I Think 'I Trust You With My Life But Not Your Own' As A Trope Is One Of The Ones That Can Always Fuck

TEASER: Go To War | Leverage Team Vid

I haven't worked on my music videos in ages, but I've been thinking about this one lately. So here, have a lil teaser of a project that will come to fruition one day!

Song: Go To War by Nothing More

Edit: almost forgot the youtube link. Click here!

(x)

The Motherfucking Lizard King

No one at work trusts my boss. 

He's smart. He works hard. He's not trustworthy. He hasn't actually fucked anyone at work over, but he's ruined his last two marriages with affairs, and got dumped by his third fiance when he wouldn't sign a prenup. The fact that we all know this is just a hazard of working in a small town. 

Anyway: The thought process of the people in the lab is that if he screwed over his first wife, and his second wife, and was probably planning on screwing over his third wife, it would be insane for him not to screw us over. After all, what kind of idiot treats their employees better than their spouse? 

I dunno. His kind, I guess? He's had a few chances to fuck us over, and he hasn't taken them. Opposite really. When our parent company was doing furloughs, he stayed in the office almost a hundred hours, talking and talking and talking his way up the corporate ladder. And in the end, no one at our site got furloughed. 

He's pulled strings like that before. And it baffles me, right? Because it really does make zero sense. He'll move the heavens and the earth for us, but his wife and kids are afterthoughts. It feels like any moment, he's going to look into the mirror and realize how stupid that is. It feels like I'm betting on him making the same stupid mistake again, and again, and again - like it would be less cynical to believe he was, eventually, going to stab me in the back. But he hasn't yet, and as far as I can tell he's been making that mistake for close to fifteen years, and it's already cost him everything it can. If he was going to learn, he would have by now. 

So my position on him is that if he wanted to date someone I cared about, I'd warn them off. I don't trust him there. But I tentatively trust him to be my boss. Maybe one day he'll stick the knife in and twist, and everyone will say Ah, Babs, we warned you, but for now, I accept that he's doing a very predictable, very irrational thing, and I've made my peace with it. 

---

My job has glue traps. 

No one likes the glue traps, but we don't have a lot of options. Poison's banned by state law, spring traps are banned by company safety, and several non-lethal options tried in the past failed to work. The mouse problem can get pretty bad if it's ignored, and there's some real health hazards in that. Our site has never had a positive hantavirus test, thank God, but the big base about a half hour away has. That guy's gonna be on oxygen the rest of his life. 

If a mouse gets caught, we just euthanize it. But more than mice get stuck. Lizards can wander into those traps too, and the people working there have different feelings about the lizards. They don't pose nearly the same kind of risk mice do. They're chill little guys, and they keep the moths away, and they're just 

You know. They're friendly. There's something to be said about walking into a room, and hitting the light switch, and seeing two little guys on the wall start to do pushups as soon as they see you. 

People used to just euthanize the lizards too, but I had pet leopard geckos as a kid and I couldn't take that so I wound up googling how to free animals from glue traps. Now, when a lizard gets stuck in a trap - which happens once or twice a week - I get some vegetable oil from the breakroom, and a little plastic fork, and I'll spend fifteen to twenty minutes just kind of gently prying the little guys out. 

I have a team of technicians that help me operate one of the larger machines. They're real blue collar guys, ex-airforce, and they make me look like a little kid. Being an engineer means they'll look to me as a leader sometimes, which is a wild experience. And I started helping the lizards for my own conscience, but one of the crazier consequences of it has been that it seriously boosted my leadership cred. Because those guys see me, and they go: Hey. If he's willing to fight for a lizard, he's gotta be willing to fight for me. 

I cannot overstate how nice that is. Most engineers that want to make a change to a maintenance practice, or try an upgrade, they have to work their asses off to get the techs to buy in. But I can just ask. They already trust me to do good. They know I'm new, and they know I'm not the smartest engineer in the building, but they also know I'm the one who gets lizards out of the glue traps. 

And just because of that, they're willing to follow me. 

---

My boss has a meeting every month or two. It's typically basic house cleaning stuff - reminders about routines we've gotten lazy on, and updates on future projects. Maybe some warnings about problems coming from higher up in the company.

