this, having Kazui call his deceit "tacky" and calling his attempts to be open "greedy", but I think Cat shows his shame best in what he doesn't explicity say, rather than what he does.

Take one of the first scenes in the song, for example. Specifically the scene of him sitting in the police car with Hinako. Here, he looks over to Hinako while singing "I just wanted to touch, to caress. I just wanted to be touched". I am personally of the belief that Kazui is a gay man who tried to force himself to like women by lying his way through his relationship with Hinako in order to fit into the expectations of his family and peers. But here Kazui is, seemingly expressing genuine sexual desire towards Hinako, which would go against my theory, right? Honestly, I'm not convinced by what he says here.

The prisoners videos are their true feelings, they can't intentionally lie in them, but they can however remember a time they lied, or if they try to lie to themselves in their thoughts, their song will reflect that. Kazui's lies are, as he himself describes, "two-way", he lies to others and he lies to himself— because he, more than anyone, wants his lies to be the truth. Looking at his second voice drama, Es tells him that they believe he cheated on Hinako, and that they find him acting on his sexual urges like that "stupid" and "disgusting", but regardless, they still opted to forgive him. What Es says here isn't exclusive to Es, and is often how men who do similar things are perceived by society. A man may act openly sexual, and he may be seen as perverted or disgusting for it, but ultimately there's usually little consequence for this behaviour— it's brushed off as "men being men" and often encouraged further by the other men in their lives, even if other people will look down on them for it. In other words, Kazui is attempting to frame to himself that what he's doing (going after a woman he isn't romantically interested in) is done out of sexual desire, both in the past and currently, because doing so is more 'acceptable' than his true, genuine, shameful desires. As he says in the next scene, "So it's wrong? Oh, shove that! Innocent, isn't that right?", he knows that both us and society at large will forgive him for what he's done if it's from a place of uncontrolled heterosexual desires, rather than what's really going on.

His shame becomes more clear once you see the intention behind what he's saying, rather than what he's actually saying. However, I think what he doesn't say here is even more revealing. "I just wanted to touch, to caress. I just wanted to be touched"— following what he's saying here, the next line the audience is expecting is "I wanted to be caressed" and yet instead, he quickly moves on and changes the scene entirely. We're left hanging as he gives us no time to process the way he completely skipped over the next natural line, and I'd imagine that's also how it felt to Kazui. "I just wanted to be touched" is coming way too close to the truth for him, and his shame and fear physically stops him from completing his sentence, instead forcing him to race to the next scene before he admits too much— before he admits something he himself desperately wants to deny. This is the first clear sign in the song of Kazui's true desires starting to peak out before immediately being shoved down.

Moving on to the scene that follows, we have Kazui continuing to verbally lie to himself with "So it’s wrong? Oh shove that! Innocent, isn’t that right? Maybe, perhaps… or… could it come true… like, it’s for the sake of true love, who wouldn’t lie for that?" As said previously, Kazui is desperate to convince himself both that what he's doing isn't wrong so he doesn't have to deal with the shame of being a manipulative person, and that he can eventually fall in line with the way the world tells him he has to be. He's not doing anything wrong and he will surely fall in love with her with time— so there's no need for him to think too hard about the reality of the situation.

The framing of this scene backs this idea up even more. We see Kazui and Hinako walking side by side before he turns towards her, but the way this is shown is by focusing on their feet. Looking down at the ground, especially while with someone, can have many meanings. When done intentionally, it can be a way of showing respect to another, but when done subconsciously it's more often than not a sign that someone is anxious or ashamed, especially in fiction. I'd imagine that Kazui's physical self isn't actively looking at his feet in this scene, as he's learned how to make his body language line up with his persona more than his reality, but internally he's only capable of avoiding really looking at himself and only looking downwards. He doesn't want to internally admit to himself the truth that he's hiding, even though he's very aware of it, and he can't bring himself to really face himself or the reality of his actions— once again, shame is physically blocking him from doing so. This is shown further in the next scene, with him giving Hinako flowers, and then a ring. Notably, this scene focuses on his hands and Hinako, however Kazui as a whole is out of view. He focuses on his actions, his pretty lies, and the positive reactions of the people near him caused by those actions, but Kazui himself is shut out of this, both his true desires and overwhelming shame are kept out of the picture.

Skipping over to the scene after the chorus, we have Kazui confessing his love to someone most likely his childhood friend/the bartender from Half. Kazui starts this scene by announcing "Phew, oh wow I’m drunk" however looking at the glass itself, it's easy to see that Kazui is lying here. The drink has been drank out of, though not by much, and knowing that Kazui is someone who drinks somewhat regularly, it's extremely hard to believe he's that much of a lightweight. Rather, it's much more likely that he's giving himself a convienient excuse for what he says next: "Hey, so what if I said I liked-liked you, what would you do?" Kazui is extremely dependent on the opinions of others, especially those important to him, as well as the feeling of being safe, so by laying out this lie before his confession, he can hopefully lessen the consequences for trying to tell someone his truth. If we focus less on what he says here and more on how he says it, we can hear how extreme his anxiety in this scene is. His voice starts out strong, however quickly begins shaking, and by the end of the sentence his voice is almost inaudible, as if he can barely get the words out. Even with an excuse laid out in advance, Kazui can hardly bring himself to say a single sentence— he is absolutely terrified.

