Humans... Purposefully Poison The Poison In Their Bodies. Oh.

Filthy Habit

To add my voice to the humans are space orcs headcanon…

Nail-biting.

Considered a “filthy habit” by humans, it *horrifies* aliens who are all like OH MY GOD the human is EATING ITSELF ALIVE OMG OMG RUUUUUUN BEFORE IT EATS US NEXT!!!!

And when the crewmembers report this no one believes it at first but after a while the ship captain and CMO fearfully approach their human crewmember and catch her in the act.

CMO: Human Theresa… are the rations you are allocated insufficient for your needs?

Theresa: Um… no? I mean yes. I mean er… I eat enough yeah. Why? *chews cuticles absentmindedly*

CMO: *cringes in horror*

Captain: THEN WHY ARE YOU EATING YOURSELF!??!

Theresa: *blushes and takes hands out of mouth* I know, I know, it’s a filthy habit. I can’t stop though, I never even notice I’m doing it till someone points it out.

Captain: *horrified* You… you don’t NOTICE that you are self-cannibalizing. O.O

CMO: We have to put you on suicide watch. This attempt at self-destruction must be halted. Don’t worry, Human Theresa. We will help you. Thank the stars we caught this problem before you gnawed off a limb!

Theresa: Umm… O.o *absentmindedly chewing on pinky nail*

Humans are weird...

I love all these humans are weird posts so I’m trying my hand at one. I’ve been thinking, humans are like, ridiculous specialists. Our brains is so big we’re born prematurely so as not to tear our mothers apart. And we’re born crazy weak and we have super long childhoods to compensate. We pack bond and bond with bigger creatures to deal with this (this is why we think babies of all species are cute, it’s basically a drive to take care of this weak little thing because our own children are so weak). So what if alien species evolved so there was one, super weak but really brilliant species, has fine motor skills, huge language skills etc, and one that evolved as a symbiote that was basically huge protective dog/ox type to do the heavy lifting. And it’s really bizarre that we don’t have this symbiosis. Like the fact that humans are a stand alone species is weird. We seem huge and bulky to the tiny intelligent species (in my head it’s basically an otter/raven hybrid) and small and delicate to the other. And they don’t get how we function alone, until they see us spilling our pack bonding instincts all over everything, hostile predators, teddy bears, roombas, even cups with little chips in them. And then it’s like, oh I see, you don’t bond really strongly to one thing you bond just a little bit to everything and wait to see what sticks.

Let's Fuck 'Em Up

Humans would be cute in space. I mean, lets say we’re the new guys to space travel. Sure we can go to the moon but I’m talking leaving our galaxy to go explore type of shit. We’re the space babies so every other space species sees us as bumbling children. Our eyes reflect the stars that we see in awe. Its cute. We basically turn into mini Markipliers. “Its so cool”

So they incorporate us as much as they can. They want the space babies to learn what they can about space. And how can you deny something that gets so excited just to see an asteroid right out the window? We collect meteor fragments for Christ’s sake!

They stop seeing us as babies and more as angry children though after a certain incident. There’s a planet that they see. Hector 6.

“Ooh lets go land on that one! It’s a pretty purple!” The human says with their face pressed against the glass of the window.

“We can’t.” The captain responds.

“Why not?”

“The people there are incredibly hostile due to a hostile environment. The creatures are scarier than they are.”

This is where a human’s curiosity becomes so overwhelming, their ‘fuck it’ sense comes into play. Somehow they land on the planet anyway. The group of humans try to go explore but are stopped repeatedly. But like any child, they find a way. The aliens onboard are freaking out cause 'where are they? They’re gonna get killed!’ Only for the humans to return with trophies from the planet. When questioned about it, they just respond nonchalantly. “They weren’t that bad” or “I’ve seen tougher.” Their curiosity was so grand that they fucked up any creature that tried to stop them. That’s when the aliens stop seeing is as helpless babies and more as children with anger issues. We like to fuck things up.