People are, in my opinion, a bit too cynical about the meetings. It stems from people not trusting our boss, which again, I understand, because it would make so much more sense if he wasn't trustworthy. It's a testament to the man's incredibly unhealthy priorities that he is. But as we made it to the end of the meeting, one of bullet points was: 

Do NOT mess with animals in the building. 

So I looked at my techs, and they looked at me, and when he got to the point, he was so scathing I actually just wanted to crawl under a rock and die. He said basically that he'd heard some reports about someone in the building handling animals that found their way in and got stuck, and that he just wanted to emphasize how insanely inappropriate that was, not to mention dangerous, and that if he needed to speak to anyone about it again, there would be severe consequences. 

I was willing to just take the shame and move on. I was. But one of my techs is old. Old enough he could've retired two years ago. And his actual literal goal is to one day get angry, yell at someone, and storm out. That's how he wants to retire. So instead of biting his tongue like everyone else, he stood up and said: I hate the glue traps. You hate the glue traps. We all hate glue traps. But we've all sat here for years, ignoring the little things that get stuck in them, watching them die, and then Bab's comes in, and he is the first person in decades to give enough of a shit to start pulling the lizards out. And I don't want him to stop. 

Get humane traps or shut up but we are not going back to the old way of just letting things starve. 

And my boss actually froze up. He got all wide eyed and stared at Marc, and then the other techs jumped in, and there was a very small but intense rebellion in the meeting and my boss kept trying to interrupt while getting absolutely bowled over by this gang of angry middle aged air force vets, and eventually he just went 

I will speak with Babylon about this afterwards! After! And then he will speak with everyone else, but I have more points to cover. 

So they went silent, and my boss rushed through the last five minutes, and we all adjounred. The techs really didn't like that I was going in alone - they thought our boss was going to try and shout me into compliance. Marc in particular was like, Look, if he tries bullying you, stand your ground, and if he threatens anything, just come get us, and we'll give him hell. 

So armed with that, I went to my boss's office. I sat in the chair across from him, and he kept his composure for maybe five seconds before just flopping back into his chair. 

I had no idea you were saving lizards, he said, but I'm glad you are. I always hated seeing them die in the glue.  

I wasn't expecting that. I was about to ask him what the comment from the meeting was about then, but he answered that before I even got the chance.

A snake got into the building last week, and - someone picked it up and chased a coworker around. Turns out that coworker was severely afraid of snakes, and now it's a shitshow. We're a small site, and now I can't ask those two to work together anymore, to say nothing about how the snake fared after all that. Being upset about that is a reasonable thing, right? 

And he gave me a look like he actually wanted an answer, so I said Yeah, totally, chasing a coworker around with a snake is a dick move. Especially if that coworker is already afraid of snakes. 

And he said Exactly! and then we sat there a few moments longer. He looked so incredibly tired that I did, actually, feel kind of bad for him. And then he somehow managed to sink even further into his chair, and said

Look, I know I'm not a good guy. But I'm not evil. I'm not some sort of crazy asshole that's going to demand that everyone watch lizards starve to death. When you go back downstairs, could you try to pass that on? That I'm not evil? 

I said Sure because it wasn't a hard request, and he looked relieved. I actually made it halfway out before I realized I had a question. 

Who grabbed the snake? I asked. 

Not supposed to talk about it, he said. But whoever comes to mind first is probably right. 

ThatGuy? I asked. And he looked me in the face, nodded his head yes, and said No. 

---

The techs seemed a little disappointed that they didn't get to storm the boss's office, but were otherwise in good spirits. They were actually a little bit embarrassed to hear about the snake story - apparently, it wasn't much of a secret. It'd just slipped their minds because it happened three weeks ago. 

We did maintenance after that, the same basic repairs we did every week. The meeting had been stressful and it was a relief to work with my hands. When the parts were reinstalled, everything cleaned and smooth and ready to go, Marc found me again. 

You know what the lesson of today is? he asked. And there were quite a few answers to that that I could have taken - from don't assume the worst of people to be careful with how you spend your trust - we all need it more than we think. 

But instead I said what? because I wanted to hear what his answer was going to be. 

