I Need To Write This.

This will never not be relevant. 

The Happy-Sads

I was having a conversation with someone important to me a few months ago and they said something I had never heard before.

We were talking about depression. More specifically- the flash-flood of bulletproof mania, and it’s inevitable descent into lengthy, paralyzing anguish- our shared condition. 

“The Happy-Sads.” they said. “That’s what my doctor calls them”.

 I rested in the hum-quiet lapse that happens every so often on the phone. 

It seemed such a simple way to put it, but it summed it all up. I hear these little pieces all the time- I think we all do- someone says something, a turn of phrase, or a sentence fragment- and it sticks. It resonates. It becomes a short story or the subject of a comic, a song title- sometimes more.

The Happy-Sads.

It felt like something larger and smaller at the same time- it made sense of everything, boiling it down to a simple phrase- and I laid down under it’s gravity. 

I remember being a boy, and the times where everything was quiet. Those were the briefest moments, and you had to catch them like comets. Then came chaos and noise- reckless, indestructible enthusiasm. That part lasted longer than the quiet, but not nearly as long as the empty.

I think it was easier for those older than me to say I was simply shy, and I wasn’t to hear the word “introverted” until I got to high school, and I didn’t hear anyone seriously talk about “depression” until I was in college- and even then it was just something you could “will away”. No one’s son or daughter was “crazy” or a “manic-depressive”. Labels. From youth to adulthood I would bounce back and forth from “very artistic” to “quiet”.

If my depression was robbing the bank, then my anxiety was waiting in the get-away car outside, masked and armed. There would be stretches that would go on for weeks where I thought I was going to Hell. These would segue into stretches where, knowing that everyone was going to die eventually and I would lose everyone I knew, I couldn’t spend more than 2 minutes in school before going home in hysterics.  I just didn’t want to lose a single moment with people I loved- moments I could never get back.

My anxiety found different ways of manifesting itself- more subdued versions as I got older, but the back and forth, the up and down, stayed the same. You couldn’t wind a watch to it, but you could see it just over the hill, and you’d wait for it to hit.

Years of it.

Then I learned to use it, to tap into it, but I was hiding, not facing.

Being a singer in a band allowed me to tap into 2 very extreme emotions, and ones I knew very well- violent happiness and theatrical despair. This worked for me for years. And the more I could use them every night, the less I had to deal with them during the day, or night afterwards. Zeroes in a bunk, zeroes in the morning, drinking coffee, watching mile-markers. 

Zeroes. Years of them.

I then decided to deal with it.

I had another conversation, again with someone important to me, but this person was life-threateningly ill. They said to me one thing that was the most important.

 “Everything is temporary. When you’re happy- it’s temporary. Sad? Temporary. Job? Temporary. Bought a house? It’s only yours until you no longer need it. “

There were two ways to look at it- happy or sad. But everything was temporary.

In your worst moments, where you are staring into the blackest hole, the razor-lined mouth of a vicious, rabid animal- when you aren’t good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough- when the worst thing inside you chooses to attack- it is temporary. Likewise, when you are in those moments of pure joy, surrounded by your loved ones, high scoring skee-ball, holding your best friends hand at a concert- it is also temporary.

And that is ok. 

It is life, and living, or the closest thing to it- but more than that there is help.

I go to therapy- my doctor and I don’t use labels, because she believes that every single person is a different case. What one person has more of, another has less of.

And in the differences, we are all the same- imbalanced, and some of us need an assist. I grew up in an era that came off the tail end of damning the notion of mental treatment, so it was a dirty phrase. Unfortunately it still is today. The labels linger, the stigma exists, and all of it keeps help further away.

This is the part where I get serious and say that if you suffer from severe depression, you should seek treatment. If no one takes you seriously- find someone that will. Knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t fear a single repercussion for taking my mental health seriously and in my hands. Nothing would stop me. Not a label, or a joke- nothing.

I hope you find comfort in this. I hope you know that a lot of people, including myself, battle the beast all the time, and we win. I have finally gotten myself to a place where I no longer face the extremes, but it takes work, every week- I get up, and I make sure I am at my session- even the days where I don’t want to be there. I would imagine you’d feel the same way sometimes, and that is ok. Maybe it’s even hard for you to take the first steps- and that’s ok too.

 I know you can.

Monday Anime Line Up!

Arifueta S3

Wow! So not much really happened this ep but honestly the most important thins happened which is everyone found out what Nagumo went through to become who he is now. Like maybe the so called Hero will shut the fuck up now and see that he ain't really shit!🤔

Salaryman ga Isekai ni Ittara Shitennou ni Natta Hanashi

Snake boy got it good today! As I said Uchimara would take him out in his own way and it was beautiful! That little moment that he told the demon girl that her dad played in her rescue just warmed my heart too!🥰

Watashi no Shiawase na Kekkon 2nd Season

I was on edge the entire episode! Like even when they were hanging with the prince just drinking and laughing I was waiting for Usui to just show up and destroy all the happiness! Can we please get the namesake of the anime soon?😭

How I handle Rude Ignorant Comments.

