*in A Port Mafia Meeting*

Kunikida: Ranpo have you seen Dazai?

Ranpo, clearly lying: Um, no. That idiot's probably off working his dumb plan.

Ranpo, who also helps Dazai with his plan: He's so stupid.

Kunikida:

Ranpo: You know, the only reason the president hasn't fired him is that we're worried that he'll kill himself.

Ranpo: *leaves*

Kunikida, internally: Yep. They're up to something together.

Chuuya: Thank you for inviting me to mackerel's wedding today, Kouyou.

Kouyou: Yeah no problem.

Chuuya: This is probably a stupid question, but who is Dazai marrying?

Kouyou: You. You’re the fiancé. This is your wedding with Dazai!

Chuuya: Wait, what?

Mori: There’s your officiant. This is your wedding ring. I suggest taking him somewhere far, far away for your honeymoon.

Kouyou: For a week! No, a month!

Hirotsu: Here’s some money, make it two!

Dazai, walking in: Oh! This is beautiful! Who’s having a wedding today?

Atsushi: What is it like to be aspec? I don't really get it.

Dazai: Ok, listen up. Mentally I'm very romantic.

Dazai: Physically I'm asexual.

Dazai: Spiritually I'm a fucking slut.

Atsushi: Yep, makes sense.

Ranpo, first time meeting Dazai about Chuuya: My special abillity says there's a man in your life you're having problems with.

Dazai, angrily: That's an easy guess.

Dazai: I'm clearly an annoying person and have problems with both genders.

Ranpo: Yes, you clearly are.

Dazai: How old were you guys when you found out Santa wasn't real?

Atsushi, whispering to Kunikida: How old am I?

Kunikida: You’re 18, Atsushi.

Atsushi, sadly: I was 18.

*ada!Chuuya au*

Atsushi: I can't tell whether Chuuya joining the ada was a good thing or not...

Atsushi: Because on one hand, I have much less paperwork to do, and Dazai seems much happier and more stable.

Atsushi: On the other hand-

Dazai, through the office door: Fuck yes Chuuya, there, there!

Atsushi: That.

Chuuya: Am I the literal only gay man who likes cars?

Dazai, a dumbass: Idk why more gay people wouldn’t. Mater and Lightning’s relationship is pretty homoerotic???

Chuuya, stupefied:

Dazai:

Chuuya:

Dazai: Wait, fuck, did you mean like actual real cars?

Chuuya: What do you want for christmas?

Dazai: You in a maid outfit.

Chuuya: 🖕

Dazai: I think this outfit makes me look older :D

Kyouka: But you're already old.

Dazai: EXCUSE ME, WHAT?

Chuuya: Isn't the idea supposed to be "you saved my life, now I owe you a debt?" Dazai: Nope. Other way round. You saved my life, so now I'm your problem. If you don't like it, then kill me. Dazai: God wanted me dead, now you get to find out why.