Reasons Why I Frequently Make My Friends And Family Baked Goods/confections:

Remus and Logan: *playing Hell Chess*

Patton and Janus: *teleport in*

Janus: LOGAN! Tell Patton he does not have birds in his head!

Patton: Logan!! Tell Janus he doesn't know everything!

Logan, raising an eyebrow: What?

Patton: So, whenever my doctor examines my ears, these little birds tweet! He says I have a little family of birds living in my head!

Janus: Correction, to make Patton sit still during checkups, his doctor makes bird noises and pretends to check on birds in his head instead of his ears.

Patton: Hey, I'm perfectly still! I don't want him to poke a bird!

Janus: *gestures wildly at him*

Logan, completely serious: Oh, no, I'm afraid you're wrong here, Janus. I've seen Patton's medical records, he has a small family of birds living in his head and has for years. It's a harmless condition.

Janus: *stares at him in WTF manner*

Patton: Ha! I told you! Devon and his family ARE in my head!

Remus: What's in my head?

Logan, no hesitation: A single rat on a wheel. His name is Maurice.

Remus: Is he a space cowboy?

Logan: And a gangster of love.

Remus, grinning: Cool.

Patton: Ooh! What's in Roman's head?

Logan, also no hesitation: A frog named Roberto.

Patton: Awesome! I'm going to tell him.

Patton: *sinks out*

Janus: WHY.

Logan, smiling mischievously: You've got a transgendeer in yours.

Janus: MOTHERF—

- Finds out my nemesis has a peanut allergy

- Puts peanut oil in my water bottle

- Goes to meet nemesis

- Confesses love

- Drinks peanut oil

- Kisses them

- I've think I've won

- Plot twist

- They planned this

- They aren't allergic to peanuts

- And now we're dating

- Oh shit

Today on Things I Know Because Of Thomas Sanders:

My family: *Discussing berries*

My dad: Isn't a marionberry a cross between a loganberry and a blackberry?

Me: That sounds redundant, considering a loganberry is already a cross between a blackberry and a raspberry...

Them: What? Did you look that up?

Me: No I already knew that

Them: *doubt*

My brother: *looks it up* Nah he's right

Them: *surprise*

Them: How'd you know that?

Me, out loud: Eh just a random fact I know

Me, internally: 'Cuz Crofters is the only jelly—

So thank you @thatsthat24 , I looked smart in front of my extended family today because of one of the many things Logan taught me :D

OH MY GOD I GET IT NOW THANK YOU

(That's actually really funny now that I get it—)

QUESTION SANDER SIDES FANS:

Please help me I don't know what this joke means and I can't find an explanation anywhere:

[You call those witty?]

Patton: Well, you call those glasses?

[I mean yes, I'm not sure if you're implying some—]

Patton: Well, I don't think they'll pick up, they don't have a cell phone! ZING!

Logan: "A pinch of salt." (grates it into Patton’s hand)

Patton: "Ah! I'm gonna throw it over my shoulder. Which one is it? Left or right?"

Logan: "I don't know—"

Patton: "Left!" (throws it over left shoulder)

Roman: "What happens if you get that wrong?"

Virgil: "I don't know. You kill God or something."

Roman: (laugh)

Virgil: "One's the devil, I know that much."

Logan: "Wow. Don't wanna make that mistake, do you?"

Roman: *enters kitchen to see Janus sitting at the counter, face in his hands, Patton sitting beside him, rubbing his back, and Logan standing awkwardly in the corner*

Roman: Um... What?

Janus: *sniffling*

Roman: Is he crying?

Logan: Yes.

Roman: ...Why?

Logan: Patton convinced him to watch 'My Neighbor Totoro' with him. He...

Janus, through sobs: I thought it was going to be a cute story about a big fluffy rabbit-bear and it ripped out my heartstrings and used them to string a lute and then played it right in front of me!

Patton: *comforting intensifies*

Logan: That.

Roman: Right... I'm gonna go.

Logan: Take me with you.

Embarrassing Music #3

Roman, having recovered: Okay, so I didn't catch Virgil, but someone else has to listen to embarrassing music. Let me think...

Roman: So, Remus and Patton don't get embarrassed about that stuff. I doubt Logan listens to music with words anyway. So... What, D— Janus? What does he even listen to?

Roman: (imagines Janus sitting at a table sipping tea while a classical waltz plays in the background)

Roman: I mean, that might be worse than dancing, especially if he's alone.

Meanwhile, in the dark side:

Remus:

WE'LL SET THE SKY ON FIRE

Janus:

WE'LL PUT THE NIGHT AWAY

Both:

WE'LL BE MADE OF STARS

Janus:

WE'RE GONNA TAKE YOU HIGH

Remus:

YOU'RE GONNA FEEL THE FLAMES

Both:

WE'LL BE MADE OF STARS

WE'RE GONNA LIGHT IT UP WOAH-OH-OH-OH

WE'RE GONNA LIGHT IT UP WOAH-OH-OH-OH

Janus: Can you preheat the apartment? I'm on my way home

Virgil: What are you banana bread?

Janus: Be very careful with what you say next.

But sir that's my emotional support fanfic wip in which I split myself into pieces and gave each piece a character's name

Hey look, it's me

dee: gets crushes easily

also dee: is unable to imagine himself in any sort of romantic relationship because of his unwillingness to express vulnerability to others

therefore dee: cries

Dee is like "guess ill daydream abt romantic scenarios w these people although never bother to make a move in real life"