That I got your back, he said. Then he clapped one very, very large hand on my shoulder, gave it a good squeeze, and walked back to dosimetry lab.

---

The next day, Marc gave me a package and told me to open it in my office. I was suspicious, but I followed the request.

Cardboard gave way to a small baggie, obviously full of fabric, which opened to reveal a t-shirt that read

"I Am the Motherfucking Lizard King."

I looked at it, I loved it, and then I got an idea. I went to my boss's office and knocked on the door. When he opened it, I asked him if he would be willing to allow something very unprofessional to happen for morale building purposes.

How unprofessional? he asked. I held the shirt up in answer. He gave the shirt a short look over and snorted.

You can wear it on weeks without customers, he said. Which just so happened to include that week.

I'll pass on that it came with your blessing, I replied, and he looked oddly relieved.

Thanks, he said. And then I went downstairs.

---

The techs were very, very happy to see the shirt. And while my boss's reputation remains in tatters, and probably will be until he moves (or dies), the next time there was a meeting, there was quite a bit less complaining about how mere presence. Which is, I guess, a start.

We'll see if he squanders it.

there's something about maggie/sophie that will always have me in its thrall... it's not even about the mutual nate of it all, necessarily, although that's delicious.

it's also about, they both love art in a visceral way. and about the fact that maggie recognized sophie in the museum. that the "of course she bloody speaks spanish" is reminiscent of the cat and mouse game sophie had fun with with nate.

and it's the easy way in which sophie manages to instruct maggie. and how "she's turning into quite the grifter" actually does highlight how sophie's area of crime is probably the one maggie's most suited to, too.

and then, of course, there's the whole thing about maggie being "the most honest person" the team knows and sophie being The Liar of all time.

something so simultaneously jagged, mismatched and soft, understanding about them that makes me want to eat gravel.

Post-wisdom saga Athena’s reaction to a sudden hug would be to remove her armor to not hurt Ody- change my mind

i need the ao3 tag wranglers to tag wrangle so it's easier to find the united healthcare shooter fic (there are 23 fics about him currently) (i did manually count) (i don't know what to tell you the internet is a bizarre and hilarious place sometimes)

thinking about this

Woman: Who are you? Eliot: Well, ma'am, we'd be the cavalry.

Leverage 1x8 - The Bank Shot Job

Flores: Who are you? Parker: I’m supposed to tell you, "We'd be the cavalry."

Leverage 3x16 - The San Lorenzo Job

Ethel: We need real help. Where's the cavalry? Sophie: At the right moment, they'll be here. Probably. Possibly. I trust.

Leverage: Redemption 3x7 - The Shakedown in Clone-Town Job

leverage fighting supernatural creatures concepts from me and @theboost.

we used fighting kind of... loosely. we also used the concept of supernatural creature pretty loosely. this post is so long i had to put part of it under a cut.

mummy: they have to run a con on a museum at the request of another member of leverage international who has been trying to return a mummy to a burial site for months with no success. parker dresses as a mummy and keeps jumping out to scare people because the entire con hinges on making the mark believe the mummy is legitimately cursed. it gets breanna every single time and eventually she destroys the mummy costume. at the end of the episode breanna sees a mummy shuffling around a corner and asks where parker got a second mummy costume. "what second mummy costume?" parker says from next to her. EPISODE ENDS

werewolf: eliot and hardison are on a road trip together and end up in a small farming town that's terrified of whatever has been causing the deaths of their livestock. a guy with a condition where he's really hairy is being persecuted for being a werewolf. they meet a wise old lady with an adopted daughter who's sick who says something like "you know appearances... they can be deceiving. even in a place like this, not everything is as it seems, especially under the full moon." they uncover the mayor is behind a group that's poisoning the water (maybe by looking at the water under moonlight idk i'm not that kind of scientist), causing the girl's sickness and the deaths of the livestock. as they leave town hardison teases eliot for believing in werewolves (this has been a c-plot the whole time) and then looks out the window and sees two werewolves, the old lady and her daughter. EPISODE ENDS