Alien/Human Interactions

-Aliens seeing how many times humans declare war on each other throughout history and thinking that humans enjoy war as some sort of sport or spectacle -Aliens coming into possession of human sci-fi horror films and being worried that their human companions are afraid of them -Aliens coming into possession of positive human representations of aliens and forming huge crushes on Mr. Spock and ET -Aliens first discovering humans through stray TV broadcasts of the Brady Bunch, Grease, and other vintage tv shows. Intergalactic fashion suddenly shifts to favor clothing similar to 50s greaser jackets and sweaters -Aliens falling in love with human fashion and parading around in poorly applied makeup (the said aliens watched dozens of tutorials on YouTube), bonus points if the alien is traditionally masculine looking. “I look like your human goddess Beyonce and you cannot convince me otherwise, human Steve.” -Aliens falling in love with human languages and printing human words all over their clothing like Americans do with French words. However, they often mix up the languages by picking and choosing which words they like the best, so the phrases turn out like “C'est good, nyet?” -Aliens relating more to neurodivergent people because of how their brains work, bonding with humans over different strengths and weaknesses -Aliens seeing all the ways humans go thrill-seeking (rollercoasters, skydiving, bungee-jumping, water slides) and scolding their humans for putting themselves in danger oN PURPOSE -Aliens tasting spicy foods for the first time and and scolding their humans for eating FIRE -Aliens being worried that their human love interests find them unattractive and trying different things to look more human -Aliens being confused by human daydreaming and infant “pretending”. Why would humans want to be anything else? They are already perfect. -Aliens having the same weird fantasy of being “abducted” and “probed” by humans that we have of them -Aliens having weird 70s style videos on “Human Etiquette”, with incredibly inaccurate info on how humans actually act -Aliens first coming into contact with dogs and animals because we sent those into space first, assuming that humans are the same and attempting to placate them with tummy rubs and rubs behind the ears

my new years resolution is to own one of these

lol how do you think aliens would react to finding out about identical twins?

Okay so at first I was like… human diversity in looks is pretty unique (to my knowledge with the exception of species we’ve tampered with i.e pigeons) and speaks to our historical lack of serious predators. But then I thought about aliens knowing this but then huMaNS SUDDENLY LOOK THE SAME?!?!?!IS THIS A “PRANK”???THEY’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE DEVELOPED SUCCESSFUL CLONING TECHNOLOGY YET?!?ARE THEY SICK?!?

Followed by the human twins in question just going off on the standard answers with a sigh. “Yes we’re twins, yes we’re identical, no we can not feel each other’s pain, yes we do argue occasionally, no we do not have psychic powers-” at which point the alien just cuts them off because wtf some humans havE PSYCHIC POWERS!?!? Clearly some do, seeing as these humans are so used to being asked if they’re one of them. And there have been accounts of it in written form - the various YA novels descriptions come to mind. A human once said these were written lies, but with so many accounts of it, that sounds less likely than it just being something they want to keep secret.

Identically looking human psychics are quickly added as point number 492 to The Grand List of Reason NOT to Mess With Humans.

What if another “humans are weird” thing is talking to ourselves. Like… it makes no sense? But so many of us do it. Even just muttering under our breaths. I can’t help but think that some alien species would think we’re trying to hide another aspect of our (already weird) abilities.

They can ‘throw’ stuff, and bond with nearly anything, and now they’re talking to people who aren’t even there?!? Sure, they said they were just “talking to themself” but that’s obviously just a bad excuse. They do have thoughts after all.

(Feel free to add to this, it always makes posts 38200× better)

To be fair, humans are some bullshit from a balance perspective.

“I’ll just outrun that human…any day now… any… day… jesus christ it’s the terminator.”

“Maybe I can outsmart it and hide. What’s that you say, its brain takes up 20% of it’s caloric intake? FML.”

“It doesn’t have any natural weapons. I’ll just turn around and kill it. OH GOD IT’S GOT STONE CLAWS THAT ARE UNHOLY SHARP!”

“Okay, fight number two. It’s squishy so if I’m careful and find the right time when it’s weak I can - IT HAS PROJECTILE SHARP THINGS!”

“I’ll try crossing the river. It’s too gangly to be buoya - IT CAN SWIM?!?”

“Okay nothing can swim and run and climb. I’ll just go up this tree… FML it descended from apes.”

“It doesn’t even have fur, I can run to a colder climate and escape. Welp, it’s wearing the fur of my loved ones to keep warm.”

“If the whole herd bands together and protects each other, we can trample it… it can CONTROL FIRE.”

“Fuck it. Might as well just follow them around and get domesticated.”

Prettymuch everything we did to animals comes out of a horror movie.

4th Dimensional sensitivity? This will cause the Invasion to become far more difficult.

My contribution for the humans are weird: Deja Vu eddition

The concept of deja vu. Like it doesn’t happen that often to humans so it’s pretty normal if aliens didn’t know that can happen to a human. Maybe it only happens to humans and aliens misunderstand the entire concept.

One time on an away mission we encountered it first. It was with human-Chloe, our pilot. I and a few others were with her sent to explore an unknown asteroid belt. It was fairly dangerous but we had learned that human instinct, their so called ‘gut feeling’ was quite handy at times. So the captain assigned her with us. I still don’t know how the human gut is involved in their logical thinking, something that to known knowledge happens in their brains, but who knows with that species. 

