Honestly;

This is exactly how I feel right now.

finally;

I've finally found that one guy that every women is always talking about finding. the one who treats me like a princess and who will hold me when I cry. He takes care of me when I don't feel good. He listens to me rant on about worthless nonsense and complain about stupid things. He holds my hand when he's driving. He knows that my depression gets to me and he holds me and tells me that everything is going to be okay. He's perfect in every way, and  I honestly couldn't picture my life without him. I'm so happy to have him in my life. I love him to death and i hope i never lose him <3

October 11, 2016

I haven’t been on here in a while and I’m not particularly certain why. I’ve had a lot on my mind lately, so many things to say that I’ve just kept bottled inside. I guess I’ll start off with you. The one person I always think about when I know I shouldn’t. I think about you WAY too often for my own good, and honestly I think that’s where most of my bottled feelings come from. For some reason, I still miss you. Why? I don’t know, I can’t answer that. I think it was just something about you that makes me feel this way. And honestly, I’m getting a little tired of it. Yes, I love you. I always will; but for my own good, I’ve finally grown the strength to let go. Forget about you, like you did to me almost 3 years ago. I’ve needed to do this for a long time, I don’t deserve to hurt like this anymore, when clearly you aren’t hurting. As for your now ex, I hope she was worth the heartache she’s probably putting you through right now since you two just broke up not even 2 months ago and she’s already dating someone new. I wouldn’t have been there for you, through everything. I would’ve made you happy no matter what it took, you know that. But still, you chose to leave me. Leave me alone to suffer in silence. Well; I’m done. I tried to contact you so I could again, understand why you felt it was a good idea to leave the one person who would love you for eternity. But, it’s too late now. I’ll find someone better than you, someone who will actually love me more than you seemed to. You will always hold a special place in my heart but I can no longer sit back and hurt because of you. Thank you for all the memories you gave me, but this is me finally letting go. Have a great life. Goodbye. 

To the one person I regret ever moving in with; I’m done being your punching bag. I’ve known you longer than any other person in that house and you treat me the worst and I’m not standing for it anymore. And if you think that I’m paying half the rent when there’s 3 people in that house; you’ve lost your damn mind. After everything I’ve done for you, put up with for you. You still find it okay to treat me poorly. No, enough is enough. I’m done cleaning up after you and that thing you have living in MY house. And when you invited people to come stay with us FOR FREE without even asking me about it; thanks for fucking asking. That was very rude and disrespectful of you. When I make a small mess; you throw a fucking fit. But when there’s dog shit and dog piss everywhere and your ogre made a mess in the kitchen as it so regularly does, it’s never an issue. Whatever. I can’t wait to leave because I can’t live in a house with a giant child and an ogre. If that’s how you want to live; I don’t want any part of it. You’ve ruined our friendship, and I never want to speak with you after how you treated me. And as far as the ogre hitting you again, you probably deserved it. The way you treat people makes me sick. Making other people pay your bills because you wanna be lazy and not work. You don’t even act like a friend unless it’s convenient for you or someone is paying for your stuff. I hope karma catches up with you soon; because you are the definition of a piece of shit. I felt sorry for you when you asked me to come live with you because you had no one to help you; now, I regret EVER moving in with you. I am NEVER living with someone like you ever again. You’re disrespectful, rude, nasty and an all around shitty person.

To all of the people who think it’s okay to treat me as a punching bag; fuck you. I’m not someone you can just throw around and make fun of because you think it’s funny. It’s not. That’s all I have to say on that matter; I’ve just had enough. I need a vacation away from people in general. That’s gonna be hard to do... But the sooner I can, the better because I’ve got so many bottled up emotions and feelings that I need to just be alone with my thoughts somewhere I feel tranquil and my home is not that place. Not at all. Maybe I’ll drive somewhere and find a nice secluded spot to be alone with my thoughts. I’ll have to do some looking around but I’ll find somewhere. As far as moving, I’m moving alone. I cannot live with someone else, let alone multiple people; they just aggravate me too much. One day soon that’ll happen. As soon as I can save up the money to move, I’m gone from that hell hole I call home at the moment...