Just in case anyone thought about giving me one. ^-^

More Reasons to Boycott Walmart😒

My daughter and I have been boycotting Walmart since Thanksgiving when they decided to Roll Back DEI and announce it while every one was eating dinner. Naturally people were pissed and imagine that no one wanted to shop on Black Friday there. I wonder why?😈

Anyway, I've never been happy that I had to buy from Walmart cause I can't afford not to, but after that mic drop I was fully done. Now in the last few months with all the news coming out about lawsuits and screw overs, I am really happy about my decisions even if it means I pay a little more here and there. My conscience is clear.😇

Let me also preface that I do this with all companies that pull shady shit like McD, Valero, Home Dept, and Target to name a few. I pay a lot of attention to where my money goes now and who gets it. Right now I am standing with Costco and Aldi for sure. Take a moment and look up who is being bought to decide who you want to still buy from.😉

Something that happens to me a lot is when people find out who I am or what i write, they kind of fan girl and I don;t fully understand it yet. I mean i am flattered that they are a fan of my work, but their reaction alWays surprises me.

FUCK I LOVE OTTERS!  SQUEEING SO HARD RIGHT NOW! ^-^

Tuesday Anime Line Up

Just one on Tuesdays this season but it just means that I can play catch up with other animes I am watching that are older or rewatching.😉

Hazure Skill "Kinomi Master": Skill no Mi (Tabetara Shinu) wo Mugen ni Taberareru You ni Natta Ken ni Tsuite

So half way through this season and I am still slightly on the fence with this one. They don't really talk about the fruit as much anymore but I'm not gonna lie, I am always there for a trash church/religion cause it has this cathartic feeling for me since I am a recovering Catholic in my childhood.😅

What To Do

So i've been trying to decide what to do with my blog here since I restarted it and I'm thinking of just sharing all the merch, cons, figures, and other Japanese related stuff i am into. I really do enjoy and respect the culture a lot and have an interest in almost everything about it!

I was slowly collecting figures for a while, but really got started during Covid when there were no cons going on. I pretty much just started to spend my saved con money on them and it took off! I believe I have over 50, if I include my Nendoroids, with more on ther way each year. Its a pretty bad habit that is hard to stop...not that I want to.

Also once a month I try to get to NJ where i have a little Japanese Mecca called Mitsuwa where I also spend waaaay too much money, but I have so much fun and get to see all kinds of foods and gadgets that i would love to own one day not to mention practically every ingredient I need to cook any Japanese dish I can imagine!

I may sprinkle in some family stuff like concerts I've seen with my kids not bandom related as well as other real life moment. I guess I will see in the future. Again not sure who is going to read this or take the journey with me, but if this is just a good way to keep my memories alive, I'll take it.

Tuesday/Wednesday Anime Line Up

Its laundry day and man I am already tired and I only did three loads! Having a house of five is hard sometimes. It sucks too cause its gonna rain till the weekend so i can't even put anything out on the line! So much money and energy wasted going to the laundry mat.😓

i think its a sandwich night for dinner. I don't want to heat up the house with the over cause even though it is raining it is humid!🥵

Ballpark de Tsukamaete!

This episode kind of had a pretty good message in between the jokes and silliness. I feel that 99% situation every day at my job cause that 1% is so rare that when it does happen you honestly believe that it isn't happening at all. Also just as rare is when that 1% rises.😳

Ruriko has a good head on her shoulders even if it is in the clouds part of the time. Having you name misspelled in a publication is something I can sadly relate to. It kind of sucks.😩

Kanpekisugite Kawaige ga Nai to Konyakuhakisareta Seijo wa Ringoku ni Urareru

Look at the growth of our girl! Standing before the king, being emotional, telling the first prince that she is part of Parnacolta now! Ugh, my heart!😫

Then the Crown Prince getting schooled by Mia and lighting a fire under his ass? Both sisters have the power to move people! 😊

Uchuujin Mūmū

Why do I have so many mixed feelings for this damn episode? I was laughing, crying, worried, and my head hurts like when I was trying to understand what was going on in tech which was impossible cause the teacher spoke a mile and minute cause he was so excited like Kenkubashi senpai does.😵

Also rice, water, and dashi seasoning go in the pot. Pot gets put in rice cooker, plug in, push the button, 30 min later...sticky rice. That's all I need to know. Oh and don't let the cat shit in the the rice cooker. That would be hell to clean!🤣

Saikyou no Ousama, Nidome no Jinsei wa Nani wo Suru?

Okay that was a lot in one ep but I kind of get it. I guess i will find out from my son how much it was rushed and if anything really important was left out, but I was alright with it. I honestly want to see him with his family and meeting his little sister.🥰

Your Forma

Yaya the cat was alright...well at that moment but can I say that I love that they didn't reveal who the spy is cause it gives the watcher time to make their own decisions. I have two in mind but one might be too obvious so I will sit quietly in my red dress at the dinner table unlike Reiko and wait for Kagayama to tell me the answer cause i don't wanna be called baka.😄

I might do that post I mentioned on comparing animes and how it annoys me later on. Not sure if I know exactly what I want to say without sounding like a bitchy otaku but I am working on it. Jaa ne Mina.😅

Monday Anime Line Up!

Arifueta S3

I can't believe i didn't realize that last ep was the last ep of the season! I mean I'm not mad or anything but now I am in all kinds of discussions in my reactor Patron covos as to whether there is enough material left to make a 4th season or if we are going to get a movie.🤔

Salaryman ga Isekai ni Ittara Shitennou ni Natta Hanashi

Snake boy got it good today! As I said Uchimara would take him out in his own way and it was beautiful! That little moment that he told the demon girl that her dad played in her rescue just warmed my heart too!🥰

Watashi no Shiawase na Kekkon 2nd Season

I was on edge the entire episode! Like even when they were hanging with the prince just drinking and laughing I was waiting for Usui to just show up and destroy all the happiness! Can we please get the namesake of the anime soon?😭