We had mapped the outer rings and were busy with the inner parts of the belt, all went well. Human-Chloe cut some close edges, she calls it efficient manoeuvring, I call it nausiating, but we finished mapping the belt and were ready to fly back. I was watching human-Chloe closely, trying to brace myself for her ‘efficient manoeuvring’ when I noticed her shift uncomfertable in her chair. ‘Is everything okay human-Chloe?’ I asked. She turned around and brushed it off. ‘Oh, just deja vu.’ ‘What is that? Are you alright?’ I asked. Humans are know to be able to brush of major pain when they are busy. I looked outside anxiously. We were flying through a dense astroid field, human-Chloe needed to be in top condition for this and her frowning didn’t reasure me at all.

‘I just feel like I’ve experienced this before.’ Human-Chloe explained. She made a sharp turn, way to sharp if you ask me. ‘It’s nothing to worry about.’ I didn’t dare question her any further, instead held on for dear life as she nearly crashed into some astroids. I never knew humans were sensitive to the fourth dimension. But it would explain why human-Chloe wasn’t worried at all when cutting close edges. If she knew what was going to happend then that would explain why she was such a good pilot. This was great news, fourth dimentional sensitives on our crew! I knew there was more to that ‘gut-feeling’ of theirs.

When we got back I immediately went to update the system on our human knowledge. Weird they never mentioned it before, maybe humans think everyone has that. I can’t wait to ask human-Chloe how their 4D sensitivity works in detail!!

Humans and Fire

So I’ve read a few humans are weird posts and it got me thinking, what if humans are the only species to evolve to use fire. Like, most intelligent species will instinctively flee in panic the moment they catch sight of an open flame, yet show a human infant a fire and if they don’t know better, they will try to grab it.

Humans will burn everything. Most of us won’t eat anything unless it has been “Cooked” first. (A human word meaning to heat food until it has begun to denature but not yet started to carbonize.)

Start a small fire and instead of fleeing, humans will gather around it and start socializing.

We get intoxicated by setting specific plants on fire and inhaling the smoke, often with the burning embers mere inches from our sensitive face.

We use it to clear land for agriculture and hunting. We use it to punish criminals. We even use it for purely aesthetic purposes. (Think fireworks.)

Heck, we we discovered hydrocarbons, the first thing we did was burn them. In fact, humans were burning so much hydrocarbons they were literally altering the atmosphere of their planet.

Heck, humans have died because they literally did not have enough materials to burn.

Now imagine hostile aliens want to invade earth. They don’t use fire except for carefully controlled and heavily guarded industrial purposes. They also don’t know much about earth other than it is definitely inhabited and the people haven’t developed intergalactic travel.

They’re expecting to face primitive forces armed with the local equivalent of clubs and bows. What they get is, to them, a strange anachronistic jumble of expected primative technologies and highly advanced technologies that they definitely shouldn’t have.

They’re not expecting guns. (Projectile weapons that consist of a narrow tube with projectile and a chemical propellent stuffed into one end. Instead of an electromagnetic pulse, the propellant is ignited and the expanding gases shoot the projectile out of the tube.)

They’re not expecting powered vehicles. Instead of electric motors, humans have what they call the internal combustion engine. (A motor that works by sucking flammable gas into an enclosed chamber, igniting the gas under pressure, and using the resulting force from the detonation to move a piston. Because of that, humans have heavy machinery, self-propelled vehicles, and powered air-craft before they even really understood bio electricity.

They’re not expecting bombs, or incendiary weapons. (It was also how it was discovered that their bio-polymer armor, while excellent against projectiles, can actually burn at surprisingly low temperatures.

They’re not even expecting smelted metal. Steel to them is a high tech material that can only be produced under specialized conditions of extreme heat, and requires very specialized facilities to produce. They are shocked to discover that humans have been smelting copper before they developed writing.

And they are definitely not expecting nuclear weapons. (Which are basically “bombs” that instead of using combustable chemicals use an uncontrolled nuclear fission reaction. They are also aghast to discover that not only was this apparently the first thing we thought to do when we discovered fission, but that competing human faction have “how many of these weapons stockpiled!?”

After retreating in disgrace, the task force sent to monitor the plant is horrified to report that humans are rapidly expanding into space. They aren’t using gravitic lifters or electromagnetic mass drivers. They are apparently simply loading equipment and personnel into special “missiles” and using a shit ton of highly combustable fuel to simply launch themselves into space.