witches: alice white joins an MLM based on ~divine feminine energy~ so parker can take it down from the inside. it's all based on easily faked "magic" and sleight of hand, and she keeps impressing them by pointing out how they're doing their tricks and then replicating them because hardison had a whole phase where he wanted to learn stage magic or something. they're so impressed they invite her to a ritual but they ask her to bring a virgin sacrifice. parker immediately brings harry ("i'm not a virgin?" "the magic isn't REAL harry"). they get some of harry's blood and start doing shit that can't possibly be faked. it goes wrong because he isn't a virgin and a demon kills the witches but allows parker and harry to live because they're using aliases and not their true names or whatever. somehow this destroys the MLM. EPISODE ENDS

mermaid: breanna meets a girl at the beach who keeps looking at her with big wet sad eyes and telling her about how the fish are dying because of pollution. she is only ever in the water up to her waist. breanna is immediately smitten and they stop the top polluter. they kiss in celebration and then the girl is like "i'm sorry... i can't be with you..." and she dives underwater and we see her tail as she swims away. EPISODE ENDS

ghosts part one: harry meets a beautiful lady because he heard someone crying and wandered down a street looking for them. he promises to help her save her destined-for-foreclosure house that she says has been in her family for 100 years or something. the rest of the team conveniently never sees her but is willing to help. after they save her house she kisses him (he's thrilled) and tells him she'll be right back before going into the house. a car pulls up and an older woman gets out. she's like "oh i can't believe you managed to save it. i really thought they'd destroy this place." harry asks her if she's a friend of the family and she says "it was my mother's before she died [x] years ago." harry goes inside to look for the lady but she's gone. EPISODE ENDS

ghosts part two, this one is insane: it's halloween. a car carrying a murderer crashes into something and the murderer dies while eliot tries to do cpr on him (he was next to the crash site but has no connection to the case) only to pull a charles lee ray and push eliot's soul out of his body and possess him. the serial killer wanders around in eliot's body observing before pulling a gun on hardison because he's annoying him too much. parker and hardison look at each other and Immediately go "serial killer ghost." breanna has had a ouija board tapestry hanging up on the wall that keeps falling down because eliot is trying to communicate with them. they lay it out and eliot explains things to them. hardison asks if they're sure this is eliot and not just another ghost trying to trick them. the ouija board painstakingly spells out "dammit hardison." they decide the only thing they can do is have eliot fight the ghost out of his body. he possesses a willing harry and makes him ragdoll around while he fights him. as the clock strikes midnight because idk ghosts can't stay in their bodies past midnight on halloween because they can only possess you on halloween Or Something eliot pushes the serial killer out of his body. EPISODE ENDS

faerie: sophie is kidnapped by faeries and brought before a jury because she didn't call queen titania back after they hooked up, which means the rest of the team has to go there to save her. eliot is pissed because he can't eat any of the food and they won't let him take stuff back to the human world where eating it would be harmless. harry is absolutely thriving because in a world of doublespeak a formerly evil lawyer is a king. it's revealed he actually has been to the faerie realm to do trials tons of times but they wipe his memory at the end of each one so he doesn't reveal any secrets to humans. they free sophie and bring her back to the human world when she promises to call titania back. she immediately throws titania's number away again. "so needy." EPISODE ENDS

dragon: the team has to infiltrate a crime ring. the crime ring is very dragon themed with dragon tattoos and ranks named after dragonslayers and shit like that. they just assume the dragon is metaphorical but then when eliot passes the test to rise through the ranks he's brought before a chained up dragon and they're like "the dragon will choose if you're worthy!!" he's like "WHAT the fuck." they save the dragon and set it free at the end of the episode despite parker begging to keep it. it says "thank you" and flies away despite never speaking before then. EPISODE ENDS

phantom of the opera: sophie has like a struggling theater she volunteers with and one of the girls there is being stalked by some weird guy. harry immediately asks if this is going to be like phantom of the opera and starts blasting the soundtrack constantly. sophie meets a guy with an eyepatch or a covid mask or something and recognizes him as a former broadway star. he ends up being the stalker. at the end it's revealed he is Literally the phantom of the opera. breanna says something like "okay so eliot and alec saw a werewolf and now we just fought the phantom of the opera. are there any other classic universal monsters i should know about?" hardison says "oh i fought the invisible man." they all turn and look at him. he shrugs. EPISODE ENDS

