Devon Aoki By Juergen Teller For ALESSANDRO DELL'ACQUA, 1998

bones and all dir. luca guadagnino / a primer for the small weird loves 7 writ. richard siken

I am my mother's daughter when I clean because I'm depressed, and cry when over stimulated. I skip meals and tell everyone I "forgot". I feel my chest heavy with anxiety. I do not ask to be medicated. I am the strong one. The pillar. And I read a book that reminds me of her, but also of me. I hold no sympathy for her, only anger. I did not ask what made her react this why, only why that was her only reaction. I identify her trauma responses, but can't find the solution to my own. I understand her, but hate the traits she has given me. And intergenerational trauma is real, so if I was in my mother when she was in her mother, and my daughter was in my mother when I was in her, then what is a clean slait for any of us? when they say, we become more like our mothers the older we get, do we inherit their ability to bow, and bend, and break but never make a sound? But if I am my mother's trauma, do I scream uncontrollably because my life isn't in my palms? I swore to never be the woman that takes a man's fist, but my own fist is in my mouth as I look into the mirror and ache to shatter it. Am I my mother's trauma when I forgive a man for treating me like I am invaluable? Am I my mother's daughter when I half-jokingly prepare to give up on my dreams, just to be half-heartedly loved? And I pride myself in knowing that I can tell when someone is manipulating me, but then just as shamelessly ask to be manipulated; to be told that I am loved even if it is a lie. Where is the sense in being senseless in the name of love? Am I my mother's daughter when I overshare to a stranger because no one I love, loves me back enough to listen? And if I am a vessel of trauma, what will my daughter be? Am I my mother's trauma when I yearn to be with someone that does not even respect me? And if this is all my mother's, then am I my father's daughter when I look at my mother in detest over the destiny that she has handed over to me?

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The Greek word for "return" is nostos. Algos means "suffering". So nostalgia is the suffering caused by an unappeased yearning to return.

Milan Kundera

Comme des Garçons f/w 1991 rtw Creative Director Rei Kawakubo Newest Cool on Instagram

“Às vezes me pego pensando o quanto eu era imaturo e inocente. No que eu realmente tinha na cabeça quando joguei os meus sentimentos para escanteio só para ficar cuidando dos seus.”

— A bagunça é em mim, a do quarto é apenas o reflexo.

“We met at the wrong time. That’s what I keep telling myself anyway. Maybe one day years from now, we’ll meet in a coffee shop in a far away city somewhere and we could give it another shot.“

“Querida. Veio-me hoje uma vontade enorme de te amar. E então pensei: vou-te escrever. Mas não te quero amar no tempo em que te lembro. Quero-te amar antes, muito antes. É quando o que é grande acontece. E não me digas diz lá porquê. Não sei. O que é grande acontece no eterno e o amor é assim, devias saber. Ama-se como se tem uma iluminação, deves ter ouvido. Ou se bate forte com a cabeça. Pelo menos comigo foi assim. Ou como quando se dá uma conjugação de astros no infinito, deve vir nos livros.“ 

- Vergílio Ferreira, Em Nome da Terra