Okay So Uh. Since The Anniversary Of The Day I Started Hrt Last Year (and About Like 2 Months Later Absolutely

okay so uh. since the anniversary of the day i started hrt last year (and about like 2 months later absolutely panicked, stopped, and repressed(?) all of it as good as i could manage) is coming up, i thought i'd write smth about.. where things are at? or, i don't know, anything. cuz like i've been toying with the idea of.. starting again on that day, just casually considering it, and.. holy shit i just checked, i thought it was about a month away but it's just like two weeks >_<

about a million vague thoughts about it that all kinda go nowhere. i saw 'i saw the tv glow' about 3 months after i had stopped and it tore into the middle of me and left a gaping, pulsating void. i really don't wanna be near that feeling ever again. the more i sit and think about it, the clearer that becomes. can i imagine growing old in a male body? can i endure it? can i imagine growing old with 'could've almost been a real nb trans person' as part of my identity? cuz like. the 'nb' part of that isn't going anywhere, that much is clear by now and has been for.. a while. it just feels.. disappointingly un-real without the hrt, just like, a nice story i can tell myself about myself, without really much consequence to the people around me or on how they perceive me.

i said i never wanna be near that horrible void feeling again, but on the other hand, i'd really really like to feel how hrt made me feel again. maybe trying it again could at least sort out the question of how much of that beautiful, warm, optimistic feeling (until my body started doing things that scared me) and the subtle changes in how i perceived myself and the people around me was actually due to hormones and how much was.. psychosomatic? (is that even a different thing?) but i mean like in the way of.. just the euphoria to take that step, to make a real decision about this, and fixating really hard on the things i was hoping to get out of it..

…

but also thinking, like. it could be casual. that's.. allowed? i can always stop again if i arrive at the same point as the first time, that's not gonna kill me. drive me by some potentially really dark corners of my mind, but now i have seen those before. i can handle that. and also not having that terrifying feeling trying to bite me in the neck of 'it's gonna be this or death, so it's gotta be this' might help. cuz like. been there and back again now. i know i can.. survive without it. and in a lot of ways it would be easier.* and also i'm like existentially bored as shit anyways??

(*just writing something like that still makes a part of me scream out smth like 'but what beautiful experiences would i be denying myself!!', soo.. woof.)

might (should) write more about this in the next days. yeah.