Emotion Permanence.

You are not overwhelmed, you know where to start, you gain speed, you understand, clarity comes, in bursts, in a flood, you know, direction is available, nothing is too difficult, you have ease, you have rest.

I believe and I know, I do not see results from what I have worked for but from what Christ has worked for. I know, I being in the way, the Lord leads me, now, tomorrow, forever. I am confident, I am not confused, blessed is my knowledge, my memory. I have direction. I read from a place of rest, I do not panic. All of these and more as the Spirit prays for me by the finished work of Christ.

Babies. Are. So. Uglyyyy.

I swear I'm not a bad person, I just think they look weird, I don't see the beauty y'all see. They loook so weird and wrinkled and frowny and I just saw a video and twitter and my God. 'A face only a mother would love' applies to all of them, I'm not even lying.

one of the biggest things I can advocate for (in academia, but also just in life) is to build credibility with yourself. It’s easy to fall into the habit of thinking of yourself as someone who does things last minute or who struggles to start tasks. people will tell you that you just need to build different habits, but I know for me at least the idea of ‘habit’ is sort of abstract and dehumanizing. Credibility is more like ‘I’ve done this before, so I know I can do it, and more importantly I trust myself to do it’. you set an assignment goal for the day and you meet it, and then you feel stronger setting one the next day. You establish a relationship with yourself that’s built on confidence and trust. That in turn starts to erode the barrier of insecurity and perfectionism and makes it easier to start and finish tasks. reframing the narrative as a process of building credibility makes it easier to celebrate each step and recognize how strong your relationship with yourself can become

I don't know who to complain to or tell but malariasurveys.org isn't working and I NEEDD it for my research.

Took me too long to write this down.

Too long that now, my mind has overcooked my thoughts and abd this version might now be heavier, weightier and still mean nothing at all.

This is my POV, there is no part of this that reflects anyone in a way I did not perceive them, their image in these words are from a mirror that I made from my mind, my memories. Nothing else.

I hear the word codependent and think 'That doesn't describe me.' I've found out now, I'm at risk.

I talk about how much my friends save me, that's now. Before, things were different. I've always been in danger of getting my heart broken by myself, how I wholly immerse myself in being that one friend you can't discard, shaping myself to please, to impress, to look up to, to emulate. It's always with one particular person, thank God. There'd be nothing left of me otherwise, stretched to thinness from my folding and cutting over multiple people, my friendship monogamy saved my life.

I don't remember a first that is not B, she was the moon to me, I longed for her approval, ready to be her minion. All she had to do was exist, I wanted to be seen by her, cherished the way I cherished her. I tried so hard to hold on to her but I saw even then that I didn't fit her mould, she wanted things and people and an image and sometimes, I wasn't in these images and so I was left behind, often. At Navy for GCEs. That's all on that episode, that was the first time it started. Or the first time I saw. Years passed and texts looked like that line from the Eilish song.

Our conversation's all in blue, eleven 'hey's.

I saw her convos with other people and I wanted to be them, have half of what she had with them. It couldn't happen, maybe it was me, maybe it was her, it doesn't matter. I wasn't used by her. I used myself by myself. I wanted to be close to her so much and I was, I took every part of her she gave but I was never going to get what I wanted but I didn't think of that and so never realised it and I held on and on. Used myself up to fill a longing for kinship. Why? I don't know. My retrospection has left that corner of my mind.

I don't regret. It's such a waste to regret. I hate that I didn't learn this part of myself sooner, that way I'd have avoided doing the same for M. I don't remember much, she was not as intellectually challenging as B. There was no game to her words, they showed all the depth that they had immediately she spoke them but still I bent, backward and forward for her to see me, to like me. I am my own danger, years again of being what I would hate later, something I couldn't forgive. I gave her precedence over my sister. More than once. That's all. I do not remember how I came to devolve. But M came with more drama, a ruined reputation and a family gathering where I wasn't there. It's a pity really, that event taught me shame in a weird way and still I fold. In bigger pieces now but still for her, for her family. I forgive myself her.

I am needy and selfish with people, that is the core of my problem. Like a leech, I am clingy to the point of pain. I will not leave till I've been embarrassed. I will also not turn back.

It isn't shocking then that the last time I'll cling, it will be to a MB. Oh, how closely did I cling. It's not embarrassing this time. I started to unravel myself with her, started learning what my issue was. Spoke about it like a warning. 'Be careful, I'd die for you. Just please don't hang out with your other friends too much.'

Insane, very insane. I'd coordinate outfits and be rejected and in rejecting me she shamed me and in my shame, I learnt there might be strength in my knees, I could stand up and walk away. But she did it first. That MB and the imperial need for me to leave her space.

That's enough unspooling. For now.

Two lovers have reincarnated throughout history, destined to find each other and fall in love all over again. There’s also this third guy that reincarnates alongside them… we don’t really know what he does.

Simone Biles is a great athlete, she is so beautiful to watch. I know she is great, everyone does but since I do not understand the scoring system in gymnastics, my love for her is not on par with Shelly Ann Fraser-Pryce.

My God, that is one woman who inspires me a lot! Did it, left, got pregnant, came back, did it again (this time as the fastest woman alive!) I'm so proud of her and I can't wait to watch her for the last time in this year's Olympics. I'm rooting for her with all of my heart. She has motivated me by deciding to push herself to her best and for that, I'm grateful.

My exams are soon and every time my eyes are watering from reading or I drop my book because I do not 'feel' like it. I tell myself that postpartum SAFP prolly didn't feel like practicing too. She prolly just wanted to watch reels for a while and chill but she prolly didn't and so I can watch her and be proud, I can draw strength from her story. A woman whom the world thought it was over for but one who knew she wasn't done and showed the rest of us just how not done she is.

Actually really really hate how spiteful my mom is. Towards herself and most especially towards me. I tell her I didn't move in with her just to pay for my own transport to school and pay for my own food too and she starts acting like I smell.

Move away from the same seat as me and wrinkles her nose when I pass. She's acted like this for so long, I hate that I loved her so much I didn't see it for what it is.

I miss running to Tumblr everytime I have a thought, I stopped using my free will properly, it's annoying. This space is mine and mine alone, it's not like I can run out of ink or anything.

I think it says something about me that my comfort book is Twilight 1 (not the other books, just the 1st one) and the movie I never delete from my phone is 50 shades.

I don't know what it says but it says something.