This scene also uses the same tactics the car scene and the proposal scene use, having Kazui sing before cutting himself off and having him move to the next part of the song, and never fully framing Kazui. "I just wanted to ask, so it's out in the open. I just got a little greedy". Unlike the car scene, there's no noticible pattern to what he's saying so we can predict what he wants to actually say, however we can still hear the music itself flow as if there should be more to what Kazui says, only for us to be left with nothing. He isn't lying to himself to justify his actions, and panicking when he gets a little too honest for his liking, but rather he's being intentionally vague about his feelings and what is happening. We don't know much about this night, we're given him confessing and that's about all, but we can infer by Kazui immediately insulting himself, immediately going back to hiding and lying in the next scene, and by him telling Es in his voice drama that he's tried opening up to others in the past only to be unable to truly be himself around them, that whatever happened after he confessed wasn't good. We also later see the same glass he's drinking be knocked off the table. It doesn't appear to be knocked off with much force, it wasn't violently pushed or thrown, however the glass itself doesn't seem too close to the edge for it to be accidentally pushed off either. Whatever truly happened is anyone's guess, but one thing is clear— the memory of this night is one that causes Kazui much shame and pain. This is further supported by the framing of the scene, again having Kazui focus on his actions rather than him as a whole, and when he isn't acting, the camera is far away from him, hiding his expression and distancing himself from the memory and the viewers. He doesn't want to focus on that night, he doesn't want to look at that version of himself and he doesn't want to feel the extreme shame that radiates from it all.

Finally, we approach the end of the song. After 39 long years of Kazui shoving down his every emotion, lying to himself and others until he can't take it anymore, he tells Hinako the truth. The first thing to leave his mouth? "To be carassed by you, that would be perfection". At long last, he finishes his sentence from the beginning. The audience by now has long since moved on from the car scene, having been overwhelmed with the rest of the song and expecting his first explanation for his actions to forever go unfinished, but for Kazui? This entire time, it hasn't left his mind. He hasn't been able to move on or forget about it as we would have, it's been constantly hidden and shoved down in his mind, yet never truly being able to be snuffed out for good. And what is this terrible, shameful, disgusting desire he's been rejected for and drowned in self-loathing his entire life for? The desire to be carassed. Sexually, we can interpret this as a want to be a submissive partner, as this desire is originally paired with his lie of wanting to dominate Hinako sexually. Emotionally, however, it's a desire to be treated gently. To have his entire self be seen and not be punished for it, but loved for it. To be seen as and treated as fragile, and have this fragility be a positive, not a negative. For his entire life, he has despised himself so strongly for the shameful wish to be weak and loved. Unfortunately for both Hinako and Kazui, once he can finally get this sentence out, he's unable to stop it all from pouring out, his truths completely overwhelming the both of them.

The audience has seen this same scene before in Half, although it has a completely different feel to it, and comparing the two really highlights the shame Kazui currently feels about this day. Originally, we're shown a very calm discussion, with Hinako and Kazui seemingly reaching an understanding about everything, with only a slight hint at any real conflict happening afterwards, showing a single image of Hinako acting in a very animated way as if arguing. In Cat, however, we're shown Kazui acting in a frightening and almost erratic way to begin with, ending with him looking at her with monsterous eyes and varociously tearing apart a dove with his teeth. In Kazui's first voice drama, he mostly maintains his calm, stable persona, and Half reflects this by being a very slow, sombre song and video, as the songs themselves are taken fron the thoughts the character has at the end of the interrogation. His second voice drama shows Kazui pouring his heart out, unable to stop forcing out his self-hate once he starts, and this scene in Cat is clearly reflects that. Obviously Kazui didn't actually animalistically eat a live bird, as hot as that would be, but Kazui's spat out guilt and shame from his voice drama has completely dyed this memory. No longer can he see it as a day where he sadly confessed his secrets to Hinako, it's now become the day he disgustingly destroyed everything dear to her with almost malicious intent. His true self has always been one that's caused him so much pain and shame, and now that he's let it come to the surface, he's unable to do anything other than villainize himself further.

Looking at where Kazui is now at the start of trial 3, it's likely his next video will show this even further, his self-loathing reaching a peak like never before, unable to be hidden away. It's hard to imagine what it could be like when comparing it to the extreme shame we already see here, but it's clear that this guilt and disgust he feels towards himself is so deeply ingrained in him that he's extremely unlikely to reach a point in which he can be freed of it as of now. If Cat is a video of Kazui desperately trying to hide these feelings until it all explodes at the end, I can't help but be excited yet somewhat scared of what's in-store for us with a Kazui who's given up on trying to cover it all up. Regardless of what comes next, I can't wait for it all to be revealed, our life-long liar finally completely removing his mask.

men crying men bleeding men whimpering so on and so forth

i wonder

Random a-spec meme

Image description: cartoon of the character Sayori going like "nah" to using "aspec people can still date!" to ship aspec-coded characters, and going like "yeah" to using "aspec people can still date!" to headcanon an allo-coded character as aspec.