psychic: breanna dates a psychic who keeps saving her from improbable final destination style accidents. the team becomes convinced she's orchestrating these accidents for some nefarious purpose. breanna insists that no her girlfriend is just psychic and there's a montage like the one in quantum leap set to i want to know what love is but instead of a sex montage it's a romance montage because breanna is asexual. parker is disturbed due to her established understandable emotional turmoil after the future job. they have to help the psychic after she sees her own death. maybe the phantom of the opera is involved again idk. EPISODE ENDS

troll: someone is trying to put tolls on freeways by lobbying the department of transportation. they also keep making people answer really shitty riddles with answers that aren't at all obvious. when they answer one of their riddles right in the final ten minutes they explode. their name is like t. roll or something. EPISODE ENDS

the leprechaun from the leprechaun movies: okay at this point we were really tired and i'd been laughing hysterically for the past two hours. but someone finds his pot of gold and spends it on some stuff like medical bills and the leprechaun shows up and does his stupid bullshit. the client turns to the leverage team for help. they're convinced it's a gas leak until one of them sees the leprechaun not in the client's house. harry accidentally spends one of the leprechaun's coins. eliot keeps trying to fight the leprechaun but his bullshit magic lets him evade all his punches. i don't remember how we said this one would end

bigfoot: closing us out with the one i actually think could happen. they don't fight bigfoot!! they help conserve and protect some natural habitat by faking a bigfoot sighting and scaring off some shady developers (i am now realizing that i am describing a reverse scooby gang)! throughout the whole episode parker has been consistently reaffirming her belief in bigfoot and casually describing bigfoot encounters she's heard about while breanna and sophie try to convince her bigfoot isn't real. she manages to get harry, eliot, and hardison to be on her side. breanna sees bigfoot at the end of the episode but sophie doesn't believe her. EPISODE ENDS

I can't stop thinking about this rabbit hole I went down a few weeks ago when I was procrastinating on my Iliad paper.

So basically. In the Lattimore translation of the Iliad (the one we read in class), he has Helen call herself a slut.

"That man is Atreus’ son Agamemnon, widely powerful,  at the same time a good king and a strong spearfighter,  once my kinsman, slut that I am. Did this ever happen?” (Lattimore 3.178-180)

Naturally I'm like yikes. Then I started wondering whether this was actually what it said in the Greek, and whether other translators disagreed.

(This is not a new thing to wonder about; people talked about this quite a bit after Emily Wilson discussed it.)

To summarize: the Greek word used here is kunops, which literally translates to dog-face or dog-eyed. This word is used precisely two other times in the Iliad: once in book one when Achilles is insulting Agamemnon and once in book eighteen when Hephaestus is talking about how his mother (Hera) threw him out. Surprise surprise, the male translators usually don't use the same word in those two places.

I could have stopped here, but naturally at this point I was like, obviously the best possible use of my time would be to go down into the depths of the library and see what word is used in these three places in every single translation of the Iliad that we have.

Too much time later, I ended up with this:

I think this table kind of speaks for itself.

Just. The way that the male translators all decide that when a woman is called "dog-face," that must mean that she's a shameless bitch, but when a man is called "dog-face," he can just be a dog-face. The bias is REALLY showing through here. I can understand shameless, but where are they getting slut bitch whore?

Lattimore is supposed to be the most literal translation! But then he just has to go and call Helen a slut for no apparent reason! Why would he do this where did it come from I want to scream. why do they assume that a woman criticizing herself has to be about sexual condemnation??

Some things that are worth noting!

As I mentioned, people have talked about this a lot in regards to Emily Wilson's translation! She gave a couple great interviews about her translation of this word (here and here). What many people forget is that she wasn't actually the first woman to translate the Iliad into English, nor was she the first person to translate the word as "dog-face." That was Caroline Alexander, eight years earlier. I love Wilson as much as the next person but let's not forget Alexander.

Yes dog-face is an insult! And yes it arguably is associated with shamelessness! There's a lot to unpack about why Helen was talking about herself this way. But it's really hard to analyze that when the bias of the male translators is bleeding through so much. I appreciate the decision to translate it literally and let readers decide for ourselves what she meant.