I Miss Going Out. I Miss Wearing Shoes And Jeans. I’m Tired Of Wearing House Clothes 😂

Lately, I've found myself turning to astrology more than I'd like to admit. It started as something fun and lighthearted—reading my horoscope for a little daily insight, checking my birth chart to see if the stars aligned with how I was feeling. But slowly, it became more than that. Now, I find myself looking to astrology for validation, seeking answers to questions I don't even fully understand.

The problem is, the more I rely on it, the more cynical I become. It's almost like I'm waiting for the universe to give me a sign that everything will work out, but it never quite happens the way I expect. Every time something doesn’t align with the "predictions," it throws me off. I start overthinking everything—why isn't my chart matching my reality? What does this mean for my future? Is something wrong with me or my choices?

In some ways, it feels like I'm losing trust in myself. Instead of taking charge of my life, I'm handing over the responsibility to something abstract, like the alignment of the stars. And honestly, it can be exhausting. I spend too much time analyzing and trying to piece together meaning from the cosmos, when maybe I just need to live my life, make decisions, and be okay with the uncertainty.

Astrology has its place—it can be a comforting lens to view the world through. But I’m realizing that relying on it for constant validation only traps me in a cycle of doubt and overthinking. I need to remind myself that while the stars can offer guidance, they don’t have all the answers. At the end of the day, it's up to me to trust my own instincts and make peace with the fact that life won’t always fit neatly into an astrological chart.

Maybe, instead of looking up at the stars for clarity, I need to start looking within.

I’m kinda scared of being happy for a day, or maybe just for a few minutes. Something may come up and ruin it. 😑

Diary entry: October 15, 2024

I woke up from a wild dream. You know how dreams work—one moment you're in a familiar place, the next everything shifts. You look behind you, and the scenery changes. You turn to the front, and you're somewhere else entirely. People you know appear alongside strangers who only exist in your dreams. Some places feel real, while others exist only in that dreamscape. It’s surreal.

What really gets to me are the recurring dreams. Sometimes, after months or years of not thinking about a certain place or person, they reappear, unchanged, like no time has passed. But the scariest part? I occasionally dream of things that haven't happened yet—and then they come true the next day. I see signs, premonitions, and when they unfold in real life, it sends chills down my spine.

My mother has this gift of premonition too. For her, it’s a guide—a way to navigate life. I seem to have inherited it, but instead of comfort, it terrifies me. People call it a gift, but I'm not so sure. There are moments when I want to lean on science, to find logical explanations for what I experience. Science can demystify things like this, offering clarity. But then, there are times when I feel pulled toward something deeper—something divine. It’s a strange place to be, caught between wanting to explain everything and accepting that maybe some things are beyond explanation.

So, about that dream—all of a sudden, a familiar face showed up randomly. It was him. He just appeared, casually talking to me, like nothing ever happened. Like he didn’t hurt me in the past. It completely caught me off guard. I’ve moved on, though. We never officially dated, just talked and got to know each other—until the next morning, he pulled the plug because he was pissed. And there he was in my dream, acting as if everything was fine, asking how I was, like we were friends.

You know me—I’m confrontational. In the dream, I was just about to tell him to fuck off, but right then, my alarm went off, jolting me awake.

Groggy, I reached for my phone, turned off the alarm, and checked my notifications. And there it was—his name, lighting up my screen. A message from him on Telegram.

I couldn’t believe it.

Though it's not the first time it happened to me but sometimes I couldn't help but wonder—

What kind of fuckery is this?

I was full of hope then suddenly everything went crumbling down.

Writing Prompt #210:

The war has been going on for over a 100 years now. Not that you’ve ever seen it, having been born in a bunker and remained here your entire life. You’ve heard the stories however, of the horrors and dangers out there.

Today, as your family is watching the news, one of the reporters snaps, “I can’t do this anymore. Everything is lie! They’re lying to you! Th-“ and the signal cut out."

In the dim light of the bunker, the flickering screen cast uneasy shadows on the walls. Your family sat in stunned silence, eyes wide as the news anchor's final, frantic words echoed in your ears.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Everything is a lie!"