Thank you for making my life better everyday. It means so much 💙

just a boy and his guitar

December 22, 2014

I need you more then you could believe. I haven't had a panic attack in months and in the midst of writing this, I am having one. And it is worse then it's ever been. You were the only person who knew how to help me calm down from them, and you won't even talk to me because of your new girlfriend. I still don't get the dilemma. You told me that there was no way that you'd come back to me, then why not talk to me... unless there is a way you'd come back and you're purposely avoiding me? Are you avoiding me and not speaking to me because you will miss me? Maybe that's a good thing. Can't you see how happy you were when we were together? Apparently not because you're too shoved up your new girlfriend's ass to realize it. Watch when I'm all set on my own and in the Navy and you're still stuck in the same rut you always used to complain about, you'll think to yourself "wow, I was happy and she did get her life together like I wanted. Maybe, we were meant to be together." You know when that time comes, I may not be around anymore. I may be stationed somewhere far away and you'll have to sit and think about how stupid your choice was. See, it's not about how happy you make the person, or the amount of money you spend on someone. It's the love you share with that person. I know that deep down, you still love me, and maybe that's the reason you keep avoiding me like you are. There will come a day when you stumble across the love letter I wrote you and I'm sure you will either cry or get upset. And, that's your fault for walking out on me when I needed you the most. Because I was your first girlfriend and you wanted to experience what it was like to be with someone else, well you got your wish, You're with someone else, and you may seem happy for now, but I know you better then she does, and I always will. I know that a few months from now if things still haven't changed, you're gonna get tired of her and wonder what you've been doing that whole time. Wondering why you're still stuck in that same rut you despise so much. Come to grips with reality, would you? You're unhappy with your current situation, change it. You know you were meant to be with the person that made you the happiest. And I know that was me, for a long time there, I was always the one you thought about and smiled. You were right about one thing though, it wasn't fair to me that you thought about someone else almost the whole time we were together, and after we broke up and you finally had your chance to be with her, she didn't even commit herself to you and she dropped you like a bag of rocks, and you didn't see that she was using you. And I'm sure to this day, you still don't. God, I wish you would have seen how blind you were...And when I tried to help you and warn you that she didn't want you, you got mad at me. And when she finally did drop you, you blamed it all on me. You didn't care that she was oogling over another guy when she was talking to you, because you were so blinded. You tell me that you'll never forgive me for what I did, The only thing I did, was tell her that I didn't want you two talking anymore because she was my friend, and if she was a good friend, she wouldn't go after a friend's ex. I'm sorry, but that just isn't right, And you two never stopped talking despite what I said. But you never wanted to see the whole truth.. you never wanted to see that you were only a pawn in her little game. Love is blind, I can tell you that. But when you have hard evidence being shown to you, you can't really disbelieve it, can you? Despite all the stupid shit that happened, it happens. Move on, realize that you actually had someone who wanted to spend the rest of their life with you, and now every time I meet someone new, or go out on dates, all I can talk about or think about is you. You're always on my brain, and you'll always have a place in my heart. Even after all the nasty and vulgar things you said to me, I still love you. Shouldn't that tell you something? When you're alone one day and you're wondering why, remember you had someone who loved you, more then life itself. I will always love you till the day that I die, and you know that. writing this has helped my panic attack subside, thankfully because it was one of the worst ones I've had. I should try and get some sleep before my panic attack decides to resurface. I love you to the moon and back... goodnight.

& Tonight;

All I can think about is you. I miss you terribly. I wish I got to see you tonight. It would have put my mind at ease. God, why can't I be happy like I was when we were together? You're my rock, my world, my everything. I don't know where I'd be without you. I want you to know that you mean the world to me, never forget that. I feel like I'm in a dream and I'll wake up any minute and you'll be right by my side telling me that you love me and everything is okay. As for now, I guess I'm forced to live in this hell of emotionless heartbreak. Please, wake me up soon, I don't wanna live in this hell anymore. I want you to know that if I ever decide to leave this world, I hope you'll be right there by my side telling me that everything is going to get better. I hope you can save me like you've done before. As for now, I shall try to sleep. Goodnight my sweet prince. I love you so much. I hope you come back. I don't know how much longer I can live like this.