The room seemed to close in as your mind raced. What could be true if the reports were fabrications? You’d always believed the stories of devastation and endless conflict were real, the stories your family told to keep you safe and to explain why you couldn’t ever go outside.

Your father’s face, usually so composed, was now a mask of worry. "It’s just a breakdown," he said quickly, though his voice betrayed his anxiety. "The reporters are under a lot of pressure. Don’t let this shake you."

But something had shifted. The old walls of your reality felt suddenly fragile, and the idea that the world outside might be different—maybe even safe—had begun to seep into your thoughts. Your mother, who had always warned against the dangers of the outside world, seemed unusually quiet, her eyes darting nervously.

"What if it’s true?" you asked, unable to hide the tremor in your voice.

Your father glanced at the door as if fearing it might burst open at any moment. "Even if it is, we have to stay here. It's too dangerous outside."

The silence that followed was heavy, filled with the weight of unspoken fears and the flickering uncertainty of the old news feed that had just cut out. The bunker, once a sanctuary, now felt more like a cage. As you sat there, you couldn’t help but wonder if there was more to the world than the dark tales you had been told—a world you might never see if you stayed hidden in the shadows.

August 1, 2021

Wheat cranberry loaf, and cheese for breakfast. :) Plus coffee. What a morning!

So here comes the tummyache. That was fast.

Is Happiness an End Goal or Simply a By-Product of Other Things?

Happiness is a concept that has puzzled philosophers, scientists, and everyday people for centuries. We often hear about the pursuit of happiness, as if it's the ultimate end goal of life. But is happiness really something we should strive for directly, or is it more of a by-product of other pursuits and experiences? Some people believe that happiness should be the ultimate goal in life. They argue that everything we do, whether it’s working hard, building relationships, or pursuing hobbies, is ultimately driven by the desire to be happy. From this perspective, happiness is seen as the final destination. We set goals, achieve them, and then experience happiness as a reward. For many, this direct pursuit of happiness involves focusing on positive thinking, mindfulness, and self-care, all aimed at creating a state of well-being.

On the other hand, there is a growing belief that happiness is not something we can achieve by directly aiming for it. Instead, it’s a by-product of other activities and pursuits. According to this view, when we focus too much on trying to be happy, it can actually make us feel more stressed and less satisfied. Instead, happiness often comes from living a meaningful life, engaging in activities we are passionate about, and building strong relationships. When we immerse ourselves in things we love and care about, happiness naturally follows.

There’s also the idea that happiness is fleeting and dependent on various factors outside our control. Life is full of ups and downs, and it’s unrealistic to expect constant happiness. Instead of chasing an elusive state of perpetual happiness, some suggest focusing on building resilience and finding joy in small moments. This approach acknowledges that while we may not always be happy, we can cultivate a sense of contentment and gratitude that helps us navigate life’s challenges.

In my opinion, happiness is more likely to be a by-product of other things rather than an end goal. When we shift our focus from trying to be happy to engaging in meaningful activities, building strong relationships, and pursuing our passions, we often find that happiness naturally follows. It’s about finding joy in the journey, not just the destination. By living authentically and embracing the present moment, we can experience a deeper, more lasting sense of fulfillment and happiness. Ultimately, whether happiness is seen as an end goal or a by-product may depend on personal perspective and life experiences. What’s important is to find a balance that works for us individually, allowing us to live a fulfilling and joyful life.

Hahahaha!

Words can’t fully capture how I’m feeling today.

Maybe “shitty” is the closest way to describe it.

Anyway, I have a therapy session tomorrow, and I’ve decided it’ll be my last one with this therapist. I need to transition to a psychiatrist to get a formal diagnosis—my provisional diagnosis still hasn’t been released, and honestly, I just miss my original therapist.

When I was working with her, I felt like I was making real progress. Every session was productive, and I could feel myself growing. With my current therapist, it’s different. I feel unheard, like she’s focusing on things I’ve already moved past or on situations that don’t align with where I’m at mentally right now. Maybe that’s just her approach, but it’s not working for me.

IDK. I’m just ready for clarity and to feel like I’m actually moving forward again.